Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 31/03/2021 19:20

@Blackcat88

I felt a tiny bit happy thinking maybe he wants to spend time with us, stupid I know.
It's not stupid OP. It's really not. I think we would have all felt a bit of hope there.
worriedwithhindsight · 31/03/2021 19:24

Please don't trust his mother. She's already distancing herself. She may even have met the OW.

CoconutQueen · 31/03/2021 19:24

Sorry to read about all this OP. Sooner or later he will slip up, and you will come across some proof of what he is up to. I wouldn't trust him an inch now, sorry. And I would be quietly searching for that proof asap.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 19:31

@worriedwithhindsight

Please don't trust his mother. She's already distancing herself. She may even have met the OW.
She’s very ‘my son can’t do any wrong’ as it is, so when he spins her lies I can imagine she takes to them like a duck to water.
OP posts:
Kotatsu · 31/03/2021 19:32

I'm just on the other side of this OP - DP started being off with me, travelling more for work, then I found messages with his personal trainer talking about sex shops and kik chats and hookups with other women, so I ended it.

He couldn't get out of the house away from me and the kids fast enough once I ended it. Turned out that not only was he hooking up with allsorts, but he also had a new girlfriend I didn't know about queued up.

He left us in the new year (having cocooned in hotels and the spare room rather than spend time with the kids - even though he hadn't seen them for 3 months). 3 months later, he messages them maybe once a week, the youngest is refusing even to speak with him, the eldest is being polite, and it's all in the hands of solicitors (we own our house outright, so it's a lot of money at stake, and he broke every agreement we'd made in December so I can't trust him without it being court enforceable)

The thing that I'm most, most cross about is the cowardice. Even the 10 years I've put my career on the backburner and taken the hit with the kids so he was free to climb the ladder and earn pale into insignificance with how angry I am that he couldn't even just come out and say it was over, that I had to find out about his deception for myself. What the fuck was he thinking?

expat101 · 31/03/2021 19:37

So sorry to read this is happening to you. I wondered if you got on well with any of the neighbours, enough to tell you if they saw anyone strange coming and going when you were not home for those days?

When I was little, my road friend, her sister and her mum had travelled os, I watched my friends father welcome a woman with a big fur coat into their home. I was amazed at the fur coat and told my road friend all about it when they arrived back. You can guess what happened, dad was entertaining his OW and they found out through me. I must have been all of 10 at the time....

I’m really pleased to read your mum knows and is providing support. Is anyone available to wait outside Hubby’s work to see him coming and going? What about workmates, do they know you well? Is hubby telling anyone you are already separated? Someone’s wife will be feeling very uncomfortable about now and will spill the beans, if she knows you well enough.

In the meanwhile, please do get legal advise re his bank account. He cannot financially check out of his responsibilities. When you are ready, and without the children, I would be visiting the MIL unexpectedly and see what she has to say for herself. She will be straight on the phone to him, so have your ducks in a row and get the locks changed so he cannot return home.

This has now got to be under your terms.

Honeyroar · 31/03/2021 19:38

He just wants to know that you’re busy and not likely to come back when he’s “seeing his friends”.

LouiseTrees · 31/03/2021 19:39

@Blackcat88

Almost like he wants to know that I’ll be busy doing family time that I won’t find him with OW or whatever.
I’d be tempted to get the family to watch the kids then go track him down.
Drinkingallthewine · 31/03/2021 19:43

The keenness he has to get you and the kids out of the house during his free time likely means that if there is an OW, she either lives with a partner, or parents and are snatching time away wherever they can.

Either way it's not looking good. I wouldn't play games with cameras or trackers - even the way he's treating you now, whether that's down to an OW or not, falls far short of what you'd expect from a loving partner who's invested. So regardless of what you know or don't know, it's time to prepare your exit out of this marriage.

pam290358 · 31/03/2021 19:46

If you know his employer, why don’t you ring on some pretext when he’s supposed to be working ‘overtime’ and see if he’s actually there ?

DeePlume · 31/03/2021 19:47

Sorry to say that this is what happened before my husband left me.

Bananadramallama · 31/03/2021 19:50

Oh this is so upsetting to read, can you stay in the rental on your own?

SappysCurry · 31/03/2021 20:09

@Blackcat88

I felt a tiny bit happy thinking maybe he wants to spend time with us, stupid I know.
Hi OP I have read his thread and have just made an account especially to say my heart is absolutely breaking for you - that post has mad me feel so very sad for you 😢 You and your children deserve so much more - sorry no advice other that what has already been given but I really hope everything works out for you eventually.
Mylovelyhorsee · 31/03/2021 20:13

This sounds awful. So sorry op.

