Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

he then calls me horrible names or refers to my previous abuse, saying it’s obvious why I was treated like that

For that alone he should never be in the same house as you ever again. that is VILE. Please, please don't ever wonder if he's right. It is never the fault of the abused, always of the abuser.

Please OP start divorce proceedings. And when he comes begging to stay, he didn't mean it, he'll change etc (which he will) - it's only because he wants to get you back in your box where he wants you so that he can carry on abusing you too. Be strong and don't fall for it.

OP I’m so sorry this is happening and agree with others that he should be supporting you to have your sessions not making things more difficult for you and being so awful and abusive towards you.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, he is being very controlling wanting to have things go his way all the time and then kicking off when you disagree with him. If you feel unsafe please call the police and they can remove him from the property.

@RandomMess

Perhaps find a solicitor and start the ball rolling on the divorce. Give you control of the process.

You are one amazing and strong woman 💪

Thanks! This counselling thing is odd. She doesn’t say much, just a few sentences. She’s said I sound angry a lot. I didn’t think I was angry but I think I must be underneath. She says anger isn’t bad but holding it in definitely is. She has also made a few comments about H although I haven’t said much about him so far. When I say things she just says “well what about you? What do YOU think?”

She says I’m not paying attention to me and my feelings. She says that’s quite common with complex trauma. Just block it out and forget about it. Except it doesn’t go away.

He also denied calling me a psychotic fat cunt. He never said it and I can’t prove it
Just came back to the thread for the updates and can’t believe this.
Fuck him! I’m so angry on your behalf OP.

Such a relief the flat is in your name. I really wish you well.

@VeraDonovan

You need to make it clear to your counsellor that you are suffering from Domestic Abuse - she has a duty of care!

Please phone Womens Aid helpline www.womensaid.ie/services/helpline.html

I will tell her what’s happened tonight. Hopefully she can help me work through it so I follow through on him leaving. I just want peace in my life. And I won’t get it with him.

I can't shake the feeling that this man is dangerous. The sort who will say he snapped.
I am worried about you. Is he still in your home?

Yes he’s here but upstairs. He does this every time. He will ignore me now for a few day. Then when he’s calmed down he’ll start talking to me again, like nothing has happened. The only difference this time is I’m not crying and begging him to talk to me. This isn’t the first time he’s said disgusting things to me.

@LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee

He’s sabotaging your therapy. It’s 50 minutes-he can go for a perfectly pleasant walk Isn't that exactly what he said he would do?

OP, I feel like this is just a miscommunication. I wouldn't want to be prevented to WFH because of a private 50min call my husband has, but we would either do what you suggested (you take the call from your car) or what he suggested (he goes out during the call).

It's not a call, it's counselling. Not the same.

"Walking the streets" is a passive aggressive way of saying it, and its loaded with "you're putting me out"

Counselling makes you very vulnerable, particularly if you're bringing up past trauma, and its not simply a matter of sitting your car - you have to feel like you're in a completely safe space.

PADH - yes this is right.

During my last session we talked about my first boyfriend. I left home when I was 15 and moved in with a 19yo lad. He did the following:

1. Raped me repeatedly.
2. Slit my rabbit’s throat.
3. Hid in the house and jumped out to scare me.
4. Cut me off from everyone.
5. Would not let me use the toilet so I wet myself.

When I left he:

1. Stalked me for two years.
2. Bricked my mothers windows every weekend.
3. Smeared dog shit all over the outside of my mother’s house.
4. Kidnapped me from my part time job with a carving knife and kept me in his flat for three days.
5. Shit in my younger brother’s tent.
6. Climbed on the roof of my mother’s house with a firearm.

Plus loads more

So no, I don’t want to talk about this in front of my husband as I don’t trust him with this information.

He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

What was his excuse for being home the next week?

It could be he feels threatened by you having counselling, so is trying to obstruct it.

@MarieDelaere

A person receiving counselling for trauma absolutely needs to feel safe and that includes having privacy.

I feel your DH's choice of words is really stroppy.

Please don't cancel your sessions again. I would honestly rather sit in a car in a car park than be at home stressing about being overheard or interrupted or 'putting someone out'.

I recently had some zoom counselling for chronic pain and that was bad enough, wondering if the neighbours could possibly hear. (Paper walls.) I've now got to negotiate the next stage (CBT) and I really don't want family or neighbours hearing that.

I agree with @MarieDelaere, better to keep to your counselling appointments even if it means sitting in your car. Of course he should be respecting your need for privacy and space but if he isn’t going to comply then your car might not be a bad idea, rather than miss sessions as the continuity is important. Or see if there is a family member who has a quiet space you could use. I’m not saying you should have to fit around him but that a solution to ensure you don’t feel the need to cancel needs to be found. Perhaps he is uncomfortable that he will somehow be part of your discussion and he’s trying to make it tricky for you (either consciously or unconsciously).

Over the last year many of my clients (I’m a CBT therapist) have used their car as a confidential space where no child will burst into the room and no partner will decide that their stationery drawer needs reorganising half way through a session. To be honest I’m quite relieved sometimes because I know they won’t be disturbed in their car which is often not true of sitting in a room in their house. I think so many people really have no idea how much courage it can take to have counselling, how difficult it is to discuss some of the things you’re discussing OP and how tiring it is when you’re on the backfoot about being disturbed or questioned about it. It’s been one of the difficulties of delivering therapy via zoom etc over the last year as obviously confidentiality and safety are our top priority for you. Previously we therapists were working in soundproofed rooms in neutral locations - I’m really looking forward to offering that again.

