Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

275 replies

MyBug · 30/03/2021 13:11

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

OP posts:

Original poster

MyBug · 01/04/2021 07:19

@SparklingStars10 at points in this thread you will find I said he IS caring because he really is. His attitude to my sexual satisfaction is at odds with the rest of his personality.
You will find I also answered the one about how I manage to orgasm at all.
All the info is there.

OP posts:

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 01/04/2021 07:34

In your shoes I would feel cheated. If he was putting in effort before and once married he reverts to CBA territory I would feel Pissed off about that.

I would also feel resentment for the fact that you have voiced your needs over and over and it makes no difference. I get that you say he is great in every other way but I would start asking myself why he is when you have made it clear to him you are not getting your needs met. Is he being great in every other way to stop you leaving? I think I would feel a bit manipulated because he's doing all the stuff he is comfortable with but won't even try with the bits you need. If you start to see him as being selfish, you start to see him in a different way.

An alternative is perhaps having a FWB. Perhaps have a very frank conversation where you say you have tried and tried to get the sex life you want out of him and it is clearly not going to happen. Ask him how he would feel if you 'went elsewhere'. You have to mean it though. No manipulative stuff to get him to step up as it's past that stage. You know he won't. Being as he has in the past though, it would fuck me right off!

SparklingStars10 · 01/04/2021 07:40

@MyBug and I didn’t question him not being caring. As you later go on to explain he’s ‘clueless’ and doesn’t give oral etc, giving the impression he’s crap in bed, I wondered how you even managed to orgasm

Original poster

MyBug · 01/04/2021 08:24

It is indeed a wonder. Careful use of a bullet, even then it takes an age. 🧐

OP posts:

whitespotsgreenleaves · 01/04/2021 08:32

so will by now have a pretty good idea what does it for them?( @brainlikepastry*

Yes, that's the point though isn't it? He knows what works for HIM and appears to not be bothered to do or learn what works for OP.

Original poster

MyBug · 01/04/2021 08:35

Also think that he thinks he IS trying . He will ask me if I like what he’s doing but it always falls short. For example I can put his fingers/ bullet on the perfect spot and tell him ‘just there that’s good’ and then within seconds he will move position. I will immediately move it back again. Sometimes I ask him why he keeps moving it away. He seems confused and doesn’t seem to know he’s doing it. Even though I’ve shown him over and over where my clitoris is he will always start somewhere on the side of my labia.
Last weekend during the kissing incident session he actually moved the vibrator up on my pubic bone. I lay there for a while thinking ‘wtf’. I suspect he had drifted off 🧐
I genuinely have no idea why he can’t- won’t remember. Sometimes I really want to rage. I don’t . Then it just becomes really stressful . I have taken to holding his hand in place. It would be a damn sight easier just to do it all myself.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 01/04/2021 09:04

Is he generally not spacially aware?

DH is clumsy as- we gave up on sex because, frankly, it was both tedious and risky. If I got anywhere near any sensation of excitement, he'd probably kneel on my hair or elbow me.

How into sex is he? Is he borderline asexual? How would you feel about getting your kicks elsewhere and this being your safe home relationship?

Original poster

MyBug · 01/04/2021 09:13

@picklemewalnuts he initiates sex about 3 times a week. I have little luck when I try to though.

OP posts:

SparklingStars10 · 01/04/2021 09:30

@MyBug - In that case keep communicating what works for you, some suggest masturbating in front of your partner (if you’re comfortable doing that), so he knows how you like it but it seems you’re showing him and he’s still not responding.
It could just be that you’re not very compatible together. Have a good chat, as communication really is key here and if things don’t change, maybe you’ll have to go your separate ways.

whitespotsgreenleaves · 01/04/2021 09:32

He just sounds selfish. He just sound like he is interested in getting himself off but not you. That's why he is not actually learning anything.
Your pleasure just doesn't do anything for him so he's not that motivated to learn.

