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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/03/2021 12:32

He's got it all planned out, hasn't he.

Well I'm absolutely sure your gut instinct is correct and he's just waiting to get all HIS ducks in a row and then ending it with you - so I would do exactly the same, get all your info together, all the financial paperwork, any passports the kids might have and all their paperwork, and then pull the plug on it before he does.

Don't ask his mum anything until you're ready to bin him off, because if you do, she'll talk to him and give him the heads up that you know something is off.

I'm disgusted in him - I've been almost where you are, without the kids, and we were engaged, not married, but it was fucking horrible, wondering what was going on and why he was distant, things were different etc. Mine claimed that "nothing had happened" before we split but of course it fucking had. He went straight from our bed to hers - that's not a "nothing happened" scenario.

And yours! Of COURSE the "friend Barry" was actually the woman he's shagging, he dared to bring her into your home! Angry

Ugh, he's despicable. I hope you can get everything together quickly and get him out. Thanks

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 31/03/2021 12:32

Oh OP what a shit situation.
Time to be proactive and practical. Disengage from him and concentrate on yourself/the kids and the practicalities. Excellent advice above re paperwork. Don’t wait for him to call the shots, do it for him.

TheJerkStore · 31/03/2021 12:36

This is just horrible.

He really thinks you're stupid. Time to prove him wrong.

icouldwriteabook · 31/03/2021 12:37

Hi OP.
I know alot of people are commenting great advice, but i feel i need to give you my story so you know i 100% understand how you're feeling. this exact same thing happened to me late last year. i was 4 months pregannt with our second child, no other issues going on and all of a sudden his behvaiour changed,like a light switch.

he would snap at me and our toddler over nothing, started taking his phone in the shower/under his p[illow when he slept instead of on the bedside table. being short with me,moody and distant. kept saying he wanted to get his own house (we own a house together!) and i was just baffled. on confronting him and asking him outright about another woman, he of course denied it, made me feel insane and stated he was simply depressed and wanted to live on his own.

basically, he was having his cake and eating it. so i did alot of digging and eventually found out he was cheating on me with a 19 year old new girl from work. (we worked at the same place). i packed everything he owned and kicked him out. he didn't fight it, he still tried to deny a lot of it, yet moved in to her house a week after Christmas, exactly 2 weeks after id kicked him out.

take your control back! i wasn't prepared to let him betray me (whilst pregnant) and then have the cheek to tell me he was leaving me, once he was sure that's what he wanted. nope. i packed his stuff in bin bags and he was gone, approximately 6 weeks after he started treating me like absolute shit, and 4 hours after i got my proof of him cheating.

his life is now an utter mess, he has no money and is sponging off a 19 year old (who is just as bad as him). i'm due our baby in 4 weeks and ill stand by its the best decision i made, even if it was horrendously hard and i feel guilty every day for my children.

these are clear signs he has checked out of your marriage, as horrible as that is to read. i'm so sorry you're having to even write this on here. but the one piece of advice i can give is take what control you can back. don't question him, as he'll tell you you're insane. they will deny it until their last breath. get some legal advice, also some financial advice, make sure you will be OK without his wage. get your ducks in a row and try and find as much as you can out. then i'd confront, don't let him bullshit you, or twist it back on you. i also wouldn't give him a choice,just simply ask him to leave. the truth will always come out in the end, if he wants a mortgage on his own, let him crack on and get one. throwing a full family away because they think the grass is greener.

the grass is only greener where you water it.

good luck, you've got this.

YoniAndGuy · 31/03/2021 12:37

Well it's all obvious.

The stuff that really matters is money - you are married - if he's saved more than you tough - they're half yours. Can you get wage slips/pension stuff/savings details?

If you're very close to his mum, can you open a conversation with her?

Lol at the house buying... YOU ARE MARRIED - um it's not quite so simple as him skipping off into the sunset merrily buying houses... you're financially linked, sadly for him!

81Byerley · 31/03/2021 12:38

@Blackcat88 Definitely make sure you read the article @FortunesFave has recommended!

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 12:39

I think it might be worth just spelling it out to him that your name does not need to be on the mortgage for you to own half the house. I think this might be a flaw in his plan that he hasn't considered.

Then you could suggest that you look at the paperwork together, about how much he can borrow and how he is going to pay his mum back if she is lending him money. You might be able to find out more about his plans this way and, if not, at least you will have taken the wind out of his sails.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/03/2021 12:42

@icouldwriteabook good for you, your story is inspiring

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 31/03/2021 12:45

"mentioned that he’s going to be going for a mortgage by himself as he feels even with me working I don’t earn much"

I think you the best thing you can do for this situation and your mental health is to pierce this boil. Your assets/ accounts etc sound simple enough that there is not much dodgy stuff he can do, other than what he could possibly be planning regarding this house purchase. I'm not sure what help a lawyer could offer you at this stage other than costing a lot of money to discuss what 'might' happen, which really isn't worth it.

