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Original poster

Surviving infidelity

624 replies

sal1223 · 27/03/2021 10:40

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

OP posts:
Seadad · 02/04/2021 12:21

Just offering my best wishes to you OP. Give yourself time and be prepared for feelings to sway one way and the other. I'm shocked at the way some posters seem to think they know your DH - can say what he's thinking and more...they don't!
In all this - infidelity is devastating. But half of all infidelites do not result in divorce. The point is to make it worth staying.
The positives (if that term can be used?) - it was a single occasion, he's confessed, he appears genuinely remorseful and wants to make marriage work.
The negatives? Infidelity casts a long shadow and is something that will never completely dissapear.
I admire your strength OP and your ability to see good and bad in people. Good luck x

Faith50 · 02/04/2021 14:09

Yetmorecrap
It is hard when you are several years past discovery and still unsure of whether to stay in the marriage. The more you stay, the more years you invest, the more you feel it will be difficult to leave. As some posters have said, there is no end date if you choose to leave. There are some who leave immediately and those who leave 5, 10, 15 years down the road. I tell myself there is no cut off and my future plans do not need to make sense to anyone else. At times when staying you are healing, building yourself back up, getting your finances in order, deciding on what you want which will change over the years etc.

I am a decisive person and struggled being in a place of 'taking each day as it comes'. I hated it with a vengeance. Now, I am content (ish) with being here today, knowing I can change my mind at any given time. I will not feel guilt or obligation if a time comes that I want out. I will know that I have tried. I will know it was not for nothing, yes I may have 'lost' some years and prolonged the process but that is a decision I will have to live with. Just as people have to live with other decisions they make.

We need to be kind to ourselves whatever we choose to do.Flowers

Original poster
sal1223 · 02/04/2021 19:57

@Seadad thanks ✌️ xx

OP posts:
BobLemon · 12/05/2021 13:29

Saw your update on your other thread, Sal! It made me make a noise out-loud! I’m so sorry Flowers

Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 13:38

Thanks - I'm gutted , feels like I'm finding out all over again

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 13:39

Update - things had been ok and then he told me he'd rung her 'for closure' so after lots of arguing I contacted her and it happened twice - not once so he'd gone now and I'll be filing for divorce

OP posts:
blueangel19 · 12/05/2021 14:01

Omg so sorry OP. I hope you find strength. After such a lack of respect there is nothing else to do but move on. You would have never trust him again.

LittlePearl · 12/05/2021 14:02

I'm so sorry to hear this sal, how awful for you.

I had hoped you would be able to find a way through this but if the latest admission is the final nail in the coffin I can only say I wish you all the best for the future and hope things work out well for you Flowers

blueangel19 · 12/05/2021 14:05

Trusted

Mrgrinch · 12/05/2021 14:31

I was reading your other thread and it's now full. I'm so sorry OP. I can't believe that lying bastard did it twice and after all this still couldn't be honest about that. He doesn't deserve you or your family.

Ladybirdkiss · 12/05/2021 15:10

I’m sorry @sal1223 I hope the people on the other thread can find this one as it’s full.
I can’t believe he’s lied so much.
So it wasn’t a drunken one night stand after all. He’s the worst of the worst for putting you through yet more lies and cannot be trusted again. You’ve done everything possible, giving him chances to be honest, do counselling etc and he’s lied and thrown things in your face - like he might have loved her and it’s all your fault.
Have you told him you are divorcing him? I hope he doesn’t try anymore pity shows and talk of suicide etc

MrsDoctorDear · 12/05/2021 15:17

Before and after your 'wonderful' holiday. What a sneaky devious cheating bastard. How do you know what's true anymore?

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 15:30

He is such an idiot. I'm so sorry.

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 15:37

He is such an idiot. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 15:52

I think he knew there was a chance I'd forgive a one off : meant nothing isolated incident - which I might have , but this was an affair and he says he fell in love with her , but chose me . That I can't forgive and it took me contacting her to get the truth . I'm so upset because I love him. This is too much though he's broken my heart twice , says he was trying to protect me . So the lie he 'couldn't live with' was a lie and actually he could have lived with me not knowing he'd had a 2 month affair , fallen in love and slept with her twice - if I hadn't contacted her I would never have known

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 15:53

I think he knew there was a chance I'd forgive a one off : meant nothing isolated incident - which I might have , but this was an affair and he says he fell in love with her , but chose me . That I can't forgive and it took me contacting her to get the truth . I'm so upset because I love him. This is too much though he's broken my heart twice , says he was trying to protect me . So the lie he 'couldn't live with' was a lie and actually he could have lived with me not knowing he'd had a 2 month affair , fallen in love and slept with her twice - if I hadn't contacted her I would never have known

OP posts:
Ladybirdkiss · 12/05/2021 16:29

I’m sorry @sal1223 I hope the people on the other thread can find this one as it’s full.
I can’t believe he’s lied so much.
So it wasn’t a drunken one night stand after all. He’s the worst of the worst for putting you through yet more lies and cannot be trusted again. You’ve done everything possible, giving him chances to be honest, do counselling etc and he’s lied and thrown things in your face - like he might have loved her and it’s all your fault.
Have you told him you are divorcing him? I hope he doesn’t try anymore pity shows and talk of suicide etc

HollowTalk · 12/05/2021 16:53

I hate to say this but I think there's going to be more. If he'd slept with her once then realised he'd made a huge mistake, that's more understandable. But twice? What stopped him the third time?

Nobody admits to everything at first. I think she upped the ante by telling you about the second time, but don't trust her to tell you the complete truth.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/05/2021 17:02

I'm so sorry @sal1223 you were so gracious and kind to him and despite that he chose to still not disclose the full story to you himself so you could make an informed decision.

All because he knew if you were fully informed you would break up with him. But he still did what he did and still continued to lie to you even once you were open to working on the marriage.

He is so incredibly selfish and you are so incredibly better off not being in a relationship with him anymore.

He needs to focus on as amicable (I know it's so tough) a split as possible and on coparenting together, but I would assume he's currently doing puppy dog eyes and poor me / what have I done / I was trying to protect you etc? Men like him seem to think they are the hard done by party in these situations of their own creation, it's quite a skill to be the victim of your own lies.

You poor thing I feel terrible for you Thanks

Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 17:12

Thanks , yeah there might be more but I know enough now x

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 12/05/2021 19:34

so sorry sal-i did always think it wasnt the whole truth but you never know for sure

now the trust has gone completely i hope he leaves you alone for now

Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 19:56

@GabsAlot thanks , I'm so upset and now kids are upset he's not here - what a mess . I agent told them yet I've said it's work related . I have to get my business head on and start sorting everything out with separating our finances. I don't wish him ill , I want him to do well and be happy so he can be a good dad

OP posts:
Original poster
sal1223 · 12/05/2021 19:57

*I haven't told them

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/05/2021 20:16

You sound so lovely @sal1223 and an absolutely brilliant mum. A really selfless and fantastic one. Your children will be so proud of you when they look back at how you conducted yourself in this period, when they're old enough to understand. I really hope he plays fair and doesn't fall into the moping around / poor me role. You've got this Thanks

NameChangeAgain2 · 12/05/2021 20:20

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My DM left her cheating husband with 3 kids 35 years ago and met and married my DD soon after. They're still together and very happy. And he's never cheated. I know you're in pain right now but you deserve better Flowers

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