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Original poster

Surviving infidelity

624 replies

sal1223 · 27/03/2021 10:40

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 17/05/2021 12:43

It's just so starting to sink in now I suppose

OP posts:
RedStiletto · 17/05/2021 12:46

You couldn’t seriously get passed all this could you?!!

Original poster
sal1223 · 17/05/2021 12:53

No don't think so

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 17/05/2021 13:02

But maybe I should have tried incase we could have been ok - then the kids would have their family as it was

OP posts:
ThePluckOfTheCoward · 17/05/2021 13:18

Sal, maybe you should see a counsellor to help you navigate your feelings around this 2nd betrayal, it might help you see your way through all the conflicting emotions.

For what it's worth, when you first posted and thought it really was a ONS three years ago I really didn't think it was worth ending a good marriage over, I know a lot of people would feel differently, but I would not have ended a strong marriage over one night. However, his actions since have completely changed my mind. He is a once man pity party, a master manipulator and sounds a thoroughly unpleasant person. I suspect that later on you will realise that this behaviour has been going on all through your marriage, indeed you've already referred to some of it in your posts.

I think talking things through with a professional will help you to see that there really is no going back, due to his appalling behaviour since the confession. He has made no real and sustained effort to save this marriage. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Original poster
sal1223 · 17/05/2021 13:37

I really don't want to sit and talk it through with someone again. I need to remind myself of the fact he may never have told me the full extent had i not contacted OW and he'd have allowed me to keep trying to forgive him while still living a lie

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 17/05/2021 18:35

yes thats how you should think-he would never have told you the truth you had to find it out yourself your whole marriage would have been a lie

kids do adapt in the end or there wouldnt be any divorces

MotherofTerriers · 17/05/2021 18:51

If he texted or messaged to say that he was going to take drugs, keep the message as evidence in case he wants more residency of your children than you are happy with

Original poster
sal1223 · 17/05/2021 20:04

I have to wear a suit and train 5 people Wednesday when I've lived on toast and Prosecco for 7 days FML 😖

OP posts:
RedStiletto · 17/05/2021 20:13

It’s amazing what you can do with some adrenaline. You’ll push through it. At least it’s only one day and you can flop at the end of it.
Can you eat a bit more tomorrow?
If you’re really not up to it can you speak to your boss and get some support ?

PandaLady · 17/05/2021 20:43

I honestly think that once the feelings of shock and grief have subsided, you'll start to find your husband as repellent as we do.

I know this will hurt, but I thought somewhere at the beginning that he told you about 'accidentally' fucking someone else because he wants you to end the relationship. Other people's sympathy and pity matter more to him that you and his kids.

He is rotten to the core.

MarshmallowAra · 17/05/2021 20:48

For what it's worth, when you first posted and thought it really was a ONS three years ago I really didn't think it was worth ending a good marriage over

Reading between the lines, it's not a good marriage. Op has been carrying him and tolerating shit behaviour. It seems like an unequal, unfair dynamic.

I didn't think it was the right decision even before op discovered the other stuff (and it was hard to believe it was a ons too).

MarshmallowAra · 17/05/2021 20:54

@sal1223

I have to wear a suit and train 5 people Wednesday when I've lived on toast and Prosecco for 7 days FML 😖
That's a major food group - carbs, and prosecco is mostly water 😉. Better than many manage.

You're a fulltime essentially lone parent at the moment because of him, not eating properly because of him, not able to do your work normally because of him .... And he's wallowing in self pity and planning drugs binges etc.

MarshmallowAra · 17/05/2021 20:56

Tbh he's making the list for most hated on here, and that's saying something.

Original poster
sal1223 · 18/05/2021 07:32

Had a conversation last night - grey rock is easier said than done at this early stage. Seems to be all about sex for him, that's what it comes back to - I always knocked him back (tired from babies or he'd been a knob) it was only ever when I wanted it - he wanted to feel desired and it was fun with her. I was never open enough sexually, she was exciting and experimental but in the end he chose me and the kids - thanks 👍

OP posts:
Mrgrinch · 18/05/2021 07:37

What an arsehole. Why is he saying things like that to you? I would go no contact with him for your own mental health OP. His making himself a victim is pathetic.

RedStiletto · 18/05/2021 08:37

If you keep talking to him, it will erode your self worth and you’ll probably end up taking him back. Not really sure what to say. You’ve had lots of advice to grey rock but you keep coming back after more deep chats where he takes zero responsibility and blames you. It’s frustrating. You need to find your anger and strength, think of your kids and how much he’s let them down not just you. You need to start getting tough with this and drawing a boundary with him.

