My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

As always the MNers pick up totally the wrong end of the stick, then attempt to beat the OP to death with it.

I very much doubt the people being so bloody awful to OP on here would have even a tiny amount of the strength and Grace OP is showing
She needs our support, her husbands child isn’t on here so (within reason) it doesn’t matter what she calls her.
I am absolutely disgusted by some people on this thread, condemning OP for using a term they don’t like when the majority of them would probably not even let this child in their house in OPs shoes

What the fuck is wrong with posters on this thread?

If OP hadn't mentioned where this little girl had come from, she'd have been quizzed on how her husband had a younger child than their son who wasn't hers. Jesus people just like to attach an agenda to absolutely anything and latch onto it for dear life sometimes.

OP, please don't be put off I can see you were just coming here for advice and lots of posters won't be an absolute twat about it.

Also there isn't actually anything wrong if you were struggling with the way this little girl came about. You can be kind and warm to her because she is a child but you can still struggle with the fact that she came about through an affair your husband have. You're not a bloody Saint. I would find that incredibly tough and honestly I'd not really believe someone if they said it wouldn't affect the way they saw them at all and they could just love them like their own with no issue. You're a human being not a robot.

As for your son, I'm not sure what the answer is other than obviously trying to keep them apart and reinforcing what you already are, that it's wrong to hit etc... I'm going to go back now and read all of your posts but perhaps if there is somewhere your husband can see her sometimes that may help? Grandparents maybe? Not every time but occasionally.

@thelegohooverer

He's told firmly "no hitting, kind hands" and redirected to play elsewhere

There’s a lot of attention in this response. For a neuro typical child this would be very effective. With autism any attention can fuel the fire.

I would suggest giving zero attention to this behaviour. Step between him and the girl, play/soothe/engage with her. Don’t make eye contact or verbally reference the behaviour for him.

It’s very counter intuitive but this is an extremely effective response to aggression. You only have to ignore the behaviour. If he tries to join in with you and her, react positively. If he speaks to you react positively. It’s not about punishing him it’s about eliminating that particular behaviour.

Also try and teach him an appropriate way of showing upset, at other times when he’s in the moment.

The trick is to ignore the wrong behaviour, and replace it with an appropriate one. It’s a two pronged approach.

I agree with this.

Minisoksmakeshardwork has helpful advice I think OP. She seems to understand a lot of what the problem is.
Is there another board here for parents of autistic children?

I am not an expert but the only thing I can add is to ask if you might be able to pay for some extra help during the visit? For example a nursery worker on the weekend looking for extra work? Or, a special needs student? Then you could each share giving 1:1 with each child while they get used to the new relationship. If you are in the U.K. there will be the chance to perhaps do outside visits etc ( if this suits your autistic son)

Well done for welcoming this little girl and for all you must have been managing in these last three years. There are not many people - least of all your critics I suspect - who could do what you have done. I think if you can make this work you will have added a lot of love to the world of these children.

Try not to feel bad about what people here have said. Some must simply want a punch bag this morning.

@Fembot123

In your opinion which makes no difference to me. It’s a disgusting term which I’d never heard of until today and no amount of brow beating and ‘you’re mean’ will make me change my opinion on that so crack on. I’ve said nothing about it being the OPs fault her DS hits his DSS nor do I believe that to be true but get on board with a shitty term, nah.

Are you able to focus on the issue at hand rather than that one phrase though? OP needs help with a genuine issue. If you care about this little girl so much, why don't you try and give OP some useful advice?

Your contempt for the child is partly the issue, the way you describe this little person, his sister is not nice to read.

@Goodytoshoes, If I tagged and quoted I’m
entitled to respond so why don’t you try and have a different opinion without banging on and on yourself 😘

Your a better person than I am op can I ask do you ever trust him? I don't think I could handle having a child there as a consent reminder. However you were stating facts and you are wanting her to be safety and happy when she's within your home. My advice would be let your dh have access else where then slowly reintroduce her back I the family home. Do you have support from calms?

