New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

I’d have a nice cuppa, write down some places her dh should take them to on the weekend, and when he mentioned it next time I’d say cheerily have you been to x yet? I told her you should take them! Instead of all that gardening, she must get so bored when that’s all you do.
With some looking out for she’s too depressed to leave the house, in case he’s been asking her every day. But there is a good chance he thinks it’s not his job.

The best policy with neighbours is to keep them at arms length. It doesn't half make things easier to deal with if there is ever some form of dispute.

Do you know what her first language is? You could maybe point her in the direction of groups that speak it, which may help her find her feet.

@PuppyMonkey

Could you not just move house OP?

The woman sounds depressed, her husband is clearly desperately trying to help her. Next step: she commits suicide and we all post a nice meme about "always be kind we don't know what other people are going through". Except we do, we just don't care.

WTAF? OP is not responsible for her neighbour's mental health. I had children in a new area and it is hard, but at the end of the day it was mine and DH's choice to do this, he needs to step up and help his wife find groups and learn the language.

I would be reluctant too OP, I am quite introverted and would manage one akward cuppa, but it probably will be expected to become a regular thing.

In all honesty, how is the OP to have a cuppa and a chat to a person who doesn't speak the same language? They can't even smile and nod over both their kids playing together as OP doesn't have kids. They have absoutely nothing in common and no way to communicate. It's a total non starter.

The husband will have a phone, and google, he needs to get on it and find a language based community group, and baby/mums group for his wife rather than lazily pushing her onto the nearest woman-looking-person nearby.

I understand you completely. Some people are introverts and don't enjoy socialising.

I would go over for a cup of tea/similar or invite her over for yours. It doesnt mean that you have to be over every day - you can control your boundaries. But its nice to be nice. If you have any friends with children etc you can ask them.

And this:
"Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?"

Well, I agree with this when it comes to putting yourself in danger etc. But the fact is, its good to be kind and friendly sometimes. I dont think the solution to the worlds problems is for women to start behaving more like men do (actually more the opposite.)

I’d have them in for the cuppa and a chat, precisely to passively aggressively suggest all the things HE should be researching himself!

“It’ll be great for you to connect with some local Mums with babies, I’m sure Mike can phone the HV to enquire, if you phone the surgery Mike they’ll have the details”

“How are you finding the UK Mandy? Yes it’s a tricky language, I’m sure Mike could call the college and ask about language courses and hopefully they’ll have a crèche”

As much as I feel for her this is NOT your responsibility. Neighbourly chatting can often lead to strong friendships but you can’t engineer it.

I imagine also its been a lot harder than it normally would be, given that they moved in when a lot of the regular stuff (mums and babies groups etc) were either closed because of lockdown or had much more social constraints - facemasks etc than normal.

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

Exactly. Why is it Op's responsibility to be kind and manage random stranger's loneliness just because she lives next door? It's a bit weird, personally I wouldn't be comfortable with it and would just politely say sorry, I am busy over and over again.

If you have the time, and you don't mind then go over for a cup of tea and a chat, but you shouldn't feel pressured in to it if you don't want to!

@SooziQue

The woman sounds depressed, her husband is clearly desperately trying to help her. Next step: she commits suicide and we all post a nice meme about "always be kind we don't know what other people are going through". Except we do, we just don't care.

If the husband is desperately trying to help her he will be doing a lot more than asking the nearest female to have a cup Of tea with her.

The bar is so low for men. This reads like the 1950s - poor clueless man, has a busy life and lots of hobbies, but wife is miserable and lonely. Look for the nearest woman to fix it. Poor bloke, he has really done everything he possible could.

I would be reluctant too.As you say, one cuppa probably isn't where it ends.
You've already been kind by as politely as possible indicating how busy you are and it hasn't got you anywhere.
Knowing that you can comfortably say no further down the line if you aren't clicking makes it easier to say yes. But it doesn't sound like this will be the case.

