My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

@DuggyOnDown

Even if OP does struggle subconsciously with this little girls 'place in her family', is that not totally understandable?

How many of you would be saintly enough to stay and welcome this child, being kind and warm toward her?

I for one would have left and never wanted to lay eyes on them, child or not.

I'm obviously not suggesting you should be mean, if you decide to stay then yes you do have to be kind but my God can posters really not appreciate how hard that would be?

I’d find it hard/impossible to forgive my husband but I wouldn’t have an issue with the child or think that’s the hard part of this.

@TheUnwindingCableCar

The best thing to do here is for you to split up so that poor little girl can have a good life with people who actually love her and don't just tolerate her with an undercurrent of hate for something which wasn't her fault.

As a side from that your son won't be able to be mean to her.

What a stupid dickhead reply. Her son has autism

I’d find it hard/impossible to forgive my husband but I wouldn’t have an issue with the child or think that’s the hard part of this

Well hats off to you then genuinely, because I and I imagine a lot of other people would struggle seeing a child regularly knowing they had come about from your husbands affair. Add to that the fact they'd also mean you could never fully get away from the OW etc... It's such a tough situation.

@DuggyOnDown

I’d find it hard/impossible to forgive my husband but I wouldn’t have an issue with the child or think that’s the hard part of this

Well hats off to you then genuinely, because I and I imagine a lot of other people would struggle seeing a child regularly knowing they had come about from your husbands affair. Add to that the fact they'd also mean you could never fully get away from the OW etc... It's such a tough situation.

I think if I didn’t have my own child with him that would change things if that makes sense but it’s a moot point as I don’t think I could stay with him if he cheated on me especially at such a vulnerable time.

I think most children go through a hitting stage. My son did, he used to hit me and laugh. Even when I was showing I was upset and putting him on the naughty step. It did pass

This is a Difficult situation. The thing that people who haven't had an autistic child often don't understand is that the child may simply not respond to usual parenting strategies, like rewards or consequences for behaviour. All the usual things that people suggest, that worked fine for older siblings , just don't work. This is particularly if. they have a PDA like profile.
I am in that situation too, people like to give you well meaning advice that worked for their neurotypical children, and when you say that you've tried that they clearly just think you are an ineffective parent. At least when you have older kids you know the difference.
To me this sounds as if professional help is required. Would your stepdaughter s mother to having a therapist who does playbased therapy, like floortime, facilitate the 2 children's interaction for a while to teach you and your husband strategies.

OP I’d like to suggest posting on the step-parenting board so that you’d get a bit more support from people who understand the dynamic, but sadly these aggressive and wilfully ignorant posts happen all over the place on there too. Unless you are unfailingly 109% in love with your DH’s other children you are the evil step mother of Grimm’s fairytales and should divorce your H. It’s ridiculous.

Maybe repost in the parenting or ASD sections and refer to the child as a friend’s child and you might get more helpful replies.

I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, to have tried to rebuild your marriage after the worst kind of betrayal at the worst time and to then have this constant reminder of it must be horrendously hard for you.

The fact that you welcome this little girl into your life and home despite how she came to be, is testament to your big heart and capacity for love. Don’t listen to these nasty posters with an axe to grind.

109%?! I meant 100 of course

He's given time out yes, we remove him from the situation and take him into another room (usually the one where his sensory things are)

If you were to think of this from a sensory perspective, he might be experiencing a sensory arousal and relieving that sensation by lashing out.

It would be better for him to access a calming sensory experience that isn’t hitting her. And I think you instinctively know this because you’re putting him in the room with his sensory things.

The problem now is that hitting the little girl is part of a chain

Feel uncomfortable - hit girl - get sensory calming

That might be why you see him seeking her out when he’s upset by something unrelated to her.

There’s a few ways to break the chain.

1. don’t consequate hitting by taking him to the sensory room. There should be no consequence to hitting at all. It needs to be like a broken switch that doesn’t do anything useful at all.

2. teach him a very reliable way to ask for the room - a sign/a word- a picture- a gesture- standing at the door - anything.

3. try and catch the moments of frustration and before he has a chance to lash out, help him to ask for the room. (This is hard because it requires intense supervision. But it’s a bit like potty training; a lot of effort but worthwhile. If you miss it, and he lashes out, ignore the behaviour, and get between him and her so he can’t hit her.

And it usually gets worse before it gets better. Exactly the way if a light switch stopped working, you’d press it on and off a few times to check, and then press it from habit now and then.

As long as you are consistent in not giving him a reaction, or access to the sensory room he’ll realise that hitting is a broken switch.

I’m not saying to punish him by not giving him the room, if that makes sense.

There’s really no need for punishments or “negative consequences”. With autistic children you just need to figure out what the undesirable behaviour is doing for them, and give them a better way. They’re not bad.

