Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

@sal1223

It will do op, you have been very brave posting your question, which shows to me you are no pushover.
Your moods will fluctuate, some days you will cope some days you won't, but whatever route you go, there will be pain.

You have to decide what kind of pain you want at the moment.
No pain is not an option.

But please do not feel shamed because of your decision.
In my eyes you are very strong, especially in the face of public opinion that condem your decision.

[quote sal1223]@Onthedunes certain things that have been said here have made me feel shamed and upset , some of you think I'm an absolute mug [/quote]
I wouldn't worry too much what random posters think, you'll never get a 100% consensus on this one. Some people will always feel cheating is 1 strike and you're out, some people will always think you should work on the marriage.

But this isn't a debate question for you, this is your actual life - so how you feel about it is the only thing that matters. Can you get past it? Can you forgive him? Do you feel it was really a one off and he regrets it and will work to make it better? Then why not. There are no prizes for being miserable but Mumsnet approved.

But if you think you can't get over it, and it will lurk in your mind, and you won't trust him again - then possibly best to cut your losses.

Fwiw I don't think I would personally be divorcing over a 3yo one night stand. And I am far from a surrendered wife, and generally think mumsnet users stay with crap husbands for way too long!

sal1223
I do not see you as a mug. You are entitled to make your own decision and can go on to change this in the future.

I wonder why people perceive staying in the marriage to be the easy way out. It takes courage and a dying to self. Your emotions are all over the place and the very person who put you there is just yards away. Sometimes you want them near, then you want them far, sometimes you want intimacy then you do not want them near you. I want the intimacy to meet a need, not because I want to be intimate with my h per se. He then feels closer to me and I feel nothing. It is so messed up.

It will do no good to tell op that she will never be happy and she is wasting her time.

To be shamed by other women can be very damaging and can affect your confidence profoundly.

Good thing I've done neither in my posts on this thread - so not sure why you're making these comments with an @ me.

I have questioned the basis on which op appears to have made her decision (her decision so far, that is) to continue her marriage; as is natural when you see cheater script popping up, also various illogical/shaky/flawed points, manipulation from the cheater, likely under or misrepresentation from cheater etc.

Encouraging her to think more about it before making such a decision (a decision which doesn't have to be made now, it can be made anytime ; her h sure took his sweet time telling her he'd cheated on her) is not shaming her.

My neighbours husband cheated on her . The husband came round and beat him up on the doorstep and that was how the wife found out. 20 years on she is drinking heavily and at least one night a week she brings it up ‘what you did with that tart’. It’s so sad. My sister in law is the same, she acted for years like it didn’t matter and they were happy but in time she has become bitter and resentful and they literally live separate lives. Sorry - this might not be what you want to hear but that’s been my experience of it..

some of you think I'm an absolute mug

In all honesty I think most posters who come across as harsh are actually angry on your behalf.

People also, from.outside, see that it's very early days in you processing this and therefore do not think that how you feel now and your decision now is a fait accompli ... Which makes it hard to "support" the decision. I suppose they're not diplomatic enough (or dishonest enough!) to pretend they don't think you might change your mind in the future, when you've had more time to process, or if more comes out, of if your h's behaviour around drink and drugs recurs etc.

@MarshmallowAra I know and I know it comes from a good place

If you think he is sorry & won't do it again remember all the good things he does right & not the one thing he did wrong. I hope you come to the decision that's best for you x

@sal1223 MN is full of women who think you’re a mug/ doormat/ no self respect for staying. As I said upthread, you were always going to need to strap your crash helmet on with a thread like this. It’s brave to post here.
Whichever choice anyone makes, stay or go, there’s a lot of leaping up and down on MN justifying their own reasons for doing what they did. It never ends well and dignity and debate is failing fast in some posts here.
What they did was right for them. What I am doing is right for me. What you do will be right for you.
You are no mug. Nobody is so stupid as to not realise that their decision might prove to be the wrong one in the long term. But equally it might be right. I know quite a few people who stayed and it was the right decision for them. It did work out. For some it won’t. Base your decision on what you know, set clear boundaries and then live your life. Ignore the unhelpful stuff. You don’t need advice from those who dress up trying to belittle you for your decision as actually meaning to protect you. Good luck Sal. X

if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying

Often men minimize what happened, say it was just once etc. You don't really know, do you? So it's not just what he supposedly did, but also the fact that you can't trust him to tell the truth.