RedStiletto · 18/05/2021 08:43

I was on your first thread on this and all the way through ( nc) I said it wasn’t a ons, more to it, felt he was a liar etc as did others but you didn’t really listen to any of us. It’s not a told you so, it’s just important to listen to those on a forum who have been there and seen it all before. There were some telling you to try again and it was just a ons. Fair enough you wanted to work on your marriage. Now 100% of us are advising you to stop talking to him about all this and keep it to the kids. We can see what he’s doing! Please listen! You know it all surely, what’s left to find out. He’s going to blame you. He’s awful and he would not get another second of my time.

MarshmallowAra · 18/05/2021 10:16

@sal1223

Had a conversation last night - grey rock is easier said than done at this early stage. Seems to be all about sex for him, that's what it comes back to - I always knocked him back (tired from babies or he'd been a knob) it was only ever when I wanted it - he wanted to feel desired and it was fun with her. I was never open enough sexually, she was exciting and experimental but in the end he chose me and the kids - thanks 👍
None of those are valid reasons for cheating.

You had small kids, his kids.

He was off the rails/being a knob/acting shiftily .. you weren't super enthusiastic about sex as a result of his behaviour. Totally understandable and reasonable.

Neither are excuses.

He should have acknowledged it's tough with young kids and stopped acting like a knob.

It all just seems like justification for his choice to do what he wanted to do, shag his work colleague who was into him.

He makes it sound like you should be grateful that he chose you and your family in a competition that you didnt even know you were in and shouldn't have been in.

There are some serious moral/integrity issues with this guy and i doubt they're going to change.

He didn't have to cheat, he chose to. There was nothing unusual or unreasonable about your behaviour ... And he was causing much of the lack of enthusiasm on your part.

He's just very immature and selfish and lacks integrity.
He's fucked up your family; it's on him.

He continues to demonstrate those traits with the immature, irresponsible, petulant, extreme statements around drugs etc.

MarshmallowAra · 18/05/2021 10:19

And all the self absorption and self pity and woe is me shit.

Yet you're the one acting as fulltime parent to.your kids while trying to cope with the pain of his infidelity and deception and what's happening to your marriage and family in its current form .. while trying to hold down a job.

Grrrpredictivetex · 18/05/2021 11:28

@sal1223 on your previous thread did I read this OW is now in a relationship with another woman about to get married? If so she obviously wasn't very impressed with him sexually.
Sorry he's still making this all about him and it being your fault, if that's not a cure to 'unloving' someone I don't know what is.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 18/05/2021 13:09

Well now he is free to have as much "exciting and experimental" sex as he likes, isn't he? The dickhead.

HeeHeeHeeHeeHaa · 18/05/2021 13:13

So sorry op. I thought he said he fell in love? That's not just sex. Don't let him hurt you any more. Go no contact for a few days.

feeficken · 18/05/2021 13:36

@sal1223 oh reading your posts I can very much relate and I really do feel for you, most of us have said it that if someone cheated on us we would kick them to the curb but in all honesty reality is so much different! Sad part is as the betrayed we are willing to accept so much hurt to save our "marriages" and if our OH don't recognise that its doomed. I sense you are where I am right now, I have been fighting for my marriage after my DW started a relationship with a co-worker and for over a year she has come back and forth between the marriage and OM.

I suspect right now you haven't fully processed the depth of the betrayal, and perhaps there are times its just all too unbelievable and while you might have times of clarity about what he has done its easier for those loving feelings to surface, does that sound about right? as others have said the more time you spend out of communication the better it will be for you and your brain can start fully processing your feelings. I like you was very reluctant to speak to a councillor but honestly its really has helped me process a lot of feelings and understand why I would accept such poor behaviour so don't fully discount it. Stay strong and look after yourself.

LunaMay · 18/05/2021 14:25

@sal1223

Had a conversation last night - grey rock is easier said than done at this early stage. Seems to be all about sex for him, that's what it comes back to - I always knocked him back (tired from babies or he'd been a knob) it was only ever when I wanted it - he wanted to feel desired and it was fun with her. I was never open enough sexually, she was exciting and experimental but in the end he chose me and the kids - thanks 👍
Wow so she must of been quite open and experimental the whole 2 times they did it? He's a knob.