Page 7 | Partner wont put me on mortgage

Mynewusername1 · 2021-04-01T18:43:19+00:00

Would you expect your partner to put your name on the mortgage if you were in a long term relationship? oh says its his money as hes worked hard he has a degree etc and saved up deposit I work but only earn min wage not educated but pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

Alsohuman · 01/04/2021 21:17

@StephenBelafonte

As far as I'm concerned, having children with someone is as big a commitment as being married to them

This might well be the case for women @DarkMatterA2Z but for men, i'm pretty sure the bigger commitment is marriage.

Crucially it’s not the same legally.

2020newbie · 01/04/2021 21:18

Shoe on the other foot here I bought our home and I pay the mortgage so I don’t have DP name on it. He earns more than me but while he chooses to do whatever he wants with his money differently I chose to get a deposit together and now I pay the mortgage. So no I definitely wouldn’t put his name on it unless he can match what I’ve already paid and we were to remortgage.

MmeLaraque · 01/04/2021 21:18

Not read the thread, but no. Unless we'd been together for some years, or the other person has contributed in some way. Circumstances meant that I contributed an £8k deposit to our first house. That money could *only be used in the way it was used, so yes, I absolutely have an equal share in our mortgage.

We've been together for 30+years, and have kids, so this is absolutely an equal partnership.

If you have kids, or some other extenuating circumstances, your mileage may vary. If I get time to read the thread, I'll add more.

NotAPanda · 01/04/2021 21:18

@RouxLou81

I do not understand why marriage differentiates being put on the mortgage or not for most of the posters here. Ypurein a longterm relationship with the father of your kuds. We're living in the 21st century...having a ring on your finger does not equal commitment.

Unfortunately UK law has not caught up here and you don't have the same rights as a married couple.

In Ireland, the law was was updated a few years back to give more rights to cohabiting couples. An anecdote I heard was this was a result of bachelor farmers having long term partners who did all the housework and helped our around the farm but were left without a roof over their heads in the end. Equally, unmarried housewives who maintain the household so the husband can pursue a career.

This is about much more than just you. What if something happened to him, is there a risk your kids would be left with no home?

At a minimum you should have a will together to protect you and your children.

Tbh he does sounds like a mans arse tbh.

Ironically the historical norm was common law spouses - especially because most of the population couldn’t read. Glad to see that this is now considered a modern value :)

History aside - the ‘piece of paper isn’t commitment’ brigade contradicts themselves. If it’s ‘just a piece of paper’ it should made no difference to whether you have it or not, should it? Might as well have it then.

This is not aimed at OP btw just a general observation. We as a society do ourselves a disservice by focusing on the starry eyed romance part of relationships over the cold, hard practicalities.

wewereliars · 01/04/2021 21:19

That's your solution OP, leave, improve your financial position, and leave the children with the excuse for a man who tells you he didn't want them and refuses to give their mother any financial security. What could possibly go wrong

BillyTodd · 01/04/2021 21:19

@canigooutyet

He should have put a condom on it of course but with his unwillingness to get engaged who knows, he might not have wanted the children. I'm not condoning his choice of words, however it wouldn't be the first or last time someone has had children to "trap" someone.

What the fuck type of bullshit is this?!

He has her trapped financially quite nicely and he knows it.

There are children multiple. If it's entrapment then he really has been quite careless not sorting out his own contraception hasn't he? Like fuck has she "trapped" him - he clearly doesn't feel trapped, he has said and demonstrated as much. He's just a scummy man who feels awfully entitled to a free bangmaid, cook, cleaner and nanny.

Ro198 · 01/04/2021 21:21

No

DarkMatterA2Z · 01/04/2021 21:22

We as a society do ourselves a disservice by focusing on the starry eyed romance part of relationships over the cold, hard practicalities.

Couldn't agree more. The 'cold, hard practicalities' in many cases are one partner's unpaid labour in the form of housework and childcare being taken advantage of by the other partner to facilitate their (paid) job or career. Thus gaining themselves financial security at the expense of the other partner. The only way to right the balance is to refuse to provide this "service" for them without financial compensation or security in the form of marriage.

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 21:23

Nope, don't want to see more rights for people who shack up. That's their lookout. There are plenty of rights - marry or civil partnership.

BillyTodd · 01/04/2021 21:24

@2020newbie

Shoe on the other foot here I bought our home and I pay the mortgage so I don’t have DP name on it. He earns more than me but while he chooses to do whatever he wants with his money differently I chose to get a deposit together and now I pay the mortgage. So no I definitely wouldn’t put his name on it unless he can match what I’ve already paid and we were to remortgage.

Good for you!

It's women who tend to be the financial losers both in relationships and in breakups. He sounds like if you two broke up, he'd be just fine. The OP, with two kids in tow, would not.

5zeds · 01/04/2021 21:26

Reduce your contribution to the cost of running the house so it is the same proportionally as his. Eg if he contributes half his income, so do you
Then SAVE the rest till you have enough for the deposit on the cheapest property near you and buy it yourself and rent it out. This way you are on the property ladder too and have options if you ever want to leave.

Woolybear · 01/04/2021 21:26

wewereliars

Do people on this thread actually think that a woman, who has facilitated her partner's career and earning power by bringing up his children should be left homeless in the event of a split while he builds up a nice cushion of equity? The OP is not a ONS, she is the mother of his children. Absolutely astounding!

