New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@TwinklyTits

Here you go Op Nearly there ...

Thank you!

I would go for a coffee with her and drop by to say hi. Honestly? I think it would be cold of you not to do so. I have moved countries and back to the UK again and can tell you honestly it is hard to meet people, even as a Brit, once you get to a certain age it's not easy. You could put hard boundaries in place from the beginning so that the expectation is set that you work FT and you won't be popping round on a whim for afternoon tea.

I don't think it's fair to demonise the husband either. He is looking out for his wife who sounds lonely and depressed. I mean yeah, he's going out for runs without her, she is postpartum and probably doesn't want to go for runs (?!) I know I didn't until 6 months after baby was born. If her English is not very good of course he will do most of the talking in social situations. I would rely on my husband in the same way in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language and he did.

A little kindness goes a long way and during lockdown I've found that social interactions with neighbours or strangers in the park, however fleeting, really give me a boost.

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

@Alsohuman

I think I love you *@AlTempleton*. I’ve only read your posts but I’ve so enjoyed your humour. No daffodils here but have a weird yellow flower and some vaginas.

🌼🌹🌹🌹🌹

Oh thank you! And thanks for my vaginas.

@Dontbeme

Sweet and sour sauce recipe

piece of root ginger
2 star anise
6 cloves
inch of cinnamon stick
teaspoon of oil
600ml water
250ml white wine vinegar (I also like apple cider vinegar)
150ml Tesco sugar free double concentrate orange squash
1 tbs tomato paste
I large orange sliced
200g sugar

Fry ginger, cinnamon, star anise and cloves in the oil until fragrant
Add water, squash, and vinegar
Add tomato paste, sugar and orange slices
Bring to the boil, take off heat and allow to cool fully
Once cold strain the liquid and this liquid will be fine in the fridge for up to two weeks

When making the sweet and sour sauce I prefer to thicken the mixture with potato starch but corn flour works well too.
You can also adjust the sugar/vinegar ratio to suit your own sweet/sour taste preference

Enjoy OP

Well that sounds lush. Thanks - I'll make that this weekend for my neighbours

@LoveDrunk

OP....you haven’t yet given me a daffodil...of course when you offer me one I will say ‘no thank you’.

This thread is mad!

Sorry, sorry - here, have the same amount of daffodils as emails I got overnight:

Another post to help fill it up OP. No instruction to Be K* from me, I'm cold and heartless too.

@starfishmummy

It seems that Daffodils are a symbol of unrequited love and also deceit. Clearly the neighbour thinks you are proposing a secret affair

Oh fuck, really? No wonder he did that secret little smile as he closed the door

You're welcome @AlTempleton I find a mixture of red onion, pineapple and green peppers are nice in the sauce, meat of choice served with rice and arsenic. Maybe some daffs for the dining room table would be festive.

@WhatWouldTheDoctorDo

Another post to help fill it up OP. No instruction to Be K* from me, I'm cold and heartless too.

Glad to hear it, you cold-hearted cow.

I’m making gingerbread this morning, not sure how it’ll turn out but the mix tasted nice, I doubled the spice amounts as they never out enough in I don’t think www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/ultimate-easy-gingerbread

@AcornAutumn

OP I can't believe the idiotic replies on this threas

I'll help fill it up

Phnarr phnarr

🙄

Just helping you fill up the thread OP 😘

🌷

OP I think your idea of inviting them both round was very thoughtful and sensible.

Taking flowers was also very kind. I agree that it seems extremely odd that he turned you away abruptly. To be honest, your descriptions of them scream mental illness. She sounds unwell, and I wonder if you happened to pop round at a time when things in the house were very bad and he sort of panicked. We will never know of course.

I don't think it reflects on you at all, I think it just sounds as though she is unwell and unsupported, and that her husband is trying to help albeit clumsily.

Of course it isn't your responsibility and you are not obliged to help her/them, and clearly you have already made appropriate efforts.

Personally I would probably try to source some advice for new mothers/PND/mental distress, some sort of pamphlets in her language and leave them in their letterbox. But that's just me, I don't mean to pressure you to do this. I just know from my work that sometimes small things can make a big difference.

