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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
HmmmmmmInteresting · 31/03/2021 16:41

If there's not many assets you may not even need solicitors.

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2021 16:42

@CombatBarbie

Because it gives him no rights to the child. The CMS part is easy, he has to prove he's not the father rather than he is. Only an idiot (like my ex) would deny paternity.
They're married. It will be assumed he's the father
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:42

Ok so you can't leave that property until the agreement expires or you give notice as you will be liable for half the rent.

Would it be your preference to stay there when he leaves or would you rather rent somewhere else if you can?

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:42

@JSL52

Can you do an online calculator for how much UC and CMS you'd get ? Can you move somewhere cheaper ? Can you increase your hours ?
I have done a calculator for both, I have also signed up for a housing association in just mine and kids name so hopefully that comes through soon as private rent through an agency is far too much monthly. Increasing hours at the moment would be a bit of a struggle due to childcare etc although my mother has reassured me she’s more than happy to babysit etc
OP posts:
HmmmmmmInteresting · 31/03/2021 16:43

Even if there's an agreement, the landlord may be sympathetic and let her break it early if need be. She should at least ask

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:43

Funny thing is we were saving for our mortgage with the hopes of applying in around 2ish years. All of a sudden he’s got this massive urge to do
This and is refusing to wait for me to get back into steady work etc

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:44

I wouldn't pin your hopes on housing association, especially within the 7 months you have before your tenancy ends. Have you worked out how much maintenance he would have to pay for the children?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2021 16:44

@WallaceinAnderland

He's been playing the long game OP. He has a plan and he's keeping it to himself. He is way ahead of you.

I can't understand why you are so immobile. You are not doing anything to help or protect yourself. What do you need to get you started, can you be specific?

Boy he sure is! Even to the extent of lying to his own mother to get her 'onside' so when the split happens she won't believe a word the OP has to say. Truly a despicable bawbag.

I'm not surprised that OP is having trouble getting started though. She's looking at the total destruction of what she expected her life to be through no fault of her own. Change is scary. But you're also right that it just takes that first step to get the ball rolling. If it were me, it would be legal advice.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:45

@WallaceinAnderland

Ok so you can't leave that property until the agreement expires or you give notice as you will be liable for half the rent.

Would it be your preference to stay there when he leaves or would you rather rent somewhere else if you can?

I think it would be wise for him to leave as the kids have their rooms and routines here, and I would be keeping the kids with me as he works so often
OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:45

Oh, sorry, I see you have.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:46

@WallaceinAnderland

I wouldn't pin your hopes on housing association, especially within the 7 months you have before your tenancy ends. Have you worked out how much maintenance he would have to pay for the children?
Yes I’ve used the calculator on the gov website (not sure how accurate it is though!)
OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:47

I can’t imagine he’d play a very active role in DC lives as he has slacked the last few months and no doubt he’d use the fact he works etc as a reason to barley see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:48

His mother and I have always been quite close, but recently I have noticed she’s stopped communicating with me and is solely using him (before she’d message me to get through to him)

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 16:50

-using him as a way to find out things, like with the kids etc

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:52

If you've worked out your total income and it's not enough to cover the rent and bills, etc. do you think you will have to move? Is there a different location that might be more affordable?

It sounds like he's getting the money off his mum as he's spun her a load of lies about you. She thinks she is helping him get out of a difficult situation.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/03/2021 16:53

@Blackcat88

His mother and I have always been quite close, but recently I have noticed she’s stopped communicating with me and is solely using him (before she’d message me to get through to him)
He's obviously feeding her a load of lies and he's her son at the end of the day so she's going to want to believe him over the truth I guess. Blood is usually thicker than water so there's probably not loads you can do about that. You have your own mother and she will always be on your side. I can imagine how hurtful it is though for him to be treating you so poorly and to add insult to injure telling people that it's the other way around
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 16:56

His mother must be aware of his plans to leave I think.

Itsmeagainandagain · 31/03/2021 16:59

Get in there first, believe me regain your power and get shot of him, just tell him, its not working out can you leave. Leave him puzzled and confused and tell him nothing, then cry your heart out when he closes the door.
He's left the relationship, but by God don't let him have the upper hand

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 17:02

@Itsmeagainandagain

Get in there first, believe me regain your power and get shot of him, just tell him, its not working out can you leave. Leave him puzzled and confused and tell him nothing, then cry your heart out when he closes the door. He's left the relationship, but by God don't let him have the upper hand
It's not that simple. OP can't afford her rent on her own. I think your mum's advice was probably best and she knows you and your situation. Get legal advice and rent your own place.
Onthedunes · 31/03/2021 17:06

Yes he's re writing history and changing the narrative to suit him.
His mother sounds a rediculous cow if she believes him, I wouldn't be surprised if she's already met the ow.
Do not tell his mother anything! This is Important.

Really what you need to find out is whether allowing him to buy this property before the shit hits the fan is more beneficial to you than separating before.

I would cool the conversations down and just say you're feeling a little unapreciated. Go to your moms, leave a recording device or camara at the home.

You need to be in full facts before you act as you are currently in limbo waiting for him to make the next step. If you could afford a PI I would.

He really is a piece of shit, taking the greedy bastards way out. This man is too selfish to negotiate with.
He is in the wrong yet wants everything.

Naughty boy. Sounds like mommies always let him have his own way.

Itsmeagainandagain · 31/03/2021 17:08

So you're saying she stays with him while he makes a complete mug of her in order to save on the rent? He's a coward and the op deserves better, she should chuck him out before he chucks her.

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 17:13

@Itsmeagainandagain

So you're saying she stays with him while he makes a complete mug of her in order to save on the rent? He's a coward and the op deserves better, she should chuck him out before he chucks her.
No I'm saying she can't afford the rent if she chucks him out.

It's alright being all gung ho about it but you're not the person who's going to be in that situation.

Onthedunes · 31/03/2021 17:18

Would op have a stake in the house though, if he went ahead and bought it.
If she kicks him out now neither have got property and he can hide what monies he has until divorced.

What's best?
Any solicitors here ?

Itstimetoquit · 31/03/2021 17:19

Doesn't sound good op x

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2021 17:20

@Blackcat88

-using him as a way to find out things, like with the kids etc
So he's spinning her a line and she's believing him.

Bear that in mind when you split. She will always be on his side, not yours.

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