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Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
HamFisted · 02/04/2021 10:48

What OP did was wrong.

How so? If she hadn't sent the pics, the man in question would undoubtedly have gone right back onto OLD to meet another woman, only this time there's no lockdown excuse to keep it virtual. He's very likely to then have met up with another woman and for it to have developed into a sexual relationship. The new woman would have been as duped as OP was, his wife would have continued to be cheated on. There would be a risk of STI transmission, of pregnancy. That affair may end, he would then have moved on to another. He may have spent decades causing harm to other women. His wife may well have become suspicious, but not been able to confirm it and posted on here with responses advising her to set all sorts of traps to try and catch him, causing her untold stress, while the scumbag gaslights her ad infinitum.

Now, she knows. She has the proof. If she wishes to ignore it, so be it, but she's been given the option. Giving her the choice was the right thing to do here.

Ladylimpet · 02/04/2021 10:48

@BigFatLiar

What he did was bad. What OP did was also bad. Just because someone hurts you doesn't mean you should also strike out.

After several months of chatting I'm surprised she only just got around to checking what he had on his SM. Doesn't sound likely, I'd be looking fairly soon after getting involved as I suspect he would.

I think you need to read some of op's posts again. He had a fake FB account. It wasn't until she saw a photo with the correct spelling of his surname, that she did in fact find his real account on SM?! Completely lying to her. When will people learn to read things?
FunnyWonder · 02/04/2021 10:50

I think you did the right thing, perhaps for the wrong reasons. But the result is the same. Woman finds out her husband is a liar and a cheat. And she finds out a bit sooner than she might have, which is a good thing in my view. Let's face it, if you hadn't told her, chances are he'd have set up another fake profile and started again.

I hope you're ok. Don't feel ashamed. You were duped by a conman. He knew more about the situation than you, so he was always the one in control. He went to a lot of trouble to make himself appear genuine. What an absolute snake.

Some of the responses on here are harsh. It's as if posts like this bring all the perfect people out of the woodwork just to make the rest of us feel a bit shit. I wouldn't expect all round agreement, but seriously ...

VodkaSlimline · 02/04/2021 10:51

You are not in the wrong! You would have met if not for Covid and he may well have been meeting other women who weren't so observant of the rules. His wife's health is at risk and she's throwing her life away on an unfaithful shitbag - of course she should have been told and the fact you went to the trouble of providing proof makes it even more the right thing to have done. Well done Flowers

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:51

My mind is absolutely boggled at what advantage anyone could think there is in keeping a woman in the dark about her husband's infidelity.

You think she's not going to leave, so there's no point in her being hurt ..... You simply don't know that. A lot of women don't put up with Cheaters. At the very least they could stop investing in the marriage and protect themselves better.

JovialNickname · 02/04/2021 10:53

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. One of the risks he took in cheating on his wife was that one of the women he strung along, would get (rightly) angry about it. This is the natural consequence of his actions. I in fact think it was the morally correct thing to do (although I feel sorry for the poor wife.)

There's a real trend these days for women to "shut up" if they're wronged, under the guise of this enabling them to "retain their dignity". It doesn't, it just enables shitty men to get away with things with no consequence. A man ghosts you after a long relationship, or cheats on you? Say nothing, hold your head high, is the advised response. Why? Why does the woman have to shut up. Maybe if more women were more vocal when men had done wrong, these bastards would be a bit more scared of the consequences and behave a bit better.

Don't beat yourself up for his lack of morals or character OP. Or your natural and correct response to finding out he was such a turd!

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:54

I think you need to read some of op's posts again.

Every thread on here, posters sounding off without bothering to read the ops posts properly.

"A few weeks" - nope.

"Why didn't you realise from his SM" - second/fake FB account.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:55

@JovialNickname

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. One of the risks he took in cheating on his wife was that one of the women he strung along, would get (rightly) angry about it. This is the natural consequence of his actions. I in fact think it was the morally correct thing to do (although I feel sorry for the poor wife.)

There's a real trend these days for women to "shut up" if they're wronged, under the guise of this enabling them to "retain their dignity". It doesn't, it just enables shitty men to get away with things with no consequence. A man ghosts you after a long relationship, or cheats on you? Say nothing, hold your head high, is the advised response. Why? Why does the woman have to shut up. Maybe if more women were more vocal when men had done wrong, these bastards would be a bit more scared of the consequences and behave a bit better.

