I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

[MyBug]

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

if i knew i was annoying someone with say moaning i am not sure it would bother me to try stopping doing it, see how it went

@brainlikepastry I think it's more annoying for the OP because it's in the context of a lot of her other sexual preferences not being met. So this is yet another brick wall/knock back.

I like most of the things you mention too, but receiving oral is a big thing for a lot of women, so if they didn't get that they'd feel the sex was really bad.

I like most of the things you mention too, but receiving oral is a big thing for a lot of women, so if they didn't get that they'd feel the sex was really bad I think you missed the point of what i was saying. They sound sexually incompatible but that doesn't mean he is repressed/conservative/not normal. I missed the bit where the op said she'd asked for oral and he'd refused though - i have personally never met a man who doesn't like oral.

Yep, I get the impression there are probably more details that OP hasn't necessarily gone into, of how he is very restrictive in what he likes sexually etc.

But definitely I prefer to stick to a bedroom as it's more comfortable and I feel I can focus more on the experience. Lots of women do need a lot of foreplay though.

@category12

You think he’s sexually repressed. And are unhappy with your sex life. This is a seperate issue.

I think we can fairly say he is sexually repressed given he doesn't want to try new positions or do it anywhere but the bedroom etc.

@category12 I just want to be absolutely clear on this. You think that if two people don't want to try new positions or try new places (as in actively seek new places for the sake of it) it means they are both repressed???? The fact that they have a great time already, great sex, just, well, having sex, both having orgasms every time, is irrelevant, they are definitely repressed? Or it is just repressed if one person is happy and the other isn't? Does it make a difference if the woman is able to get an orgasm from penetrative sex and so is pretty satisfied with the whole set up?

I think it's pretty repressed to not want to even try a new position, yes.

If you're perfectly happy as a couple just doing missionary or whatever, fair enough, but if your partner fancies trying something different like, I dunno, shock horror, doggy and you act all funky about it then yes, you're pretty uptight.

@me4real

Yep, I get the impression there are probably more details that OP hasn't necessarily gone into, of how he is very restrictive in what he likes sexually etc.

But definitely I prefer to stick to a bedroom as it's more comfortable and I feel I can focus more on the experience. Lots of women do need a lot of foreplay though.

I am with you in relation to beds, I remember trying to do it in a broken down chapel with bits of stone and rubble on the floor when I was late teens thinking it would be romantic. It was not romantic.

When dc were young we tried it on the sofa to keep the noise down. That did not work well either.

@category12

I think it's pretty repressed to not want to even try a new position, yes.

If you're perfectly happy as a couple just doing missionary or whatever, fair enough, but if your partner fancies trying something different like, I dunno, shock horror, doggy and you act all funky about it then yes, you're pretty uptight.

But if neither partner is gagging to try new positions, then that is ok? Not repressed?

Another thing here is that if the OP's partner is in his late forties, most late fortiers will have spent their twenties and thirties trying out new positions, and so will by now have a pretty good idea what does it for them?

And be generally less flexible of limb?

And it depends on your dimensions too - doggy works brilliantly for some people if their partner is about the same height but not if they are much taller than you and that sort of thing.

Let's be clear - it's the acting funky about it that's problematic.

The guy can like what he likes, but it's not OK to make his partner feel like she's outrageous, dirty or shameful for wanting to try new positions or try it on the kitchen table.

That's where the repression comes in.

I agree with that, but I didn't get that from the OP's posts. I thought it was more that she asked to try new things, he said yes, but never did, so didn't want to probably - but wasn't trying to make her feel shameful or anything. I don't think that makes him repressed in all honesty. But they do sound incompatible.

I do however think him kissing her rather than talking to her about noise is a bit off, i would have preferred for him to say something.

