Surviving infidelity

[sal1223]

Hey all - I posted a month or so ago after husband confessed to a one night stand 3 years ago. I was 100% certain that he'd be out the door if anything like that ever happened and then now it has I've felt differently and haven't kicked him out (probably different story if we didn't have children) . I don't think you know until it happens to you personally , honestly I'm shocked at myself ! he's expressed deep remorse and hates himself for what he did - says he told me as couldn't lie any longer it was affecting his mental health and that he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together.
Anyway it's been really up and down since , I'm ok one minute then a mess the next thinking about what he did and playing it out in my head . The hysterical bonding lasted 2 weeks and was a total mind f*ck (for lack of a better word) for both of us - as at the moment I'm not interested in getting intimate at all!
What I'm asking is - has anyone in my position actually moved on successfully and 'survived infidelity' ??
everyones circumstances are different - if it had been a long affair with lots of cloak and dagger I don't think I could give him another chance, as a one off I'm trying. Has anyone else been in my position and come out the other side happily married ? Sounds silly writing it down but that's what I'm asking - I read somewhere only 16% of marriages survive infidelity
Much love and thanks

@sal1223 absolutely not. Only you know what you can deal with. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you. X

I know two couples who survived infidelity. Not close enough to tell you what it was specifically that got them through it, but I can tell you that I'm eating my words for calling them mugs.

It takes a strong woman to take someone back when everyone is telling her to do the opposite. Best of luck OP, sounds like you're navigating a really difficult situation with a lot of dignity.

Thank you both x

@sal1223. I have been in a very similar situation Sal, except I found out about it 10 years after it happened totally by chance as he had written poems/songs about it and I found them - he says it was only an emotional thing and all from his angle , but I have no way of knowing to be honest if that was 100% the case . Like yourself he was mortified and it was totally out of character, but if I have learnt one thing in my 59 years it’s that it’s the ‘unlikely ones’ who are often more likely— the ones who don’t seem ‘into women’ are very easily flattered when someone comes along making them feel ‘wanted’ and feeding the ego, especially if it’s at a point when life was a bit bumpy as it was in our case . I was absolutely devastated at the time I found out and extremely angry too, but for me I decided that as I now would no longer trust any man 100% I was staying put and making sure I put myself first in future- I made new friends, took a step back from what was definitely a bit of a co dependent relationship and made sure I always have a ‘sod off’ fund . I can honestly say I don’t feel 100% the same however we do still get along well - I think so long as you are prepared for the fact you may always feel slightly ‘guarded’ and in all fairness I think even if I left I would feel that way about anyone new too-

@Faith50

onthedunes Thank you. At times I feel I am an inch away from having a breakdown. I no longer recognise myself. I struggle to control my anger which is a serious issue. There is also a deep rooted connection to other cases of abandonment in my life - some from childhood and teenage years.

Thewookie
At times disclosing your own situation online can be soothing and at other times it can cause more destruction. It has helped me to read about women on MN who healed emotionally, whether they stayed with their spouse or not. Personally I feel staying is extremely difficult as you are having to look the person in the face who brought you the destruction. It is difficult to be civil, show care and love when you are battling with your emotions. While leaving brings a level of pain, you can close that chapter in your life and move on with the hope of meeting someone new or staying single.

Disneymillie
Yes, the issues are with the individual (my h issues go right back to childhood and a need for validation and to be liked by men and women). I took it so personally when my h was unfaithful. I saw it as a direct attack and collusion with other women. I feel duped and humiliated - as though I am being laughed at by the world. Generally in my life I have felt I am not good enough in terms of looks, academic levels, personality, talents so this was yet another kick in the teeth.

My mental health has taken a battering and I worry I will not bounce back. I see my spouts of anger as extreme weakness and clearly do not have the ability to rationalise and rise above. I worry that I am now damaged for life.

