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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 02/04/2021 13:57

You got free, and you've given his wife the chance to do the same.

"The function of freedom is to free someone else." (Toni Morrison, Nobel laureate novelist)

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 13:57

@Iamthewombat

What absolute bollocks that the number of women who don't know they're being cheated on is "vanishingly small

Are you wilfully misreading posts to suit your agenda? I said that the number of women who find out that their husband is being unfaithful from the other woman, having had absolutely no inkling before then is vanishingly small.

Yes, that's bollocks.
Noideawhatnametotype · 02/04/2021 13:57

OP, you've done the right thing in my opinion. He is a cheat, she deserves to know! I'd definitely want to know if it was my DH.

Tistheseason17 · 02/04/2021 14:14

OP - you were single, he cheated.
I doubt you are the only person he has messaged, either.

I'd rather know than not know and would be initially devastated by your contact but then relieved because I bet she is a poster on here saying, "my DH keeps disappearing to the toilet with his phone - is he cheating?"

But some people would prefer to live in ignorance. I think they are in the minority.

Just remember you did not cheat and you did not continue seeing him when you were aware of his marital status. You are a decent human being.

RincewindsHat · 02/04/2021 14:20

I would be grateful to be alerted to behaviour like this, I think you did the right thing. I cannot understand people who are acting like you did something wrong. You didn't!

Gothichouse40 · 02/04/2021 14:22

I can understand why you feel bad, but think about it. The man was deceiving you and his wife. I honestly think he has done this before. Perhaps his wife suspected already ( wives very often have an inkling). From the regret you have expressed you obviously won't do it again. When you take an action it can have consequences, you have discovered best not to do these things after alcohol as it blurs lines. We have all done things while drunk, honestly, don't be too hard on yourself. You obviously thought he was something he wasn't.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 14:24

I’d also say don’t feel bad about believing him, catfishing is such a big problem the have even made a program about it,and they’ve made about eight series of it, that’s how common it is, some of them go on for years. People do it for many reasons, loneliness, the thrill, ego, poor mental health, revenge, you name it. You were only a few months before you cottoned on.

If you feel really bad about his wife you can always message her again with “I’m sorry I was so blunt and full on last night and I hope you’re ok. I was just very upset, and if you wish to reach out please do, I believe you had the right to know, and hope you feel the same, but I could have been kinder in my approach” .

SuperTeds · 02/04/2021 14:37

Bluntness: If you feel really bad about his wife you can always message her again with “I’m sorry I was so blunt and full on last night and I hope you’re ok. I was just very upset, and if you wish to reach out please do, I believe you had the right to know, and hope you feel the same, but I could have been kinder in my approach”

Please OP, do not contact the wife again!

And while I agree with most other posters that I would want to know as the wife, the OP was not thinking of the wife last night, it was spite aimed at the dickhead guy - she even says she was thinking 'wriggle out this', so it was purely revenge not about thinking the wife had a right to know.

Jenasaurus · 02/04/2021 14:39

I actually think you did the right thing to be honest. If all cheating men on online dating had this happen to them then maybe they woud think before signing up to cheating.

If it was my husband on an online dating site and someone sent me a message with screenshots of the messages then I would thank them

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2021 14:46

You didn't do a nice thing or her a favour, your intention was to hurt and I think you probably achieved that. Should you feel guilty, I can't say. Ultimately he was the one that will have hurt her most not you so don't be too hard on yourself.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 14:56

Please OP, do not contact the wife again!

Why? This woman was hit cold with multiple messages, multiple sexual images, it just kept on coming, the op doesn’t know if this woman is in a good place, she may be mentally or physically ill, abused, she’s no idea. And there’s a potential some substantial damage was caused last night. This was no telling her out of kindness, this was a barrage of in your face harsh reality, with no warning. And as said, she doesn’t even know if the op was the first to read it, it could have been a child. It could have been in my house if it was me, my daughter would easily have seen the messages before me.

So reaching out kindly to apologise for the onslaught but not for telling her could be helpful. It can’t do any more harm.

LadyCluck · 02/04/2021 14:59

If I were his wife I’d want to know.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/04/2021 15:00

@Bluntness100

Please OP, do not contact the wife again!

Why? This woman was hit cold with multiple messages, multiple sexual images, it just kept on coming, the op doesn’t know if this woman is in a good place, she may be mentally or physically ill, abused, she’s no idea. And there’s a potential some substantial damage was caused last night. This was no telling her out of kindness, this was a barrage of in your face harsh reality, with no warning. And as said, she doesn’t even know if the op was the first to read it, it could have been a child. It could have been in my house if it was me, my daughter would easily have seen the messages before me.

So reaching out kindly to apologise for the onslaught but not for telling her could be helpful. It can’t do any more harm.

Someone (I think it might have been you) said earlier that the original message could have been read by children with access to devices etc, or read by an abusive husband who could then lash out at the wife etc etc

Those kind of things are still true now. If it was that awful for OP to intrude for those reasons, suggesting she do so again seems a strange suggestion.

2lipsinamsterdam · 02/04/2021 15:00

OP, you did the right thing and in my case, I wish someone had told me as I could have moved on and rebuilt my life earlier.

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:11

You did the right thing. Knowledge is always power. Why would anyone knowingly disempower someone by withholding relevant knowledge?

AmelieTaylor · 02/04/2021 15:14

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

I'm sorry, you must be so upset he's turned out to be a married twat & not the potential DP you thought he might be 💐

You might not have messaged her for the right reasons, but your message sounds good and it WAS the right thing to do. You've explained you didn't know, you given her dates etc & proof (the screen shots & photos)

Don't block her, give her some time & Soave to ask any questions she needs to.

I'm sorry the bastard lied to you.

Of course she'll be upset, but knowing is better than being lied to. Every time. There are some posters who would happily let her continue to be lied to, shame on them.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 15:14

@Toptotoeunicolour

You did the right thing. Knowledge is always power. Why would anyone knowingly disempower someone by withholding relevant knowledge?
A twee expression with little basis in fact.
BrilliantBetty · 02/04/2021 15:18

Oh how I wish someone had told me when my boyfriend (at the time) was seeing someone else. She knew all about me. As did her mates. They all knew my name and didn't tell me. It made is SO much worse when I eventually found out on my own.
I was beyond humiliated. But thank god I found out.

Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:21

A twee expression with little basis in fact.
Bollocks

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 15:22

@Toptotoeunicolour

A twee expression with little basis in fact. Bollocks
You think everyone with knowledge has power?
Toptotoeunicolour · 02/04/2021 15:28

They have the power to make an informed choice for starters.
Your question is not relevant to that.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 15:29

@Toptotoeunicolour

They have the power to make an informed choice for starters. Your question is not relevant to that.
Well, I'm saying knowledge IS power is a twee and wrong expression, you said it isn't, yet you seem to think me asking if knowledge is power is not relevant.
BiggerBoat1 · 02/04/2021 15:32

It was a spiteful and selfish thing to do, but ultimately the betrayal is his, not yours. His poor wife.

BlueSkyBlinking · 02/04/2021 15:33

I don’t think it’s twee to say that knowledge is power. It might be a cliche but that’s because it’s true. The wife has no power with no knowledge of what his husband is doing.

BlueSkyBlinking · 02/04/2021 15:33

*Her husband obvs

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