Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

@feeficken thank you for sharing . Yes think I'm still in shock . I don't know that I'll ever get the whole truth , yes he said he loved her and how well they got on as friends first then one thing lead to another .
He's coming to see the kids later even though he doesn't really want to as so hard and upsetting , I pointed out once again it's not all about you

perhaps there are times its just all too unbelievable and while you might have times of clarity about what he has done its easier for those loving feelings to surface, does that sound about right?

Yep that's where I'm at - but I'm starting to feel angrier now

@LunaMay yeah sounds like it 🤮

Omg OP, you only had sex when you wanted too and he thinks that's wrong? Did he want you to have sex when you didn't want to? Does he know what that makes him?

I have gone through long swathes of not wanting sex (small children, exhausted, post-baby body etc) and my dh has managed not to have marathon Coke-fuelled sex with other women. I did 'try' briefly to be 'up for it' and he said that there was no part of him that wanted to have sex with me unless I was 100% ready. And it didn't matter how long it took for me to feel that way, he was happy to wait.

Your husband has to be the most self-pitying man on the planet.

Next time you speak to him tell him you are sorry for always knocking him back when he wanted sex, but you find him physically and emotional repulsive.

just cut the convo short if he starts again-dont ask anything about the affair dont talk about anything but the kids

if he keeps tryting just put the phone down

@GabsAlot that's the plan - mum was on again about how I should try and get the truth out of him but he won't tell me , it gives me anxiety thinking about there being more . She thinks it'll stop me ever consider getting back with him , I've told her I already know enough and he has treated me like I'm absolutely worthless - when I'm not I'm a good woman , who holds everything together , works and looks after the kids

The thing is, you can ask him 1000 times and he will only tell you what he wants to tell you and you have no way of knowing if it's the truth or not. Could you live like that? Do you honestly feel like that's the best you deserve?

I know we all have our own ways of dealing with these things but from the moment I fond out my h was having an affair, I didn't ask him one thing about it. I didn't want to know and I didn't want to be lied to or made to feel sorry for him. I have no idea how long it was going on (have a rough idea), no idea how many times they slept together ( or even if they did for that matter as I ever asked but I'm also not stupid), no idea what his 'reasons' were...none of that made any difference so I didn't want to torture myself any further by going over it all in my head. I know what I need to know - that he didn't respect me or his children enough not to cheat and that I am worth so much more than that.

Sending strength your way - I know you can't see a way out of the fog right now but it will clear if you give it time.

@Sunshineandflipflops thanks , his excuses of being lost and not thinking straight / not in the right mind are not good enough

We went on holiday in between and had a great time , didn't have sex though which is what he remembers

If I remember correctly he'd been out til the early hours the weekend before we'd left

[quote sal1223]@GabsAlot that's the plan - mum was on again about how I should try and get the truth out of him but he won't tell me , it gives me anxiety thinking about there being more . She thinks it'll stop me ever consider getting back with him , I've told her I already know enough and he has treated me like I'm absolutely worthless - when I'm not I'm a good woman , who holds everything together , works and looks after the kids [/quote]
yes no offence to your mum but you know enough it wont help you to carry on asking-time to move on now

Here's here and I'm staying well out of the way but my hands are shaking 😬

hope it wnet ok best to stay out of the way for now

Yeah was ok - I didn't cry this time and did stay out the way . I know it's for the best and I've just got to get through this but and listen to my head x

Feeling much stronger this morning - he's going to have a surprise next time he tries to give me any shit because when I think of the total mockery he's made of our marriage and our family it's getting me wound up

That’s the spirit Sal! keep strong, you are doing great. Good luck with your training too

I think one of the hardest things to cope with is the denial, going from thinking your relationship is special and strong and your love for each other will conquer all. For a good period of time (and still now and again) I think no we can get over this, this doesn’t happen to us, only to be snapped back to reality.

The other part is that constant unsettling feeling that your relationship is now totally shattered, I look at my DW and I see what looks like her but feel it’s not the woman I thought I knew. This will sound crazy but it feels like an outer body experience, that I am watching all this as a 3rd party, I don’t feel like we’ve just spent over 20 years together it’s like that’s all just been wiped out and we’re two strangers.

@sal1223 this experience is traumatic and that’s no understatement, you really are doing very well and what your feeling is totally valid. It will take time and yes sometimes we need to listen to our heads before our hearts. You sound like a loving loyal woman so keep your head up and keep going.

Thanks - full glam today too (warpaint) tho knots helped 👊❤️

*think it's helped 🤡

It will help. It will be a struggle at first and you will have bad days, but they will get less and less and the better days will become more frequent. It just takes time but you will get there. You're better off without him.

Hope today went ok Sal !

Yeah went ok thanks - eldest very upset tonight which broke my heart , youngest no idea what's going on and is non-verbal. They still think he's having to work nights . Any suggestions how to navigate this horrible part in break-ups?

I've spoken to him tonight and said after a difficult first week I think he needs to seen them quite a bit the next couple weeks and then reduce it slowly to something more manageable and regular / arranged . Not got into anything else with him - it would seem he's realising he won't be back anytime soon as he's throwing himself into fixing up where he is .

I don't see how I could go back , I know that if I did I'd never be truly / authentically happy. My friend said buckle up coz once he's knows it's really the end he'll be moving on quick 😬 where's Jason Mamoa when you need him

@feeficken thanks for the kind comments and thanks for sharing , it's about deciding enough is enough .

Sal, I’m glad you had a productive work day. I agree that gathering your gumption and being proactive at work can also strengthen your personal resolve and invigorate your fierceness.

You are a fabulous, loving woman who has given your absolute all to your marriage, family and work. You gave this man a beautiful life, but, as you said, he made a mockery of everything.

You were smart to keep your distance yesterday. Shut down all but chats about the children. His gushing about OW was beyond the pale. He obviously wanted to cut you to the quick as punishment for sending him away. Don’t give him further opportunities to bludgeon you.

Your eldest will eventually adjust, but his (I think you said ‘he’ earlier) distress must be gutting for you. You were wise to encourage H to see the children frequently now and then taper to a structured schedule. A schedule and stable routine will help your son know what to expect, which can provide a sense of control for him. Your youngest would also benefit from the above plan, if he/she feels confused. (Can you share their approximate ages?) As for telling your son that daddy will be living in a new house, you will know what to say and when to say it, because you know and love your boy. Will H’s new place accommodate visits from the children?

Sal, you’ve had to endure blow after blow, but you’re getting stronger and you will prevail.