New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

I assume the neighbour knows you work. It would be different if you were at home all day with little to do and actually had time to sit in the garden chatting to neighbours. Also how much of a chat are you supposed to have if the woman doesn't have good English? It would be very awkward. Her husband, or indeed the woman herself, needs to look into classes for her. I'm sure there are some available online to enable her to learn English. Once she has a better understanding of the language she should look into baby/toddler groups in the area. You could give these suggestions and then it's up to her and the Dh to find suitable groups for her, definitely not up to you to do that for them.

Your idea to have a cup of tea with both of them sounds good and at least you will get a feel of what the woman is like and if she would be a person you would actually choose as a friend, as opposed to having her Dh forcing a friendship. You could make suggestions about classes then, give them a sense of how busy you actually are so that he's not pushing you to meet his wife on a regular basis.

@Mistystar99

Why is it always women who have to be kind and friendly when they don't want to be?! Her husband needs do something about his wife's loneliness other than delegate tasks out to women he doesn't even know. Instead of gardening and running and bossing you about, why doesn't he take his wife out himself a bit?

This! ^

OMG it fucks me off so BAD that women are always expected to be KIND, and passive, and take any fucking shit dealt at them.

It's a shame that this woman is lonely, but it's not some random new neighbour's responsibility to do anything about it!

She may come from a culture where neighbours are super friendly and in and out of each other's homes, but not all cultures and neighbourhoods are like that.

And this BE KIND narrative, really REALLLLLY fucks me off. it's so patronising, demeaning, and infantilising, and is almost ALWAYS aimed at women. WOMEN. It's WOMEN who are expected to BE KIND.

Fuck.

OFF!

@AlTempleton You really need to nip this in the bud, and be strong (not easy I know,) and say 'I won't be popping around anytime soon, as I have a very busy lifestyle, and simply won't have time. May you or your wife can look into some parent and baby groups nearby...'?

Shame you can't just say 'sorry, but I'm not popping around to sort out your WIFE'S loneliness.' But that is a bit hostile I think. Just keep him - and her at arm's length, until he gets bored asking.

Maybe just MAYBE you will get to chat to her in the late Spring/early summer (when we are all out a bit more,) and become a friend to her, but if that happens, it will be on YOUR terms, and not HIS!

Maybe you and your wife can look.....

This thread is weird.

I bet people would have no problem with neighbours accepting their parcels if they were out...

But what if everyone said, oh no. I won’t do that. Give an inch and they will take a mile. If I accept one parcel they will expect me to be home all day accepting parcels. So I’ll just refuse from the start.

You know, it is just an excuse to be unfriendly and unkind. Surely as an adult you can draw the line if and when you need to? I imagine that she may not have much in common with you either, t it might just help her take the first step to start mixing with others

Ok put yourself in her shoes, you have moved abroad, got a small child, don’t speak the language well, and are stuck in the house. How would you feel if a neighbour ignored you? Most people talk to at least one of their neighbours

How is any of this OP’s problem?

Neighbour’s husband should be learning about the local area to tell his wife about. He should be going with her to groups and all that crap. Why is his time more valuable than OP’s?

The only time I speak to my neighbours is if they come to collect parcels from us, occasionally we exchange pleasantries if we happen to be outside at the same time. I wouldn’t ever consider inviting them round for tea.

Why are women just expected to smile nicely and do someone’s bidding just to be polite? What request from the neighbour is incredibly rude and presumptive.

OP, just shut it down. Next time he asks, just say “actually, no, that’s not going to work for me” Don’t apologise or give vague maybes, just shut it down.

The responses on here make me really sad. No, it’s not OP’s ‘responsibility’ but what’s wrong with being neighbourly? It’s a terrible time to try and make new friends organically. Add to that not speaking the language very well and having a new baby, the poor woman’s probably demented! You say you have dogs OP, could you knock the door and ask if she wants to go for a walk with you with baby in carrier/pushchair? I see that you don’t want to trouble yourself with her, but I just think if the shoe was on the other foot or it was your sister/friend, wouldn’t you want someone to make a little effort? There’s a lot to be said for community and the kindness of strangers. It’s a dying art these days, people are so self-involved 😞

OP - your lifestyle sounds like mine. I mostly meet my friends to go walking, or horse riding - that is how we met, doing activities. I wouldn't really meet a friend for tea unless they were an old friend/family member.

You don't have to, but if you want to be nice you could ask if she wants to join you on a dog walk/go for a run? It would get her out the house and may be more enjoyable for you, especially as there would not be a baby tagging along. I bet she would love a break from the baby.

As someone with a really stressful, full on job this would be my nightmare. At work everyone wants a piece of me, it’s constant. And to be honest I do find I am expected to look after my staff and mummy them. Male directors aren’t expected to half the shit my team expect from me.

If I came to a neighbour constantly nagging me to make friends with his wife I might just explode. Home is down time, no obligations no to do lists.

This never happens to men.

It sounds like coffee would be as awkward as heck, if the woman didn't even say a word while being introduced. Sure, I have sympathy for someone in that situation, but she needs to get down to learning enough to communicate - it's what you do if you end up in a foreign country, with or without kids. Mother and baby groups would also work for someone who couldn't communicate confidently, but staring at each other in awkward silence over coffee is hardly going to help.