Sorry that’s very wordy. You obviously have great instincts op. It’s just a case of learning the tricks of how to parent for a neuro diverse child.

@TheUnwindingCableCar

The best thing to do here is for you to split up so that poor little girl can have a good life with people who actually love her and don't just tolerate her with an undercurrent of hate for something which wasn't her fault.

As a side from that your son won't be able to be mean to her.

how ridiculous! Why would OP need to love her? She's not her mother or even related. As long as she is kind, caring and welcoming - that is only what is required.

The best thing I think would be be for you to not to comment. Clearly you can't provide any constructive advice.

She is the affair child, as she was the result of an affair. The OP was accurate in her description. It was necessary to include that to give fill context, as a younger half-sister he sees once a week, would raise questions without the background.

OP... You're amazing to deal with this situation. A permanent reminder of his infidelity must be so hard.

Your H should absolutely be eternally grateful and appreciative to you for this.

If you didn't care about her, you wouldn't have created this thread. Ignore pp who have insulted you or been anything less than kind or supportive. Could be that that been the OW or the child on the past...or just that they lack empathy towards you.

Hi OP - have you heard of 'social stories'? Sound fancier than they are but I have found they work very well with young children with ASD in my class. Basically it is a very simple little story based on the situation, told in the first person, with pictures to go alongside it. It should be positive in its language but also explicit about behaviours. You read it together very frequently. It essentially helps to coach the child through situations they find difficult. They always start in the same way..."My name is . I am years old. I live in my house with my mummy and daddy. Sometimes my sister comes to stay. She is called . Sometimes I feel cross with my sister. Sometimes I want to hit her. I should not hit my sister. Hitting makes people sad. Mummy can help me calm down by [insert calm down activity here] This will help me not to feel cross. I have kind hands. My sister and I can play together with mummy and daddy."

I'm not an expert in writing them but if you have a Google you might come across a few ideas. Simplicity, positivity and also being explicit is the key. And in my experience they can work really well!

Good luck x

FFS she didn't have to ask for help. Quite within her rights not to care about this child who is a constant reminder her husband has broken her heart.

All you picking on her are bullies and while you should be ashamed of yourselves, I just feel sorry for you and embarrassed for you.

TheUnwindingCableCar

The best thing to do here is for you to split up so that poor little girl can have a good life with people who actually love her and don't just tolerate her with an undercurrent of hate for something which wasn't her fault.
.......
I'd like to know from where you got the 'undercurrent of hate' for this little girl. If you read the thread properly you will see that the op really cares about her.

To be very honest, I did start reading this and thought OP was a bit harsh. However, the bullying this thread descended into was vile. Do people not think OP has experienced enough from an emotionally abusive, lying and gaslighting husband (that's still slinking around. His presence anywhere near me would be reminder enough even if no child was involved).
And I say that as someone who's 5 year relationship ended because he cheated and got her pregnant.

Might be wrong, but I don't think a single poster has even questioned what the father is doing in this situation given both kids are his and the daughter is mainly there for contact with him? So bizarre.

Where is the DH in all of this?

Where is his contribution to researching, exploring and implementing appropriate strategies for all of his children in this complex situation?

Is he leading this and taking responsibility?

He is bending over backwards to soothe cherish and support YOU through this difficult time?

@Sssloou

Where is the DH in all of this?

Where is his contribution to researching, exploring and implementing appropriate strategies for all of his children in this complex situation?

Is he leading this and taking responsibility?

He is bending over backwards to soothe cherish and support YOU through this difficult time?

He cheated on his wife when she was 38 weeks pregnant. Of course he isn’t!

I suspect the root of his behaviour is jealousy, I may be wrong and hope I am.

Do you have an issue with jealousy? Jealousy is a normal reaction and it is not a moral failing. Many children have it to their own siblings. Though jealousy may not be the main player here, your DS may not be at that stage of awareness. He may simply see his half-sister as a disruption or disturbance. Or he may not know how to interact with her or get her to do what he wants, he may find it easier to interact with older children.

in this case there are no triggers, she doesn't do anything to provoke him whatsoever.

But she is in his space. It isn't unusual for a child with social-communication issues to behave that way with a younger child/sibling. And as pp have said, the fact that she isn't there all the time will mean that she is a disruption to his routine.

In the long run he probably needs to be taught very explcitly how to interact with her in a positive way. Closely supervised bits of turn taking and co-operation, one child gets the cars out of the box and hands them to the other child who lines them up in the garage. Free play isn't likely to go well and it may get easier when they are both old enough to play in a more structured way. In the meantime your best bet is probably to structure their time together as best you can so he knows what to expect and exactly how to behave, and so that he always has something to do. Maybe give him a little routine of thigns to do when she arrives and keep them both occupied while she is there. And of course the little girl should spend some time just together with her father.

then DS will run across the room to get to her.