@whitespotsgreenleaves

OP, in many regards he sounds like a bog standards sexually selfish man.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many posters here think it is ok for a man to dictate to a woman how she expresses her sexual pleasure. Because that it is not just about the vocalisation but also about the repression of her sexual pleasure. And its shaming. And all that especially in this case where with thick walls of an old house, the bed not adjacent to the party wall, and the wall adjoining the neighbour's stair well, so that the excuse that ' you need to be quiet or the neighbours will hear' is clearly made up nonsense by her partner.

This!

Can't believe all these people think putting your hand over someone's mouth when they are climaxing to shut them up is acceptable!

TBH I think he is clueless about women's sexuality. I know he has slept with a number of women and had long term relationships but I rather suspect it was always a bit lack lustre . To have that much 'experience' and still be clueless speaks volumes. I think he is also aware of his cluelessness.
Of course the issue is that he could read up on it. I have suggested books. He makes all the right noises but nothing changes.

When I finally plucked up the courage to insist that he tend to my needs he really didn't seem to have much of a clue what to do. I then introduced a bullet vibrator and that was much, better but still he needs guiding every single time. Why? It's like he's frightening of failing so doesn't try.
I have even suggested in a jokey way that he takes a good look down there so he knows what he is aiming for. Of course that hasn't happened.
He doesn't like oral, giving or receiving . I have never come across that before and for me that is a real shame, I completely respect that, but it is something I have always loved and has never ever been an issue with previous partners.

Agree. And it's deceitful to do this rather than talking about it. Which further adds to the picture that he is repressed because he is unwilling to talk about it.

Cross post. Was replying to @CatalinaCasesolver

@MyBug If you want to be able to do your thing with making a noise but not be audible to his neighbours when at his, or make him conscious of the possibility, you can try putting something in your mouth if you can tolerate that.

It really sounds like you find him frustrating/annoying in bed tho.

To have that much 'experience' and still be clueless speaks volumes

Indeed. That's because he isn't actually mentally participating in the act. Life's way too short for this OP, I think you're wasting your time.

@Closetbeanmuncher

To have that much 'experience' and still be clueless speaks volumes

Indeed. That's because he isn't actually mentally participating in the act. Life's way too short for this OP, I think you're wasting your time.

Yes- he does seem to 'drift off' at times. I don't think I am going to change him. I just have to work out how the scales are balanced. It's very very difficult.

@Bluntness100

I think two seperate issues. If you’re not sexually compatible then it’s likely to cause issues in the future.

Then there’s the “loud moaning” ? We’ve all had sex and there is no need for it.Most people can enjoy sex without it being something so loud the neighbours could hear. And from what you say the neighbours might be able to hear because you’re that loud.

If making a lot of noise is what you need to get you off, then again this raises a compatibility issue. And to be honest, you’re likely to be incompatible with most people. Maybe you need to find someone who moans as Loudly as you do, and you can both crack on?

'Theres no need for it' tickled me. I'm imagining the voice of my very no nonsense games teacher for some reason.

You've got teens so you CAN have sex quietly. Do the neighbours have children? Do you know, or care? Have some respect ffs. No one wants to be a non consenting voyeur to people's fake moaning.

What is there to moan about anyway? by your own admission he's absolutely shit in bed.

You quote finally after having teens and kids in the house you don’t have to be quiet, so you can be quiet but choose not to at his house.

If he is ‘clueless’ in bed, as you described him, how are you having these amazing orgasms and being so vocal anyway?

@CatalinaCasesolver - He didn’t put his hand over her mouth, he was kissing her passionately.

@SparklingStars10 As OP describes it, he was kind of pretending to kiss her passionately, when in fact he was just using that as a way of trying to shut her up.

Read the thread, read the whole thread then you won’t need to ask questions that have already been answered.

Good luck with decision making around this guy, OP. I imagine he has other qualities.

Not easy.

@MyBug - I have read the thread, you describe him as caring initially but further into your thread you described him as ‘clueless’ and not liking oral etc.

@me4real - One of the posters had mentioned he was putting his hand over her mouth, which is very different to kissing.