Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

*unbearable

Thinking of you, Sal. Has he signed the papers?

No not yet - me and the kids haven't seen or spoken to him since the weekend

It’s bad he hasn’t seen his kids. I bet you’re feeling like this is 100% the right decision to split now @sal1223

Yes absolutely - 100%!

He's spoken to them now and seeing them tomorrow . I think bottom line to all of this is that he didn't love me , he may have thought he did or loved me a bit , but not enough because when you really love someone you cherish them and respect them , and want to protect them. He didn't do any of that since his affair , well since 6 months before really: he checked out and has used this now as his get out.
The fact that on top of everything -he's now had sex with someone so soon after separation proves it. He's been brutal and treated me appallingly.
Something has changed in me now . The least he sees the kids the better because he is not a good person (as hard as that is on them) he is or a good role model and will always put himself first .

He still pleads ignorance as to why i was so upset when he told me he'd slept with someone - you don't want me ?!? And I just don't know how to put it into words - I'm usually so articulate. It's something to do with the fact that I've been heartbroken.
I've agreed that he can take eldest 5 mins up the road tomorrow where they would usually have gone together for an ice cream- it was one of their things to do . I had to as child requested it while in the phone and actually being so close to our home I think it'll be fine - that's my limit though for now. I think he's on a bit of a downwards spiral now that will involve drink / drugs / women - which will me magnified when he eventually gets divorce settlement . So trial and error now , the slightest hint of being irresponsible and it'll be here at home only.
In other news I changed jobs and it was a great move into a slightly different sector that I get to be more me- I also have put together a template for an app that I'll be putting to the board of investors see if anyone wants in. Divorce party being planned as we speak too .
Thanks for all the support you've all given me on here , you're all amazing.
What a ride this has been !!

Great news about your new job and the app template you designed, Sal. You’re not just moving forward, you’re soaring!

You have perfectly summarized H’s atrocious behavior. He actually has many narcissistic traits, including lack of empathy and a massive sense of entitlement.

Your divorce party should be a blast. 🎉

Sal you really are inspiring. You’re looking after your dc and their best interests. You’re nailing your job and managing to swap roles and create an app. You’ve cracked on to get the divorce sorted. You should applaud yourself. You are such an amazing person and I don’t think someone like him ever deserved you. He sounds a self centred mess. He will be a lonely old man full of regrets. One day you will meet someone who is as fantastic as you and deserves you.
Keep strong and keep going x

Ps enjoy that party!

@Jigglywobbly @MsDogLady thank you ❤️

Contact went ok last night , gone an hour and had dinner- getting everything signed which I looked over for him (for me really!) so glad that he's getting on with that . Told the children we'd split who took it well - I drank a bottle of wine and txt him that the fact he has slept with someone so soon after would support the notion that he's been doing it all along - but I'll Never get the truth out of him so don't bother answering'' . Wish I hadn't but you know sometimes when you just want something said and out there - well that's it now I've promised myself no more convos , just kids / arrangements and legal stuff from now on. I have had a good day today , picked up a second hand massive climbing frame and slide which took 3 hours to take apart and then put back together 😅 and then cooked for 12 - loved it and am just having a pimms in the sun before we all have a bath and get to bed x

Been reading your thread from the beginning. I am going through similar myself and it’s great to hear you are doing well! Wishing you and the kids all the happiness you deserve

Well done Sal. Don’t worry about the text slip, it must be so hard not to dig at him after everything he’s put you through. You just know that lies come back or he’ll say something more hurtful.
Glad you’re socialising and enjoying the summer, each day that passes the pain will lessen and the sun will shine brighter

@sal1223 don't worry about the text too much, I go through the same notions of wanting to text about how shit all this has made me feel but in the end I just remind myself that just don't think my wife cares anymore so it stops me doing it. The emotional ups and downs are the worst.

What was that about ? 👇 deleted comment ?
Anyway I'm ok , he's not seeing slot of the kids - suits me as I said don't really want them around someone so awful. A memory came up from a date night 5 years ago where he looks like the man I married- kind fun big bear , compared to recent pics he looks hard and mean now - there's that quote RoalDahl about good thoughts will shine from your face like sunbeams / from the twits I think - and he is so projecting what he is now .

@SomewhatSalty I recognise your username - what you saying ?

If it's - I'm a mug , yeah ok sometimes you gotta go through it to believe it and I'm out the other side - nearly , I mean I'm not sad at the loss of him , I'm glad it's over and I'm not going to be spending / wasting another day of my life with an asshole . I'm feeling like everything that's happened has got me where I am so I'm a 'sliding doors' kind of way thank F for the things that have happened - if it hadn't been for you lot on here I may have never msg'd the other woman and found out the gravity of what went on xx

You all said there was more to this story - and there was , so F him and F her too and the F'ing horse they rode in on 🤣👊

Sal, I'm so sorry to hear this 💐

I’m glad you found your anger and it will get you through the coming weeks/ months. Hope you’re spending lots of time with friends and family. Do you have help with the kids to give you a break?

In my experience if you have lost reust then thats never coming back.

People are able to change, and he may well regret it and never do anything like that again. Which os a good learning curve for him. But for you, its not that easy because you may always live with doubt.

You sound so much stronger sal keep fighting you'll get there

You have your whole life ahead of you I know exactly what you mean about seeing someone's face change and a hardness creep in where you suddenly see who they are. He is exactly the sort of man who never ends up happy because no matter what he finds it will never be enough for him. You look after yourself