@Faith50 sending you hugs. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself like you would treat a best friend. We all compare ourselves negatively. Always remember that you are unique, there is no one who is or will ever be the unique person you are. We all entered the world the same way - no one is better than anyone else

@sal1223 some of what you’ve written resonates and my heart goes out to you, Im living a sort of similar situation except my wife is still living at home and openly seeing OM and has said our marriage is over.

I’ve battled this for a year trying to turn it around while other have told me I’m a door mat and that I’m a mug letting it go on for so long. You said your angry at yourself for being so calm and I can tell you that I’m the same although there are moments where I do feel angry with wife and it passes, it often leaves an after thought of what the hell is wrong with me I should be angry and I have every right to be.

After discovery the range of emotions are immense and it can go from one extreme to the other so it’s wise not to made any decisions until you level off and that is going to take time. My wife and I still live together while she is arranging to move out and so it’s not helped the emotions as again they swing between love one minute and not wanting to be around her the next.

I’ve read your posts and you seem to be open minded about this which is good, focus on yourself for a while and figure out how your feeling and take time to process exactly what has happened, as painful as it may be because of you don’t it will catch up to you.

I hope it all works out for you.

Livba
Thank you - I appreciate your kind words. I felt extremely low today and did a lot of crying.

@Faith50

I think any person who has been betrayed has felt like this, you are not alone.

One thing about staying with your betrayer is like you say a constant reminder of the husband that was hidden, the other person you never knew. It actually takes nerves of steel to shove those negative thoughts out of your mind.
Some people on here who have moved on and divorced are people that didn't have a choice, their husband left and the choice was out of their hands.
You as with many, have a husbansd that wished to stay, and when you've always loved that person it's very hard to let go. It is a choice that haunts you.
Your anger will ease I don't doubt that, your memory will take care of that, but don't ever think because of what HE did you are less of a person.
From your posts you sound brutally honest, thoughtful and have the ability to self question your actions and thoughts, you have just not had people tell you these things.
Well I'm telling you, I think you have been through so much, you are stronger than you think, and I think you sound lovely.

he decided to tell me - as he realised keeping it a secret was affecting his mental health severely.

Oh, the poor, poor, boy.

he's not interested in women at all

Well, now you know that's not the case.

there's no point confessing the worst and holding anything back

@sal1223 It honestly happens almost every time it comes out I think. We see it here all the time. Men will go it was just a kiss/just a blowjob/we only had sex once and it meant nothing, she's 'ugly' anyway etc etc.

Confessing to only once of course they think might sound less bad to their wife than 'It was a year and I met her several times a week for a shag. She's not the first either' or whatever.

They will sound convincing and honest too.

If my ex/OM told his wife the truth, he'd have to say it was numerous women and hundreds of anonymous men over the years. That's never going to happen though.

onthedunes
You truly forget others have faced what you are facing. I walk past couples in the street and wonder if they have dealt with infidelity. My affair got rid of the images I once had. Prior to this, I had nightmares and played movies in my head. My husband has never wanted to leave and I pushed him further and further away due to my emotional pain. I pray my anger will decrease as it is currently at boiling point. I have learnt that affairs are all about the unfaithful and not the betrayed, though your heart and head can tell you otherwise. Thank you for your encouragement - it really helps to be a part of this forum. I have confided in a few friends but I only touch base with them once a week or so. It can be incredibly lonely at times

@Faith50

I know this is a horrible question and you don't have to answer but did you love your ap, and how did your husband feel about the ow.?

If anything this shows that when in love, the emotional aspect is so much harder for the woman to overcome.
I found with my husband apart from loss of confidence (always a given) what he took away from me was my ability to love, not just him but everybody arround me.
I felt, not bitter, but cynical. I was always the one who showed affection, very tactile, very giving with my care, very open.
I liked being like that. His betrayal took that child like quality from me.
That takes time to come back, and if you want that back quick it can make you very angy with him and yourself.
It takes time, don't put pressure on yourself to be that 'up' person.

For me, one of the upsides is that my care and love for others is definitely returning and that annoys the fuckery out of him.
Why can't he have that?
He misses my kind of affection. I bet there are so many men who feel the same whose wives are on here right now.

