New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@Chloemol

Ok put yourself in her shoes, you have moved abroad, got a small child, don’t speak the language well, and are stuck in the house. How would you feel if a neighbour ignored you? Most people talk to at least one of their neighbours

Be kind, go for a cup of tea in the garden, you can discuss the area with her, tell her what’s about, etc etc

Exactly this^. Having been on the other side, a Brit expat abroad with a new baby, with a partner who travelled all the time, it made the world of difference to me that my neighbour was just friendly and said hello and stopped to chat occasionally. I didn't want anything from her, and I certainly wasn't depending on her to sort out my life for me!

She occasionally gave me bits of advice like where the local food market was located and how to cook a local ingredient, and she introduced me to other neighbours, and that was that. And it was never necessary, but I felt content knowing that there was someone there I knew in case of an emergency and vice versa.

We all have busy lives but a bit of kindness goes a long way. And if you don't know about baby groups etc that's fair enough but you could point her to the local library. It must be really hard for her to try and integrate during a pandemic.

I would feel very annoyed that her husband is putting all this responsibility and guilt on to you. Cheeky fuckery.
However, what if she is really low? So you might have a nice cuppa together and that could help her. But then as you say, it could set a precedent...

But yanbu to feel as you do OP. This is a perfect example of males delegating this type of thing to other females.

@SooziQue

Also why are we talking like baby groups and in person meetings and opportunities to make friends are... legal?

Meeting outside for a cup of coffee is legal in England from tomorrow.

Round here, the mum and baby groups are all.happening via Zoom. You must know someone locally with a baby or small child who could pass on info about that, although I appreciate Zoom is a challenge if there's a language barrier.

I do think a cup of tea would be a nice start... after all you might need your neighbours one day, even if it's just taking in parcels. It's good to have at least a surface level friendship.

However, I totally get why you're not interested in anything more. You have nothing in common, very different lifestyles, and I'm afraid if her English is poor, maintaining conversation will be even harder. Small talk is mind numbing at the best of times, but when you can't use idioms or colloquialisms to liven it up, it can be exhausting.

Hopefully after a 20min cuppa, you can make your excuses, and she'll tell him that there's unlikely to be a close bond there, so he should stop asking.

It's a sad situation for her but it's not your responsibility ultimately. I think I'd tell him you're really busy at the moment and as you don't have kids yourself you're not well placed to know about playgroups etc. It's not your job to research this for them. You could point him to the Mush app, it's good for making local mum friends which it sounds like she needs, post-Covid restrictions anyway. I used it when I had a new baby and am still in touch with some women from it.

Maybe pop round for a cup of tea and a biscuit once restrictions are lifted and just have a little chat. You might be surprised!

Just because the person doesn't speak your language as their first language doesn't mean they're beyond human interaction.

It's not that you don't want to, it's that you genuinely don't have time! And if you have time to sit in the garden with a cuppa, I imagine you'll prioritise your friends.

I really like our "new" neighbours (they moved in a year or two ago). I really meant it when I suggested we go for coffee, but even though I want to - I just hadn't had a free couple of hours* to suggest it.

*yes, yes - I say this as I'm spending time dicking about on mums net. Gonna get up and do some work now!

Not your responsibility.

If you had small children I’d say pass on some groups info, but you don’t, and he wouldn’t be asking this of you if you weren’t female.

I feel for her, it must be a horribly lonely time, but that’s not on you in your circumstances.

@SooziQue

The woman sounds depressed, her husband is clearly desperately trying to help her. Next step: she commits suicide and we all post a nice meme about "always be kind we don't know what other people are going through". Except we do, we just don't care.

What a horrible comment why don't you use your own statement and be kind. It is not OPs responsibility.

As someone who is a bit of an introvert with a busy lifestyle (full time working with two children) I would not want to do this either. For me personally my free time is to spend with my children. I have a friend who is quite demanding and I agree one coffee leads to them trying to make more and more plans. I would obviously be polite but just say you are very busy with work/activities.

I feel for the lady it's probably a lot harder because of lockdown but it's her DH responsibility not OPs.

Wow it’s a cup of tea, for the sake of twenty minutes of your time. This makes me so sad that people feel so ‘put upon’ with such a small kindness.

