New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

[quote Pricklypear12]@etinox "No advice, it’s really hard forging a friendship if you don’t share a language. Hopefully once playgroups etc. start up she’ll find her tribe."

Tribe? Erm pardon? [/quote]
Yes - people she gets along with. Could be a crochet group or a ramblers association or the local socialist workers party campaign group but people with whom she would have shared interests rather than Op attempting to generate a friendship based on nothing more than having a similar taste in houses (to her husband possible)

Cross posts with others. Yes it's his wife and child. He sounds a bit shit to be fair.

[quote tiredmum2468]@AlTempleton

This is "Mumsnet"

You don't have children.........

How on earth would you possibly understand how this poor woman might be feeling??

Would it hurt to be nice and go and see her and signpost her to the right places - bit of local research

One day you might need someone to be kind to you - please think about how they might be feeling [/quote]
But that’s not her responsibility and she is under no obligation to do that. The neighbours husband could do that just as easily.

He’s looking around for a woman to fix his wife for him.

So many people here lacking empathy for the new next door neighbour. She's not asking to be your bestie, in fact you've never had coffee with her so you have no idea of her expectations. You could be pleasant and still keep your distance. What's the worst thing that can happen if you had coffee with her? She might not like you anyway.

This is my worst nightmare. You don't know this woman. It's not your responsibility to help her loneliness nor is it to take a handful of leaflets and information round to her house about baby groups! I find the comments like that in the thread really weird. 'Being kind' is saying hello and having a neighbourly chat when you see her in the street, it's not becoming her social organiser!

It's not hard to have a cup of tea once with your lonely neighbour.

Google Homestart for your area and maybe contact them on her behalf. I used to volunteer for them and visited lots of people who were new to the area (and were foreign).
I also speak as someone who is now in a similar situation myself. It's very hard as a foreigner and just not 'knowing' how to do things in a new place.
Sure, I agree with the above that the husband needs to do more, but he is clearly not very good at it so I wouldn't leave a fellow human to deal with stuff alone just because someone else should be sorting it. That's just unkind.

But the Op doesn’t have to ‘be kind’ if she doesn’t feel like it.

Another neighbour who has the time and inclination can ‘be kind’ instead.

She’s asking for advice on how to shake the husband off. She isn’t asking if she should make friends with the wife. Why are you all derailing her thread with ‘be kind’ messages?

Her husband could help her and look further than his nose and the first vagina he sees to solve his problem.

He could check out local services.
He could go walking with his wife rather going out on his own constantly...

...And the tribe remark is accurate and how people do describe meeting those you share common interests with.

In her case, mother and baby groups would be very helpful for this stage in her life.

That's actually a fair point @Mmn654123.

No she doesn't have to be kind.
She needs to step up then and tell the husband that she doesn't have to nor does she want to meet with his wife. That is the best thing to do instead of this bullshit, beating about the bush. She doesn't want to. She needs to own it.

@LoveDrunk

If English is t her first language could you look up and see of you have a local, multicultural group for her?

🤣 Seriously? Why is this OPs job as a neighbour? Her husband should be helping her not OP.

But the husband is trying to help her (albeit in a bit misguided in this case and slightly forceful way) by trying to link her in with a seemingly friendly neighbour.

OP, I am an introvert and would feel the same as you but I must say, reading your post has felt like holding a mirror up to my own attitude and it does read quite harshly.

I think a cup if tea wouldn't hurt where you use that opportunity to set clear boundaries (in a kind way) and just signpost/give her ideas of how to get herself out there like others have said.

I definitely know how you feel though, but I do think inconveniencing yourself to have a cup of tea could make the world of difference to how this woman feels about being in a foreign country. What about your other neighbours? Sorry if you've missed it but perhaps orher neighbours could take the pressure of you.

*Sorry if I've missed it

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?!

Exactly. In case you haven't got the message yet OP, BE KIND, you have a vagina, it is your duty .

Bet he wouldn't even have asked if you had a penis.

How come women don't do this only men. Has anyone on here ever approached a relative stranger and repeatedly asked them to make friends with their husband and told them to invite their husband round for a drink? Anyone? On top of that has anyone on here then told the relative stranger that:
A) their husband does not speak the language
B) they will be bringing a baby with them even though your husband does not have any children.

Hands up now who has done this?

Mentioning Homestart is an excellent idea.

