Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

Yes he did say he loved me , and I said 'not enough' or you wouldn't have done what you've done

You show your love in actions, his show the opposite

Hi this happened to me a long time ago. Except he told many lies at first denying everything. Only admitted when I had proof. I gave him another chance as we had 1 month old twins and other toddlers. But it hurt so badly and I never really felt the same again about him or trusted him.therefore I got myself back to university and got myself a career so I didn't have to depend again on a man.

Quite a few years later he cheated again and this time left for the OW. I believe there were others too. We had been as happy as any other couple in 20 plus year marriage. Some people are just selfish and weak which sadly he was and he was surrounded by a 'lads' culture at work. I think it can work if someone was genuinely sorry and telling the truth but in almost all situations I know they will cheat again.

@AutumnColours9 thanks for sharing - how awful if I stayed and it happened again, can't risk it x

@sal1223

He says we're doing the right thing splitting up and he hopes one day we can be friends

I'm a bit late to this but I've just read both your threads and think you've handled this so well and been really brave. A pp commented that they thought him telling you about being unfaithful was his 'easy way out'. I have to agree, him saying it's the best thing to split up makes me think he's got his eye on someone else or wants to be with ow

The only good thing I can think to say about this toss pot is that he is consistently horrible, no mixed messages.

He has a very high opinion of himself doesn't he? Imagine telling the woman who has loved you, the mother of your children, that you'd still be up for a shag after cheating on her and saying such awful things?

He thinks he's irresistible. He is going to get the shock of his life when he realises he has lost you op.

I'm going to get a divorce sorted ASAP , a couple friends have said you don't have to decide now see how you feel but I think I know that he'll never change now and we are not suited at all. I want someone that makes me feel safe , or I'd rather be on my own and we'd never be happy after he's tainted things like this so 🤷‍♀️

Go for it Sal, it’s the start of closure for you. Have you spoken to the solicitor and ensure you have your ducks in a row as they say?

Yep 👍 I know which way to go with this and think he'll agree x

I mentioned to him that the solicitor said not always 50:50 when one parent has the kids and he went mental saying I'm greedy and want to see him in the gutter , he cheated because of me , he did the right thing and told the truth - now he has nothing and doesn't know if he wants to be alive - said id call get him some help- flew off at how I want him ruined . Nightmare , and my friend is like wow - text book emotionally abusive

I agree with your friends. He doesn't like that you're starting to take control of your life and not dancing to his tune, or doing as you're told any longer.

Tbh I wouldn't bother speaking to him unless it's directly related to your ds. Let the solicitor sort it all out directly with him. If he threatens suicide ring the police. If he threatens you ring the police

Thing is if it goes to court he can claim in my business and more , I want a clean break now

Not many people end up in court as it's expensive and you have to go through solicitors and mediation beforehand.

The starting point is always 50/50, however his solicitor and the mediator will advise him and guide him. A part of your business might come into it, but then so do pensions, debts, houses, savings and also who is the resident parent too. You can still have a clean break whilst taking into consideration your business, it's not only what you have in your business account but also what debts you have in there too. He won't have a claim to ongoing money from your business as he's not given up work to look after your dc.

God it was awful - he was screaming like a crazy person 😖

Is he drinking/ on drugs ? Be thankful he’s not living with you anymore. This is all his fault yet he’s screaming at you. Twat

Says he wasn't - I think he's realising now fully that we're done . He said get it sorted this morning he'll have 50%

He said get it sorted this morning he'll have 50%

Mine said that when he realised how much cm he had to pay, suddenly he wanted the dc 50% of the time. I responded with 'yeah that's a great idea, I can really get my career moving, I can rejoin a gym, see my friends again. Guess what?? It never happened

I don't mind him seeing the kids here but I don't want him having them in his own - I dont want to provoke him kicking off but when he eventually broaches the subject what do I do?

Hi OP, I'd recommend avoiding talking to him as much as possible. If he tries to say anything in a message don't respond and if it is said directly to you, say you don't know and you'll be taking your solicitor's advice. Don't give any answers. If he kicks off, you need to ask him to go immediately and remind him that it is piss poor parenting to yell at you in front of the kids.

It would be best if he collected the kids and took them out somewhere (park etc) rather than seeing them in your home. Has your solicitor advised that you can change the locks now he has gone? If so, please do so. Another thing is to try to not be alone when he calls. If possible ask a friend to be there who can open the door to him while you are elsewhere as he is less likely to cause a scene in front of someone else. How about your DPs, particularly your DF?? Your Ex is doing the bullying bit now reality has set in but I doubt he really wants to do 50% of childcare - he didn't even manage that when he was at home as, by the sounds of it, he was often out having fun with his friends/colleagues. In a way, he was cheating on his kids too as he chose to spend time with others instead.

I think you are doing incredibly well in staying calm and dealing with all his crap and the mess he has made of everything for all of you. I'd avoid him as much as possible - he needs to learn that divorce means you don't have to see him or speak to him unless it is to hand the kids over and after they have grown to an age where they no longer need you to do this, you don't need to have anything to do with him at all.
Good luck

Thanks but with the kids and the way things are I do have to speak to him and would much rather he came here than took them anywhere . My goal would be to have an amicable relationship for the kids

I've just been reading back through the thread - my god I feel like a fool

Sal, your current preference for him to see the children at yours is reasonable and understandable. He has been such a loose cannon, and has threatened drug/alcohol binges. His taking them to a nearby park would be ideal if he were stable, but he isn’t. I’m wondering how he would cope if your youngest became upset while he had them out and about. You’ve said his new place isn’t suitable for visits by the children.

There’s no way that he’ll do 50%.

His recent comment that he is “looking out for number 1” sums up his attitude/behavior during the past 3 years and, I suspect, for much longer. He brutalized his marriage and family with his toxic selfishness and weak boundaries, then blew his chance for reconciliation with his dishonesty and emotional abuse.

Please don’t feel foolish. When he confessed, you believed he was being truthful and you proceeded accordingly. The shame is all on him.

Thanks @MsDogLady
I think a couple of you have misunderstood- I don't mean 50% custody - hell no . I was
Talking about assets

Oh so not bothered about 50% access to his kids but concerned about 50% of the money - sounds like him alright 🙄
You’ll be the main parent so I doubt it. What does your solicitor say?

She says go for it because we'll be done then purely in the house