@Onlinedilema

How come women don't do this only men. Has anyone on here ever approached a relative stranger and repeatedly asked them to make friends with their husband and told them to invite their husband round for a drink? Anyone? On top of that has anyone on here then told the relative stranger that: A) their husband does not speak the language B) they will be bringing a baby with them even though your husband does not have any children.

Hands up now who has done this?

I have asked for my OH when ow ent abroad fora stint. It was a foreign country for both of us but at least I had interactions through work.

In that country, I went over to my neighbour’s house once to sort something regarding our gardens. She invited me in for a cup of coffee, gave me some local sweets. And when I mentioned thee sweets were delicious, she gave me a full box as I left.

In another country we moved to, my neighbour invited us for lunch, welcoming us into the area

Just have the cup of tea in a neighbourly manner without making assumptions about ypu being earmarked as best friend material. Did it occur to you at all that she may not like you (aside from your views on her)?

And I don’t get what you Emma that it is her husbands responsibility. How and what? He can’t suddenly become a female and an ink own.

Sometimes we just need to meet someone new in a relatively safe way. That’s all he is trying to arrange. She is probably sick of his face and wants to meet someone new

Please don't feel pressured to have a forced friendship. You won't be happy in the long run and it will all be based on lies. The husband must look online himself for friendship and community groups. I don't know how he can assume you would make great friends when he knows nothing about you.

This is a difficult one but I was in a similar position a few years back while I was in the final couple of years of employment and gradually becoming disabled myself.

I performed a favour for an elderly neighbour and got suckered in to being her "friend" and confidente when we had nothing at all in common. As well as doing all kinds of little tasks for her (shopping etc with no car) she took to coming round 2/3 times a week when she found I was wah for 2/3 days a week. Oh god, she would burble on for hours. No a quick cup of tea/coffee. And when I finally managed to get rid my work that I should have done that afternoon was still there!

Eventually I began to ration her visits, tell her I had to spend more time working at the uni, and not to come without phoning first. This was before smartass phones so I often never answered when I saw her number. I thought it was better to disengage gradually so she could begin to make friends elsewhere/get her claws into someone else. All this time she had a car owning son living with her who was somehow incapable of doing anything for her. Counterpart of the husband OP mentions.

Eventually things came to a head when my nephew told her to bugger off and that was that.

I am older myself now so have developed the habits of selective deafness and short sightedness which enables me to avoid most of my neighbours. I run an online company - counterpart of the OPs busy life - so I just dont want other people under my feet sucking the life out of me.

Sorry for the typos. 😃this is such a depressing thread. What is the big deal about having a. Coffee with a. Neighbour?

Talk about acting precious!

Our neighbour is old and we happily help out. It doesn’t cross our mind that we are doing her a favour. It is just part of living in a community

how is the OP to have a cuppa and a chat to a person who doesn't speak the same language?

It's perfectly possible. I had quite a good friendship years ago with the Mum of a friend of DS's at primary school who was a refugee from an African country and spoke no English at all.

I appreciated a cups of coffee with my neighbours when I was new in country, one neighbour was particularly nice and would watch dd in her pram whilst I went to the laundry room (2 floors down so not easy with a baby) he spent his days sitting on the shared balcony with his pet.

Doesn't mean it needs to be regular but it may give her confidence to go out. Might also be helpful to look up local parent and baby groups for them, they start back from next month, if they aren't British they might not realise what is going on in the area. Being friendly costs nothing.

And IF it becomes too much, then do something about it. But how is welcoming your neighbour with a cup of coffee an imposition?

So much drama about nothing...it probably takes longer to write and read this thread than pop over for a brew

No wonder the Brits have a reputation for unfriendliness.

@SooziQue

They are legal from Monday for up to 15 adults plus children. We run one, back mid April

Noo. Look if she goes round you think the husband isn't going to be like she really enjoyed your company and looking forward to hanging out again. When can you go round again. That could happen. If she had kids too that would make more sense but as she said she's busy and doesn't wnat too.