Totally agree with the above, plus OP you have no security whatsoever for you and your children ☹️

DarkMatterA2Z · 01/04/2021 21:27

That's your solution OP, leave, improve your financial position, and leave the children with the excuse for a man who tells you he didn't want them and refuses to give their mother any financial security. What could possibly go wrong

Men are just as capable of parenting as women. Some men choose not to when they can palm it off onto someone else, but most fathers will step up if they have to. Like one pp said, the OP's partner may not have made a commitment to the OP but he has made a commitment to his children.

MouseholeCat · 01/04/2021 21:28

Having read the full thread, your partner is a total jackass. His attitude to your children is abhorrent, so is the fact that he has kicked all of you out before. I expect him not putting you on the mortgage is about control and abuse, and even if you offered to buy in then he'd probably say no.

That aside, if I owned a house that was solely purchased due to my earnings then I probably wouldn't just put my partner on the mortgage. Instead, I'd want to help my partner to build their earning power so that we could enter a joint purchase. But I don't for a second think that's the kind of relationship you're in.

girlofnow · 01/04/2021 21:28

If you have children together then 100% yes.

Teentitansonloop · 01/04/2021 21:29

op find out what you would be able to claim if you were to separate using the turn2us website. Also work out what property you could afford to with your earnings and benefits combined. Even if you can only afford a studio, it would be better than sitting waiting for him to through you out again.

wewereliars · 01/04/2021 21:29

There are no rights for someone who's partner wont marry them or financialy suppprt them in any way. This country is lagging behind many others who recognise that children and the primary carers of them should be financially protected in law where the reality of a situation is a de facto marriage. Pretending all parties are equal is bullshit when children are in the mix. Maybe the unwed mothers should be dragged along in a cart with a scarlet letter on their foreheads and thechildren sent up chimneys..

hhsa · 01/04/2021 21:31

Same as pp I am stay at home mum to 4. Married 20 years and never worked in my married life. He pays the morgage etc. If we broke up he would leave not me.

PADH · 01/04/2021 21:32

@canigooutyet

He should have put a condom on it of course but with his unwillingness to get engaged who knows, he might not have wanted the children. I'm not condoning his choice of words, however it wouldn't be the first or last time someone has had children to "trap" someone.

Vile.

Fruitsaladjelly · 01/04/2021 21:32

And this is why first comes marriage then the children. I know it sounds old fashioned but it stops exactly this sort of situation.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2021 21:33

@Mynewusername1

We were together before he bought it, i would have liked to have saved and paid towards the deposit too. We have dc but he says i wanted them :-/ I don’t think I would have much of a career but still could work hard to pay for it...

I wouldn't be staying with someone with that attitude.

Dizzy1234 · 01/04/2021 21:33

No I wouldn't put my OH on my mortgage, I've worked hard for what I've got and I had my mortgage long before we met, I've nearly paid it off.
To get round this he bought a property which he rents out & now we're thinking of selling both and buying something together but as I have more equity it will be ring fenced.

daretodenim · 01/04/2021 21:33

His word means shit all. Of course he won't move out of the property that he owns if you split up - he doesn't even really feel responsible for his children, let alone you! YOU ARE VULNERABLE, VERY VULNERABLE to being made homeless and broke, at his will, at any time of his choosing. You are not free to walk away from him and that makes you vulnerable as hell to dancing to his tune as the only other option for you is to risk being made homeless if you displease him. You are at his mercy - that's never a healthy thing for a relationship and you deserve better.

Here's what I BEG you to do as a matter of urgency;

- SAVE your money for yourself. Don't pay him a penny rent, and pay bills by % earnings, not 50/50.

- MAKE A PLAN for how you would leave instantly if it ever came to it, and get yourself the resources you would need - money, house, whatever. Make yourself a woman with options.

- GO TO WORK FULL TIME and he has to put up with the increased cost of childcare. BUILD YOURSELF A CAREER AND A LIFE AS IF YOU WERE SINGLE. Yes pandemic makes this harder - do it anyway, and with urgency. Same with equal division of housework. You are NOT to be his live in maid if he won't even put a ring on your finger and guarantee legally in writing that you won't be homeless and broke at his will. Fuck. That. Shit.

- Recognise that he is a Low Value Male, and stop giving more of yourself to him and this relationship than he is willing to give to you. There is a reddit thread called Female Dating Strategy that I suggest you read about LVM.

I second all of this from BillyTodd

Id add that I bet you're a nice person, who thinks the well-being of the children will suffer if you go back to work early and he has to do more (any) childcare, or also that you won't be able to afford the childcare cos he won't pay it. Yeah. No. The children will be fine and if there is any suffering it'll be minor in comparison to what you're risking here, by working less a day longer.

If he refuses to pay childcare, deduct it from what you normally give him monthly. It might be all you normally give him. As his name alone is on all bills, that's not actually your problem.

This man, who you love, is treating you horribly. The scales are so unbalanced it's actively cruel. And yet you're not alone. So many women end up in similar situations because they believe the myth sold to women that love makes up for everything abd they're lucky they have a man.

Start this evening OP. Figure out how you're going to increase your earnings and savings.

PurpleBiro21 · 01/04/2021 21:35

@DarkMatterA2Z I’m surprised you think the kids should be left with a man who has told their mother ‘well you wanted them’.

I put money on it that he does hardly if any care for them. There’s no way I’d leave my DC with such a man.

There’s no way I’d stay with such a man actually.

DarkMatterA2Z · 01/04/2021 21:37

@PurpleBiro21. Assuming no abuse/neglect, most men can step up if offloading their responsibilities onto others is no longer an option. He may even become a better parent if he does more parenting.