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Original poster

My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

388 replies

Tored · 01/04/2021 09:26

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

OP posts:
Goodytoshoes · 01/04/2021 11:37

@TheUnwindingCableCar

There are plenty of ways she could have told us the child was conceived in an affair without labelling the child as an "affair child"

And now people are suggesting the daughter be relegated to once a fortnight visits? Poor kid.

Your son is 3. Autism or not three year olds do not play well with other kids. Deal with it the same way you would if the daughter was biologically yours and you couldn't bin her off.

Or cut your losses and let her enjoy her life. Your husband is a dick anyway. No great loss.

When I said fortnightly visits I meant with her older brother, not with her father.
KurtWilde · 01/04/2021 11:37

OP you sound lovely and well done for dealing with what must've been an horrific situation with such level headedness.

I would imagine your DS does see her as competition - akin to a younger cousin visiting and playing with his toys and disrupting his day. I don't think your DH seeing her elsewhere is the answer though. I would second the advice of not being so reactive to his behaviour.

AmelieTaylor · 01/04/2021 11:38

@Tored

I'm sorry you've been bombarded by some really horrible posters. Try not to let them get to you.

There are also a lot of well meaning posts, but the posters clearly have no experience of children with autism. Some of the advice will make things worse, not better.

thelegohooverer posted good advice. I'd also suggest posting in the SEN topic, where people have much more experience & good advice.

Your DS is not behaving any differently than a lot of NT or autistic 3 year olds. Obviously you can't just let it carry on, but at the same time, don't think his behaviour is unusual!!

HermionePotter123 · 01/04/2021 11:40

@Marineboy67 completely agree. I think the OP is doing brilliantly under the circumstances but typical MN completely overlooking the actual issue and rather jumping on the PC brigade bandwagon

Salarymallory · 01/04/2021 11:41

i suspect the root of his behaviour is jealousy, I may be wrong and hope I am.

I suspect the root causes are:-

  1. He is 3 years old
  2. He is autistic
  3. He is 3 years old
ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 01/04/2021 11:41

Maybe she needs to be there more than once a week.

Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 11:43

There has been alot of gaslighting on this thread, so much so you've actually made me question where I do resent her in some way.

After examining my relationship with her and all of our interactions I'm going to stand firm on my original position, I have no animosity towards her at all.

I have made alot of effort to get to know her and make her visits here enjoyable, she comes to me for hugs and kisses which I happily reciprocate.

None of that would happen if I didn't want her here or felt negatively towards her.

OP posts:
saraclara · 01/04/2021 11:43

Over the last year, toddlers haven't had the chance to interact with other children. So your DS isn't used to sharing you or your space with anyone, which must add to the problem. Even an NT child would probably struggle more with this situation now, than they would have a year ago.

You've had some good advice. I just want to say that you sound a really lovely person. Not many would do what you're doing.

RUOKHon · 01/04/2021 11:43

With absolutely no judgement here OP, but I’m wondering if, by the way you worded your title and OP, you’re really asking whether your son hitting this child is a good enough reason to stop contact in the house and for your husband to have contact with his DD on his own.

I can see you’re making a superhuman effort to move past the affair and accept the child, but a few things in your OP make it seem like maybe you’re not all that okay?

RUOKHon · 01/04/2021 11:45

you've actually made me question where I do resent her in some way

I think it would be completely and utterly normal if you did. As logically unreasonable as it may be. You are human. And you’ve been hurt and betrayed. And she is a constant reminder of that.

YoniAndGuy · 01/04/2021 11:46

@ThatsNotTheTeaHunty

Maybe she needs to be there more than once a week.
Good thing OP has already stated that she comes twice a week and stays over then isn't it.
Goodytoshoes · 01/04/2021 11:48

I'm wondering if some of the nasty people on here have children that are the result of an affair, and are taking OPs wording personally? I could obviously be wrong, but I'm honestly just baffled as to how people can take such offence to one phrase.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2021 11:50

@Mrgrinch

I can't even bring myself to read this.

Why bother 'accepting' the situation (your cheating partner who will definitely cheat again if he's already gotten away with it when a child was conceived) if you're going to label this poor toddler an 'affair child'? That's absolutely disgusting.

I expect OP uses the child’s name IRL
Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 11:51

I can’t get past ‘affair child’

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 01/04/2021 11:52

As your son has Autism in all honesty all you can do is up supervision.

Your son won't have the emotional understanding of other children his age. The usual methods just won't work.

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 11:52

@Goodytoshoes

I'm wondering if some of the nasty people on here have children that are the result of an affair, and are taking OPs wording personally? I could obviously be wrong, but I'm honestly just baffled as to how people can take such offence to one phrase.
Ha, nope 😂😂 Just think it’s a pretty disgusting thing to call a child who had no say in the matter but suit yourself.
Jazzy1814 · 01/04/2021 11:52

Maybe read every single comment from her since and you will realise she’s trying her best and doing a pretty good job of accepting and bonding with a child that isn’t hers and was conceived while she was pregnant and vulnerable even though she’s clearly been through a tough time with her own ds. Sometimes MN expects people to be superhuman.
What really stood out to me is how op made no excuses about her own childs behaviour and has only said positive things about her dsd, if she really has underlying resentment for her dsd I can only imagine she’d find some way of blaming her for her ds behaviour but she hasn’t.

Nomorepies · 01/04/2021 11:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 11:53

@Jazzy1814

Maybe read every single comment from her since and you will realise she’s trying her best and doing a pretty good job of accepting and bonding with a child that isn’t hers and was conceived while she was pregnant and vulnerable even though she’s clearly been through a tough time with her own ds. Sometimes MN expects people to be superhuman. What really stood out to me is how op made no excuses about her own childs behaviour and has only said positive things about her dsd, if she really has underlying resentment for her dsd I can only imagine she’d find some way of blaming her for her ds behaviour but she hasn’t.
Is it superhuman not to use gross terminology, I would have thought that was just basic.
Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 11:54

Affair child is the routinely used description, for a child conceived in such circumstances, on a surviving infidelity forum I use.

Can you please just fucking stop.

OP posts:
Goodytoshoes · 01/04/2021 11:54

@Fembot123 glad to see you recognise that you've been nasty to OP.

I highly doubt OP calls her "affair child" during her visits, I'm sure she uses her name.

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 11:55

@Tored

Affair child is the routinely used description, for a child conceived in such circumstances, on a surviving infidelity forum I use.

Can you please just fucking stop.

That’s really sad 😞
me4real · 01/04/2021 11:55

I disagree with those who say you think badly of her or anything. A child of an affair is what she is- it's not a value judgement.

It's your own DS' behavious you're not happy with. You're not criticizing anything about her at all. You're just trying to ensure her wellbeing.

Salarymallory · 01/04/2021 11:56

@Tored

Affair child is the routinely used description, for a child conceived in such circumstances, on a surviving infidelity forum I use.

Can you please just fucking stop.

It’s so frustrating OP

I sympathise

Some posters are laughable

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 11:56

[quote Goodytoshoes]@Fembot123 glad to see you recognise that you've been nasty to OP.

I highly doubt OP calls her "affair child" during her visits, I'm sure she uses her name.[/quote]
Grow up! The only thing ‘nasty’ here is calling a toddler that but you obviously inhabit an entirely different world to me.

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