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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

361 replies

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 08:33

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 27/03/2021 13:02

No wonder he started talking about marriage early on.

He didn't even have to save for a deposit, and within 6 months he got half your flat.

4Mongrels · 27/03/2021 13:07

Given your living arrangements I would divorce him quickly as with such a short relationship/marriage it is unlikely he will be able to claim half your house.

FinallyHere · 27/03/2021 13:12

Thats another thing - he says I treat him like he's an abuser. Could it be that im making him like this by acting how I would have when in previous abusive relationships?

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

I'm so sorry to read your story and really hope you can see what is happening here.

He moved on you very quickly and moved out of rented into you home. Separate and get him out as soon as you possibly can. The shorter the marriage the less chance he had of being entitled to a share of your assets.

Don't wait for the times when he goes back to being nice. Get him out right away.

'This isn't working' is the ticket.

wewereliars · 27/03/2021 13:13

With a marriage of this length, you will both take out what you have arrived with. Please listen to people who understand the situation in are in. Many of us have lived it. Avoid a life of regret and pain by leaving now when you are able to shrug it off as a mistake.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 27/03/2021 13:13

He shouldn't be driving if he has road rage. If you lose control, your car becomes a weapon.

Wildern · 27/03/2021 13:19

@wewereliars

With a marriage of this length, you will both take out what you have arrived with. Please listen to people who understand the situation in are in. Many of us have lived it. Avoid a life of regret and pain by leaving now when you are able to shrug it off as a mistake.
Yes, this!
LannieDuck · 27/03/2021 13:39

He's had a shower and has now said to me that he knows his anger isn't normal and he will pay for outside help but wants me to acknowledge what I do wrong - making the argument about what he says or how he says things to me rather than the issue he's raising.

What's interesting to me is that you've apologised for your side of the argument, but that's not enough for him. He needs to you to repeatedly admit that you were wrong.

In contrast, he seems to acknowledge that his anger was wrong... but I don't think he's actually apologised yet?

wewereliars · 27/03/2021 13:50

OP please understand that the problem here is NOT your husband's anger. If it was he would be exploding with rage with everyone all the time. Anger management is a red herring. When I realised that about my ex it was a thunderclap moment. We all lose our tempers at some point or another. Your husband is using his anger, and any other weapon that comes his way (your insecurities, in future maybe children, money, sex whatever is in the armoury ) to control you. When he does that it feeds a need in him. You do not matter and never will because there is something wrong with him. That is why he is an abuser. What you are and do is a side issue and whoever he is with he will be the same. That is WHY you cannot be happy with him. Choose you x

Regularsizedrudy · 27/03/2021 14:24

Sorry op this is an absolute shit show. You are tying yourself in knots pleading for ways to make yourself “less irritating”. Why are you so convinced the problem lies with you? It’s truly sad to read. You are trying to adjust your behaviour to avoid his reaction. That is what people in abusive relationships do.

Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 14:25

As pp said, that 'you treat me like an abuser' is a weird thing to say. Theres no reason for someone to to jump to that conclusion and say shit like that out of the blue...it's likely an ex called him out on his abusive behaviour and now he is preemptively objecting.

Notaroadrunner · 27/03/2021 14:27

I have only read your posts and each one is more disturbing than the last. You need to leave this man. What on earth has your counselling taught you - to put up with abuse?? I highly doubt it. Get him out of your house asap before his anger escalates into physical violence.

CombatBarbie · 27/03/2021 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CombatBarbie · 27/03/2021 14:41

Wrong thread.... Have reported

SittingAround1 · 27/03/2021 14:49

but wants me to acknowledge what I do wrong - making the argument about what he says or how he says things to me rather than the issue he's raising.

Sounds exhausting

eatsleepread · 27/03/2021 14:54

Any relationship where you find yourself saying 'sorry' regularly (or more often than is normal) is simply not worth it. It will chip away at your self-esteem.

CraftyYankee · 27/03/2021 14:58

You say he has unmedicated ADHD. Has he been officially diagnosed with ADHD, or is this a self-proclaimed diagnosis?

Either way, ADHD doesn't automatically make someone have a trigger temper that they refuse to apologize for and is all your fault.

