Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

I’m sorry to hear this Sal but I absolutely do know that you’ll be OK.

Thanks all ❤️

They will be upset but they will get used to it in time and so will you

Oh, Sal, you must be shocked to the core with disbelief. I admire your sincere efforts at reconciliation and am sorry that his ‘transparency’ was false. He chose this path. His sense of entitlement to have an affair, lie and manipulate have destroyed your marriage.

You are deeply grieving, but you and your two darling children will go from strength to strength. I agree with Lynn that you are an ace mother. You three are going to be okay.

I will be thinking of you way over here in the U.S. 🌷

At least you have the knowledge you tried to fix things.

Thanks 🇺🇸 I still love him though so it's really painful , I'm worried about him , doubt he's worrying about me . I don't know that hand on heart I tried enough but it's been an emotional rollercoaster - he's been in limbo not knowing if I want him one day to the next . But bottom line is he lied and lied again

Just read your other thread OP.

Awful awful man.

I know you repeatedly said in your other thread that you know he's telling the truth about it being one time. He's taken complete advantage of your trust.

You sound so strong and able to wish him well despite what he's done.

Take it slow, hour by hour.

Yes, you have absolutely been on an emotional roller coaster, and he put you there. Now he is complaining that he has been in limbo. That’s rich. You, as the injured party, have been struggling in limbo while trying to process your emotions and find your equilibrium. He, as the cheater, needed to accept your feelings of uncertainty. He had no right to make demands and put a time limit on your struggles. Three months is no time in infidelity recovery.

You allowed him to stay and gave him your faith that he was being truthful. You participated in couples counseling and made other efforts. Really, though, it was his responsibility to make the proactive efforts, including complete honesty, transparency, acceptance of your upset and uncertainty, working on himself, and NC with OW. It appears that he failed all around.

Sal, please don’t dwell on his recent contemptuous accusations. He was lashing out abusively when his tower of lies was crashing down around him. He knows that you’ve been a devoted and loving partner, but he has not. He knows that you haven’t made him feel lesser. He’s done that to himself...and to you. How diminished did you feel when he prioritized partying instead of being there for you and the children? How reduced have you felt by his infidelity and deception? He is very manipulative and certainly has a knack for self-serving drama, projection, and blame shifting. I don’t think you’ve heard the end of that.

Sending you strength, Sal.

You have to use your logic and your anger to power theology this now. You loved who you thought was an honest person. He’s lied so much, he’s someone else now and can never be trusted again.
Do you have support around you ? You need to lean on others in rl as well as here. Keep going to counselling and work through your grief. Can anyone help with the kids to give you a break ?
You sound like such a wonderful person and good things will happen for you again

Through

I'm sorry to her this.

My husband and I separated 3.5 years ago after I discovered his affair. I was devastated and I won't lie, those first few weeks into months were horrible but I have come out of it stronger than I ever knew. Our kids were 11 and 9 when it happened and when we told them they were heartbroken as they had never seen us so much as argue. We didn't tell them the truth because I didn't think they were old enough to understand and despite everything, I didn't want them to hate their dad or it to affect their relationship with him going forward. I have told my ex though that if they ever ask now they are older why we separated then I won't lie to them. That's on him, not me.

I couldn't bear to look at him for along time but we are now amicable and have always put the kids first. They have still never seen us argue and believed we were 'friends' from the outset.

My point is, I loved him with everything I had but sometimes it's just not enough is it? It is possible to co-parent and be amicable...even friendly down the line but right now you need to let yourself grieve for your marriage and for the man you thought you knew and loved. The upset, the anger, the hurt...all of it. It will get easier, I promise xx

I'm new to your thread @sal1223 but have read most of your replies from your earlier posts. Sorry to say that before I even got to the most recent update, I had a feeling that you would be back with an update.

I can tell you really wanted to hit reset and try and get past it, but good on you for having the self respect to stand true to your threat of booting him if there was anything more than a one night stand. I do feel like he was minimising his actions based on your previous posts. It will be hard with the kids for now, my siblings had a similar reaction when my DFF (dickhead fuckface) left. Now they are much older and understand what he did, they can't stand the sight of him. He has betrayed them as much as he has betrayed you. As you say, business head on, and get through one day at a time. Focus on your self care and the children. What a fucker he is x

Sorry to read your update, but at least you know now and you won’t waste any more time believing someone who lies to you. To believe him and keep trying to make the marriage work, and then find out that he was deceiving you would be even worse. Now you are free of the deception and he is showing you who he really is - which is not the person you thought you were married to. That person is gone forever and the relationship you will have with him (at least for the children) is going to be a different one to the one you had thought it would be.

