Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

@YoniAndGuy you've made a huge generalisation about all men that have been unfaithful which isn't necessarily applicable to everyone in this situation and with a hint of mockery on top , I hope it's made you feel better in some way .

''You can then stride around all you like making proclamations to make you feel better - 'He knows that one false step now and he would be gone, no discussion, out!' - it's the bleakest thing I hear on these threads - thinking 'No. He now knows the opposite. And deep down you both know it.''

I'm not 'striding around ' making proclamations - I'm speaking my truth and being honest with myself and my feelings - I'm not an idiot and do not need your pity thanks

@YoniAndGuy sometimes what you call ‘big words’ to ‘make you feel better’ are true. They are real boundaries put in place which are non-negotiable and the only terms on which reconciling can be built.

@sal1223 - I think you are being very brave and strong in the face of trauma that would make most people collapse in a heap.
For what it's worth I think the one truth that another poster offered but which I think is true - is that in order to go forward you need to hit the reset button on your marriage. You need to begin a new relationship- without assumed trust or long term commitment. Your DH has breached the previous contract-you can pull out of the agreement. If you want to salvage things, then start a second relationship with him, as someone who has cheated on you (and let you down in other ways) and has a lot of work to do to prove to you and himself that he can be a better man?

There is the sense that someone who cheats is like a dog that bites. You don't know if they will again but do you want to take that chance? Are they vicious or were there very specific circumstances that won't happen again. Is there therapy? Etc. I think the comparison explains why there is no second chance, but it isn't wrong or naive to try either.

There can be debate all day about how one partner should not hurt the other.
Life is unfair.
Situations are unfair.
Everthing that keeps you disadvantaged within a relationship will not mirraculously diasappear when you end a relationship.

Many women have to be realistic and that is knowing your weaknesses and strengths. Every woman would love the fairy tale outcome of finances improving, weight reducing, looking stunning, not aging, being in fantastic health and becoming just as narcisistic and uncaring as the partner who dumped their shite behaviour on them.

It is for every woman to decide how much hurt has been metered out to them and how much hurt they can overcome.
You can only quantify your own hurt and then quantify how many resources you have to overcome that hurt.
My partner for instance left it 35 years before breaking my heart, I'm not stupid I know my resources are much more limited than if he did it ten years in.

I am currently separated but if in time I wished to resume a relationship with him, which he wants, I would hope somebody could give me some support and not shame me for my decision.
Life is complex and we are all here just trying to survive, I personally would rather just give comfort to any woman whatever her situation is, if she has been hurt in any way.

@Onthedunes - agree 100%!!

Every woman would love the fairy tale outcome of finances improving, weight reducing, looking stunning, not aging, being in fantastic health and becoming just as narcisistic and uncaring as the partner who dumped their shite behaviour on them.

Wtaf .

This is as good as seadog referring to not everyone picking a "perfect" man .... Yeah luv there's a teeny chance there are men somewhere between "perfect" and one who goes off the rails drinking and taking drugs and shags a work colleague who you know is into him during a mid life crisis/distressing time in your family life (and doesn't tell you for 3 (?) years. Dud he wait a length of time he thought would be far enough in the past to ensure op would be unlikely to leave?).

Back on your post ; who the fk expects to g

.. to not age, to get slimmed etc etc?

Those aren't expectations most normal people have - they're ridiculous and you appear to be lumping them together with expecting decency from a spouse or partner!

The latter is not a ridiculous, unrealistic expectation.

[quote Seadad]@Onthedunes - agree 100%!![/quote]
Two "interesting" posters like you finding common ground, who'd a thunk it.

Infidelity is similar to abusive behaviour in a lot of people's minds, and asking them for ways to "survive infidelity" by forgiving and getting over the betrayal is almost the same as asking them how to survive abuse by staying with the abusive partner and forgiving them. I'm not interested in doing that. Why would I be? It is like asking someone to drink poison and pretend it tastes good.

I have been cheated on, and it hurt like hell. I also left immediately. I rarely think of that relationship any more. It wasn't for me, if it was he wouldn't have lied to me for months. I don't think people should be encouraging others to stay in relationships they have been cheated on. It's up to the individual to make that choice based on their own truths.

Infidelity is similar to abusive behaviour in a lot of people's minds, and asking them for ways to "survive infidelity" by forgiving and getting over the betrayal is almost the same as asking them how to survive abuse by staying with the abusive partner and forgiving them. I'm not interested in doing that. Why would I be? It is like asking someone to drink poison and pretend it tastes good.

100%.

And it's why posters who ask questions like this will.always get responses encouraging them to reconsider their decision to continue the relationship. They (and posters who are pro staying with cheaters) will then pile on dating they're cruel and bullying and blah blah, but the vast majority are not, they just don't think someone should stay with someone who has abused them, whose abuse will continue to affect them, and who may not be absolutely certain of repeating the abuse again.

In general I also tend to find there is an unequal balance of power, and dysfunctional dynamic in the relationships that this happens in; that the betrayed spouses hasn't recognised (or doesnt want to). It's rarely truly left field/out of character .. and you don't want to see someone continue in a relationship like that either.

