Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

I'm going to 'try' to forgive him - we have a long history together and he has not been and isn't usually a selfish asshole

"I chested mostly because I'm selfish and totally unreasonable" - you should have been loving and attentive towards me while I was inflicting stress on you and acting very poorly. You weren't so that's the main reason I gave myself permission to have sex with another woman behind your back".

He's admitted this is all his fault , he knows that the reason I wasn't loving towards him is because he was behaving selfishly , he hasn't said I should have been more loving and attentive towards him, you are twisting the narrative

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@Marshmallowara having been through this, I never doubted for a second that she wasn’t dismissing the bullshit part. That’s all I’m saying. For me, personally, it was a given. For others reading it, clearly not.[/quote]
Well you e moved to the word I used- dismissing (rather than "questioning" as you initially said) - I know that sounds pedantic but it is important.

If his explanation is totally dismissed, op.has to accept that he cheated because he wanted to, because risking their marriage was, in some part of his brain, to some extent) a risk he was willing to take, he was willing to risk it ending and him presumably moving on with another partner in life at some point.ets not forget that ow could have easily told op at any time before he did (in fact you have to wonder if that loose end being untied is one if the reasons he told op) and the while thing would've blown up and op could've easily decided not to continue their marriage, as many cheated on people do.
It's unlikely anyone with a brain wouldn't factor that possibility in (ow he was about to have sex with spilling to his wife, and him not being able to.lie his way out of it of he chose to try to lie) and so there's that acceptance of the destruction of their marriage (even if it's not certain) to deal with. On too of that that this man was willing to try to lie (possibly to himself as well as op) about feeling unwanted, without the slightest merit being given to his behaviour as to why op might not be super loving, attentive, affectionate, close to him, centring him etc. at that time; in order to try to excuse himself and shift some responsibility over to op. It's a classic cheater narrative/line incidentally and if any of it sticks, they can't believe their luck & cleverness. I fidelity without real co sequences/losses for them, and even getting the person they've cheated on to take some responsibility and try harder at something.

He is not blaming me , we've had arguments and stress since his confession obviously but he says he knows and accepts this is ALL on him - all of it - none of this is my fault and he let me down when I needed him the most - he full of remorse and disgusted with himself , he is taking responsibility for his actions and trying to change , I can see that and hence why I'm giving this some time

@MarshmallowAra all you can do from an outsiders perspective is speculate and offer advise from experience - I've not seen in any posts what your experience with this is , you don't need to share but it might help explain your feelings about this kind of situation

he knows that the reason I wasn't loving towards him is because he was behaving selfishly , he hasn't said I should have been more loving and attentive towards him, you are twisting the narrative

I'm not.i only went on what you wrote, that he said he cheated partly because the felt unwanted (and you mentioned no acknowledgement that he saw feeling unwanted as totally unreasonable, ironic in fact). Why even raise it as a reason for cheating if he knows it wasn't true/totally unjustified.

In any case someone who says "I went off the rails and was treating you like shite, so you weren't loving/I didn't feel wanted by you, so I cheated on you" is not really demonstrating good partner credentials. If you want to try to continue the marriage, genuinely, the best of luck.

I'm clearly just annoying you, and not being of help.

I'm sorry for any offence.

Don't be shocked when he cheats again OP. By forgving him all you are doing is showing you can be won back over again. So now he will think 'oh well, if I fuck another woman behind her back again she will forgive me if I spin the right lines like last time'. Because trust me, chances are he will do it again.

I have to agree with a lot of what marshmallow says. You want to move on but, just like the hysterical bonding ( I also did this) you can be so desperate to move on you get blinkers on. If you read your old thread back some of dh’s initial reactions to HIS betrayal were pretty awful. You got a unanimous LTB. He seemed to have a 360 turnaround after counselling but those initial reactions shouldn’t be forgotten and swept under the carpet. It’s how he felt and how he justified it. Just because he says sorry now and realised things, I don’t know, it feels like that should have come straight away and why didn’t it? Why didn’t he agree to your requests for change straight away too? He was extremely difficult when he should have been on his knees begging you for forgiveness.
That part sits uncomfortably with me and it also did with the other posters at the time.
If you can move forward I think it takes logic as well as heart. Analysis of what was said and done and not just forward looking and wanting to forget what was actually said when it first came out. I used logic more to leave. I loved my dp and my love was never going to enable me to leave , I had to use my brain and think about this words and actions to make a decision.