I would challenge him on that BS about the mortgage, tell him you're not a fool. Tell him his recent behaviour is unacceptable. Id be in there with an ultimatum, either you get the mortgage together and buy the house together (and he reengages with your marriage) or you start divorce proceedings now and agree on asset splits, child arrangements and child support. No emotion, just as cold as you can be. No crying or begging please, that pushes them further away and gives them the upper hand.

Carrying on living with this level of gaslighting and passive aggressive abuse is damaging to you. Please don't suffer it any longer.

CombatBarbie · 31/03/2021 12:47

When is he next off? I'll place bets on him engineering an argument and the bitch in me would indeed allow this to happen and go off to my mums and then "pop" home unexpectedly.

CombatBarbie · 31/03/2021 12:49

Or get one of the screen alexas, you can drop in on it remotely and will be able to see who is there. Depends how switched on he is.... But if he's stupid enough to bring another woman into your home then I doubt he is very intelligent.

GabsAlot · 31/03/2021 12:50

well no he wasnt wacthing friends and outnumbered with barry was he

Roszie · 31/03/2021 12:52

Sit him down and tell him you know.

JSL52 · 31/03/2021 12:53

@Blackcat88

I thought maybe I was being a bit silly to be honest, but I think it’s obvious he’s hiding something and clearly wants to exit the marriage.

It feels like I can’t talk to him anymore IYSWIM. He’s different and he’s definitely changed a lot of his personality, there was an incident a couple of weeks back where he kept picking at things and trying to argue so i had left with the children to go to my mums for a couple of nights as I didn’t want to animosity around the kids. Strangely he had said he invited one of his friends around for pizza and a coupe of beers but he had said I think three times if you are coming back let me know so Barry (NC) will be gone before you got back. I wasn’t necessarily too suspicious at that point until I got home and had seen my Netflix had been used to watch Friends and Outnumbered. He has never watched these before and has often said these shows are a lot of shit lol. I said well who’s watched this? He said his friend put it on for background noise ( usually would be music) and I was shocked that him and his ‘friend’ would watch these types of shows together.

God, he's had someone else in your house.
Nonmaquillee · 31/03/2021 12:53

He's checked out of the relationship. He's making sure he has another woman to go to, immediately.
You need to end it and keep your dignity.

Lipz · 31/03/2021 12:58

It does sound strange alright.

Firstly, going for a mortgage you NEED every income that is coming in accounted for so as to get the highest loan.

The overtime and it not on his payslip is the most common excuse when having an affair. Even if true, his job will have to pay him what he's owed and they have to have it shown on the next payslip, so I'd keep at him to show you that he has been paid.

Can you show up at his job when he's meant to be working?

The picking for a fight is common too, you leave giving him free reign to do what he wants.

There's a few things you can do like suggested by other posters to find out. Or just face him and ask outright and tell him you want no bullshit. The wondering and worrying is not good for your mental health.

Mywingshurt · 31/03/2021 13:00

Slip a few laxatives in his drink before he does overtime.

BlackMarauder · 31/03/2021 13:13

@FredaFlinstone I love how you handled your DH like a boss. He forfeited the right to your affections when he betrayed you twice. Sounds like you're already detaching yourself in preparation for the inevitable. Damn right! Leave him high and dry on your terms.

Tal45 · 31/03/2021 13:15

I would get a camera and go to your mums again. It's pretty obvious what's happening but then you will have concrete proof. Get yourself an STD test.

MotherofTerriers · 31/03/2021 13:26

Get legal advice and copies of any documents you need - leave them at your mums for safekeeping, together with anything you couldn't bear to lose.
Then go to your mums for a couple of nights and pop back to catch him and Barry

RoxanneMonke · 31/03/2021 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itlod1982 · 31/03/2021 13:38

So sorry you're going to through this @Blackcat88
I also agree it sounds pretty certain there is someone else. However, best case scenario is that he's not cheating but still acting like a complete d*ck and making zero effort - you deserve better and would still be better off without him Thanks

Handsoffstrikesagain · 31/03/2021 13:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

FredaFlinstone · 31/03/2021 13:44

Sounds like you're already detaching yourself in preparation for the inevitable. Damn right! Leave him high and dry on your terms.

Yes, I am. I am retraining, I've got a new job, am fitter and healthier than I was a year ago and I am cultivating my female friendships. I am only still here because a) I can't be arsed with another man so that is not a driving factor and b) In a couple of years time I can walk away with a lot more £ than I can now. DH is not unpleasant, in fact, he is being really nice to me but I have realised that the world won't end if he and I split up. In fact, in some ways, I would be happier.