This really seems unlikely to end well. Read the Lundy Bancroft book linked above and I think you'll find him described in eerie clarity.

knittingaddict · 27/03/2021 15:00

When he told you that he gets angry when driving it might have been wise to see that as a test. He wanted to see whether you would spot the red flags and how much you would put up with. He has you treading on eggshells around him. Classic abuser, sad to say.

category12 · 27/03/2021 15:01

@Wanderlusto

As pp said, that 'you treat me like an abuser' is a weird thing to say. Theres no reason for someone to to jump to that conclusion and say shit like that out of the blue...it's likely an ex called him out on his abusive behaviour and now he is preemptively objecting.
If OP has a history of abusive relationships he's aware of, it's also a way of undermining and invalidating her - throwing shade on her legitimate responses to poor treatment by pretending it's her past being used against him, using her vulnerabilities against her.
YouokHun · 27/03/2021 15:07

@SandrasAnnoyingFriend

And 'with respect' dismissing the challenges faced by some people with ADHD does nobody any favours. I've been in a very similar situation to the OPs, have lived with a partner with ADHD and am awaiting a referral for myself. Saying that RSD is irrelevant is actually just untrue, there's a world of difference between somebody struggling with disordered thought patterns and someone who is 'just' abusive.
I’m not dismissing the challenges for some people with ADHD, after all, those challenges are mine too. I’m saying that the concerning bit (to me) is the manipulative behaviour of OP’s DH, which isn’t indicative of ADHD per se, and I agree with @me4real on that point.

Ultimately though I don’t think @Namechange7625 should mull over ADHD or any other possible cause or reason for his behaviour because to do this would be a distraction from some worrying red flags. Supporting your partner to manage a problem in a healthy relationship is one thing but in a new relationship where one person is manipulative and chipping away at the person they’re supposed to care for, then it seems wiser to walk away for the sake of self preservation.

Pansypotter123 · 27/03/2021 15:09

You say you have a good lifestyle.

What does he bring to the table (besides the abuse)?

He has moved into your home from his rented accommodation. How do you both manage your finances, who pays which bills, how do you manage savings, who is the breadwinner, who is responsible for day to day tasks like cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc?

Original poster
Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 15:33

He earns more than me but not by much, we go 50/50 on bills and I do more in terms of house work 60/40 but he buys more food and treats.

I keep thinking about all the comments posters have written today. I really don't want to leave him but I really don't want a life with someone being irritated with me that escalates like this. I was happy before and can be happy again on my own. If I'm being totally honest I'm not leaving him this time, I will give him the chance to go to his GP and sort out his medication and anger management/counselling. I can see it's his low self confidence/anxiety which goes off like anger in him, if he takes steps independent of me to sort it out I will stay, if in a couple of weeks time he hasn't taken steps to help himself then I will leave and look into annulment as it's only been a few months. I really thought I hit the jackpot and had the best husband for me, I was so in love, I'm really sad that it seems to not be working out. I hope he does make changes but I'm not sure he will.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/03/2021 15:44

So you own your home and he rented????

Be very careful your silly mistake doesn't cost you your home.

For goodness sake OP.

Don't turn a mistake into a clusterfxxk of you having to sell your home.

As the marriage is new you can probably walk away unscathed...

Be very careful.
Flowers

MazekeenSmith · 27/03/2021 15:46

My XH has unmedicated ADHD. He never hit me. But he WAS abusive.
You're not ready to leave - ok - but please try to stop making excuses for him and keep your eyes open.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2021 15:54

At the very least you need to seek legal advice sooner rather than later as marriage annulment is a complex area of the law in the UK.

You are still very much minimising his behaviours towards you out of perhaps being trauma bonded.

You can only help your own self ultimately and as he is blaming you for his inherent ills he will never accept responsibility for his abuses of you. AM courses and the like will not likely be successful and besides which he would need years of therapy. He is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing.

MzHz · 27/03/2021 15:54

He isn’t irritated by you.

You are being abused

He’s manufacturing his anger to control you.

Don’t think about what you want to do, think only of what you need to do: end this before you get really hurt/taken out

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