How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

[Namechange7625]

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

This is who he is. Stay and your life will be a misery And for god's sake dont have kids with him.

Ask him if he's interested in finding a way forward without blame. If he says yes, ask him for suggestions.

@Eckhart Why should OP automatically be the one asking him for suggestions, rather than it being mutual?

Thats another thing - he says I treat him like he's an abuser. Could it be that im making him like this by acting how I would have when in previous abusive relationships?

@Namechange7625 That's him twisting it round on you, so that you feel you can't recognize what he's doing and you're somehow barking, your perception of the world is wrong. Not so.

So disregard the quick marriage. From what you've said you interrupted him, he said it was rude, you apologised but then justified it because that's why you always do. I think that's the problem.... You apologise and that's it. I hate it when people apologise to me and then try and justify it....you were wrong end of in his eyes. Just because you don't think it's rude to interrupt doesn't mean you are right.

@CombatBarbie I personally disagree, if someone has something that might solve the issue there's nothing wrong with them contributing. But I know some people don't like it. My ex is the same he just wafts me a way wiith a STFU motion no matter if what I say would genuinely help the situation.

Also OP was trying to explain herself. It's classic that abusers ignore this or get arsey then. Because how dare a woman have an opinion, when his is the conclusive, far superior opinion every time, and this inferior creature should just obey? They're not interested in having a discussion on an equal footing like people do in a healthy relationship, because they don't see this scum they disrespect as being an equal whose opinion should exist at all. So the scum's words are just irritating like a buzzing fly.

But it's what happened afterward that is the thing, how OP's husband twisted the argument and was a twat. Then later even lied and gaslighted about what was said. And OP said this is a pattern of behaviour from him, he keeps responding in this way of making her feel shit. It's not a one off.

That sounds horrible. Do you think he could have ADHD? Disproportionate reactions are a big symptom and can be improved with meds.

I have ADHD. Someone can have disproportionate emotions. But OP's husband isn't just doing that, he then goes on to twist things round, emotionally manipulate, gaslight and lie. It's not just an instinctive emotional reesponse. He then goes on to show classic symptoms of the disrespect emotional abusers have for their partners.

@SandrasAnnoyingFriend

That sounds horrible. Do you think he could have ADHD? Disproportionate reactions are a big symptom and can be improved with meds. Have a look at an online test as it might offer a path to overcoming it as a future issue.

With respect @SandrasAnnoyingFriend whether he has an ADHD diagnosis or not is irrelevant. ADHD is a neuro-diversity and though it has numerous co-morbidities and elements such as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria it is not a factor in behaviour described; it’s not a personality disorder (despite the misdiagnosis of ADHD as EUPD). I have ADHD myself and while there may be people who are abusive and also have ADHD, correlation doesn’t equal causation.

But more importantly the OP shouldn’t be searching for explanations and solutions because that’s up to him. She needs to concentrate on what is best for her.

I am fully aware that it's not an excuse, but if the subsequent behaviours spill out from an initial over reaction then there's the potential to cut this off at the source.
If he's diagnosed and not medicated then he needs to take some ownership for his shitty behaviours. I'd make it a priority to explore meds if I knew I was hurting my partner. If he isn't prepared to do that to see if it makes things better then you have to leave. He's not prioritising you or his marriage.

[quote Yayalala]@I0NA
Perfectly put.

OP take note of this[/quote]
I second this.

And 'with respect' dismissing the challenges faced by some people with ADHD does nobody any favours. I've been in a very similar situation to the OPs, have lived with a partner with ADHD and am awaiting a referral for myself.
Saying that RSD is irrelevant is actually just untrue, there's a world of difference between somebody struggling with disordered thought patterns and someone who is 'just' abusive.

The more I read about him the more he sounds like my ex. Always right, an argument could last for days, agressive vile bully. My horror show didn'tshow his true colours until 10 years and a baby in. It then took me years to get away from him. Yours has started early.

OP, I think you do see the peril you're in. You've said you recognise that you were happy single before. I get the impression you can see with some clarity that your H is being unreasonable, unfair and manipulative.
The problem you are facing is what to do about it. Don't get the two mixed up; it is so positive that you are able to see that this isn't right. You know he's putting you in an impossible situation, but you are still unclear about how to let this horrible realisation play out in your life. It can be shocking when you realise someone is straight up saying, in the way they respond to your boundaries, that they have no intention of honouring them. Lay the responsibility for H's behaviour with him, give yourself permission to stand by your boundaries. H is showing he's not prepared to respect your clearly stated bottom line. He's waiting to see what will happen now he's shown his hand. What will be the consequence of his behaviour? You've done nothing wrong. You don't owe him protection from the consequences of his own behaviour. Now is a good time to pack it in and ask him to leave.
Will he have claim to your property since you are married?

@me4real

Why should OP automatically be the one asking him for suggestions, rather than it being mutual

Because if he says no, it's game over, and the quickest way to find out if that's the case. If he says yes, and comes up with ideas, a discussion can commence.

Also, offering the open floor for solutions is a good way to diffuse an angry argument whilst avoiding blame. It doesn't preclude OP making suggestions too, and nor should it.