It will take time to adjust to this, but you will come through it and one day, have moved on to the point where it is just some memories. And you can have a good conscience, you tried to make the marriage work. Thinking of you.

to be honest, if he cannot cope with the 'limbo' after only 3 months, then his heart isnt really in it. And its not as if he really tried to do anything to help along the way, or he gave it lip service but didnt really want to follow through.

It can take a long long time to work through infidelity and betrayal, and 3 months is nothing. Pushing you to fogive, forget and move forwards as before with everything swept under the carpet is a big red flag, as you have found out.

So dont waste time feeling sorry for him because you were not able to process this to his timescale. This is all his doing.

And you gave him a chance, and you tried counselling, but he only seemed interested in keeping his word whilst it wasnt an option (because of covid) I really suspect, from his very first poor me pity party, that he wanted out from the start.

He's looking at a place locally today and then seeing the children later . I feel sick

He says he loves me and I know everything now - of course
And that's why the last few months have been hard because he was still not telling the truth

I'm so sorry sal. You don't deserve any of this.

Did he actually do anything you asked of him to help you decide on continuing your marriage. He was going to prove something about that to you. Did he make any efforts at all?

Yes I suppose he has , he's been helpful and supportive and good with the kids , been staying home

Op I hope you don’t reconsider ending it. I can’t believe he’s still talking about how the last few months were hard for him. Most self absorbed person ever. Keep strong.

But part of his agreement to making it up to you was to be totally honest and he didn't do that. I think you've been so strong and so gracious and kind to him and he's proven that he doesn't deserve another chance, but you can look back knowing you handled this really well and with great dignity. He fucked up and wasn't brave enough to own it properly, only the bits he thought you'd find out about and not more. He's the script cliche

sal - I feel for you. I know exactly how you feel. I posted earlier on in your thread. My ex had an affair for a 6 month period. I found out accidentally when we were on holiday. Cheaters very rarely tell the entire truth straight away as they want you to keep the door open for them.

My ex did this - when confronted initially he said it was an emotional affiarn - no sex. I contacted the OW who told me it had gone on for a few months and it involved sex and trips out when I thought he was at work. I had him back to try and make it work especially as we have a dd - but I just couldn't look at him in the same way.

I'm five months on after ending it for good. It feels like the person I spent so much of life with is dead. I don't know this new person. But at least I tried.

It does get easier and whilst it may not seem like it now you will have a bright future. I was once told that the end of a relationship is like a grieving process and can take up to 18 months to feel like yourself fully again. Just focus on yourself and the children. Just get through one day at at time at the moment.

My ex by the way has turned into a very unpleasant person who if I had the chance of meeting him as a stranger again, I certainly wouldn't want him even as a friend. You deserve better!

@sal1223 sending you a handhold and some . I hope you have family and friends around you and the children for support. You can hold your head high you did everything you could to hold your marriage together, but he was determined to pull it apart. Take none of the blame for this and please speak to people if you need support, don't be afraid or ashamed to speak out, you do not have to protect his reputation when he has hurt you so much.

I have to say goodbye to someone I love - I've never had to do something as hard in my life and don't know if I can . I have to keep reminding myself of the horrible stuff

It does get easier and whilst it may not seem like it now you will have a bright future. I was once told that the end of a relationship is like a grieving process and can take up to 18 months to feel like yourself fully again. Just focus on yourself and the children. Just get through one day at at time at the moment.

This, although I don't think I will ever feel like the 'myself' I was before it happened because something like this changes you forever. At least it has me. Mostly in a good way - I've found out how strong and capable I am and I have put our kids first when he hasn't - but in other ways too...i will never give everything of me to someone else. I will never go into another relationship as naive and trusting as I did with my ex.

Just as your husband has changed, experiences in life change us and that's ok. You don't have to spring back to being who you were before this and you definitely have to grieve as you would had you had a bereavement because you have...your marriage and life that you knew and expected has ended. But there can be a whole new, exciting one ahead of you in time.

Thanks - I'm worried I'm going to cave when I see him 😪