Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

@Thewookiemustgo

I honestly think you have the agenda to end all agendas. Your husband had a 14 month affair and you stayed. Because he obviously loves you right? And now you go round these threads implementing yourself and defending staying with a wayward spouse. But you arent doing it for anyone but yourself. If disengenuous and quite frankly, a bit pathetic. I don't want to take advice from someone who lowers themself in that way. I'm bloody sure a lot of others don't either.

(the second part of that saying doesn't apply in this case btw)

[quote Lily73423]@Thewookiemustgo

I honestly think you have the agenda to end all agendas. Your husband had a 14 month affair and you stayed. Because he obviously loves you right? And now you go round these threads implementing yourself and defending staying with a wayward spouse. But you arent doing it for anyone but yourself. If disengenuous and quite frankly, a bit pathetic. I don't want to take advice from someone who lowers themself in that way. I'm bloody sure a lot of others don't either.[/quote]
Ah, that explains all the anger & sarcasm.

Perhaps she should direct that towards the person who mistreated her, instead of posters on here.

@MarshmallowAra whatever you say.

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@MarshmallowAra whatever you say.[/quote]
Oh no, whatever you say - you're clearly have no skin in the game at all, given you're with a man who cheated on you for fourteen months.

People pointing out delusions about cheating clearly have no effect on your zen state at all, that's obvious from your chilled, balanced posts.

@MarshmallowAra you come across as way too invested in OP’s life and decisions. You’ve made your point (relentlessly) that you think she should leave. That’s not what she wants to do and not what she’s asking about on this thread.

If you have any genuine care for her, can I suggest you stop watching this thread to avoid the temptation of commenting further. You’ve bashed the OP over the head enough and rehashed at length all the ways in which her husband has let her down. I think she has understood your viewpoint - she just doesn’t agree with it which is her right.

@MarshmallowAra

I was with you to a point
But your unrelentingly black and white view on the situation really does undermine your opinion.we are talking about humans and relationships here. Not robots and formulas

@Lily73423 The advice wasn’t for you. It was for the OP. The OP asked for support from those who chose to stay. I’m one of those people. I only comment from my viewpoint. I’ve always been completely honest about my situation and I know I risk the woman-shaming comments for doing so. I go on these threads to try to give a differing opinion to LTB. In my posts I also put the opposite view, that in some cases LTB is the correct course of action, but my ‘agenda’ is that only the OP can know that.

[quote Katrinawaves]@MarshmallowAra you come across as way too invested in OP’s life and decisions. You’ve made your point (relentlessly) that you think she should leave. That’s not what she wants to do and not what she’s asking about on this thread.

If you have any genuine care for her, can I suggest you stop watching this thread to avoid the temptation of commenting further. You’ve bashed the OP over the head enough and rehashed at length all the ways in which her husband has let her down. I think she has understood your viewpoint - she just doesn’t agree with it which is her right.[/quote]
You clearly haven't read my posts if you think I think she should leave. I've never once said that. What I have done is point out the issues with all the "reasoning" around the decision to continue the relationship at this time (and also pointed out the issues with couples counseling in this scenario).

Lots of posters have gotten dragged into this thread (and gotten dragged into debates with other posters whose points they think are irrelevant/flawed/irresponsible/whatever. That happens in threads sometimes.

The op has dealt with all this debating very level headedly and not felt the need to scold people off a thread, why don't you take a leaf from that book.

I don’t think anyone should police a thread other than its op.

@Lovedove

I don’t think anyone should police a thread other than its op.

I don’t think that even the op has the right to police a thread.

That’s up to site administrators only

of course you can’t stop people posting but they can say they prefer if x and y person no longer offers their opinion- id be ok with that.

[quote Salarymallory]@MarshmallowAra

I was with you to a point
But your unrelentingly black and white view on the situation really does undermine your opinion.we are talking about humans and relationships here. Not robots and formulas[/quote]
Humans tend to act in quite consistent, common ways, they have quite common motivations.

I think once you start showing the level of spite which your post at 11.03 displayed to a poster who disagreed with you, then you are clearly over invested and it’s reasonable to be called out about it.

* Humans tend to act in quite consistent, common ways, they have quite common motivations.*

Ok now completely undermined your stance.

@Katrinawaves I think that was in response to a very antagonistic sarcastic comment from the pp to marshmallow. Obviously better not to rise to it but ..