Apologies if this has already been mentioned, but could it be that your DS can not manage the change when she visits? A lot of autistic children find change very difficult, is he old enough to understand this change of routine and what it entails? Could it be that he associates her with change to his routine which cause him stress and anxiety? (Apologies if this is way off the Mark!). Could you prepare him in advance for her visits, even though they are the same every week, talk him thorough exactly what will happen etc?

And Steppemum and Legohooverer ( and anyone else with this sort of special knowledge) - their advice seems good.

Agree with advice above to try to ignore his behaviour, try to make sure you can prevent him hitting her if possible and praise his good behaviour. I have no experience of exactly this situation but a lot of one year younger nephew visiting quite often and we had a few similar incidents. It’s hard as grandparents etc expect the offender to be punished but my sister in law entirely understood and did this herself with her two who are close in age. Try to give lots of praise for kind hands and sharing etc and make sure he doesn’t feel that he’s second best when the other child visits. Does she play with his favourite toys? If so, I’d consider not making him share everything. Keep his favourite things for him. Mine was anxious that younger nephew would trash lego that he’s built so we kept his special lego builds well away.

Among some of the not so helpful replies I think you have already had some good advice. I can't comment on children who are not neurotypical but in my experience what was mentioned previously of completely ignoring the behaviour and just either placing them outside the room not saying anything, or blanking them completely works very effectively.

Honestly, it does sound like normal sibling rivalry as well to an extent. If you have a good relationship with them it might be worth asking his key worker at nursery for some strategies that they think might help him, since they will have lots of experience of watching him interact with smaller children.

Another thing, if you are sitting down playing with his half sister even if you are playing one-to-one would it be possible to have him on your lap or next to you so that he is physically blocking the space between you and his half sister, since this will make it more clear to him physically that you are his territory.

Sounds like you already have a pretty good set up with the sensory room next door as well, but if he has something he can punch when he's feeling angry maybe you can bring that through to the room with them both when she is visiting so that he has it to hand if he needs it. And you can redirect him to that if he looks like he might be feeling jealous.

@Tored

Crossed posts - thank you.

I suspect the root of his behaviour is jealousy, I may be wrong and hope I am.

They aren't left unsupervised together but do have to spend time in the same room, eating etc.

Everything can be fine, everyone is peacefully doing whatever they're doing and then DS will run across the room to get to her.

When he does this he's removed from the situation, told in no uncertain terms not to hit and why, then they're kept apart for a period of time.

The problem is it's every week.

She is fine with DS, she has never provoked him or hit back, the issue is solely his aggression towards her.

I'm worried that it's going to get to the stage where she's traumatised/scared to come or it will adversely affect her later on.

Leaving aside the issues with affair and autism, my own birth children are close in age and at that point were similarly impossible to leave due to jealousy. They absolutely adore each other and we had no option but just to keep on reinforcing the boundaries, try to police as much as we could (flipping exhausting!) and do loads of work on how loved each child was in their own right.

It’s a million times better now, a few years later. So it may be the age gap (mainly or rather than) any specific issue with the family dynamics.

Some posters have been utterly vile I hope your happy with yourselves.

Words have power. It's naive to think they don't. For instance this post could equally accurately have been titled 'My son keeps hitting OH's bastard child' or 'DS keeps hitting DSD' or "DS keeps hitting his half sister', even "DS keeps hitting his sibling'. They are all true but they have very different connotations.

Calling this little girl an 'affair child' carries a powerful message about your attitude to her and her place in your family. You might not even be aware of this attitude but it's there. MN readers have noticed it and you can be 100% sure this child and all the other half siblings in this family are aware of it too.

It is unreasonable to suggest this little girl shouldn't visit her father in his own home because her father can't keep her safe from her big brother. She has done nothing wrong and shouldn't be punished. I realise that means that your son might have to be taken out of the home during her visits with all the difficulties a change of routine involves for an autistic toddler but to me that seems the more equitable solution.

