Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

[BeenSuchaStupidCow]

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

So how do you expect to find out then if no one tells you?

Are you seriously suggesting that all, or almost all, extra-marital affairs are exposed by the other woman telling the wife about her husband’s infidelity?

Of course not. There are all kinds of ‘tells’. You must know that.

I’m disturbed by the notion that the wife is somehow collateral damage in the OP’s punishment of this man that she has never met. “She MUST want to be told by a stranger, that’s what I’d want, that’s the honourable thing to do and now the OP can congratulate herself” etc etc.

That this man has behaved like an arse doesn’t justify any and all retribution by the OP.

Including the impact on his wife, which is written off as ‘at least she has the information to make a choice now’, irrespective of what she might think, or feel, or want. Because let’s be clear, the OP’s actions were all about retribution: she admits it, which I think is rather big of her.

If you cheat on a partner there's always the chance it'll come back to bite you. So this is ultimately his fault, not yours. It's not something I'd have done personally because I wouldn't want to be dragged into someone else's relationship problems, but that's just my opinion and many would tell the wife. If it wasn't you he had cheated with, it would be some other woman and his wife would be bound to find out eventually. At least she now knows and can deal with it how she pleases.

@Zancah

Your posts go over my head *@Butwasitherdriveway* I can instantly recognise your username as always being the one arguing the opposite opinion on pretty much every contentious thread. You like an argument and go after it hard, it seems. Meh.

The cheek of *@Butwasitherdriveway*, eh?

I hope that she now mends her ways and stops, er, thinking for herself.

You've done nothing wrong. You found something out and handed it over to the person and needs to be aware and to deal with as she sees fit. No it doesn't feel nice but, you're not the one in the wrong. Lie low OP and it will blow over - talking from experience here x

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, honestly. It was a bit impulsive, but certainly not appalling, and if I were the wife I would want to know.

On top of that, years and years ago when I was first divorced, I met a man online....had lots of chats, phone calls and eventually met up. We created quite a relationship (meetings were few and far between because he lived a long way away) before I discovered he was actually married. By then it was hard to disentangle myself, it was a terrible mess. I wish I could have found out sooner, I would probably have done as you've done....but it would have been far better.....

Now block all communications, be kind to yourself and move on.....

@OReli

Oh wow, he had a fake Facebook account??! Didn’t think people even used Facebook anymore never mind having two accounts!

This dude is slimy, save this poor wife of his, make sure she sees that message. Sometimes messages go into ‘message requests’ and you won’t see them unless you go looking. I would hate to think if she doesn’t come across your message that she’s with this slimeball forever. So you didn’t sleep with him yet did you? If you did, get yourself tested,you’re not the first girl and you certainly won’t be last.

I’m sorry this happened to you, you are obviously a good person for dumping him instead of carrying on the affair and you did the right thing by trying to tell her. Take it as a learning experience, you did nothing wrong by trusting him, it’s not your fault.

Sorry, not relevant to the thread but just in answer to this comment, Facebook is still the largest social media platform by a country mile. It's much more used, by more people, than any of the others.

Can we not pretend OP acted thoughtfully, cleverly and with honour. She got pissed, upset and messaged the wife

I think it’s subjective on whether you think the wife should know or not. You don’t know what’s going on with her, her physical or mental health or the state of the marriage. It’s an area where you should never rush in.

The woman could be ill, suicidal, in an abusive marriage, and clearly it’s not quite as simple as “she’s now got the ammunition” . No one needs ammunition to leave a relationship. And someone in an abusive relationship often doesn’t leave easily. So this may have piled more pain on her. It may also be a surprise and she thinks fuck you and goes, but thats unlikely due to the level of scum he is. We also don’t know if there are kids involved.

Anyone saying the op is wrong , is not doing so because they feel the wife shouldn’t have been told, but because the op got drunk ans spiteful so decided to try to hurt the wife as well. And she went to town, she didn’t just give evidence, she sent the messages, sex pics (notice plurals) the lot. Likely because she was drunk, spiteful and trying to cause pain.

Ultimately there are ways to do this, to tell someone, to ensure they know without doubt, but to also minimise the pain you cause, to understand if they want to know, and how much they want to know, and the op didn’t do that.

Well done I say. Why do we go out of the way to protect feckless men. It's not the moral high ground to let them carry on deceiving . It's his poor behaviour.

I'd say you did the right thing.

She deserves to know, she should have the choice to decided what to do about her marriage to this scum.

As long as you weren't vindictive or spiteful in your message and treated her like the innocent party she is.

On Behalf of cheated on women Thank you.

How could he cheat if you've never even met him. What a drama.

@Viviennemary

How could he cheat if you've never even met him. What a drama.

So you’d be cool with your husband sending dicks to another woman? I have more self respect and would consider that cheating, but you do you

Dick pics obv

@Iamthewombat

So how do you expect to find out then if no one tells you?

