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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:34

Your question was: You think everyone with knowledge has power? Well it's obviously a sliding scale and unhelpful to ask that because at the extreme end of disempowerment there will be people who for reasons aside from lack of information are still unable to make best decisions for them.

What is obvious is that people making informed decisions will over time be likely to make better decisions.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 15:35

@BlueSkyBlinking

I don’t think it’s twee to say that knowledge is power. It might be a cliche but that’s because it’s true. The wife has no power with no knowledge of what his husband is doing.
She might have no power anyway.
thenewduchessofhastings · 02/04/2021 15:39

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

If my DH was cheating or trying to cheat on me by signing himself up to OLD sites I'd want to know.You didn't know he was married,ended it when you found out and have the balls to tell his wife.What she does with that info is up to her.

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:41

There are some extreme situations in which she may have no power - e.g. if she is a slave. If she is a prisoner she is still afforded (in theory) some human dignity. Otherwise frankly pretty unlikely that she has no power to define her own life, within normal constraints, in a free society.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 15:43

@Toptotoeunicolour

There are some extreme situations in which she may have no power - e.g. if she is a slave. If she is a prisoner she is still afforded (in theory) some human dignity. Otherwise frankly pretty unlikely that she has no power to define her own life, within normal constraints, in a free society.
Erm.....

Abuse?

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:51

Even if I knew a woman was being abused, I would not withold relevant information from her. Just because her personal dignity is removed by her husband does not mean the rest of society should act similarly to disempower her - quite the opposite.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 15:52

@Toptotoeunicolour

Even if I knew a woman was being abused, I would not withold relevant information from her. Just because her personal dignity is removed by her husband does not mean the rest of society should act similarly to disempower her - quite the opposite.
You have deliberately misunderstood me.

And it's all semantics anyway.

You don't know the circumstances of this woman, and OP didn't do it with good intentions, so whether you personally think women should know is just your opijooj.

MrsMaizel · 02/04/2021 15:53

You two are really spoiling this thread for the OP.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 15:54

@MrsMaizel

You two are really spoiling this thread for the OP.
Oh chill out. It's not a thing to spoil Confused She asked a question , we are answering it.
Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 15:55

@Toptotoeunicolour

Even if I knew a woman was being abused, I would not withold relevant information from her. Just because her personal dignity is removed by her husband does not mean the rest of society should act similarly to disempower her - quite the opposite.
But would you do it as the op did? This is the point, would you send through sudden messages, a whole barrage of them, and have no idea who was reading them first? Who she was sitting next to when on face book and who else saw them? Would you do this?

For me, I would judge it by the woman, not all women want to know, not all women can handle it, I’d wish to make sure the woman was going to be ok, becayse my need for her to be ok would be stronger than my bed to tell her,

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:55

Actually yes, apologies.

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:57

It shouldn't be done in anger, but too late for that now.

Blueskytoday06 · 02/04/2021 15:57

I think there’s worse things you could have done.
I think you did the right thing but possibly for the wrong reasons.

Unsure33 · 02/04/2021 16:13

I don’t blame you for what you have done . A lot of wives would want to know what their husbands have done .

But I never understand why people exchange these type of intimate pictures . Especially when you have never even met .

I hope he does not have pictures of you as well that he can use as revenge .

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2021 16:23

@Bluntness100

But would you do it as the op did? This is the point, would you send through sudden messages, a whole barrage of them, and have no idea who was reading them first? Who she was sitting next to when on face book and who else saw them? Would you do this?

You suggested she send a follow up message? So why is that any different? Her child or an abusive partner could also read that...

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 16:48

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Bluntness100

But would you do it as the op did? This is the point, would you send through sudden messages, a whole barrage of them, and have no idea who was reading them first? Who she was sitting next to when on face book and who else saw them? Would you do this?

You suggested she send a follow up message? So why is that any different? Her child or an abusive partner could also read that...[/quote]
True, but I didn’t say what it was she was apologising for in it, and It was a kind message. It’s very different to sending dick pics unexpectedly on face book messenger.

Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 02/04/2021 17:06

I’m not planning to message her again. I’ll give it a couple of days and if she chooses not to respond I’ll block and try to put the whole thing behind me.

It was after 10pm when I sent the message and almost 11pm when I saw it had been read, so unlikely to have been their youngish (judging by the photos I looked at when checking I had the right person) child who saw it first, I’d have thought.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 02/04/2021 17:24

Don't feel bad. If I was the wife I would thank you.

WisnaeMe · 02/04/2021 18:18

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

I’m not planning to message her again. I’ll give it a couple of days and if she chooses not to respond I’ll block and try to put the whole thing behind me.

It was after 10pm when I sent the message and almost 11pm when I saw it had been read, so unlikely to have been their youngish (judging by the photos I looked at when checking I had the right person) child who saw it first, I’d have thought.

She'll maybe be getting her ducks in a row.

She might not contact you and that's okay.

Be kind to yourself 🌸

LadyWithLapdog · 02/04/2021 18:25

OP you first post was articulate, it didn’t sound like a drunken rant. Don’t beat yourself up over it, you won’t have been horrible in your messages. I suppose there is no kind and gentle way of talking about it. Put it behind you, take some time off and good luck at dating now you can meet people earlier on and weed out the time wasters.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/04/2021 18:35

Well done OP, that was absolutely the right thing to do. I wouldn't block her, just leave it open so if she wants to contact you in a few weeks/months, you'll be able to answer her.

shallIswim · 02/04/2021 18:37

Worse thing I ever did was not tell a friend that I knew her fella was cheating.
He's the cheat. You merely revealed it. And I bet you weren't the first he flirted (or more) with. And wouldn't be the last if you hadn't told her.
Your conscience is clear. His isn't

BakewellGin1 · 02/04/2021 18:39

You have 100% done the right thing...
I can't believe anyone saying you havnt wouldn't like to know if it was there DH
His wife now has options... Carry on living a lie or get rid of him. At least the ball is in her court.
It's not a nice thing to hear but personally I wouldn't want to have that going on and not be told.

SimilarStory · 02/04/2021 18:43

He's not in the military is he?

MrsBerthaRochester · 02/04/2021 19:07

I did the same thing after I found out the guy who I had been casually sleeping with for two years lived with his partner. I actually wasn't going to say anything until she contacted me directly asking how I knew him. I sent her photos too so he couldn't deny it but apparently she has either chosen to forgive him or he has wiggled out of it as they are still together.
I feel sorry for her tbh as I know for a fact he will continue to cheat. I felt a bit guilty at first but that soon went when her sister sent me an abusive message. I have nothing to feel guilty about and neither does op. These men Neve get what they deserve.