Jesus! From be kind to you'll be responsible for her mental health in so few posts!

OP all you can do is what you are comfortable with. Just because her husband decided you were close enough to be her support female doesn't mean you have to oblige. You need not feel any guilt over not wanting to fulfil his 'request'.

It is notable woman thing only. My husband helps our elderly neighbour a lot. Far more than me.

It is called being neighbourly. If you don’t want to meet fine. But recognise it for what it is, without excusing it or blaming them for being needy. They are not, they are asking for kindness. And you can refuse

When new neighbours move in I post a card through the door welcoming them, telling them my name and a contact telephone number in case they need something. I smile and speak if we happen to be outside at same time. I take in parcels for them. I have lived in same house for 40 years( working full time) many changes in neighbours over this time and NEVER been in neighbour's home and do not want to go round for a cup of tea or anything else. I have no wish to be friends with neighbours. In an emergency I would always help but for the rest of the time I keep to myself.

I would meet her once for a cuppa just to be friendly. There's no need to commit more than that. Although it's not an obligation, you know now that she's lonely, and it might make a difference to be a friendly face locally, even if it is unlikely to develop into a friendship. She may have very little English, but even short conversations will boost her confidence a bit and might make her more likely to join baby groups.

It's tricky because I get how you don't want to seem un-neighbourly but also you should not made to feel pressured to form a friendship and provide companionship to a total stranger. It's great when neighbours become good friends, but that normally happens over time and gradually I think. Definitely shouldn't be forced.

My only advise would be to do what feels right for you. If you think you can spare time for a cup of tea then do it, (but I appreciate it will be hard to say no afterwards) if not, well then just keep saying you are busy until they take the hint. If that makes you un-neighbourly, that's entirely on them.

I do however think we'd make good neighbours 😂

@UntamedWisteria

how is the OP to have a cuppa and a chat to a person who doesn't speak the same language?

It's perfectly possible. I had quite a good friendship years ago with the Mum of a friend of DS's at primary school who was a refugee from an African country and spoke no English at all.

Right, but you still had children (who were friends) in common.

OP has absolutely zero in common with this poor other woman. They can't even smile and nod over their kids playing. They have nothing, zero, zilch in common, other than both having 2 x chromosomes.

Surely as an adult you can draw the line if and when you need to?

She wants to draw the line at not doing it. As an adult she is allowed to choose not to undertake an obligation being put on her by someone else, and she isn’t being rude or unkind to say no.

[quote Pricklypear12]@etinox "No advice, it’s really hard forging a friendship if you don’t share a language. Hopefully once playgroups etc. start up she’ll find her tribe."

Tribe? Erm pardon? [/quote]
Talk about looking for non-reasons to take offence.

OP, your solution sounds like a good one. All four of you meet, make pleasant conversation for half an hour, job done.

But the husband is trying to help her (albeit in a bit misguided in this case and slightly forceful way) by trying to link her in with a seemingly friendly neighbour.

No, he’s trying to get out of having to do anything to actually help by passing it to someone else to sort out. Then he can live his life whilst another woman does the hard part. He’s a cheeky fucker.

Mumsnet at it’s craziest.

The woman sounds depressed, her husband is clearly desperately trying to help her well his 'desperate' search for help appears to extend no further than making her his (female) neighbour's responsibility. There are many, many avenues he and his wife could explore for new mums, that would be much more appropriate than a neighbour who works full time and has no kids. No one would ask or expect this of a man, it's always women who are expected to "be kind" which translates as "put your own needs second".

Some of the comments on here are a bit much. The OP and the lady next door lead very different lives. Sure there's nothing wrong with having a chat or cuppa in the garden but the lady will be limited about having this chat if her english is limited. Maybe the wife isn't too keen on the husband's suggestions either? Keep it friendly and light, OP, but it's likely she'll be needing some mum and baby groups and EFL classes to help her along.

So many sound patronising...I wonder if they have lived abroad? May be living in different countries makes you realise that often you are the foreigner who doesn’t speak the language. And one tends to remember the kindness of perfect strangers who spontaneously reached out.

OP, honestly, if you are so grudging about it, don’t do it. She is probably better off on her own than feeling patronised by someone who has no interest in meeting a neighbour who is new and from a different culture.

but what’s wrong with being neighbourly?

What’s wrong with not having time to babysit your neighbour’s wife because he has moved her to a place where she knows nobody and doesn’t speak the language?

What has the OP’s neighbour done to “be neighbourly”?

And one tends to remember the kindness of perfect strangers who spontaneously reached out.

Which is not what is happening here.

“ babysit your neighbours wife...she doesn’t speak the language”

Nice. Little England at its finest

I think anytime anyone creates pressure on your doorstep it feels exhausting because your home is the one place you should be able to escape from external pressures for a time. I would find the pressure from the husband abit disconcerting one visit is not going to resolve his wife’s loneliness it is just going to create the need for another visit. But I am a very big fan on keeping neighbours at arms length. If the wife has general loneliness then that will be helped by time and starting to attend baby groups etc which you wouldn’t be going to anyway. If his wife has more profound depression etc that will better be helped by the GP. If he wants someone to keep an eye on his wife because he is that worried about her, then he needs to enlist more help than his neighbour.