@me4real o do know - I remember that time well and have looked at phone records / pictures in my phone . I know it was once

@Thewookiemustgo thank you and

@wishfulthinking10 thank you

@Onthedunes that was a really kind message thank you x

And @DryIce thanks that a really balanced comment that makes sense

@DryIce

‘There are no prizes for being miserable but Mumsnet approved.’

This. Absolutely.

[quote sal1223]@me4real o do know - I remember that time well and have looked at phone records / pictures in my phone . I know it was once

@Thewookiemustgo thank you and [/quote]
Mo offence but there are any number of ways of communicating with someone illicitly, including email, through work (she was a work colleague, is that right), second phone, messenger apps you delete etc etc. He's lied to you every day by omission about cheating on you for three years (presumably he initially intended to not tell you) ... And I'd be inclined to think the length of time he choose to put off telling you was him thinking the longed that elapsed, the more it could minimised; so he's not honest, and he's probably using minimisation techniques on exactly what happened too.

(And it has worked .."I always thought I'd be straight out the door if my h cheated, but I'm not going to end my marriage over a ONS, especially a ONS that happened three years ago".

I've already pointed out that it's quite hard to have a totally isolated one with a work colleague (one who you were aware enough of to know she was interested in him), without other inappropriate behaviour.

*totally isolated ONS.

If we're realistic, it's not common either for people to have sex with no build up/escalation if they know each other beforehand.

I don’t agree with the pp who said we are trying to belittle Sal in the guise of protection. Sorry do you know me?
I’m someone who went through this and left the love of my life. I was blinkered and brushed over the behaviour and didn’t look at the facts and actions and what he said. It is foolish to just act with your heart ‘but I love him!’ Or with desperation to keep the family together.
I worry Sal has too quickly swept over the fact that he was pretty awful when he admitted it ( blaming Sal and ow mostly, refusing to change his behaviour with drinking going forward etc) she’s also so trusting that this was a ONS - when they were work colleagues, he knew the ow liked him - there was pretty obviously a run up of flirtations to this night in question. There was likely premeditation and not just the random girl in a bar when you’re pissed scenario. That makes it a different type of cheating in my book. Are you telling me he didn’t fantasise about this woman before he did this or run through the cheating scenario ? He still chose to do it. Premeditated. He also stayed two hours with the Ow, apparently he was blind drunk but managed to perform 🤔
It makes me angry when women are too accepting and I’m annoyed at myself for once doing the same ( he cheated again)
So my views do come from a place of trying to protect others from having blinkers on and looking at facts.
If we are all going to Pom Pom wave then what is the point ?
If you want to move forward that is my advice. Question every single thing he has said and done, don’t take it as a truth ( as he’s held a lie for three years) once you are truly satisfied with the answers - then you can look to the future. I don’t understand how right now Sal can be satisfied with what she’s heard and experienced

@Onthedunes I truly empathise with your posts. There is a presumption by some mumsnetters that the power is in the leaving— in many cases I think the power can be in the staying and thinking more about yourself and building up a life/assets/career etc so that if it happens again or you change your mind -it matters less. Not every woman is in a position just to say sod off without causing huge amounts of upheaval to either theirs or kids lives and not every woman can just walk off , rent houses , or move in with family/friends.