Are you seriously suggesting that all, or almost all, extra-marital affairs are exposed by the other woman telling the wife about her husband’s infidelity?

Of course not. There are all kinds of ‘tells’. You must know that.

I’m disturbed by the notion that the wife is somehow collateral damage in the OP’s punishment of this man that she has never met. “She MUST want to be told by a stranger, that’s what I’d want, that’s the honourable thing to do and now the OP can congratulate herself” etc etc.

That this man has behaved like an arse doesn’t justify any and all retribution by the OP.

Including the impact on his wife, which is written off as ‘at least she has the information to make a choice now’, irrespective of what she might think, or feel, or want. Because let’s be clear, the OP’s actions were all about retribution: she admits it, which I think is rather big of her.

But not always, as you have also pointed out. Some women have even come on here and said that they only found out because they were told, and then found out everyone else knew about it. That's even more damaging really, knowing that everyone has known about it behind your back.

It was retribution from op, but even so, should she not have told the wife just because she wanted him exposed? Does that help the wife in any way? No, it allows the scumbag to think he got away with it and to carry on with the next woman he can find. It just carries on the deception. Her reasons for doing it dont matter here, if she had done it while sober to let the wife know her husband is a jackass, people would have still jumped on her for doing it. The person who should be being slammed is the cheater.

In my day nobody did that thank goodness. I didn't read the thread. It's more a porn thing I'd say which is horrible. I thought OP meant flirting and chatting.

@Viviennemary

In my day nobody did that thank goodness. I didn't read the thread. It's more a porn thing I'd say which is horrible. I thought OP meant flirting and chatting.

Would you genuinely be ok with your partner having signed up to dating sites, creating new social media profiles that make him look single, matching with women then 'just chatting and flirting' with them?

'who are you to decide what s complete stranger wants in this situation'

As pointed out, if you don't tell her, you are deciding that she doesn't want to know.

Plus if a woman has decided that she doesn't want to know about her husbands exploits outside of the marriage, she has effectively accepted that he will cheat and is OK with it. That's on her. Knowing won't change that, she will still stay with him because deep down, she knows its happening. That's a different problem altogether.

Interestingly there was a thread on here the other day from a woman whose partner kept doing this, meeting women on line and engaging with them sexually, sending explicit messages and leading them on, she had found the messages, it was destroying her but he seemed to think it was harmless, like a sort of free cam girl experience, and he never met them or intended to.

It’s interesting to see it from the other side, one of the woman being catfished in this manner.

As pointed out, if you don't tell her, you are deciding that she doesn't want to know

Sure, but there’s ways to tell someone and to understand how much she wishes to know or even if you’re dealing with someone who has significant issues. Rolling in pissed and sending loads of proof and multiple sexual pics is hardly a kindness. It’s not the telling, it’s the lack of care in doing so.

@cherry2727

I can't believe that posters are saying that you've done his wife a massive favour?! Do you honestly think his wife is going to leave him because of a few random messages from a stranger ??! Most likely she will now be anxious , stressed and very unhappy if she wasn't prior to this! You haven't even met him in person so why bother ?! I always look at the motive of the act and your motive was quite vindictive!

Well actually I have two friends who lefts men over the exact same ‘ few messages ‘ and they could t be happier I think many strong minded women would want to know and absolutely would walk over what you seem to consider a minor thing , or as you say ‘ a few random messages ‘

@Bluntness100

As pointed out, if you don't tell her, you are deciding that she doesn't want to know

Sure, but there’s ways to tell someone and to understand how much she wishes to know or even if you’re dealing with someone who has significant issues. Rolling in pissed and sending loads of proof and multiple sexual pics is hardly a kindness. It’s not the telling, it’s the lack of care in doing so.

No it wasn't handled well, but a lot of posters are trying to say she shouldn't have said at all. That's wrong as well.

It's not your fault you got involved with someone who was faking everything.

I don't think you should beat yourself up for not helping to cover up for him by just going quietly on your way.

Actions like his have consequences.

Why are people protecting this man?
Why should he be allowed to continue cheating, on multiple women, and good, compliant, placid women, stay in their place and don't breathe a word?
Let's support the man, shall we? Support him in his cheating. Let's all stay quiet and compliant.
Sorry Op, you did the right thing, I hope you're ok. All my friends in RL would want to know too.

He is the only one at fault here. This mess is entirely of his own creation.

bluntness100
THE MAN HAS CAUSED THIS ISSUE!
There's no way to sugar coat what he's done. What he has done is shocking.

If his wife is suicidal or has issues, he has certainly exacerbated the issue, hasn't he! Cheating on her is awful, and sure to affect her. On that we agree.

I bet you’re not the only woman he was talking to.