As long as you aren’t sugar coating it all in desperation to move on, fine. I do get marshmallows point that it’s important to look at the cold hard words and actions of your dh past and present

OK- there is a massive difference between explaining WHY people cheat and whether any of those reasons are understandable or forgivable. A reason is not an excuse.
And of course when someone does something wrong they will have reasons. And disecting exactly how those reasons don't make it okay are not enlightening.
@MarshmallowAra - all you are saying is that her DH only had himself to blame for feeling rejected and unlovable. He only has himself to blame for allowing those feelings to lead him to a bad choice. And that when a person makes a bad choice it's not good. But I'm afraid you lack imagination if you can't tell the difference between a bad choice and a bad person. There is usually a lot of repeating of bad choices in bad people. And you've not been told that.

OP - the revelation of infidelity can be shattering. But don't let people tell you they know your husband - because they are telling you about theirs!

all you are saying is that her DH only had himself to blame for feeling rejected and unlovable.

Oh no, I'm.not saying that at all.

I'm saying I have doubts he truly felt rejected/unlovable, and that truly was a major reason (or a reason at all) as to why he chose to have sex with the ow who'd made her interest/attraction to him known (even to the extent that op was award of it and jokes about it).

It's a typical cheater's narrative, and sometimes they convince themselves of it.

Apparently he's admitted that now (?) so what are the reasons he's given for his infidelity and what's he doing to change those reasons, if they can be changed.

*that op was aware of it a d joked about it

But don't let people tell you they know your husband - because they are telling you about theirs!

What utter nonsense.

Some posters aren't even married (or in ltr's). Some posters commenting have not been cheated on.

Perhaps people base their on more than one man in the world, perhaps they base them on common, repeated, well.acknowledged patterns of human behaviour.

There's a reason the cheater's script exists, there's a reason baggage reclaim and chump last etc exist. People's behaviour is rarely unique.

Oh and I see you're going for the typical MN "you're bitter and I bet you're ABC" line, as op started to imply too.

If you're not pro forgiving a cheater, you.iysf be a bitter, cheated in upon formed spouse/partner.

(Likewise if you question the behaviour of a separated man who's clearly as dodgy as fk, you must've a bitter ex etc etc etc), these responses as predictable as the sun rising).

I think he cheated because drugs+alcohol+ow hitting on him. I really doubt there was anything else going on but afterwards there’s all the justifying excuses about family life issues. Plenty of happily married guys do the same. Opportunity and weak willpower/care.
My worry would be that combo happening again and if he has the strength of character to resist. I guess that’s what giving up those substances and counselling and him going out socialising again will determine. I really think it’s nothing but time to work out if there’s a future or not.

No, we don't know her husband, we only know he's gone "off the rails" with drink & drugs, and that's he's been unfaithful to her with a woman she was aware of who was interested in him).

(And that his attitude left much to be desired in the aftermath of disclosing his infidelity).

That's sort of enough to go on.

It's arguable that not having years of history and intimacy with someone might leave you in as valid a position to judge as not having years of history & intimacy with someone.

*as having years of history & intimacy, obviously

@MarshmallowAra - everyone understands temptation ...everyone! The reasons why people succumbe are often complex. My take? There are a lot of things that have to some together. How vulnerable you are to the need it meets?. How easy would it be? What are the chances of being discovered? Less clear are thoughts like - how will I feel afterwards, will this be enough, will I become addicted, what am I willing to sacrifice?
In this case it wasn't an affair, it was an incident of infidelity - and labels like 'cheater' and 'the script' apply to affairs or serial infidelity don't they? Lie, deny, gaslight, re-write history etc? I don't think these are firmly established here.