I've taught a child who acts this way with the one girl in the class - they are both autistic.
For him what has really helped has reinforcing "hugs not hit". Sometimes he would hit her because she cried and he didn't like the noise. Other times something would happen eg. His tower of bricks would fall down and he would make a beeline for this child to hit her even though she was no where near him at the time. He took a few weeks of constantly shadowing him and noticing when he was going to do it and reminding him "remember just hugs". If we weren't fast enough we would have to say "no we don't hit, you can give her a hug but don't hit" again using time out as a way for him to calm/ remove from situation where needed.
We did have to show him how to hug her to begin with too and helped him do it.
It wasn't jealousy he just didn't know what to engage with her so his automatic reaction was to hit. A few weeks later he rarely hits her though we still need to watch and remind him that he can't hug her all day either and that when she pushes him away to say no then he has to respect that and give her space. They were 4 so only a little older than your son.
There's also a book "hands are not for hitting" that's really simple and visual and might help him too

“she” and “little girl” in this post.

OH MY GOD. SHE CALLED HER SHE?!?!?!

How dare she refer to a child by her gender. I best stop calling DS he. Should I call him 'it' instead??

And as for her calling her a little girl... OH THE HORROR.

Get a fucking grip.

Oh @Tored
That's very difficult

Perhaps he likes being the little one if he gets on ok with the older ones??

I'd go against the grain and increase contact and once places open up maybe take her for tea mid week and things or to social things as if they spend more time together they might feel better about it all perhaps?

It's worth a try x

MN can be a great place but this thread has brought out the worst in some people . It’s shocking and I hope some people have a long hard look at themselves.
OP , if you come back , I think I remember your previous thread and I just want to say you are a bigger person than me . I know the child is innocent but I am really not sure I could cope with the constant reminder of my DH’s infidelity.
Good luck and take care of you 💐

@Smurf123, Not being funny, but did the little girl you were teaching him to hug instead of hit actually want to be hugged? While being hit out of blue is awful, being hugged without wanting it isn't great either, especially if you're wanting to teach little girls about bodily autonomy. I don't think she should have to be pushing him away. He needs to be taught not to touch people without permission.

Even if OP does struggle subconsciously with this little girls 'place in her family', is that not totally understandable?

How many of you would be saintly enough to stay and welcome this child, being kind and warm toward her?

I for one would have left and never wanted to lay eyes on them, child or not.

I'm obviously not suggesting you should be mean, if you decide to stay then yes you do have to be kind but my God can posters really not appreciate how hard that would be?

As a parent of child with ASD, I don't think people realise how different it is to change their behaviour. It's a slower process for a start. What @thelegohooverer says make sense. I'm sorry you're getting so much grief from people who, quite frankly, don't get it.

Amazing. OP accepts a situation that most women never would in a million years and she gets called names! How many women would allow a child who was conceived during their husband's affair into their house and be worried about them getting hurt so much that they seek advice? That shows much kindness IMO.

I think you're utterly crazy for not kicking your husband out on the street but that's not the topic.

My nephew acted very much as your DS at that age. He's not autistic but he was speech delayed so a lot of the aggression came from frustration and improved when his speech did. He too would seek out his sister to hit whenever he was annoyed about something/just because.

He was also the same with one of my DDs. He just seemed to take a dislike to her and would make a beeline to hurt her whenever he could. It was exhausting trying to keep her from getting hurt (and I admit I had some not very nice feelings towards him) but that's really all you can do at this age. Supervise and block block block or keep them separate as much as possible until he hopefully grows out of it.

Try to think about this froim a 3 year old's point of view.

Every week this small person comes to disrupt his life, he doesn't like that so he starts out 'in a bad move'.

I also think you need to examine whether there is something she is doing to irritate him. I have some traits but no diagnosis but I'm sensitive to sound. Not loud sound but a certain pitch is actually painful so she might seem to be playing with a toy minding her own business but her giggling might be the equivalent (to him) of sticking a needle in his ear.

It might not be sound but there is probably something, even if it is, 'I'm fed up, go home'