Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 02/04/2021 19:56

”You have no idea what’s going on in her life” is such a cop-out. It’s up there with when the man says “I can’t tell my wife about us because of her mental health and what it might do to her.”

Not even remotely the same thing. A husband using it as an excuse not to tell his wife is completely different to deciding you aren’t going to give a complete stranger totally out of the blue when you have absolutely no idea what is going on in their life. It isn’t up to you to all of a sudden decide the “sisterhood” is a thing and you are the saviour.

Basically, if someone doesn’t want to/feels they shouldn’t tell the wife then fair enough, to each their own. But don’t try to justify it with that kind of crap. Just admit you don’t want to get involved.

Except that isn’t the case at all. You seem to struggle to accept that people have different lives to you.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 19:59

@MintyMabel

”You have no idea what’s going on in her life” is such a cop-out. It’s up there with when the man says “I can’t tell my wife about us because of her mental health and what it might do to her.”

Not even remotely the same thing. A husband using it as an excuse not to tell his wife is completely different to deciding you aren’t going to give a complete stranger totally out of the blue when you have absolutely no idea what is going on in their life. It isn’t up to you to all of a sudden decide the “sisterhood” is a thing and you are the saviour.

Basically, if someone doesn’t want to/feels they shouldn’t tell the wife then fair enough, to each their own. But don’t try to justify it with that kind of crap. Just admit you don’t want to get involved.

Except that isn’t the case at all. You seem to struggle to accept that people have different lives to you.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 02/04/2021 20:24

But you, me, the op none of us know if she let the op know. The messages may have been read first of all by someone else. Inc a child. She has no clue who read those messages she sent. You cannot assume someone’s face book is locked down from their family members, mine isn’t

Oh come on now, it's a pretty safe bet the wife read it so let's not go crazy here. We need to be able to assume that when we message someone the message goes to them.

MrsMaizel · 02/04/2021 20:52

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

I’m not planning to message her again. I’ll give it a couple of days and if she chooses not to respond I’ll block and try to put the whole thing behind me.

It was after 10pm when I sent the message and almost 11pm when I saw it had been read, so unlikely to have been their youngish (judging by the photos I looked at when checking I had the right person) child who saw it first, I’d have thought.

Hopefully it was the right person 😬
SandyY2K · 02/04/2021 22:12

@beensuchastupidcow

I personally don't think you did anything wrong. I would want to know if my DH was in a relationship with another woman like this and I'd be glad I had the evidence from her, so doesn't try and wriggle out of it.

If they have an open marriage, then it won't be an issue for the wife, but he should have been honest.

For those who would happily stay with such a sleaze, that's your choice.

I'd much rather know if my husband was doing this. It's unlikely that a man who does this would be the lovely supportive husband he should be and this could help the wife get the guts to end it.

Sadly, too many women keep their head in the sand.

Countingthebeat · 02/04/2021 22:38

@katy1213

Cheated with a woman he's never even met? You can be convicted on MN for thought crime!
Well if reaching out contacting other women and not telling them your married and starting o line relationships is just a ‘thought crime ‘ he should have no issue with his wife knowing then . He should have no issue with her seeing the messages . It’s incredibly naive and disingenuous to call if a thought crime when he was actively pursuing another women
Changethatname81 · 02/04/2021 23:07

Imo you did the right thing. How dare he treat his wife like that and waste your time and make a fool of you.

Sillysandy · 02/04/2021 23:19

What a horrible man. You didn't deserve to be treated like that and neither did his wife. I don't think you did anything wrong.

I understand it feels rubbish now because you're missing his company and also on edge waiting to see if there is some response from his wife.

That feeling of unease will pass. You've been honest. I would not feel bad.

MrsDukeOfHastings · 02/04/2021 23:27

You done the right thing, I dont get why so many people act as though we shouldn't out these men just incase we ruin another womans life. No they do that to their own wife/partner etc ....I would much rather know, whether I would like it or not, no one is going to like hearing it but I'd rather know then be living in peaceful bliss.

Alot of the time we read threads on here advising the woman to gather evidence and take pics etc etc, well wouldn't it be easier if us women who have been cheated on, didn't have to gather the evidence and snoop around? If we were told and provided with screenshots etc, wouldn't that save a lot of time and prolonged hurt?

My exs OW didn't tell me (even though she knew about me) until she got mad at him for whatever reason, and I was more annoyed at her that she knew about me and STILL carried on without telling me, even out of spite or from an ill intended place.

Looking back, if I was told sooner things may have been a lot easier.

Onthedunes · 02/04/2021 23:58

Op, I think you did the correct thing.

If you really did not know anything about his wife then I don't think you are being revengeful or spiteful.
I have yet to meet a woman who has found out about her husbands infedelity and wished she'd been lied to by all arround her.

She knows now, duty done, his wife now has a choice and also the ability to look after her sexual health.

