New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

If English is t her first language could you look up and see of you have a local, multicultural group for her? We live in the arse sticks of nowhere and even we have one. We've been doing all sorts over zoom during lockdown and have lots of meet ups planned

Just do what you'd usually do. It's nice that your willing to go have a cuppa, but your worlds are extremely different and to the husband to expect you to forge a friendship when you have nothing in common including language is a bit much. He should be encouraging his wife to go out, taking her to baby groups not pass the burden onto you.

Wow. You aren’t “friendly” at all, what on earth makes you think you are?

OP,
You are wary and I can understand.

You don't know your neighbours and her husband is pushing for something that doesn't suit you.

I would be wary of anyone imposing on my on my doorstep.

He's looking to solve HIS problem by trying to impose on you.

If you are childless and busy I can well imagine you are wary.

He needs to contact his local health visitor, community centre etc.

When it comes to a person's home I don't believe they should feel obligated to become involved with their neighbours if they don't wish to.

If English is t her first language could you look up and see of you have a local, multicultural group for her?

🤣 Seriously? Why is this OPs job as a neighbour? Her husband should be helping her not OP.

I’d feel exactly the same OP - I have a busy life and I’d be very wary of setting any kind of precedent. But as you say, it could be just as hard making constant excuses, and of course it’s sad to think of her bing lonely.
Are any of your dog walking routes buggy friendly? Could you invite her on a walk with you? That way it wouldn’t take up any additional time, and it sounds like it would be good for her to get out too.

@olympicsrock

Be kind - it wouldn’t hurt to have a cup of tea and a chat. I think you are being a little weird about this. It would be very normal to welcome a new neighbour. As least then you can wave and smile.

I would also do this.

This speaks volumes. She is new lonely and her next door neighbour can't face having a cup of tea with her. All this shit about how we should help each other out and be kind. Op you don't have to become this womans bestie. You could just be neighbourly and empathetic and have a cup of tea with her.

I would agree to have the cup of tea with her and give her a list of baby groups in the area, although they’re capable of this themselves. I’d also mention in passing to the husband about her doing a language course to help with any language barriers. It sounds like she’s in a very difficult position. Although he shouldn’t be putting his wife’s loneliness on you.

I agree this is not your problem to solve.

He is being lazy - just because you are female you have to be her friend? A woman would never accost a male neighbour and tell him he has to be friends with her husband!

He needs to look into what is available in the area - not put the burden of his wife’s isolation on to you. There are probably much better options that would be a huge help to her as a new parent and as a non English speaker. I really do feel for her, it must be really difficult.

I would worry about even going once - will he then pester and pester for more and more?

Of course be polite, smile and chat if you see her out and about but you don’t have to be her friend.

It would be be kind and neighbourly to go round and have a cup of tea with her. She's lonely, doesn't speak the language very well and her husband is reaching out to you on her behalf. If you feel comfortable ignoring that, then fine, but I wouldn't.

I don't think it has to be your problem, but in the name of being helpful. I'd probably go, try to help her with local contacts, not stay long and be clear I'm busy and not free all that much.

If other people aren't our responsibility then why do we all want an NHS, why do we have a benefits system, why do we donate to fundraisers?
You've got the opportunity to make the world a better place op. I can't imagine knowing someone right there in front of me was miserable and not trying to do something for them.

No God forbid anyone should go 'out of their way' for anyone else ... especially if they are foreign and don't speak the Queen's English.

And there's a lot of assumptions here that one or two visits would become a permanent "expectation" . Or that she would come to depend on you. Neither of those assumptions are necessarily true at all! Give the woman some credit for heaven's sake! You might learn something from her.

(And dare I say I detect a whiff of derision on this thread for someone "unfortunate" enough to be dependent on a man having just had a baby in a foreign country? ).

Totally depressing.

Its not really hard to check in on someone occasionally!

I'd rather spend the half hour researching mother and toddler groups rather than having tea with someone I have nothing in common with and don't have the time or desire to build a closer friendship with.

I'd scribble down a few options and next time he asks reply with "Oh yes I've been thinking about what you said. I'm really busy with wfh and the animals, but here's the number for a few local mother and toddler groups, that might be really helpful for your DW to build up her social circle. Byeee"

That way you never get asked again, but have provided a legitimate solution to the problem.

If I was worried about how my partner was coping with our child, I wouldn't be harassing neighbours. I would be talking to my partner to find out what they need and googling for ideas if not sure.

If I'm going to talk to the neighbours, it would be hi, new to the area, not coping, any suggestions? That would be more useful to his wife.

He could take her out places.

Maybe suggest he contacts the HV or GP if he's concerned about her mental wellbeing.

I know my post sounds harsh - but this helpless male thing really annoys me.

He could and should be doing a lot more to help his wife- not just picking the nearest female to do it for him.

@Chloemol

Ok put yourself in her shoes, you have moved abroad, got a small child, don’t speak the language well, and are stuck in the house. How would you feel if a neighbour ignored you? Most people talk to at least one of their neighbours

Be kind, go for a cup of tea in the garden, you can discuss the area with her, tell her what’s about, etc etc

A bit difficult if she doesn't speak English. What language does she speak?

I would extend the hand of friendship and maybe rope in other neighbours (if I knew any), just not make it a regular thing.

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

This!

Why isn't he taking her and his child out walking instead of running? Why doesn't he encourage her to go into the garden with him? If you keep seeing him out and about them my fee!ing is its his wife and build-up how about he does something with them!!!!
I would just say to him next time he mentions it "Oh why isn't she here with you now?" He can't say she doesn't
like it out side as that is what he is expecting you to do, be out side with her.
If you don't want to sit in her garden then dont. I have never gone round to sit in my neighbours garden in the cold, drinking tea.
Make it clear to him op, you aren't up for it.

This actually reminds me of two friends of mine who live on the same street. The husband of the woman opposite came over a berated them for not including his wife in their social life.

They have been friends since they were four. They have met this woman a handful of times.

Very odd.

It would be a kind thing to do to have a coffee with her in the garden.

Go to hers so you can leave when you want.

Doesn't mean you have to have a full on friendship.

I think the occasional neighbourly coffee and chat is fine. It's lovely to be on good terms with your neighbours.

@AlTempleton

This is "Mumsnet"

You don't have children.........

How on earth would you possibly understand how this poor woman might be feeling??

Would it hurt to be nice and go and see her and signpost her to the right places - bit of local research

One day you might need someone to be kind to you - please think about how they might be feeling