I think OPs DH has a lot of work to do - I'd be as worried about the drink and drugs also. But are we looking at isolated response to distress or addiction. I think this really matters for OPs decision.

labels like 'cheater' and 'the script' apply to affairs or serial infidelity don't they?

Who decided that lol, you?

Same as you decided that everyone understands (I take it that means feel) temptation,on everyone else's behalf.

Lie, deny, gaslight, re-write history etc? I don't think these are firmly established here.

Do you not?
He's been gas lighting her about her behaviour, while he was "off the rails" contributing to him feeling unwanted and being a factor in him cheating. Who else would he be referring to - when he said he felt unwanted, and the ow made him feel wanted, so that's one of the reasons he had sex with her?

I haven't read the other thread in depth but I'd bet a tidy sum he's been doing the other things too.

(He also lied to her about the cheating incidentally - for how long? And it's not unreasonable to assume that one of the reasons he told her is just that he was aware of the ongoing risk the ow could tell her, or anyone else who was aware of it - people like to gossip).

My DH also had a ONS with a woman from work, OP, so I truly feel your pain and understand what you are going through. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, worse than any bereavement I've gone through, because it's so much more than a loss - it's betrayal and the tainting of all your happy memories together, the pain of imagining what he did, the humiliation. And the OW had gone around their place of work bragging about it to anybody who would listen, which even now fills me with rage. It is absolutely brutal. Why did he do it? Why does anyone. Because somebody showed an interest in him and it boosted his ego, because our DD had anxiety and was constantly sleeping in our bed so there wasn't much chance to be intimate (not my fault), because his mum had recently died and he was looking for a distraction from his grief, because I wasn't new anymore, who knows. Probably all of those things.

I found out about 6 months after the event. DH and I are still together. I am still suffering BUT I have noticed that it is improving gradually with time, it's just very slow. I no longer think about the act itself, though for the first 8-9 months it was like a video loop in my head, total torture. I think less often about how much I hate the OW, whereas before I would imagine pushing her off a cliff (and yes I know how MN always says it's the man's fault not the OW, and yes it is his fault, but the OW is also complicit, just less so - and my feelings are valid, they are what they are and I can't help them) - but this is partly because of the fact she bragged about it to people, it seemed so brazen and cruel, like a violation aimed at me. My feelings have evolved over time and continue to evolve, so my hope is that over time it will fade more. I think there was an element of DH taking me for granted before, but this has never happened since, I have clearly remained his top priority ever since and he is very very keyed in to my feelings, and always making sure I'm okay.

The truth is that I will never probably get over it, however, even if I moved on and met somebody new I would still now sleep with one eye open, because I have been cheated on 4 times by different partners, and I feel very damaged emotionally, it has changed me. And the truth is I am more afraid of being cheated on than I am of dying - dying would be easier. DH and I get on extremely well, we are a really good team, and I know he has learned a hell of a lot from this horrendous experience - enough I hope to never do it again. I would love to say that one day I will be able to relax enough to never think of it and to trust 100%, to have the comfort again of actually having peace of mind, but I know I will never be completely happy again because this has happened. I know that there are many people who cheat and who realise (too late) what a terrible thing it is and know in their hearts they will never do it again, but there is always somebody on the receiving end who is the collateral damage that happens while they go through this process of growing up and the penny dropping that it's not worth it. That's the sad thing, there are people who, having cheated and learned from it, know they will never do it again, but they have already caused so much damage by then.

My DH understands, as I have said very plainly, that if he stays faithful to me I will stay with him forever and love him faithfully and look after him when he's old and we, and our DD, will have a lovely, happy life together - I will stand by him through thick and thin. But if he sends so much as one inappropriate message to another woman I'm gone. There will be no more chances. If that ever happened I would be screwed financially as I only earn 16k a year and that is full time already, but I would still walk away because he'd already have had and wasted his last chance. I hope that never happens.