Breakingthehabit · 03/04/2021 02:45

Don’t worry OP. He has ruined his relationship with his wife not you. IMO you did the right thing. If I was his wife I would want to know so that I didn’t have to waste another minute of my time with him. I have had a serious gut feeling about my DP for years due to certain types of behaviours he exhibits but find it impossible to get to the bottom of it all. I would be thankful if someone enlightened me.

RavingAnnie · 03/04/2021 02:58

You did the right thing. She needs to know. If he did this with you, there will be others, it would be unfair and cruel not to tell her imo.. One of the worst things when someone cheats is feeling like an idiot, like you've been lied to and fooled over and over again. The longer that's been going on the worse that feels. He could cheat on her for years and years and she could waste her whole life with him. Best she knows now.

Butwasitherdriveway · 03/04/2021 10:14

@Onthedunes

Op, I think you did the correct thing.

If you really did not know anything about his wife then I don't think you are being revengeful or spiteful.
I have yet to meet a woman who has found out about her husbands infedelity and wished she'd been lied to by all arround her.

She knows now, duty done, his wife now has a choice and also the ability to look after her sexual health.

It was spiteful because she did it to cause trouble. She says that herself.
Countingthebeat · 03/04/2021 12:34

Just because she did it through spite doesn’t mean the asshole didn’t need to be outed and his wife doesn’t deserve to know
Sometimes our motives might not be ‘pure’ that doesn’t mean we are wrong
Many times people will say something out of anger in the moment and guess what ? The other person actually needs to be told and year it

Nonamemoana · 03/04/2021 14:09

How did you find out he was married?

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2021 14:23

Don’t worry OP. He has ruined his relationship with his wife not you

I never understand this. If the wife never knew and he dropped out without ever meeting the op how had he ruined his relationship?

Thr op has potentially done the right thing, and yes he gave her the ammunition but let’s not bullshit here, she was the one who pulled the trigger.

TolkiensFallow · 03/04/2021 14:39

Ah man, I’d feel shit about this too. I wonder if she’ll message back.

Tippytappytoes · 03/04/2021 14:51

@Bluntness100

Don’t worry OP. He has ruined his relationship with his wife not you

I never understand this. If the wife never knew and he dropped out without ever meeting the op how had he ruined his relationship?

Thr op has potentially done the right thing, and yes he gave her the ammunition but let’s not bullshit here, she was the one who pulled the trigger.

He went on OLD and found the Op. I assume that maybe she was the only person he was talking to but who knows. He set up an alternative FB profile to sell the story he was single. Are you really saying that because the wife didn’t know, that their relationship wasn’t ruined? That as long as they don’t get caught cheaters can cheat or attempt to and not ruin their relationships? I would say the minute someone in a marriage or relationship who signs up for online dating and pretends to be someone they aren’t, the relationship they had is ruined. He pulled the trigger.
BigPaperBag · 03/04/2021 15:07

It would have been tough for her to see your message but she needed to know. He may be doing it with other people too and it could potentially save her a lot more heartache if she chooses to get out now.

Sandra15 · 03/04/2021 15:09

If somebody is cheating they are betraying the relationship with their partner and damaging the trust even if the wife didn't ever find out. Presumably fidelity is a given in the marriage vows. This bloke is preying on the trust of the OP and his wife, for his own selfish gain. If he gets away with it it is unethical, and the marriage is damaged whether she finds out about it or not.

If I was the wife, I would want to know what my husband had been up to.

giao · 03/04/2021 18:45

I'm a bit surprised by the old 'What the eye don't see.....' attitude from some posters.

cherrytreesa · 03/04/2021 20:31

It was spiteful because she did it to cause trouble. She says that
herself.*

How many times does it have to be reiterated on this thread, that lots and lots of posters, myself included, have said that we wouldn't care if we were told this through spite? All that matters is that we would know.

Bluntness100

What is your stance on this thread? I've seen posts where you're sympathising with the OP and saying the husband did a shitty thing to her and other posts you are against OP and saying that the husband hasn't ruined his relationship because nothing happened.

Lobster2018 · 03/04/2021 20:43

I'd of wanted to know! I just hope you told her with some care and didn't just throw it in her face.

Countingthebeat · 03/04/2021 21:54

@cherrytreesa

It was spiteful because she did it to cause trouble. She says that herself.*

How many times does it have to be reiterated on this thread, that lots and lots of posters, myself included, have said that we wouldn't care if we were told this through spite? All that matters is that we would know.

Bluntness100

What is your stance on this thread? I've seen posts where you're sympathising with the OP and saying the husband did a shitty thing to her and other posts you are against OP and saying that the husband hasn't ruined his relationship because nothing happened.

Absolutely agree that most of us who would want to be told and there are many DONT care one bit about the person telling us motives

Yea Bluntness , it seems like your just trying to be contrary and say silly things like he didn’t destroy the marriage m. Of course he did. He actively sought out other women
What IS your stance

Yummymummy2020 · 03/04/2021 22:19

I would be glad to be told rather than not knowing!!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread