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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 31/03/2021 16:09

Oh he is playing a blinder to make himself look like the victim, no wonder he left blah blah

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:11

Should’ve mentioned NC for OH too🤣

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 31/03/2021 16:11

Some great advice on here OP. I am sorry but it does sound a bit fishy - mortgage application; passwords changing; working overtime yet it not being on his payslip; watching outnumbered with a mate!

Definitely get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice, steel yourself for the worst.

Hoping you are OK

occa · 31/03/2021 16:12

@EKGEMS

Honey,why go through the expense and trouble of a camera or trawling through his social media? He's been disrespectful,disinterested and devious to you for nearly a year! You don't have to get proof positive-I'd see a shit hot lawyer and being divorce proceedings. You and your children deserve far more than this motherfucker
Agree. This is a waste of time and energy. You don't need proof. It's over.

Save your mental and financial resources for making plans and getting separation papers drawn up so that when he drops his 'bombshell revelation' that he wants to split, you can hand him the paperwork on the spot and walk out forever.

notapizzaeater · 31/03/2021 16:15

It's too many 'coincidences'

AryaStarkWolf · 31/03/2021 16:18

@Blackcat88

Strangely enough a couple of months ago on his mother’s last visit, I remember her saying to me that I need to stop working Ben so hard with the kids etc (I definitely don’t, he works from 10pm until 7am), I obviously look after the kids etc all day (recently he’s been getting up at 7:30pm/8:30pm and leaving at work for 9:30pm). She said that he’s mentioned I’ve been making him do all the house work etc, which again is another lie as I do everything. His one ‘chore’ is putting the bins out once a week but it seemed like he was trying to paint a bad picture of me. Also told her I was moaning when he went there on his day and stayed for a a few hours which also wasn’t true!
I hope you set her straight
JarvisCockerSpanieI · 31/03/2021 16:19

What he wants, I would guess, is to leave you, blaming you, rather than admit he has another woman and it’s his fault.

Yes. Can't have his Mummy thinking ill of him, can he? So setting you up as the big, bad DIL who drove him away. Twunt.

Ingleduh · 31/03/2021 16:21

I'd get your ducks in a row an then confront him. Call his bluff, tell him you know he's having an affair an you have proof an see what he says.

Sassanacs · 31/03/2021 16:22

Horrible situation to be in but forewarned is forearmed. I think you've got a heads up here where you could gain some stability and make a plan for yourself and the kids. He does sound like he has checked out but he also is acting like he doesn't like you very much and on that basis - you owe him nothing.

Ingleduh · 31/03/2021 16:23

Also my brother has recently got a mortgage and had to put his maintenance down for his affordability check, so make sure you leave an start your maintenance claim before he can secure his own mortgage.

DPotter · 31/03/2021 16:25

The name on the birth certificate makes no odds; there is an assumption that the husband is the father of any child born to a mother, so his name will go on to the birth certificate automatically. Don't even think you can ask for it not to.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:26

He's been playing the long game OP. He has a plan and he's keeping it to himself. He is way ahead of you.

I can't understand why you are so immobile. You are not doing anything to help or protect yourself. What do you need to get you started, can you be specific?

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:27

What is your current situation. Is your house a joint tenancy and would you be able to afford it on your own?

HmmmmmmInteresting · 31/03/2021 16:33

@Blackcat88

I don’t see what keeping him off the birth certificate would achieve? Other than a lot of hassle when a CMS claim is made?
And if you're married it makes no difference to parental responsibility anyway, so this is bad advice. Your baby will be like wtf is the dad's name bit blank?!Confused
MimiDaisy11 · 31/03/2021 16:33

Some cases on here might just be a husband going through a rough patch and just being distant, but from what you've said it seems really obvious that he's planning to leave. The excuse about keeping you off the mortgage is the most obvious one.

I hope you can get good legal advice and come up with a plan of your own. It sounds like he has one.

MzHz · 31/03/2021 16:34

@WallaceinAnderland

He's been playing the long game OP. He has a plan and he's keeping it to himself. He is way ahead of you.

I can't understand why you are so immobile. You are not doing anything to help or protect yourself. What do you need to get you started, can you be specific?

I dare say @Blackcat88 is a bit stunned at the moment

She’s just coming to the realisation of what might be happening

@Blackcat88 if you’re brave enough (and majority of people in this situation would not be, so don’t beat yourself up if you can’t) take the kids to mums and pop back without warning ‘Barry’

This all stinks to high heaven.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2021 16:35

I imagine he doesn't spend all that time at his mum's, so he's telling her it's because he's doing so much housework, and then he gets the sympathy vote.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2021 16:35

I mean that he's off seeing the OW when he's meant to be at his mum's.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 31/03/2021 16:35

I'd be fuming with him and any bit of 'love' will have evaporated. How dare he have secret mortgage meetings?! Like others have said, ducks in a row, confront him and get on with moving in with your life. It will be hard, but how can you trust him ever again?

HollowTalk · 31/03/2021 16:36

And he's preparing her for the separation, by making her hostile to you, so she'll think he reacted to you being horrible, rather than causing the trouble himself.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:37

I think OP realised a long time ago - she has been considering getting spy cameras, etc. Maybe it's been a case of head in the sand though as it's all so overwhelming.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:37

@WallaceinAnderland

He's been playing the long game OP. He has a plan and he's keeping it to himself. He is way ahead of you.

I can't understand why you are so immobile. You are not doing anything to help or protect yourself. What do you need to get you started, can you be specific?

I am not being immobile, I am trying to figure out a way I can afford to live on my own and afford the rent (which is quite a lot) and I suspect solicitors etc will mean that most of the money I have saved will be gone and I’m not even sure how much he has saved at the moment!

Paperwork wise I have whilst he’s in bed tried to get what I could together, he hasn’t had a bank statement through for a while etc.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:39

Is it a joint tenancy OP?

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:39

@WallaceinAnderland

Is it a joint tenancy OP?
Yes we are both on it
OP posts:
JSL52 · 31/03/2021 16:40

Can you do an online calculator for how much UC and CMS you'd get ?
Can you move somewhere cheaper ?
Can you increase your hours ?