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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
LilMrsT · 31/03/2021 17:23

I read you original post and felt sick aswell at how I was in your position. I didn't notice alot of behaviour change until one day it just hit me. So I looked into a couple things and like you lots of girls added at once on SM, sitting on different sofas, working more ( he was at work) not talking, sleeping in different bed cos he had a 'cough' .. turned out all bullshit he was sexting a sl"t from his work. Hadn't got to a physical stage at that point but once that trust is gone it's gone. I decided to read some of the exchanged messages and stayed with him but couple years on now and I still have mega trust issues!!

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 17:26

@Onthedunes

Would op have a stake in the house though, if he went ahead and bought it. If she kicks him out now neither have got property and he can hide what monies he has until divorced.

What's best?
Any solicitors here ?

I'm not a solicitor but it would depend how much he has in savings. I think you can take the total savings (hers and his) and split them in half but I'm not sure about that. If he had significantly more then he would have to pay some to OP and would not have the deposit for his house.

If his house is all mortgage and money borrowed from his mum then OP wouldn't have a claim on any of it as far as I can tell. Especially if he bought it after they separate.

This is why OP needs legal advice. Citizens Advice Bureau might be able to help and they can also advise on housing.

MzHz · 31/03/2021 17:27

@Blackcat88

His mother and I have always been quite close, but recently I have noticed she’s stopped communicating with me and is solely using him (before she’d message me to get through to him)
This is what kind of clinches it - you need to tackle this subject head on.
Outbutnotoutout · 31/03/2021 17:28

He is definitely spending time with the OW before work and on his "OT".

Does he have face recognition for his phone, can you use a picture, or his face when he is asleep.

Itsmeagainandagain · 31/03/2021 17:31

Actually I have been in that position when I had nothing, not even a tin of bloody beans to feed my child in the cupboard. My only regret was knowing something was wrong and taking it like a doormat. If I'd had the guts to I'd have chucked him out before he made a total clown of me. Which is why I'm telling op. Its best to save face than have everyone's damn pity and viewed as a doormat

Apricot10 · 31/03/2021 17:35

God this is so horrible to read. Happened to me, started doing loads of overtime. I felt sorry for him because he was working until 11pm every.singel.day.
After a few months, I asked if he could put some of his overtime money towards something for the house and he said he didn't have any as they had messed up his overtime payments. That's when I knew it was bollocks. It was another woman, half his age. He nows lives with her and we are divorcing.
Trust yourself OP, do not doubt yourself for one minute. Flowers

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 17:40

@Apricot10

God this is so horrible to read. Happened to me, started doing loads of overtime. I felt sorry for him because he was working until 11pm every.singel.day. After a few months, I asked if he could put some of his overtime money towards something for the house and he said he didn't have any as they had messed up his overtime payments. That's when I knew it was bollocks. It was another woman, half his age. He nows lives with her and we are divorcing. Trust yourself OP, do not doubt yourself for one minute. Flowers
That’s what he keeps saying too, messing up his payments etc. Working through breaks with the promise of being paid only to be told apparently there’s not enough of a budget to pay him! He works a very large company btw over 900 stores in total in the uk!
OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 17:41

Oh yes I get his mother will of course always be on his side, but it’s just the fact within 2 months she’s slowly stopped all contact with me (she’d usually message me at least every day)

OP posts:
Yorkshirehillbilly · 31/03/2021 17:46

You are doing so well getting all the practical stuff together. Be prepared for it to hit you at some point and maybe feel like you are in shock. You need to see his bank / savings as being main carer you may be entitled to bigger share. Also any debts / credit cards. I suspect he wants to apply for mortgage before he is liable for CM as this will reduce what he can get. Perhaps ask to look at the mortgage / savings figures. Go on moneysavingexpert and check if anything you can save on by switching or cancelling subscriptions etc. Online calculators are pretty accurate. If he’s on a low wage then once CM is taken into account he won’t be much of a catch for OW. You are right to prepare yourself for him checking out of dc lives I never thought my ex would and that was what shocked me most. I don’t think you need lawyer if assets are just cars and possessions. You can get court fees waived if you are on benefits. You do need to be sure he hasn’t been stashing money away and he doesn’t have loads more than you saved.

BrilliantBetty · 31/03/2021 17:48

Can't believe he's been shagging someone else in your family home. He is absolutely rotten. Both of them are... she'll have seen your stuff, kids toys, baby bits and everything. And couldn't give a shit.

You're a better person than me because i'd be getting video evidence and pictures of the two of them, which I'd happily share with everyone!! They should both be embarrassed and disgusted with themselves and a good public shaming might help with that!

Anyway. It might be worth approaching your local council as 'threatened with homelessness'. They would probably be able to negotiate with landlord helping you to stay in the property, or with deposits etc for a new private rented place if it comes to it. Good luck with everything OP. He really is a twat.

