Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

[Blackcat88]

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

@Livelovebehappy

He’s definitely checked out op. Mirrors exactly what happened when my DH was having an affair. They try to push you away as they want you to ultimately throw them out to avoid the guilt he would feel if he left of his own accord. He’s trying to find a way to exit the marriage. You need to get things prepared financially and be one step ahead of what is going round in his head.. He will not admit to ow unless you actually catch him out, and even then will minimalise the situation.

This. Personally, I would carry on as normal. See a solicitor, get all my affairs in order so when he finally tries to leave you can burst is bubble. Let him carry on as is, don’t give him the opportunity to make it your fault and have an opening to leave. He probably wants to get a divorce and pretend it’s because of your behaviour, and then a few months down the line present his ow as his new girlfriend tomhis friends and family so he doesn’t look like a twat.

Have you been paying bills/food that has enabled him to save more in his own name?

You’ve already had some really great advice.
In addition, I wonder whether you would feel comfortable asking ‘Is everything ok between us?’ Just to ever so gently test the water. Definitely book an hour of free legal advice and in good old mumsnet style ‘get your ducks in a row’ Try to squirrel away as much cash as you can xx

Definitely agree with you carrying on as if everything is normal while you make your plans.

Id be in there with an ultimatum, either you get the mortgage together and buy the house together (and he reengages with your marriage) or you start divorce proceedings now and agree on asset splits, child arrangements and child support

But what if OP doesn't want to re-engage with someone who is having sex with someone else in her house, lying to her and planning to leave her high and dry?

Fuck that, this relationship is done. It's damage control time now.

I realise this is a bit dubious, but if you can’t get access to his phone, buy a small tracker and see where he goes when he says he is doing overtime. It’s about £20 and a small subscription.

What he wants, I would guess, is to leave you, blaming you, rather than admit he has another woman and it’s his fault.

I agree with the others, sorry, that he's seeing someone. The fact that she's come to his house (very risky) shows she doesn't live alone. Either she's young and still at home with parents or she's married, too. I think he's going to go for a one-bed place - anyone involved with him in this situation would be crazy to buy somewhere with a man who's already married. I would set him up - say you're going out and then either watch the house or walk in.

He sounds like dick. Potentially had his affair partner to your house whilst you were away Are you able to support yourself financially? How old is the baby?

If it were me I'd definitely be quietly preparing for a (happier) life without him.

I'd also be waiting for the narrative to change as he sees fits to paint you as the damning party that pushed him away. To counter that I'd be tempted to have a gentle, concerned conversation and record it.

Let his dismissive, checked out-ness shine so you can show people what really happened if he tried to blame you down the line.

Just to chime in with all the rest. Yep, sounds like he's making plans.

Make yours now, grieve later.

I would hire a storage facility and on the day you move out get the beds and sofas put in storage.
Then when he gets home he can sit on the floor with his new woman!

What an absolute prick. And he's telling you to 'trust' him.
Every single thing you have written points to him cheating. I am so sorry.

And it sounds like he has had her in the house.
Do not let on you know.
Get your ducks in a row as everyone has said.

Also find out where you'd stand if he bought the house in sole name and you are still married. If you are then entitled to half. Let the bastard buy the house and then divorce him. I don't normally condone this type of thing but he is a first class shit.

In the mean time, turn detective. Secretly.
get proof. Then you can divorce of the grounds of his behaviour (cheating) or even adultery although adultery can only be used if they have had sex, which obviously is hard to prove as he could deny this.

Good luck OP and I am so pleased to hear you have RL support. And your mum sounds brill.

But honestly in your position right now, I'd keep quiet whilst gathering as much 'evidence' as you can.

He is way ahead of you, and he doesn’t care about you one bit either. Telling you to trust him, while he already has a clear plan. Not a cool thing to do to your family. If he wanted to leave he could have just done that and not scam you.