Op, If you are going to make a go of it, please go your own speed, however long it takes to get back to you feeling yourself again do not let anybody shame you into geting over it quicker than you can.
That goes for any woman.

onthedunes
I certainly felt something- there was a lot of passion. I felt desired after such a long time of feeling so unattractive. I too withdrew from everyone around and lost that 'childlike' quality.

I am pleased you are beginning to care for others again.

I definitely placed too much pressure on myself to get to a better place and it has messed me up. Mentally I am not good at all.

Our last few attempts to be intimate have been a disaster on his part and it has damaged what was left of my self-esteem. Perhaps I now repulse him. It took a lot for me to be vulnerable enough to be intimate in the first place, then it is a let down (literally) and I feel I have been kicked in the teeth.

Feels like some of you on this thread have taken pleasure from sticking the knife in

He told you and he takes full blame And he is wracked with guilt. I think based on that, I'd be able to trust him again.

Not sure I would be able to forgive and I think my feelings for him would switch off.

I found out my ex cheated and I spent a few months consumed with thoughts about him and ow. 24/7 hysterical bonding and then thinking how we could split when we had a child together. But one day a switch just went and I no longer wanted to be with him. I lost any love I had for him.

Hi Sal,

I have just read your thread and your previous one yesterday. It resonated with me so much. Unfortunately l had some very unwelcome confessions from my husband last August. Hook ups he had been keeping to himself for over 25 years. The difference is that he has only admitting to kissing but he has changed his story about 4 times now and l can’t believe a word he says.

You asked if it is possible to move on and be happy again. In my opinion it will all depend on his actions going forward and if you think your marriage is worth it.

You are still in the early days of discovery- up and down, fluctuating emotions, don’t know what to think - you are only 1 month on, you are in trauma.

For me, l lasted 7 months trying to make it work. Like you l put the majority of the real work into trying to save the marriage. My husband was remorseful, self flagellating but also entitled. He felt he had been a good husband and we had a good marriage so l ‘should’ be able to forgive him.

He now says my anger and lack of compassion caused the marriage to fail.

As the months crept by, he ramped up the pressure to reconcile without doing any of the necessary to help me heal. It was impossible to discuss things as he would deflect, deny, accuse and play the victim. It became intolerable and l left. Things are far from resolved but l know l tried my best and was on the point of becoming ill when l left.

If he has been able to confront his behaviour honestly, and accepted l would be distant while l recovered and made real progress in his behaviour then the outcome could have been different. However l have now realised that the marriage was only really successful because l worked so hard in it and continually prioritised his needs over mine.

It’s been a very tough journey for me and l am still in the thick of it. Give yourself the gift of time and try to create some space for yourself. It’s amazing how the mind clears when not in their continual presence. I also found it helpful to write a journal. Every time he did something that l thought was ‘off’ l wrote it down. I didn’t judge his behaviour just wrote it down. What l found was when l read back my notes l was appalled at his behaviour.

I have also had a thread on here and it really helps to read it back when l feel wobbly. I had so much wise words said to me and you have too.
Listen to your gut. You will know what advice resonates with you and what is not valid.

Take lots of care of yourself and be careful - the impact of this on you and your well being is huge. I hope he is putting you first and putting the work in. You need to know he has the capacity to have your back when the chips are down. You need to know he can put your needs on the same level as his needs. Otherwise your future will always be you working really hard on this relationship while he laps up the benefits of your love. Is that what you want in your one precious life? Xx

Thank you both for your replies and for sharing . Feeling a bit touchy today 🥺 and got so much work to do

@sal1223 hard to do ‘normal’ life when you’re going through something as hard as this. Be kind to yourself. The world carries on and the jobs pile up and you have depleted resources to tackle them with due to worry, stress and no doubt lack of sleep. Try to prioritise a time for yourself every day, even if it’s only twenty minutes or so. If you’re just a ‘bit touchy’ with all the pressure that’s on you at the moment, then believe me, you’re doing well! Keep going X

@Thewookiemustgo thanks ❤️

@sal1223

Feels like some of you on this thread have taken pleasure from sticking the knife in

Maybe I'm wrong but I haven't seen that - I've seen a couple of people be honest/harsh about their suspicions that your h has minimised and possibly lied in his disclosure of infidelity (3 years after the events) and I'd say it's underpinned by worrying that you're being deceived (and perhaps deceiving yourself because this is shocking & painful) .... and are making decisions based on deception (and/or self deception).

