Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surviving infidelity

624 replies

sal1223 · 27/03/2021 10:40

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 20/05/2021 08:12

I’m glad the work day went ok Sal. I’m sorry you had an upset child in the evening.
Have you said that he’s working away? When do you think you will sit down an explain that you are not getting back together? I’ve not had dc when I went through my split but I’m sure there will be some very knowledgeable ladies with advice on this conversation. I’ve seen previously both parents being involved in that conversation to reassure the dc nothing much will change and they still love them , it wasn’t their fault and sometimes adults split up etc it’s so very hard and I think when your dc are through this stage and more settled it will make it easier for you. At the moment you have the weight of everything upon you. Well done for your strength in the face of all of this. They are so lucky to have such a strong mum in their corner

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 09:10

Thanks , they think he's working nights and incredibly busy at the moment because of covid . Yes plan was to sit down together when things are absolutely final , which I think they are I just can't bring myself to say it yet really I don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 09:12

One of my 'so called friends' who knows we've separated has already let him know she's available anytime shoulder time cry on etc 🤮 but says she was just being nice .

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 20/05/2021 09:31

Does she know what he did?? She’s your friend and telling him he can lean on her? I would be so angry! no loyalty

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 20/05/2021 09:39

but says she was just being nice. Of course she was😡. Oh well, at least you know not to confide in her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 09:44

@sal1223

One of my 'so called friends' who knows we've separated has already let him know she's available anytime shoulder time cry on etc 🤮 but says she was just being nice .
What the fuck?! Did he tell you that?

What a horrible woman if it's true. An ex friend now, I hope.

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 13:37

No she did and I said oh let's see what was said - ffs honestly offering it up on a plate . If you knew the context of who she is you'd all be horrified but it would give too much away if I went into it .
I need to try and remember why I'm upset , which isn't because I he's gone (maybe slightly) but I'm upset and tearful of how appallingly he has treated me and the kids and how he didn't love or cherish us enough

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 20/05/2021 13:45

good for you sal dressing yourself up is said gto be good for you confidence

your friend doesnt sound very trustworthy i would cut ties with her

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/05/2021 14:03

@sal1223

Fuck me, your 'friend' sounds like an absolute prick. She's shown her true colours there and I would be absolutely blocking her out of my life if I were you. What a snake! And also how embarrassing for her that she send such a faux supportive / flirty message to someone who has behaved so disgustingly. Sorry, you deserve better friend than her Thanks

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 14:05

Yeah I know 😣 can't get her blocked and out my life just yet tho 😤

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 20/05/2021 14:39

When me and my ex separated, I told him that the conversation with the kids was not one I was having on my own so he came round the next day and we sat them down and told them. They were 9 and 11 at the time.

I won't lie, it was awful. We all cried and we hugged the kids and told them we loved them and that they would still see lots of us both but that we weren't making each other happy anymore.

That was horrible because as far as the kids and I were aware, we were happy. We had a lovely life but just obviously not lovely enough for him.

Over 3 years on and we are doing ok. Thankfully he is a better dad than he was a husband and he had kept to an arrangement of having them EOW and 1/2 nights in the week.

Separation/divorce doesn't have to ruin kids lives if you can out your grievances with each other to one side for the sake of them.

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 16:07

After everything that's happened I don't know how happy I would be him having the kids overnight , it's not suitable where he is at the moment and not accessible after 11pm if there was an emergency

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 20/05/2021 16:41

I think while he’s questionable with drugs and his mental state it would be a no to overnight. I wouldn’t even be that keen on him driving them anywhere.

Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 16:54

Yeah exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 18:28

@Rubyreddiamond

I think while he’s questionable with drugs and his mental state it would be a no to overnight. I wouldn’t even be that keen on him driving them anywhere.
No sure how I would EVER know what his situation is in the future , look at how good he is at lying 😳
OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 20/05/2021 18:31

@MsDogLady kids are 5 & 8

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 20/05/2021 18:33

I know, it’s really not great is it. Just make it clear he’s not to do drugs/drink before or during visits.

Original poster
sal1223 · 21/05/2021 06:26

Terrible visit last night , spoke a bit about money and he said he's basically out for number 1- and do I want to see him in the shit now as revenge? Then took it back - was like Jekyll & Hyde . Starting to hit home now , even questioned my capabilities with the kids twat . Then again apologised. I reminded him this is all HIS fault . My mum wants me to tell my dad what he's done , because it's not fair certain people know why he's moved out ie his parents / family and boss - and my own dad doesnt 😖

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 21/05/2021 10:59

Wow really showing his real colours now. As often said on here - are you seeking legal advice to make sure you’re protected, taking half of money in shared accounts etc? Look after yourself and the dc as he’s obviously a very selfish person.
Why don’t you want to tell your dad?

Original poster
sal1223 · 21/05/2021 11:22

Because I'm worried if he bumped into him it could kick off

OP posts:
espressoontap · 21/05/2021 11:22

@sal1223

Terrible visit last night , spoke a bit about money and he said he's basically out for number 1- and do I want to see him in the shit now as revenge? Then took it back - was like Jekyll & Hyde . Starting to hit home now , even questioned my capabilities with the kids twat . Then again apologised. I reminded him this is all HIS fault . My mum wants me to tell my dad what he's done , because it's not fair certain people know why he's moved out ie his parents / family and boss - and my own dad doesnt 😖
I've just caught up as this thread keeps disappearing. What an arsehole Sadhe's not your responsibility now, this is all his doing. You are bound to grieve but you deserve so much better. Your children will adapt. I hope you are ok x
espressoontap · 21/05/2021 11:23

Tell your dad. You need people in your corner Thanks

Original poster
sal1223 · 21/05/2021 11:25

Dads pretty feisty tho 😖

OP posts:
Rubyreddiamond · 21/05/2021 11:25

I’d tell your dad but say you don’t want any fighting etc as that will make everything worse for you

espressoontap · 21/05/2021 11:26

@sal1223

Dads pretty feisty tho 😖
So hard. If you asked him not to be violent would be do that?
Swipe left for the next trending thread