Lilactimes · 31/03/2021 17:55

I’m so sorry. This must be really difficult for you. I’ve been divorced and single for a long long time. Probably not the best person to comment!!
But you are married, and you do have children and I would say it’s definitely worth trying to find out more and fix before automatically assuming it’s over. Being a single mum is tough.
Perhaps try and have a talk as calmly as possible and lay out your hunches and say how hurt and sad you’re feeling and that you need to know the truth.
Also if he is having an affair - it’s up to you - and you alone - how you choose to deal with that information. I know some very strong successful women who decided it was worth fighting for their marriage and after time apart they made up and now it’s stronger than ever. Alternatively I know women who’ve ended their marriage after a small fling/ snog/ one night stand because their value system could not forgive.
How you react to any news is totally up to you and what you can forgive and no one else.
He sounds like he may have had his head turned - but this doesn’t mean that it’s reciprocated - or serious once he realises the repercussions of losing you and the kids.
Handle yourself and the situation really carefully. Be kind to yourself Flowers

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 31/03/2021 17:56

@Blackcat88

Oh yes I get his mother will of course always be on his side, but it’s just the fact within 2 months she’s slowly stopped all contact with me (she’d usually message me at least every day)
Did you set her straight when she asked you to stop making him do so much around the house?
HollowTalk · 31/03/2021 17:56

I would message his mum, "Hi, is everything OK? I haven't heard from you in a while." Might as well make her sweat while you're at it. I hate to say it but a friend was in a similar position and the guy was taking the woman to his mum's house.

Onthedunes · 31/03/2021 18:00

At the moment there is nothing definite you can do, I mean what if this is not about leaving you or there is not another woman, it's a crazy place to be.
You're damed if you do and damed if you don't.

If you are certain, he's got one foot out of the door if you file for divorce that probably would scupper his plans to buy another house.
Bank accounts may be put hold, but what if he has been giving his mother money to save and it's not actually her money he is loaning.

It truly is despicable of him if he wishes to scam you when you have his children to bring up.
A prince amongst men.

UniversalAunt · 31/03/2021 18:02

How do you feel about contacting his mum bright & breezy to find out how she is & have a catch-up.You may find out more by letting her talk.

It’s in her interest to maintain a good relationship with you so that she does not have to rely upon her son if she’d like to see her GC regularly.

Not enough money in the kitty to pay him? Yeah right.
He’s trying to box clever & avoid leaving a payslip trail so you know his earnings. Red flag.
He’ll need those payslips for this amazing mortgage he’s going to get on his own, so he must have proof of earnings somewhere. Of course he could be keeping them at work. Look out for any buff HMRC envelopes coming through the post, such as P60 end of year tax statement.

WilsonMilson · 31/03/2021 18:04

Fuck that for a lark, there’s no way you should be accepting that sort of shitty behaviour. He’s clearly up to something, probably at it with someone else, and definitely doesn’t sound like he gives a fig about you any more.

I wouldn’t tolerate that sort of bs. I’d confront him and ask wtf is going on. No doubt you’ll here some more bs, at which point I’d tell him to pack his bags and go.

It’s over and he’s a knob. I’m not sure what else there is to say tbh.

lalafafa · 31/03/2021 18:11

what a horrible man, feel so sorry for you OP.

SomethingElse2 · 31/03/2021 18:21

Sorry OP he sounds like a shitbag

Mrgrinch · 31/03/2021 18:24

What a complete and utter scumbag. Sneaking another woman into his children's home? I don't know how you can stay so calm.

SunshineCake · 31/03/2021 18:27

He's slagging you off to his mother. No wonder she's stopped messaging you. No wonder he had to leave you when you made him change a nappy etc etc.

I'm so sorry. Get your parents to help you and pull the rug from under this prat.

whymewhyme · 31/03/2021 18:27

I think if i were you id pack his bag and leave it outside and tell him to fuck off!

whymewhyme · 31/03/2021 18:28

I've read so many awfull stories about shitbag men on here but this has to be the worsed ive read, truly shocking!

Opentooffers · 31/03/2021 18:33

Sorry but he's not working the hours you think, if he works nights, I'd say 2or 3 of them will be spent with OW. He likely plans to move in with her and get on half her mortgage, which is why he doesn't need to save. You may well find that he hasn't got much in the way of savings because he's likely spending a fair bit with her.
See solicitor asap.

bullyingadvice2017 · 31/03/2021 18:38

Defo ow.

Teardrop2021 · 31/03/2021 18:42

My friend through excately this 2 years ago. Changed behaviour, causing arguments on valentines day staying out in a hotel, going round 'friends' houses etc. Thankfully someone messaged my friend and told her that her dh was having an affair at work with a girl and that he had left work early to go round her house and that everyone knew, it was a rocky few months but utilmately they split up. It sounds very much like he's having an affair and thinks the green is greener. He's already starting sabotaging your character to his mother to make out he couldn't handle it anymore and is the victim. Gather as much as you can and when you can I'd leave him.