I don't think they want to hurt you, they just can't sit back and not express their skepticism about your h's narrative) and general behaviour).

You're very early in this process, you don't have to make any decisions about anything. And a decision now dies not have to mean it's done and dusted.

He's taken three years to tell you he cheated on you, you take your time processing this and making decisions.

This happened to me when my exH dad was dying. I just don't think there is ever a justified time or excuse as to why it happened. I felt absolutely sick that he'd been intimate with someone else. She could have fallen pregnant or passed on an STI. My stomach just couldn't cope with the fact he'd then be intimate with me after. There was absolutely no way I could have ever been with him after knowing that. Seeking sexual comfort in someone outside the marriage is just unforgivable for me. I felt like if he'd pulled that stunt behind my back once it didn't matter how transparent he was after I knew, if he wanted to do it again I might not have seen it coming. Heard all of the promises, the you can check my phone crap and it was no way for me to live. I do know people who have tried to get over it and carry on in their marriage but both of them are lonely and sad and can't completely trust their OHs. I imagine that if my son or daughter came to me with the same scenario I tell them to know their worth. I think it's admirable you want to try but don't sell yourself short

He felt he had been a good husband and we had a good marriage so l ‘should’ be able to forgive him.

One has to wonder whether he would've equally believed the reverse if you'd been unfaithful.

We can get so caught up in psycho babble and Esther Perel shit that we could miss the fundamental question - if it was ops husband who had to hold it together while she went "off the rails" 3 years ago, and she's recently disclosed to him that she'd actually cheated on him too during that time, with a work colleague he was aware fancied her; would he still be there? Would still be at home fulfilling his family duties and posting on forums about how to survive his wife's infidelity?

The problem is now you know this, you can never un-know it. It's going to sit in the back of your mind and will pop up with depressing regularity.

Can you survive this, well yes of course you can assuming that is what you both want. The question is do you actually want to? It's a very hard road to go down. I tried. If I hit this bump in the road again in my life would I try again? Not a chance. I haven't the emotional capacity left to deal with the never ending loop of destructive thoughts. Much better to start afresh.

Whatever you decide good luck. I'm sorry you have this shit to deal with

@haliborangemrmen. You are so right, it’s the emotional wearingness of the depressing thoughts . I’ve given it 4 years but think it may be crunch time shortly as I thought they would go away with time— but they don’t

Thanks for the replies - I do believe he's told me the truth about what's happened and that it was a one off , whether anyone here believes that is irrelevant. The problem with posting somewhere like this is it's impersonal - you don't know him , you don't know me , my 2 closest friends do and they think he's massively fucked up but doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't deserve a second chance - they were the same as me 100% certain that if this happened to them it would be over , but they can see now why it's not as black and white. It's easy to objectively pass judgement - which isn't what I came here for but nonetheless I know that this is an open forum for opinions and they are all welcome and appreciated . But you don't know him , if you did you might feel differently - this is a man I have travelled the world with and spent 17years of my life with happily - until we hit that roadblock and he went awol - so there are many feelings at play here and many factors for me to consider . He took 3 years to tell me and I may take 3 years to decide if I can get over this . For now I'm ok and seeing what happens , I'm not shattered I'm getting on with my life and if he can bring me happiness and support then based on our history and the fact I believe he is sorry and deeply regrets it , then we have a chance

And to answer the question of do I think he'd forgive me if this was the other way around - knowing him and what he's like -yeah I do