OP are you sure he is good guy in other areas? I just ask as I thought my ex was a wonderful loving caring man. I put up with shit sex as he was 'lovely'. Over very many years I came to realise that he was not lovely. He loved how he felt about me and what I gave to him and was affectionate and could be nice when it involved little effort to him. But anything that he found taxing or uncomfortable or conflicted with his interests - he could not do those things.
I can't help thinking that a genuinely caring guy would actually enjoy your pleasure and push past any discomfort at 'inexpertise' to learn.

picklemewalnuts · 01/04/2021 09:32

I'd say no. Turn him down, like he does you. He may get more flexible when he twigs it's not happening on his schedule. I mean, he's got nothing to gain at the moment because he's getting what he wants. Compromise. Stop the boring sex you don't like and see whether he becomes more interested in the unpredictable.

And think very carefully. Don't let this go on too long, unless you are happy to accept it for ever. I thought our sex life would get better when we were less tired/distracted/inhibited by kids etc. It didn't.

GrettaGreen · 01/04/2021 09:43

@MyBug

It is indeed a wonder. Careful use of a bullet, even then it takes an age. 🧐

That is such a bitchy horrid comment to make about your partner, even if it is anonymous and behind his back.

thesunwillout · 01/04/2021 09:45

Your description of the lack of concentration and repeated having to show and tell him makes your entire post make sense.
He can't be bothered.
It's weird.

ScarfaceCwaw · 01/04/2021 09:49

God, even if he were genuinely lovely in every other way, such crap hamfisted sex would just turn me off so profoundly that I couldn't carry on, I think. Everything on his terms and his schedule and focused around his (very boring) pleasure.

Original poster

MyBug · 01/04/2021 10:07

@GrettaGreen it’s not bitchy. I have tried and tried and tried to help him pleasure me. He has been shown exactly what works for me but he won’t/ can’t do it. Should be easy with a bullet shouldn’t it?
Quite hard to get someone off if you won’t use it on their clitoris even though they have repeatedly shown you the perfect spot yet you put it on their thigh or pubic bone as soon as they move their hand away.
But like him trying to have an orgasm without touching or using his penis.

OP posts:

whitespotsgreenleaves · 01/04/2021 10:09

That is such a bitchy horrid comment to make about your partner, even if it is anonymous and behind his back

Yes, because even if you are with someone who makes sure he gets his rocks off three times a week and can't be arsed to learn how to get you off, remember to always be nice and kind about him. Never exasperated or frustrated - even anonymously! - always be kind to your man, ladies, not matter how much of a selfish bastard he is to you. Now smile.

category12 · 01/04/2021 10:11

Well, he doesn't want to learn what pleases you, refuses to take it on board and wants your sex life to be entirely what he wants.

Even if he's great in the rest of the relationship, I'm not sure it's worth it.

CodMouth · 01/04/2021 10:25

You aren’t compatible.

Get with someone who is on the same page sexually and has soundproofing.

RaspberryBubblegum · 01/04/2021 10:32

Can you not do this back to him? Be really bad on purpose to make a point of how frustrating it is? It almost seems as though he's moving it on purpose so you don't climax/get loud. Either way this effort doesn't seem to be worth it.

GrettaGreen · 01/04/2021 10:37

There's expressing yourself and there's being nasty for the sake of it. I'd be gutted if I thought DW said something like that about me to strangers. I'll bow out now and leave yous to it though. Best of luck either way OP.

GrettaGreen · 01/04/2021 10:39

@whitespotsgreenleaves

That is such a bitchy horrid comment to make about your partner, even if it is anonymous and behind his back

As a happily married, quite anti-man lesbian this comment has really tickled me 😂

Original poster

MyBug · 01/04/2021 10:52

@GrettaGreen hardly for the sake of it. Do has been given many opportunities to improve his technique so that sex works well for me as well as him. I am asking for advice and am actually quite ashamed that I have put up with it for this long.

OP posts:

category12 · 01/04/2021 11:17

I don't know how you could put it more nicely to be fair. I'd love Gretta to demonstrate how to say the same facts but in a nicer way.

Stoppissingonmyheather · 01/04/2021 11:21

This is why people live in detached houses

Original poster

MyBug · 01/04/2021 11:25

@RaspberryBubblegum

I have been close many times to asking him he is deliberately not doing what I have asked him to do. I will be far more assertive next time. In fact the chances are I will simply stop the whole shebang and go and do something more productive.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11