(There seem.to be a lot of posters on MN whose marriages break down following their husband's mud life crisis; he is often cited as being like a different person .. but if the poster fills in the background of their entire relationship/family life etc. it becomes clear he's always been an entitled, selfish etc. (Just not outright cheating before - because he wasn't really motivated to outright cheat before). There's never been true equality or respect for her (which can be v hard to see for many women, with our continuing different social standards for wives and husbands, mothers fathers etc.).

@MarshmallowAra

It is not about expectation, it is about the thread title "surviving infedelity' .

How do you think someone can survive infedelity?

Do you think there are different types of infedelity?
Do you think some men act differently when exposed as a cheat?
Do you think there are different degrees of hurt in infedelity ?
Do you think different women will have more resources than others to cope with infedelity ?

I know your point of view is coming from a place of loving the betrayed partner, which is admirable and I feel the same but some people are asking a different question.

This question for the op at the moment is "how have you got through it and can you help me with that."
My personal point of view doesn't matter.

What I would say to op though is you can try, and I wish you all the best but remember you can change your mind at any point, whether it be 5 years down the line. Decisions can always change, and that is her right.

Op, how would things be for you if you did divorce him?

Financially? Would you need to move? Do you have a support network that you know would help you?

How do you think someone can survive infedelity?

I'm probably of the opinion that you shouldn't have to survive anything someone who is supposed to care about you has done

.. and if you do, you might be best putting distance between you and that somebody.

(Also I would question whether they truly care about you, whatever they may say. Some people's "love" is not worry having).

@Salarymallory I'd be fine , financially fine , I have support and no wouldn't need to move

The only comment that sticks out to me is that if you didn’t have children you would have probably kicked him out.

Whatever you do, don’t stick around for the children. That is most certainly not in their best interests.

But you know if I didn't have children with him I probably wouldn't feel as connected to him

In addition to sharing children, op highlighted this being a ONS, not a fling or affair as a reason for continuing her marriage.

But realistically she was a work colleague, an acquaintance, one who was in the scene enough for op to actually be aware of her a d be aware she was interested in her h etc., not an anonymous stranger in a bar, for example.

And how exactly does one ramp up (and down from) to a ONS with a work colleague without anything inappropriate, flirtatious, sexual, illicit etc. It seems like it's likely to have been in the direction of a fling even if they really only had sex once.

It's noteworthy that not only has the ops h waited out 3 years (?) because, you could imagine, the length of time in the past, could be used to ameliorate the impact (and it's a not uncommon strategy) but also because it meant ow was no longer working around him or even in the country.

No hassle for him around "you see her at work, how do I know you won't start something, I can't stand you being around her, you need to change job etc etc."
It's quite calculating, self preserving, manipulative etc. and I honestly wonder about his disclosure being totally honest/self sacrificing.

@sal1223

''You can then stride around all you like making proclamations to make you feel better - 'He knows that one false step now and he would be gone, no discussion, out!' - it's the bleakest thing I hear on these threads - thinking 'No. He now knows the opposite. And deep down you both know it.''

I'm not 'striding around ' making proclamations - I'm speaking my truth and being honest with myself and my feelings - I'm not an idiot and do not need your pity thanks

I'm sorry, @sal1223, my post wasn't aimed at you - re reading it could have been put a lot better.

My tone didn't aim to be mocking. Just fucking angry really, the 'you' is the everywoman - they are the words of practically every woman I've seen on threads like these where they're left in the absolutely horrible position of upending their lives or swallowing poison like this - as someone else just put it - and trying to pretend it doesn't taste like poison.

The ultimatums come across to me like desperate attempts to have control of the situation, but it's not even about that. What does it matter that a person has laid down the law - if it happens again you're OUT - what differnece does that really make when he's already done it and every time you have sex and you're looking at each other and he's saying whatever it is he says, and you're just thinking of him doing the same to her and not giving one shit about you at that moment? Fucking soul destroying and a 'full of remorse' H who 'fully understands what he did' and 'knows he's on his last chance' doesn't make a blind bit if differnece to how that's going to feel every time.

Yes I've been there. I walked away because I dould never have lived with that kind of corrosion. I didn't want to feel furious and angry and despairing every time I had sex for the next five years or more until I could forget about it.

No kids, though. So there, yes, I have no experience.

I'm sorry mypost upset you sal. It was not aimed at you but was badly phrased. Out of fury.

(By disclosure, I mean what he's disclosed,you have to wonder if it's accurate).

@MarshmallowAra

If someone is in a place to forgive in their lives all you can do is support that.
It will do no good to tell op that she will never be happy and she is wasting her time.

It is her time to do as she pleases.
You would not forgive and would not put up with it.
We know.

Trying to understand someone elses point of view is difficult but in the long term op may feel stronger years down the line if she ever changed her mind about the situation, knowing that whatever options she chooses, she will be supported by other women.
To be shamed by other women can be very damaging and can affect your confidence profoundly.

The other thing - I simply don't believe that after three years, he 'couldn't live with himself'. No way.

There will have been a risk of you finding out for some reason. That will be why he told you. He was safe, then he wasn't safe.

@YoniAndGuy ok thanks , and what you've described isn't how I'm feeling at the moment , that can obviously change

@Onthedunes certain things that have been said here have made me feel shamed and upset , some of you think I'm an absolute mug