Don't beat yourself up for his lack of morals or character OP. Or your natural and correct response to finding out he was such a turd!

👏👏👏👏👏
MrsMaizel · 02/04/2021 10:55

Men like this worm their way into your life with the everyday messages . It literally is a form of seduction . There are some who are experts at it and I was also involved with one too . They are such good liars that it does not enter your head that they are indeed lying . We had a sexual relationship too and then I found out he was married . I ended it and toyed with telling his wife . I didn't in the end and I do feel sorry for her but she must know he is a cheat as that is how she met him . @BeenSuchaStupidCow what is done is done . I hope you have your FB locked down - friends' lists hidden etc , no private details showing , no photos. I understand your reason for not blocking her at this stage but I would in a few days time.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 02/04/2021 10:56

I haven't rtft just ops posts but you've done the right thing. Men can get away with abusing women when they get people to (inadvertently) collude with them. You found him out and held him to account. The other option was to say nothing and that would be allowing him to do it on repeat. He's hurting women. His wife and his old. He most likely will repeat this behaviour anyway but not your circus not your monkeys. Now head high and move on. There are plenty of sites to cater for married people, there is no stigma in being single and having multiple partners if everyone agrees, but he prefers to abuse women

DianaT1969 · 02/04/2021 10:58

On dating sites people who are genuinely looking for a relationship tend to set the geography to 1 hour - 1.5 hours maximum. Anything further is difficult to maintain.
The red flags should have been waving as soon as you 'matched' online.
If anyone reading this thread is conducting a similar long distance, online-only relationship - I recommend that you head over to the online dating board and run it past knowledgeable people there. Red bunting on this one.

Somethingkindaoooo · 02/04/2021 11:00

You have to be some kind of devious to maintain an affair ( emotional or otherwise), create a whole other FB page ( complete with friends who would have to be kept seperate) to pull this off.

This man is, no doubt, a very very good manipulator.
These people are masters at lying, and making you doubt yourself.

Personally, I think OP DID act with dignity and class. She dumped the snake, and was truthful with the wife- giving all the pertinent information and exiting. If the the wife would rather not know, then she can ignore.

ChalkingsIsAGatewayCrime · 02/04/2021 11:03

All these lofty claims of “she deserved to know” and “I’d want to know if it were me”

Who is anyone to decide what a complete stranger deserves in this situation? Or whether anyone else wants to know? Maybe she is the kind of woman who doesn’t want to know. Maybe she’s made her peace with the kind of guy she is, but as long as she isn’t directly confronted with it, she’s happy to be kept in the dark

Ok. So if we don't know whether the woman would want to know or not, then telling her is no more wrong than not telling her. After all, if you keep it to yourself, you're deciding that she DOESN'T want to know. Who are you to decide what a complete stranger wants in this situation?

I guess you play it by percentage, and it certainly seems like most women would want to know. So you're more likely to have done the right thing by telling her than not telling her.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 11:04

@ChalkingsIsAGatewayCrime

All these lofty claims of “she deserved to know” and “I’d want to know if it were me”

Who is anyone to decide what a complete stranger deserves in this situation? Or whether anyone else wants to know? Maybe she is the kind of woman who doesn’t want to know. Maybe she’s made her peace with the kind of guy she is, but as long as she isn’t directly confronted with it, she’s happy to be kept in the dark

Ok. So if we don't know whether the woman would want to know or not, then telling her is no more wrong than not telling her. After all, if you keep it to yourself, you're deciding that she DOESN'T want to know. Who are you to decide what a complete stranger wants in this situation?

I guess you play it by percentage, and it certainly seems like most women would want to know. So you're more likely to have done the right thing by telling her than not telling her.

'who are you to decide what s complete stranger wants in this situation'

OP was not acting in the interest of the woman. She had made that clear. So why anyone is trying to paint it that she was is beyond me.

raincamepouringdown · 02/04/2021 11:04

I think you've done the right thing, personally.

You've given her information and choices. She can do nothing or she can do something to protect herself.