I know there are people who would never cheat - I know this because I'm one of them. I wish I had married one, but you don't know until you know.

@MarshmallowAra I'm not implying or speculating anything about your situation, I literally have no idea what your relationship experience is .
He was in a bad place through his own doing, his own selfishness and denial - this is an isolated incident in an otherwise happy marriage , he's a human being with feelings too and I think that it's easy to forget that when what he's done is so awful , but it's still true and he's the father of my children so taking absolutely everything in to account with MY situation I've decided - for now- to wait and see what he does - this doesn't mean I'm blinkered or naive - I feel a little bit like I'm being spoken to like I'm stupid here when I feel in control and I feel ok

@Magicpaintbrush thank you for sharing your experience and yes it does sound similar to mine . There is no room for error now moving forward ,One hint of any previous behaviours and we'll be getting divorced , and I'm so confident in that it feels almost empowering . I'm not going to tell him what to do and what not to do , I'm going to wait and see what happens and then I'll know

Magicpaintbrush
I know that there are many people who cheat and who realise (too late) what a terrible thing it is and know in their hearts they will never do it again, but there is always somebody on the receiving end who is the collateral damage that happens while they go through this process of growing up and the penny dropping that it's not worth it. That's the sad thing, there are people who, having cheated and learned from it, know they will never do it again, but they have already caused so much damage by then.

There is so much truth in your paragraph. Sadly the damage has been done. No amount of 'sorry's' can undo the damage and bring the betrayed back to a place of safety and trust.

Always, always, always the same.

The big words.

'if he so much as messages/looks at/does X again for a SECOND his arse would be out the door so fast and he knows that

they don't know it.

What they know is that they got away with it - their headds need to go down and they need to weather the shit but they're still in the home and still with their feet under the table.

While you get to never, ever feel secure again.

They know you want to stay with the status quo more than you want to not live with a cheat. For lots of good reasons, yes - kids, finances - all the big stuff.

It's why they did it, calculated risk - they know you too remember - they would guess, on balance, that if they got caught you wouldn't end it because you'd lose too much.

And trust. You don't 'rebuild' it. You learn to live without it. That's the definition of trust - you believe and trust that someone would not do X. Then they do X, so no, you know they could and have done X. The trust is gone. To then trust, to believe that they wouldn't do it again - um, no.

Put those two together. You stayed. You can then stride around all you like making proclamations to make you feel better - 'He knows that one false step now and he would be gone, no discussion, out!' - it's the bleakest thing I hear on these threads - thinking 'No. He now knows the opposite. And deep down you both know it.'

Yoniguy
Whilst you speak some truth, your words are harsh. Yes, trust is gone because as you say, how can you trust someone not to do what they have already done? Even if they are never unfaithful again, you will always remember they once were. Infidelity is excruciatingly difficult to deal with and I would not wish it on anyone. Most betrayed spouses already feel humiliated, duped and all the other horrible feelings that come with being on the receiving end of infidelity. They then reach out on forums and are called weak and naive for contemplating working on their marriage.

Life is hard and feels very unfair at times. Many spouses are dealing with damage they did not cause, at least not initially. Some choose to stay because they love their spouse, others because they will suffer financially and others because they do not wish to be alone.

I hope you never find yourself in such a position and if so are secure financially having the freedom of leaving without fretting about living a life of poverty.

@MarshmallowAra said 'understands' because I meant 'understands' - meaning - it's not a mystery!

I didn't decide anything- ask the question about using labels of cheater and the script because - it isn't clear they can be attributed to a confession of a single unsuspected incident of infidelity.

You don't understand gaslighting and you seriously underestimate the mental damage done to those that suffer it by making it the same as people rationalising thier behaviour.

@Magicpaintbrush - just thank you for your painful and honest account. The betrayal of infidelity is hugely hurtful and damaging - far more than those who have cheated and never been cheated on understand. It's nothing like teenage indiscretions or cross over relationships! It's genuine trauma and it stays with people. I really hope you find a way past it, but loss of trust is profound. My heart goes out to you.