If you find out also who the other woman is. Give her an anonymous heads up that he is actually still playing happy families and his wife has no idea. She might be believing his lies about that your marriage is over/you have seperate bedrooms as opposed to him betraying his wife utterly and completely.

Even if he talks it around and she believes him, it will sow that seed of doubt and definitely make things harder for him.

But wait until you are ready to kick him to the kerb so that if she drops him like a hot stone, he won't be coming crawling back.

@FredaFlinstone. I so get you Freda- revenge/satisfaction / looking after number 1 isn’t always about leaving instantly- although in this instance I think the OP may sadly not have the choice.

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You have had loads of good advice from others. I would just like to suggest getting a diary and jotting everything down so far so if you need to refer back you can and then carry on so if you need to go back and check something you can, or a pattern may appear of when he is likely being 'elsewhere'. About him not being able to afford a place big enough for the kids to stay over, just watch out that he doesn't play the game of not having enough room and wants to see them at the house, (so he can snoop, or you get stuck being there with him), plus then he is also controlling your life by not having a sleep over so you can't meet someone else. A PP was right that if he buys a property whilst you are married it will be classed as an asset of the marriage, he can't claim it and run off. I would be so damn tempted to set a camera up, go to your mums, and come back home alone because you forgot something

Oh and thinking ahead, I'd be tempted to not name him on the birth certificate

Time to go 'stealth'. Stop asking questions you already know the answers to. Say nothing about his 'sole mortgage'. It's time to look to your own best interests.

See a solicitor ASAP. Beg, borrow, or steal the money. Get your financial ducks in a row and figure out what's legally yours. Know your position and what you can expect financially in the split. Do all this quietly.

You say you're on Mat Leave. This may be the time to think about returning to work, if that's in your best interest. My cousin was working 1 day a week and her cheating ex kept badgering her to take on extra days. Then she found he was cheating, he left but kept badgering her to work more. Her lawyer (USA) told her do NOT do anything to increase your earnings as it will lessen the amount of child support you will receive. I don't know if the UK works on a similar basis, taking into account each parent's income when figuring maintenance.

This mortgage he's talking about. Are the two of you actually looking at places to buy or is this just in the 'talking about' stage?

@PurpleMustang

Oh and thinking ahead, I'd be tempted to not name him on the birth certificate

He may be a lot of things but he is still biological father. It would be very cruel to not list him as father on the birth certificate without his agreement.

Bear in mind that, no matter what people say on these kinds of threads, you can't kick him out of his home. If he is a tenant, or joint tenant with you, you can't do that. Also no one is entitled to a free hour of legal advice from a solicitor. Some might offer it, but by no means all do.

@PurpleMustang

Oh and thinking ahead, I'd be tempted to not name him on the birth certificate

First he’s married to the OP so he has parental responsibility whether or not he’s named on the birth certificate. And second the person it hurts most emotionally to leave him off the certificate is the child. So I would resist that temptation.

I don’t see what keeping him off the birth certificate would achieve? Other than a lot of hassle when a CMS claim is made?

Honey,why go through the expense and trouble of a camera or trawling through his social media? He's been disrespectful,disinterested and devious to you for nearly a year! You don't have to get proof positive-I'd see a shit hot lawyer and being divorce proceedings. You and your children deserve far more than this motherfucker

Strangely enough a couple of months ago on his mother’s last visit, I remember her saying to me that I need to stop working Ben so hard with the kids etc (I definitely don’t, he works from 10pm until 7am), I obviously look after the kids etc all day (recently he’s been getting up at 7:30pm/8:30pm and leaving at work for 9:30pm). She said that he’s mentioned I’ve been making him do all the house work etc, which again is another lie as I do everything. His one ‘chore’ is putting the bins out once a week but it seemed like he was trying to paint a bad picture of me. Also told her I was moaning when he went there on his day and stayed for a a few hours which also wasn’t true!

Because it gives him no rights to the child. The CMS part is easy, he has to prove he's not the father rather than he is. Only an idiot (like my ex) would deny paternity.