@Katrinawaves

I think once you start showing the level of spite which your post at 11.03 displayed to a poster who disagreed with you, then you are clearly over invested and it’s reasonable to be called out about it.

You're absolutely right - I posted that and was "spiteful" to that poster with absolutely zero background or provocation.

She wasn't sarcastic, aggressive, derisive etc.

It's not spite to point out,just as Lily dud very forthrightly, that she's pushing an agenda hard (and becoming aggression a d sarcastic towards posters whose posts contradict it) because of her own position.

[quote Lovedove]@Katrinawaves I think that was in response to a very antagonistic sarcastic comment from the pp to marshmallow. Obviously better not to rise to it but ..[/quote]
Thank you for being fair.

Perhaps you should read all the posts thoroughly Katrina, if you're going to set yourself up as self appointed "caller out" of posts (and pressure people to stop posting).

You’ve made your point (relentlessly) that you think she should leave.

Having skim-read my posts, the closest I've come to it was to say that between going "off the rails", cheating, lying about it for three years, using a part "explanation" for the cheating of feeling unwanted (even though that was the result of his own ) behaviour) etc. .. that he didn't sound like the sort of person to persevere in a relationship with.

It's not just that though - I have the feeling that op is seeing the rest of the relationship through rose tinteds; that the dynamic is not actually an equal/fair one. I suppose I think that that's important to address, whether she continues the marriage or not.

Given time, you may be able to forgive your DH but can you ever forget or trust him in the future? A lot of women find this impossible to do. I know I did. The first time I decided to try and make it work which on reflection was the wrong thing for me. The second time, I didn't hesitate and kicked him out.

I mistakenly thought I still loved him but really I was in love with the man he used to be, not the cheat he had become. He told me he loved me but I found it impossible to understand how he could have cheated if he had any love or respect for me.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

This thread has been totally hi-jacked. I wouldn't blame the OP if they didn't come back now.

Regardless of this debate op, the things that stood out for me in this post was that he had a ONS with a work colleague. Is he still working with her?
I suppose this can happen at the office party or such but it has the oppotunity of being an ongoing EA, even if she is not at the workplace.
Also his confession 3 years later is in most women's eyes either a ruse to get you to kick him out as he has been having thoughts of another life.
Horrible thought but yes lots of us have been through it.

I think we as women, even the ones who respect your decision to stay are worried that you are accepting his words as truth.
Maybe you wish to ignor any warning signals at this point and that is for you to decide. The time is not right for you, I get it.
Don't be pressured to feel less than because you are on hold and still weighing up your options and seeing what the future brings.
I at the moment trust your judgement, you know him, I don't, so that's what you are asking. Advice on remaining with someone who has yet to proove that he can be trusted.
Wookie is extremely good for that advice as she is living it now.
I think Marshmellow is just extremely protective of her fellow women, its understandable, and I'd want her in my corner anyday.
I hope everything works out between you, if things change, we will be here for that story.
Until then allow this woman to get the advice she wants.

It was someone working there temporarily that he hit it off with - into the exact same things work wise who is now the other side of the planet thankfully, it sounded like she thought he might leave me for her and when he told her it was a huge mistake and he loved his wife etc she made arrangements to be transferred
He said he didn't tell me because he was scared I'd leave and he loved me and
the kids and didn't want to lose us - he said he couldn't believe he'd done it and has battled since with suicidal thoughts which apparently got worse which is when he decided to tell me - as he realised keeping it a secret was affecting his mental health severely.
He's honestly the last person I or anyone else would think would cheat - he's not interested in women at all , has always been painfully honest and up to that point a real family man. I can't believe he's done it - maybe it's not sunk in properly yet . I believe that I know what's happened from what he's told me , there's no point t confessing the worst and holding anything back , he's answered every question I've asked him - all the gory details of what he can remember (and wish I hadn't) I know exactly when it happened and don't think there is anything left out - I also don't think there was a threat of anyone else telling me or they would have by now - no one else knows from him and her (he said she was totally ashamed after that she's slept with a married man🙄) I know her from years ago and I'm surprised to be honest. My head is mashed at the moment , I feel angry with myself for being so calm and feeling like I do about it . It didn't mean anything emotionally , he deeply regrets it and has hated himself since , he wants another chance and wants us to be happy together and if I don't give this some time then I might look back and regret it

I won't stay married to him if I'm not happy and if I can't move past this