How unkind people are. I don’t like people much (!) but I could suffer a quick tea/coffee with a new neighbour. It doesn’t have to become a habit - just a one-off. Some posters seem so spiteful and belligerently “why should I ?” about just about anything.

I would do this regardless of whether the husband asked or not. I also wouldn't be bothered if she turned me down for a cup of tea and cake.

I know how lonely it is when you live away from home with a new baby and add to that English not being your first language and living in a pandemic with no access to groups, it must be very isolating.

In this situation, I think possibly her husband could be worried about her. I certainly don't think he's passing over the responsibility of caring about his wife over to a woman!

It's not unkind. How come the husband isn't googling mother and baby groups etc

Well this thread got weird

My own husband sees the male neighbour out and about as much as I do and he's not been invited round for tea or anything. It's just me. The husband seems to have a very full life - working, running, gardening etc so perhaps that's why my husband hasn't had an invite.

But anyway, it's been suggested I can't possibly understand how she feels because I don't have my own children. Which of course is correct because I have a cold dead heart 😂 (and not because I couldn't have my own children of course - just to point out I'm child less, not child free). Actually it's utter nonsense. Just because I don't have children doesn't mean I can't understand someone else's life.

Anyway, I think the best approach would be to invite both her and her husband round to my garden for tea and cake with me and my husband at a weekend. I can't actually visit her during the week when her husband is working anyway because I also work full time. This way, we've done the friendly neighbourly thing by socialising with them both and they'll know they can always count on us should they both need something in future.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll step out now before anyone else accuses me of being unfriendly, responsible for my neighbour's future suicide or of being a childless unfeeling woman who shouldn't be on mumsnet anyway.

PS those of you telling me to be kind - how about extending that to me too?

Again, be kind only seems to apply to females.

This thread is fascinating, the be kind message by the woman who then makes a dig about having no kids but being on mumsnet😂.

Women are always pushed into being nice and kind, poor useless man can’t look up baby and toddler groups, but anyone with a vagina can and should.

As I said up thread, if a woman came on here and said her husband was a stay at home dad with limited english who was feeling lonely and she had asked her busy male neighbour who has no children and a full time job to come and socialise with him, people would not be berating that man for politely declining. It’s tough making conversation with strangers at the best of times for many people, even without a language barrier.

@AlTempleton

Well this thread got weird

My own husband sees the male neighbour out and about as much as I do and he's not been invited round for tea or anything. It's just me. The husband seems to have a very full life - working, running, gardening etc so perhaps that's why my husband hasn't had an invite.

But anyway, it's been suggested I can't possibly understand how she feels because I don't have my own children. Which of course is correct because I have a cold dead heart 😂 (and not because I couldn't have my own children of course - just to point out I'm child less, not child free). Actually it's utter nonsense. Just because I don't have children doesn't mean I can't understand someone else's life.

Anyway, I think the best approach would be to invite both her and her husband round to my garden for tea and cake with me and my husband at a weekend. I can't actually visit her during the week when her husband is working anyway because I also work full time. This way, we've done the friendly neighbourly thing by socialising with them both and they'll know they can always count on us should they both need something in future.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll step out now before anyone else accuses me of being unfriendly, responsible for my neighbour's future suicide or of being a childless unfeeling woman who shouldn't be on mumsnet anyway.

PS those of you telling me to be kind - how about extending that to me too?

That sounds like a great idea! Have fun!

This says it all, we are all busy but she might become a genuine friend

Could you not just move house OP?

@SooziQue

The woman sounds depressed, her husband is clearly desperately trying to help her. Next step: she commits suicide and we all post a nice meme about "always be kind we don't know what other people are going through". Except we do, we just don't care.

Perhaps the husband should so something about it, rather than delegating his family issue to the nearest female human. This is his wife.

This really is a case of some men seeing women as one singular unit of available labour and attempting to assign work.

I think it's sexist and very irritating

Inviting them both round on a weekend is neighbourly but expecting OP to take her under her wing because they are both women is regressive sexist bullshit. They do seem very unlikely to have anything in common. If they were both SAHMs as possibly the male neighbour is assuming at least that would be a start or they both enjoyed gardening or running but expecting two women to get in just because they are women is bullshit.

It would be welcoming to meet for a cuppa when you have time but how about suggesting to the DH that they join Nextdoor where the husband can ask about suitable groups nor ask if there are any parents around who would be up for a chat/walk?