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Original poster

Surviving infidelity

624 replies

sal1223 · 27/03/2021 10:40

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 27/05/2021 07:56

Ok, I did misunderstand.

Feelinghothothottoday · 27/05/2021 08:21

I’m so sorry to read this OP. I didn’t comment earlier because ultimately we all handle an affair differently and mostly with hope that we can recover from it. I was the same. My Ex H had a short affair. I don't know the specifics but it was a colleague, younger, no kids. I was told it was emotional and not physical but I will never know. I tried so hard to make out marriage work. But ultimately he wasn’t interested. He was like a teenage boy. Besotted. Threatening to take his life as he didn’t know what to do. In the end - after a few months I asked him to leave (or she asked him to move in with her - who really knows). I will never forgive him. Again he was a man who I thought would not stray. I could never trust him again - which would have been a big issue. He is still with the OW. She is luckier than me as he now works from home full time so no chance of him having another affair with a colleague!!

MsDogLady · 29/05/2021 22:52

Sal, how are you?

Original poster
sal1223 · 31/05/2021 19:31

@MsDogLady hey thanks for asking - I'm ok - it's nearly 3 weeks since he left and I'm glad . Had family around me and sorting out legalities . He'll be served the papers next week hopefully . He's been and it's being almost too cool - which is better than the alternative like I've said before. Hasn't seen loads of the kids but that suits me too , better an absent parent than a shit one . Just anxious to get agreement signed now and then I can start moving on xx

OP posts:
WobblyMelon · 31/05/2021 20:13

Glad you’re doing ok op x

MsDogLady · 01/06/2021 02:08

Thanks for updating, Sal. I’m glad that you’re surrounded by your supportive family and are moving forward. You’ve been through so much, but I recall you saying (first thread) that whatever happens, you will ultimately be happy. I believe that.

Keep us posted, Sal.

Original poster
sal1223 · 01/06/2021 08:40

@MsDogLady yeah I did say that and I do believe it - I also said somewhere that it's not that I'm upset it's over (although maybe a tiny bit) I'm upset that he's done this to me and the kids . But in reality he's not stepped up and we deserve better x

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 06/06/2021 13:14

Papers all been sent to sign , he's already having sex with people which is pretty gut wrenching and so disrespectful but I wouldn't expect any less

OP posts:
disconnected101 · 06/06/2021 14:01

He might be enjoying himself now but he'll regret it eventually when he realises what he has truly lost. Little consolation I know. Focusing on your kids as you have been will mean strong secure relationships for you & them & your time will come to enjoy yourself too. From what I can tell through your posts you've handled this incredibly well and been incredibly strong. You can hold your head high.

WobblyMelon · 06/06/2021 16:06

I can’t believe he’s having sex with others. He sounds out of control. It must reinforce to you that you have definitely made the right decision. Well done you. You’re going to look back and be so proud of yourself. Your kids are very lucky to have such a strong mum

MsDogLady · 06/06/2021 21:10

Hi Sal. I know that is a crushing blow. When you said last week that he was being ‘almost too cool’ around you and had not seen the children as much, I wondered if he had already started pursuing women. That’s really low. He is truly immature, unempathetic, and self-serving.

It’s good that the papers are out for signing. I admire your strength and fortitude, Sal.

zippityzip · 06/06/2021 21:47

@sal1223 That's going to sting like hell. It's actually quite sickening he can not only cheat but then when the rug is pulled from under his kids he's still thinking of his dick.

However - once time has healed, you'll be in a wonderful position to move on with your life, meet someone who truly deserves you. Actually be happy.

He, will still be chasing meaningless liaisons and shallow relationships. Pining for you in the loneliness.

And to boot, you're an amazing role model for your kids. I hope to god getting the papers signed means that you can get what you need to restart your life and the cunt doesn't make it too difficult and drawn out.

Original poster
sal1223 · 07/06/2021 01:04

Thanks all - I hope so too!
I've said my piece today , wish I hadn't now but no one else is giving him any truths.
As much as it does sting like hell I need to remember that I'm lucky to have seen the light - but Jesus Christ so soon. I knew this would happen but it's literally not even been a month . Urgh to think he was with someone last night - why does it affect me like it has when I know it's the right thing to do to divorce? Why am I so upset ? I don't want him

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 07/06/2021 02:59

Whatever you said to him, he deserved that and more.

You still love him, so of course this news wounds you. After all the trauma he’s inflicted since February, this is one more slash to your heart. He knows that. The pure selfishness of this man is mind-boggling.

I agree that he will lurch from one hollow experience to another, deeply regretting throwing away his greatest blessing. You, however, will go from strength to strength.

Whyknotwhatknot · 07/06/2021 11:20

Hope you are doing ok sal

Original poster
sal1223 · 07/06/2021 12:42

Thanks / hurting and tearful today imagining him with the woman 2 nights ago , makes me feel
Sick - he's destroyed mine and the kids family life and he's already out there F'ing people

OP posts:
Jigglywobbly · 07/06/2021 14:59

How on earth has he hooked up with someone already? Does he know them? How did you find out? I assume he’s telling you. He’s the biggest arse ever

Original poster
sal1223 · 07/06/2021 19:38

Yes he knows them - and yes he told me 🤮 I shouldn't have asked

OP posts:
Jigglywobbly · 07/06/2021 20:56

‘Them’?? I thought it was just one random woman he met on a night out. He’s disgusting op. Nothing would kill my love quicker than this behaviour. He will regret all this one day. Don’t ask him anymore and stay away from him. I know he visits for the kids but can he take them out locally. Start to distance yourself as much as possible.
You’re doing really well Daffodil

Letthefunandgamesstart · 07/06/2021 21:00

@sal1223

Yes he knows them - and yes he told me 🤮 I shouldn't have asked
Sal - been lurking on your thread for a while - remember it could all be a total lie - he could be as miserable as hell and he's feeding you BS - I've been where you are and it's rotten but you do come out the other end and it's a better place than where you are now - keep strong and my thoughts are with you x
Original poster
sal1223 · 08/06/2021 01:13

I didn't mean them I meant her , and yes he definitely did . Makes me question though how many while we were married , he finds it so easy - he is so easy! And so are the women .

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 08/06/2021 09:26

I can’t believe he’s having sex with others

Why not? He wasn't faithful when he was in a long-term marriage with op with a family ..... Why would he not have sex with other people when he:s separated from and not living with op or their kids!

You do have to wonder if his former work colleague was the only infidelity ... The off the rails period (and it sounds like he went out a lot even besides that) sounds quite ripe for infidelity, especially with his selfishness and entitlement. However you'll never know unless he confesses, which he's very unlikely to do because he knows it would make him look even worse to everyone, and there's no point in thinking about it when you've already got enough on your plate.

MarshmallowAra · 08/06/2021 09:27

he is so easy! And so are the women.

He's a separated man .. if they're single, it's up to them. It doesn't make them easy.

MarshmallowAra · 08/06/2021 09:28

If they're looking for something stable, they're foolish I suppose - because he's a recently separated man who was thrown out for cheating, and who moreover seems to have issues with alcohol and drugs .... But they possibly don't know that.

MarshmallowAra · 08/06/2021 09:31

And even if they do,no doubt he's spin doctoring like a pro to make you the nagging, unbeatable harpy and the marriage long gone, only there for kids etc etc blah blah.

I feel sorry for them, he's a mess. Only "good" for a fk, and even then he'd probably give you something.