@MarshmallowAra Not sure why you tagged me, but thank you for the new information.
There’s a delete option on tech devices? People who cheat actually do this? There are messenger apps and you can access other phones? It’s easier to hide stuff through work or use work as a cover to have an affair? Who knew?!
What OP saw on her phone/ his phone, plus all the other information and experience of her husband that she has at her disposal, that she has chosen not to share with us (but no doubt backs up what was on the phone) is enough for the OP. It doesn’t have to be enough for you, or me, just her. It clearly is.
He cheated. He lied. He’s capable of cheating and lying. He more than likely deleted stuff and tried to cover his tracks.
We get it.
Upthread the OP was quite rightly upset that some comments treated her as if she was stupid. Comments like ‘no offence but...’ which go on to explain stuff everybody already knows, and ‘I’ve already pointed out that....’ as if the OP didn’t understand the first time you said it, imply exactly that. You might not have meant it that way, but that’s how it reads.
No matter how rare you think it may or may not be, some people make a trash-your-life decision, learn from it and never do it again. She believes he’s one of those people. Rightly or wrongly, only time will tell, she’s put her faith in him one more time. Nobody can guarantee the future. Of course she knows he could screw up again. But even our criminal justice system lets people out after they’ve done their time for a second chance in society. If they screw up, it’s back to jail.
A second chance plus non-negotiatiable boundaries is her chosen option, knowing full well the risk she is taking.
If the OP wants to give her husband a chance, with full knowledge of the risks, it’s her choice. She knows what she’s doing. She’s not stupid.

I agree with Lovedove and Yoniandguy for that matter.

Posters attached her (?) for being harsh/offensive but actually she was getting to the crux of the issue and it's not something a bs wanting to continue their relationship wants to hear : that men who do this v often know their partner is going nowhere. They might minimise and lie to make sure they don't leave/try to throw him out, but they know she's very very highly invested, thinks she loves him, wants to keep her family together, puts lots and lots of value on the marriage etc.

This man knew op was going nowhere when he had his "mid life crisis" and chose to (yes, chose) respond to a distressing period with the disability diagnosis for their child by drinking, taking drugs, going "off the rails" az op put it while she held the fort; she wasn't happy with him but it sounds like there was no "sort yourself out or you're out, you're a husband, father, and family man, act like one (or I'll throw you out, you're making my life harder at a time of distress, you're not stepping up, you're flaking put etc)". He knew she was going to put up with it, persevere etc.

In a similar vein you have to suspect he thought she'd probably take the infidelity if she ever found out, if it was far enough down the line, and he minimised it. Blamed the diagnosis, blamed the drink and drugs, blamed their relationship state (his own doing), blamed the ow etc.

It sounds like, back then, he decided (whether due to mid life crisis or family crisis or both) that he didn't want to play family man anymore; he wanted to act like a young single man - drinking to excess, taking drugs, taking a sexual opportunity that came his way like he was single .... When he'd worked through that for a while he decided came back into the fold, knowing op would be there, holding everything together, committed, invested Etc.
Not really an equal relationship dynamic.

@Thewookiemustgo

Sorry, part of your post got copied by accident when I was quoting op.

I've actually read people on here say that cheaters use email bit dint actually send messages, they leave them in drafts and share the password for the email account to communicate with no trail.

And yes,there are hidden apps too for messaging without being visible on-screen.

As to your other comments, it's lovely that you're so derisive towards my attempts to be diplomatic.

If I wasn't you've be equally attacking that.

If op already knows and accepts that what her h told her about his interaction with ow is possibly lies; why is she stating condidebtly that they only had sexual contact once, and citing phone records and photos as proof ...
While it's clearly not.

Also I can reiterate something if I think it's relevant; there arena lot of posts, a lot of stuff flying back and forward; it's easy to not be sure who said what.

Stop being so patronising and antagonistic.

There’s a delete option on tech devices? People who cheat actually do this? There are messenger apps and you can access other phones? It’s easier to hide stuff through work or use work as a cover to have an affair? Who knew?!

Save your sarcasm, nasty.

Lowest form of wit and all that.