You do need to intervene before he gets there. Keep him busy and distracted; take him over to her at intervals and get them to play for a few minutes in a positive way (so he can learn how) and then separate them again while they are still happy and before it all goes tits-up; or if all else fails remove one of them before he gets to hit her.

I agree with you that reinforcing that "hitting is wrong" isn't likely to get you very far in the short term. DS isn't likely to make the connection with his own behaviour yet, at best he will associate his sister with him getting punished and scolded and that wont help with any jealousy issues.

The amount of vindictiveness on this thread is abhorrent. I take my hat off to the OP for managing so well in such a difficult situation. I'd be proud to be half the woman she is to be hones. She is reaching out for help for the little girl, which shows she clearly cares for her. Why people are jumping on her use of (factual) terminology rather than trying to offer advice is beyond me. Hope you're OK OP.

And I second the idea of a social story @Lnix. I have a severely autistic younger brother and social stories were used throughout his life, particularly when change was being introduced. It was the only thing that helped him cope with new situations.

*Might be wrong, but I don't think a single poster has even questioned what the father is doing in this situation given both kids are his and the daughter is mainly there for contact with him? So bizarre.**

Good point. Why is the OP dealing with this on her own? What does the father of both children have to say about the issue?

Might be wrong, but I don't think a single poster has even questioned what the father is doing in this situation given both kids are his and the daughter is mainly there for contact with him? So bizarre.

@OldLang - yes I did in p2 and again cross posted with you. Neither OP or other posters picked up just ignored and either laid into the OP or assumed it’s all on her to carry this unrealistic emotional load alone.

She needs to prioritise her son here. He needs a fully attuned and rested parent for this especially tough childhood journey. If her DH compromises this and drains her she needs to decide who’s needs come first.

She may be able to balance all of this and her intentions are laudable. But the reality is she agreed to this before her son’s diagnosis. It may now not be sustainable. Depends how much her husband supports her.

This thread proves to me why I would not think of mumsnet as a support network if I needed help.
Some really vindictive people on here rather than offering support.

If you don’t agree with what is posted then feel free to disagree and maybe offer another point of view but do it constructively rather than tearing someone down just so you can present a version of yourself that you think is superior.

I hope Tored gets the support and advice she has asked for.

NT kids can also be fine with older kids but with younger and vice versa. NT 3 yo would have problems understanding and expressing how they were feeling about a new sibling too. Your idea to ask his paediatrician is a good idea.

If the weather improves perhaps taking him or her out on their own will help keep stress levels down for your son.

I'm back, excuse the flouncing it was all getting a bit much this morning.

Social stories are a good idea. I haven't begun using them yet but will. This was also a suggestion by DS' education psychologist who works with us in conjunction with nursery (to use in general, not specifically for the violent outbursts)

At present, I use a 'now and next' board to help with transitions which are a meltdown trigger. This was a suggestion given to me by a SALT therapist and works well on a day to day basis. I have 20+ cards laminated (including one with a picture of his sister on) which I put on the board, with him, to let him know what's happening on any given day.

With regards to what OH is doing to remedy the situation, the answer is nothing short of separating them and dealing with the behaviour there and then when it happens. It's me who is fretting about the situation in general and wanting to find ways to prevent, rather than just handling it when it happens. He's much more laid back than I am and doesn't tend to 'worry' like I do.

I appreciate the input from those of you who understand autism and/or have autistic loved ones too. As you will appreciate his ASD adds another layer of complexity as he just doesn't respond to being told off in the way a NT child would.

He's semi verbal at present and doesn't have a good level of understanding and communication. He can tell me what he needs with one or two short words but there's no back and forth. If I give him an instruction he's not able to process that or follow it.

I just want to reiterate that my OP comes from a place of concern and care, despite the circumstances of her conception she's an innocent child and doesn't deserve to be attacked every week.

To answer the PPs who asked, she does have her own toys here yes. DS has a select few toys that he's obsessional about and doesn't want to play with anything else, fortunately she has no interest in those toys so there isn't conflict over sharing.

I maintain that I don't harbour any animosity towards her and I'm very fond of her, although perhaps I haven't been acknowledging just how difficult this situation is for me and DS.

Ever since she entered our lives I've been in 'Mary poppins' mode, so to speak.

Making sure the children are as happy as possible, making an exerted effort to welcome her and help her feel secure in her second home.

During the early days when I first met her I did have to excuse myself for a few minutes to have a cry but quickly buried those feelings and just got on with it.

Over time I became very fond of her and grew to look forward to her visits, she grew very fond of me too and preferred my company to OH's much of the time.

I can see why my choice of wording might have come across as harsh but I was using those words as a description, to be factual, not to be nasty to her.