It’s a cup of tea. It won’t necessarily end with you wiping her bum when she’s 90.

I would certainly have a cup of tea and a chat, sure why not, she might be lovely. But only when convenient to me, I would not buy into any ‘obligation’.

I would help a neighbour settle in. It seems a recent and decent thing to do.

Well of course I'm not going to ignore her! I'm not a total unfeeling cow I'm friendly, I'll stop and chat with any of my neighbours, and of course I would with her as well if I saw her out and about. I'm also happy to have a brew with her. I just don't want it to go much further than that.

The comment about her killing herself because I don't want to forge a friendship is pretty low to be honest.

@Pricklypear12 not sure why you seem offended by that poster's use of the word tribe. It's a common word used to describe people with whom you have stuff in common. I regularly talk about kids at school finding their tribe. At work we describe tribes as groups of colleagues with similar goals. It's not a racist comment because the neighbour is foreign.

@SooziQue

Also why are we talking like baby groups and in person meetings and opportunities to make friends are... legal?

They will be in 2 weeks time so she could certainly start signing up to baby groups - I know where I am they're all filling up really fast as people are desperate to get out again.

But having said that I agree that's for her husband to help her with, not a random neighbour.

I think it would be good to have a cup of tea to “welcome her into the neighbourhood”, be friendly but also make clear you don’t have kids and your work is very busy so you don’t have much spare time.

Even if you don’t know where the mum and baby groups are, can you think of anywhere eg library, children’s centre, playground that she might be able to start meeting people? Can you tell her about a local community Facebook group, she could join that and ask about mum and baby stuff. Do you know any parents who might be willing to point her in the right direction?

Ultimately you’re right this is not your responsibility, but it would be kind to give her some local tips so she can start to build a life for herself.

Have a cup of tea and stop it after that if you like. At the meeting, mention getting info from Health Visitor, baby clinics, GP, internet for mum & baby groups.

@AlTempleton

The problem is I don't actually know about local things for parents because I don't have children of my own. My world is dogs, my job, running group, hiking, etc - so I've got nothing I can practically help her with I'd have to do research in order to give them this type of information, but then I kind-of think, well he could do that research and I'm really busy etc.

I don't mind having a cup of tea with her, but my concern would be that then escalating - do it once and then it becomes an expectation that it happens again.

You don't need to know the answers - phrase it as 'mother and baby groups are supposed to be good for getting to know other mums, aren't they? Have you looked at what's available'. Don't need to do the research yourself. You're making it clear that's something for them to be doing it. And that you'd love to have tea but you are conscious that you don't have nuch spare time - isn't it great that things are opening up and they will both be able to meet other people

So you go for tea and she asks you over again. You say that would be lovely - you're veey busy with work just now so maybe when things calm down.

And @Pricklypear12 - it’s really normal to use “find your tribe” to refer to meeting a group of people you get on with/have things in common with. It’s nothing to do with race or nationality. @Etinox really isn’t being a racist or anything!

Even more strange why he want to pair you up as friends when you don't even have children in common, just that your a female neighbour. I would speak to her when she comes outside, only he has asked you to go round for a cup of tea, you don't know what she's thinking, she might actually be mortified that he's trying to make friends for her.

Just tell him you have a very busy lifestyle so cannot commit to anything. Suggest he looks into things for her to do, places to meet other mothers etc.
Its not your responsibility although I would still be friendly towards his wife just not going out of my way.

If you work similar hours to him why not just give that as a reason why you will be no use for keeping her company while he is at work and suggest she speak to her health visitor about local groups.

From tomorrow the neighbour will be able to go out. She could have been taking the baby out for walks already, newborns attract a lot of attention.
The neighbour will also have a HV who can direct her in the right direction of various groups.

I would just tell him when you have time you will give her a knock.
If she starts using the garden then just have a neighbourly chat over the fence if you feel like it.

Do what you would normally do with a new neighbour OP.
No other obligation for you to do anything really - I’m neighbourly with some neighbours and we do share cup of tea when we can others I chat over the fence and others I might pass on details of a local builder/carpet fitter . Others I don’t talk to at all . Horses for courses.

What strikes me about your OP is the DH never seems to be out with his wife and baby - I think that’s strange tbh.