Surely most people would want to know if their spouses were actively looking to cheat on them in this manner.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 11:04

Oh it's you Chalking! I can't argue with you 💖

Ladylimpet · 02/04/2021 11:05

@ChalkingsIsAGatewayCrime

All these lofty claims of “she deserved to know” and “I’d want to know if it were me”

Who is anyone to decide what a complete stranger deserves in this situation? Or whether anyone else wants to know? Maybe she is the kind of woman who doesn’t want to know. Maybe she’s made her peace with the kind of guy she is, but as long as she isn’t directly confronted with it, she’s happy to be kept in the dark

Ok. So if we don't know whether the woman would want to know or not, then telling her is no more wrong than not telling her. After all, if you keep it to yourself, you're deciding that she DOESN'T want to know. Who are you to decide what a complete stranger wants in this situation?

I guess you play it by percentage, and it certainly seems like most women would want to know. So you're more likely to have done the right thing by telling her than not telling her.

Bloody excellent post..great point.
BeautifulWar · 02/04/2021 11:08

If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else. If you were his first, you most certainly would not have been the last!

GoWalkabout · 02/04/2021 11:09

You've done fine. It's easier to blame ourselves when we are duped because then we feel we can prevent it in future, but the truth is you were cheated, and you have done nothing wrong.

ChalkingsIsAGatewayCrime · 02/04/2021 11:10

OP was not acting in the interest of the woman. She had made that clear. So why anyone is trying to paint it that she was is beyond me

For me it's more about the outcome than the motiva-

Oh it's you Chalking! I can't argue with you

Oh good, so we agree I'm right Grin

ImaHogg · 02/04/2021 11:12

You absolutely did the right thing.
I would have liked to think that we have moved on from the days when a wife is cheated on and is then totally the last person to find out. I am nearly 50 and clearly remember my best friend’s dad had continuously cheated on her mum, so many knew but because she was a woman in the 1970’s she wasn’t deemed important enough to be told. That she could have possibly used her own mind to, god forbid actually leave him. She did eventually find out, about 15 years after being cheated on and found herself a great partner who is still with her 30 years later but she still says she wished someone had told her as she morns those years she wasted with an uncaring cheating arsehole. OP, you did the right thing, don’t beat yourself up about it, brush yourself down, be kind to yourself and feel calm in the knowledge that you have handed the info over to the wife and it’s up to her what she chooses to do with it.

Zancah · 02/04/2021 11:13

The bloke is in the wrong, the only one in the wrong I might add. Op didn't ask to be strung along.
Telling the wife was needed, she will be understandably upset but at least she is armed with knowledge. She can continue with her relationship if she wishes - like op said - she's the only one who knows as op hasn't tipped of the DH (dh from here onwards stands for dickhead btw)
The wife now knows and can do whatever she wants with the information, be that quiet contemplation or screaming wrath.
She might sit on it for time or she might be making it known right now.
Knowledge is always power.
She might be crying into her cornflakes this morning but op may also have handed her the get out of jail card she didn't know she needed.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 11:14

@ChalkingsIsAGatewayCrime

OP was not acting in the interest of the woman. She had made that clear. So why anyone is trying to paint it that she was is beyond me

For me it's more about the outcome than the motiva-

Oh it's you Chalking! I can't argue with you

Oh good, so we agree I'm right Grin

Sniffles.

Only because it's you.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 11:15

@Zancah

The bloke is in the wrong, the only one in the wrong I might add. Op didn't ask to be strung along. Telling the wife was needed, she will be understandably upset but at least she is armed with knowledge. She can continue with her relationship if she wishes - like op said - she's the only one who knows as op hasn't tipped of the DH (dh from here onwards stands for dickhead btw) The wife now knows and can do whatever she wants with the information, be that quiet contemplation or screaming wrath. She might sit on it for time or she might be making it known right now. Knowledge is always power. She might be crying into her cornflakes this morning but op may also have handed her the get out of jail card she didn't know she needed.
Can we not pretend OP acted thoughtfully, cleverly and with honour?

She got pissed, upset and messaged the wife.

Zancah · 02/04/2021 11:19

Your posts go over my head @Butwasitherdriveway I can instantly recognise your username as always being the one arguing the opposite opinion on pretty much every contentious thread. You like an argument and go after it hard, it seems. Meh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread