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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 02/04/2021 10:21

If it were my husband I would be thanking you. I would 100 percent want to know and those screen shots would help me (evidence wise) with the divorce.

Okbussitout · 02/04/2021 10:21

@Credenhill22

Appalling
I hope you don't mean the op is appalling? Is so how? He is appalling.

People on here consistently say if their other half was cheating they would want to know. Op did the right thing.

If it wa smy fella I'd obviously be devastaed but I'd thank you for telling me. Especially as you didn't know he was married.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:22

Nothing is wrong with me pet.

Well clearly your reading comprehension is one of the things wrong with you PET.

You can't even get the length of time this guy's been messing with op right, like not even ball park figure.

MrsPsmalls · 02/04/2021 10:22

Please don't open if easily upset - triggering.
Sadly this sort of thing happens all too often which is why I advised against telling the wife. You can end up stringing in motion events you could not have foreseen
www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/cheating-husband-killed-his-wife-after-she-discovered-his-affair-a3402241.html

betterfantasia · 02/04/2021 10:22

If my husband was cheating I’d want to know. What I definitely wouldn’t want, is a message out of the blue, in the middle of a really stressful lockdown, from a complete stranger claiming they were exchanging messages with my husband.

Lockdown has nothing to do with it. It's ending anyway and you don't know if she found it stressful.

If you've been picked up as a random by a married man, you're always going to be messaging out of the blue. That's why he chose her-she can't easily get to his wife. Unless she uses social media. She could always pick a random friend of the person and give them the option but I doubt anyone would choose that.

I don't know why it's 'lofty' to want to know if you're being cheated on. That seems a very odd way to look at it. Do you feel threatened by the number of women who would be happy to walk away from a marriage that wasn't worthy of their time? Nothing lofty about that.

TechnoDino · 02/04/2021 10:23

I think that whilst what you did was a bit rash, you did the right thing in that you gave her enough information and evidence (photos with identifiable backgrounds and dates and screenshots of messages) that it proves the truth. Much better than a cryptic message or unquantifiable ‘your husband’s a cheat’ message that would freak her pit and leave him lots of wriggle room to say it was a lie and talk her round.
I do feel for his wife though. Hopefully she will come to mumsnet for support and advice.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:24

Your last post is garbage, given that OP did not do this for any of those reasons.

Who cares what her main reason was - the outcome is the things I outlined being stopped.

And all your posts are "garbage".

boobot1 · 02/04/2021 10:28

To be honest if it was my husband, I'd want to know.

Okbussitout · 02/04/2021 10:29

Also loads of people acting like he didn't actually cheat as they didn't meet. Yet there are posts almost weekly about emotional affairs and they are very much viewed as cheating by OPs and posters.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 10:29

@MarshmallowAra

Nothing is wrong with me pet.

Well clearly your reading comprehension is one of the things wrong with you PET.

You can't even get the length of time this guy's been messing with op right, like not even ball park figure.

Ooft my apologies. I obviously had better things to do than read 13 pages in great detail and shout at people who don't agree with me.
Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 10:30

@MarshmallowAra

Your last post is garbage, given that OP did not do this for any of those reasons.

Who cares what her main reason was - the outcome is the things I outlined being stopped.

And all your posts are "garbage".

Well, the fact you're trying to claim that OP somehow stopped all these things, despite her obvious bad intentions.
awomensworkisneverdone · 02/04/2021 10:31

Talking for almost a year and didn't know this man was married??!
Did he not have his own wife anywhere on his profile?? So strange.
Im torn. Yes I would want to know.
I just hope you told her in the right way and didn't just lash out on your messages to her.
Iv been in this situation and its not nice.
Hope it works out

Pugworld · 02/04/2021 10:34

How many times have we seen it on here, a woman emotionally and financially fucked because her cheating arsehole husband/partner has been lying to her for years? Is it better that she discovers that information for herself after God knows how long, or someone tells her? He was on a dating site ffs, the wife is basically having the piss taken out of her and there's people saying the OP is unnecessarily stirring the shit.

HamFisted · 02/04/2021 10:34

Wow, I can't believe the amount of people vilifying OP for this. Should men be allowed to cheat with impunity? Because if no one is ever allowed to tell the partner of a cheater that they're a cheater, that's what it amounts to.

If every woman did what the OP did in this situation, providing incontrovertible evidence as OP did, cheating would be far less common, don't you think?

lockdownalli · 02/04/2021 10:35

OP I think you are getting a hard time here.

You have acknowledged that you were stupid to have been taken in by this louse, but you aren't the first and won't be the last.

He is the one to blame here. He is married. He has fucked up his marriage, whatever his poor wife decides to do.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 10:36

Yet there are posts almost weekly about emotional affairs and they are very much viewed as cheating by OPs and posters

I’m not sure this can be classified as an emotional affair. He was just a cat fish. They never met, or even spent a moment together, and it’s clear he targeted someone far enough away that he didn’t need to meet the op and set up fake profiles to do so. On old you specify geography, he’s specifically went after someone who lives several hours away to get away with it, and she’s likely not the only woman he’s being doing this to.

Is it cheating yes, but not in the typical sense, it’s also creepy, cruel, deceitful and many other things. It’s just a horrible thing to do to someone, for what, a sense of power, an ego boost, a cheap sexual thrill? It’s sickening.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 10:39

@HamFisted

Wow, I can't believe the amount of people vilifying OP for this. Should men be allowed to cheat with impunity? Because if no one is ever allowed to tell the partner of a cheater that they're a cheater, that's what it amounts to.

If every woman did what the OP did in this situation, providing incontrovertible evidence as OP did, cheating would be far less common, don't you think?

No, it wouldn't.

Also, nobody is saying everyone should be allowed to cheat. This is not black and white.

What OP did was wrong.

Doesn't mean every woman is.

LaBellina · 02/04/2021 10:42

Why is the OP wrong?

If it was nothing that happened then surely the wife won’t be bothered by the message that she received by OP, laugh it off and think oh well.....

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:43

What OP did was wrong.

No, it wasn't.

BigFatLiar · 02/04/2021 10:43

What he did was bad. What OP did was also bad. Just because someone hurts you doesn't mean you should also strike out.

After several months of chatting I'm surprised she only just got around to checking what he had on his SM. Doesn't sound likely, I'd be looking fairly soon after getting involved as I suspect he would.

ClarkeGriffin · 02/04/2021 10:43

@Iamthewombat

So all those who think op was wrong, I assume you're happy for your partners or future partners to cheat on you, potentially give you an std etc

It’s not binary, you know. It is possible to simultaneously think that the OP was wrong to act as she did AND not tolerate being cheated on in your own relationship.

So how do you expect to find out then if no one tells you?
SallyAnn32 · 02/04/2021 10:44

Being that wife who's husband was having an affair I'd say that as much as you've contributed to crumbling her world, in the long run you've done yourself a huge favour. I can't imagine it was an easy thing for you to do. She'll appreciate it in the long run. Just dont let him come running back to you

SallyAnn32 · 02/04/2021 10:45

@SallyAnn32

Being that wife who's husband was having an affair I'd say that as much as you've contributed to crumbling her world, in the long run you've done yourself a huge favour. I can't imagine it was an easy thing for you to do. She'll appreciate it in the long run. Just dont let him come running back to you
*Done her a massive favour
MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:47

What OP did was also bad

Nope.

She's been messed with by a married man pretending to be single fir months, including sending intimate pics.

You told the person most affected by this.

She tried to make sure there are consequences for him; that's her right.

And if anyone actually believes this is isolated on his part, you probably shouldn't be outside a responsible adult.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 10:48

(She told the person most affected by this).