I hope you find a solution to this and that your counselling is helpful @VeraDonovan. It sounds like you’ve experienced some very difficult things

Basically it’s that he is telling me or letting me know that he comes first and he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. My feelings are irrelevant.

I don’t know why but I feel really exposed in the car.

Of course you can't sit in the car. You need to feel safe and be assured of your privacy. You sound like you are already making significant progress in that you've recognised your h doesn't have your best interests at heart. The way he spoke to you was vile and certainly verbal abuse. I hope he goes ASAP. He'll probably try and crawl back into your good books when he realises he's lost his hold over you. Don't let him.

For myself sat in my car on the drive possibly crying feels very exposed.

Also whenever my ex husband was violent (I knew how to pick them - three abusive men on the trot!) I used to get in the car and leave and I always felt unsafe in there. I suppose I still feel like that.

Caught up with the rest of your posts. Your husband is verbally and emotionally/psychologically abusive.

My gut instinct in any situation is to leave if I feel unhappy or unsafe or uncomfortable in any way. I want to change this so that's why I am having the counselling.

That's a pretty good instinct to have. It took me a while to learn to act on this vital self-care instinct.

Often women who've suffered trauma second-guess themselves and think their responses are wrong. But you are not wrong to want to protect yourself in life- that's healthy, depending how you act of course. The instinct is a good one, what matters is how you act on that good instinct.

At the moment you're in a situation where you risk further psychological harm and damage, and your instinct to end the situation and the risk of it happening again, by separating yourself from that person permanently, would be 100% right.

I had EMDR via video on my laptop by the way, and it worked well. Might be something she could consider if she's trained in EMDR. I also paid for some EMDR provately in the past at times and it was well worth the money.

@me4real

Caught up with the rest of your posts. Your husband is verbally and emotionally/psychologically abusive.

My gut instinct in any situation is to leave if I feel unhappy or unsafe or uncomfortable in any way. I want to change this so that's why I am having the counselling.

That's a pretty good instinct to have. It took me a while to learn to act on this vital self-care instinct.

Often women who've suffered trauma second-guess themselves and think their responses are wrong. But you are not wrong to want to protect yourself in life- that's healthy, depending how you act of course. The instinct is a good one, what matters is how you act on that good instinct.

At the moment you're in a situation where you risk further psychological harm and damage, and your instinct to end the situation and the risk of it happening again, by separating yourself from that person permanently, would be 100% right.

I had EMDR via video on my laptop by the way, and it worked well. Might be something she could consider if she's trained in EMDR. I also paid for some EMDR provately in the past at times and it was well worth the money.

I’m happy to pay for private EMDR if it helps. It took so long to get enough courage to speak to my GP. I felt and still feel that this stuff that happened is boring, that I’m boring, because I can’t get over it. I can’t be healthy and happy. My life is just terrifying. I can’t believe some of the things that happened and it’s like they happened to someone else.

I don’t trust anyone except maybe five people. It’s exhausting waiting for the next horrible thing to happen and I’m so tired.

Your focus on healing gives you an opportunity to focus on what you want and need. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of that when it comes to the therapy situation.

Basically it’s that he is telling me or letting me know that he comes first and he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. My feelings are irrelevant.

You would find the Freedom Programme helpful perhaps (they're doing a lot of courses via video and you can also do the course online) and the associated book Living with the Dominator. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ Also the book 'Why does he do that?' drive.google.com/file/d/0B9k39V5gkNBAQl95bjJpMHlSeDQ/view

He sounds like a classic controlling man.

Sorry to hear you're at such a low ebb. Therapy and EMDR would definitely help. Also your situation will be adding to your stress- even when he's not being nasty, you don't know when it's coming. If you got rid of him you'd feel more relaxed and have more space to concentrate on your healing.

Op, if you have a running away fund could you book a hotel room for your counselling sessions. I know you shouldn’t have to, but it would mean you could keep them up until he leaves

It's the opposite of boring- OMG bunny injuring. It's so awful, it's like something from a film.

I read Why Does He Do That when I left my ex. It was a lightbulb moment for me. I suppose because this isn’t violence, it isn’t rape, it isn’t threats of death, I didn’t see him as abusive. My choices of men are always wrong. And I had maybe four years on my own before I met this one.

Intellectually I know why I’m so messed up inside, but emotionally I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. So today, yes, I overreacted to him infringing on my time. But I overreacted here and not to him. However the way I phrase things is always wrong. And I always get the reaction from him that I wanted to avoid. I hate confrontation and I hate atmospheres. Now I’ve got both.

What happened to you is very traumatic. I understand why you are bored/fed up etc of still "not being over it".

I'm learning about old brain (protects you)/new brain stuff, self compassion, all sorts to overcome my past. I'll send you those links too.

For some reason you have decided at this point in your life "enough", I am determined to be better/free. Perhaps subconsciously you realised your current H is also abusive and hence you asked for the referral?

Just grasp the opportunity with both hands!