BelleSausage · 31/03/2021 20:22

This is awful OP. He is gaslighting everyone (his mum included) to arrange his life how he wants.

My advice is to be brave and cut him off at the pass- get your ducks in a row and leave him first. Don’t give him the satisfaction of a big scene and rows. He isn’t worth it if he is going to make you feel like shit.

He is damaging your reputation with his mum and sneaking around and is not at all emotionally or domestically supportive. You are worth more than that.

AnImposter · 31/03/2021 20:23

Leaving or kicking him out now, is going to be bloody difficult, painful, you'll be broke and struggle.

Waiting for evidence, finances, or for him to leave is going to be bloody difficult, painful, you'll be broke and struggle.

Staying so he can destroy your mental health, confidence, self esteem, make you feel crazy. Not a chance.

Get out now, fuck the money it'll be hard either way. Save your mental health and start healing sooner rather than later.

That's my advice. Thanks

MollyButton · 31/03/2021 20:27

If you are maried he automatically goes on the birth certificate. If not, then I would keep him off - it has no effect on CMS, but does mean he doesn't have automatic parental responsibility, so he at least has to make an effort if he wants it.

But that is only relevant if you are not married.

Dery · 31/03/2021 20:40

You’ve had great advice on this thread.

The fact that he started a few months ago lying about his overtime and lying to his mum about the demands you’ve been placing on him shows that (a) he is incredibly calculating and dishonest, and (b) he is way ahead of you on this journey.

As PP have suggested, try to get some legal advice. In your shoes, I would be tempted to act like you trust and believe him over the coming week or so, make a big show of going to your parents, perhaps with a plan to stay over, then come back and see if you find him with someone. You should probably have someone with you for personal support if you do this.

I would also want to put the record straight with his mum. No doubt she will still support him ultimately but she might be a bit shocked to find out how readily her son has lied to her.

blitzen · 31/03/2021 20:50

OP, I am so sorry for your situation. Just wanted to post as the first thing that popped in my head was he might have tracking on your phone or car to check you're definitely at your mum's. X

Honeyroar · 31/03/2021 20:52

Did you not put his mum straight- “he doesn’t do any housework at all. How strange, he’s coming out with some very strange statements lately!”

exaltedwombat · 31/03/2021 21:00

From what you've told us, this doesn't look good. But 'guilty in the court of MumsNet' is not sufficient (sorry, Meghan!) Don't react TOO hard to suppositions. They tend to grow when unchecked by firm, hard facts.

Trumplosttheelection · 31/03/2021 21:08

What a twat!

Asking your mum rearranges something so he can have his bit on the side round!

It would be a shame if your toddler dropped his phone in the loo over the next day or two.

And if strangely the threads in the crotch seam of every pair of trousers he owns simultaneously perishes leaving his arse hanging out.

And all the buttons on his shirts fall off.

And his t shirts melt in the drier.

And all his pants get accidentally donated to the clothing bank.

And then I would absolutely return unexpectedly.

I would unfortunately be likely to accidentally trip and dent her car on my way in to the house. Rotten luck if you had your keys on your hand so you scratched it well too.

And then throw him out.

I'm sure there are mature ways to handle this but I would want him to be humiliated and inconvenienced.

Gladimnotamillenial · 31/03/2021 21:20

Sorry this is happening, op. I think I’d definitely ‘Conveniently’ return home for something you’ve forgotten, when he’s home with his ‘Friend’

Shouldbedoing · 31/03/2021 21:21

Dear OP, I've RTFT and I'm concerned at the entrenchment of finances and waste of legal fees if he's able to buy a house at this stage. It would take a lot of unravelling and in the short term, you lose money on purchase costs, surveys, building insurance etc. He doesn't seem to realise that only half of the family pot is his and probably only one third of it since you will be primary carer for 2 small babies, something to ask a solicitor, I think.

SpacePotato · 31/03/2021 21:32

The bullshit he's been telling mummy is all part of the story he is concocting about you being mean and making him do everything so it's all your fault. You drove him to it etc etc.

His behaviour will get worse as he ramps it up so that YOU are the one to break up with him, thus he is again able to position himself as the victim on the situation.

He now feels so confident in his bullshit he us bringing the other person into your home! Fucker.

Swipe left for the next trending thread