[quote DartmoorDoughnut]I’m making gingerbread this morning, not sure how it’ll turn out but the mix tasted nice, I doubled the spice amounts as they never out enough in I don’t think www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/ultimate-easy-gingerbread[/quote]
I quite agree. The more gingery the better.

Dartmoor, you can be my friend. Don't expect to come crying to me or anything needy though. I just want you for your cooking.

@PenguinBarnotBird

Just helping you fill up the thread OP 😘 🌷

Thanks my love.

*Thanks my love.

shock*

Oh that was meant to be daffodils - sorry!

@AlTempleton poor you OP, I read the start of this thread and cringed at all the ‘be kind’ admonishments you got. I’m really starting to bristle at the expectation that it’s up to women to make everything nice for everyone else while men can get on with their lives free for the requirement to remember birthdays, send cards etc. Good for you for making some effort though, strange that the husband didn’t want to meet given that he has been chasing you to meet his wife.

Anyhoo, don’t be to down about some of the mad replies, you haven’t done anything wrong and you aren’t some cold hearted empathy free bitch either. Some people are just so determined to show how much kinder than you they are that they don’t mind coming across as pure arseholes to do it!

And anyway, as a slow jogging, cake, daffodil and dog lover I’m entitled to my opinion!

@ForwardRanger

OP I think your idea of inviting them both round was very thoughtful and sensible.

Taking flowers was also very kind. I agree that it seems extremely odd that he turned you away abruptly. To be honest, your descriptions of them scream mental illness. She sounds unwell, and I wonder if you happened to pop round at a time when things in the house were very bad and he sort of panicked. We will never know of course.

I don't think it reflects on you at all, I think it just sounds as though she is unwell and unsupported, and that her husband is trying to help albeit clumsily.

Of course it isn't your responsibility and you are not obliged to help her/them, and clearly you have already made appropriate efforts.

Personally I would probably try to source some advice for new mothers/PND/mental distress, some sort of pamphlets in her language and leave them in their letterbox. But that's just me, I don't mean to pressure you to do this. I just know from my work that sometimes small things can make a big difference.

You've diagnosed these people without ever having met them and now you think OP should collect leaflets (from where?!) and deliver them? This is a terrible idea.

@ForwardRanger

OP I think your idea of inviting them both round was very thoughtful and sensible.

Taking flowers was also very kind. I agree that it seems extremely odd that he turned you away abruptly. To be honest, your descriptions of them scream mental illness. She sounds unwell, and I wonder if you happened to pop round at a time when things in the house were very bad and he sort of panicked. We will never know of course.

I don't think it reflects on you at all, I think it just sounds as though she is unwell and unsupported, and that her husband is trying to help albeit clumsily.

Of course it isn't your responsibility and you are not obliged to help her/them, and clearly you have already made appropriate efforts.

Personally I would probably try to source some advice for new mothers/PND/mental distress, some sort of pamphlets in her language and leave them in their letterbox. But that's just me, I don't mean to pressure you to do this. I just know from my work that sometimes small things can make a big difference.

Thank you

OP I think you should sit in the garden with an ice cream and gaze at your daffodils - - stumps--

[quote WeeMadArthur]@AlTempleton poor you OP, I read the start of this thread and cringed at all the ‘be kind’ admonishments you got. I’m really starting to bristle at the expectation that it’s up to women to make everything nice for everyone else while men can get on with their lives free for the requirement to remember birthdays, send cards etc. Good for you for making some effort though, strange that the husband didn’t want to meet given that he has been chasing you to meet his wife.

Anyhoo, don’t be to down about some of the mad replies, you haven’t done anything wrong and you aren’t some cold hearted empathy free bitch either. Some people are just so determined to show how much kinder than you they are that they don’t mind coming across as pure arseholes to do it!

And anyway, as a slow jogging, cake, daffodil and dog lover I’m entitled to my opinion!

[/quote]
Thank you. It has gone a tad bonkers this thread hasn't it

@Palavah

OP I think you should sit in the garden with an ice cream and gaze at your daffodils - - stumps--

Cow