Everything else may be perfect, but you know he is going to react this way every time you irritate him.

How long can you realistically put up with that when he's like this already after only knowing him 9 months?

Seriously, higher your standards and LTB.

This guy sounds like my exh. No apology was ever good enough, and the least thing I did that to most would seem normal were cause for some massive overreaction from him. It was exhausting trying to figure out what I could and couldn't do or say.

You deserve better.

I think that you need to change the title of the post to:

How can my husband take responsibility for his reactions to ordinary things and be less angry?

He's the one with the problem. It's not up to you to fix him.

You got marreid far too quickly to a man you hardly know and he's turned out to be an aggressive twat.

He isn't 'lovely apart from...' - he acts lovely. He can act like a reasonable loving person with a kind nature but he actually isn't - when the chips are down, he isn't like that. He can choose to act in a kind way when he's not invested in it.

I don't understand at all how you can say you've taken anything slow. You've known him for less than 300 fucking days. You DON'T KNOW HIM. What you are seeing now - you cannot say 'Oh this is out of the ordinary' because you've known him a decade. What you're now seeing is overwhelmingly likely to be you seeing his character unfold.

I would lay bets that the super romantic quicky swept-off-your-feet marriage was something he was very enthusiastic about?

Advice: don't merge finances, don't buy property together, definitely don't get pregnant. It would be wise to ditch this guy, if you weren't married I assume that's probably what you'd (sensibly) be doing and he knows that full well, which will have been why he was so keen to tie you down asap.

@billy1966

OP,

I mean this kindly.

You have married a man you don't know.

Turns out he has a temper.

Turns out he is angry.

Turns out you irritate him.

You don't know each other.

Make sure your contraception is sorted.

I would be very surprised if this ridiculously fast wedding lasts.

You have married in haste and will no doubt repent in leisure.

Keep your finances separate.

Do not buy a property together.

This relationship is highly likely to fail.

Try and learn from this.

Marrying someone you don't know was never going to be a good idea or work out.

Please reach out to family and friends for support.

Had you any adult in your life telling whas a silly idea this was?
Go to them and get out of this situation and don't allow it to ruin your life.

People make mistakes and learn from them.
Don't compound this by getting pregnant.

Mind yourself and seek support.

You can fix this blip in your life and move on.

I couldn't have said it better! Do not have a child with him. I married someone like this and suffered years of abuse because I had children by him. Look up 'Intermittant Explosive Disorder' Its likely this is his issue and it won't get better. I wish I had known this, but he kept this side hidden for nearly 5 years.

Draw a line under this now and move on. You married in haste - it was a mistake, we all make them - but get out before you invest any more in this man. Whatever you do, don't have children!
Have a browse through some Mumsnet threads. You'll find them every day - from sad, downtrodden, frightened women who don't have the finances or the self-respect to walk away from bullies. And that'll be you - next year/in five years/in 10 years.
Go now and you can pick up your old life where you left off.

I have a professional job, my own place that dh moved into from private renting, he has his own successful business, we have a nice lifestyle.

He just gets better doesn't he. Cut your losses and get a divorce before he starts to claim your assets as well as your mental health.

Just look at the title of your post. He’s made it all about you, you’re questioning your own behaviour when he is the one with the problem.
Honestly if he’s like this now, he’ll only get worse and become more controlling and you’ll be more cowed.
You’d be well advised to call it a day before he becomes any more unpleasant.

One of my DC has ADHD and currently doesn't take their meds. They do react disproportionately to small things most people would take in their stride and can be overwhelmed with sadness, anger etc.

However, any argument is short lived and usually followed up by a ready apology. In fact, upsets are often forgotten quite easily. Could be just their character but they have always been able to "bounce back" into a well-regulated state quite quickly.

OP, what you're seeing and experiencing here is that his abuser's mask has slipped, and what you see now is his true face - in fact, if you get pregnant he will take the mask off entirely and he will likely be much, much worse.

The rest, all the "loveliness", was an act to trap you. Abusive people are often lovely to the world - google "street angel, house devil". They will also alternate nice and nasty to keep your hooked - if there was nothing but nasty they would never get a woman, would they? Over time, whilst you chase the "nice", it will diminish vs the nasty until there is nothing but nasty. By that stage the victim is too broken to leave - and may actually be discarded for a new, unbroken yet victim.

He accuses you of treating him like an abuser because you are understandably walking on eggshells because he IS an abuser. He used that language likely because a woman (or multiple women) have actually left him previously for his abuse.

You say how compatible you are...yet now you "irritate" him? I would wager a guess that all your similarity was faked i.e. he mirrored your own preferences and opinions back to you to fake compatibility and you effectively fell in love with...you. This is a common abuser tactic to attract a woman, "mirroring". I would also wager that it is aspects of your talent and capability which really irritate him and which he is attempting to diminish with his criticism.

Don't get pregnant. Everyone makes mistakes, leave this one behind. You can't save him, save yourself.

my own place that dh moved into from private renting

Oh!!!!!

Suddenly a lot more becomes clear. I missed this.

OP, you need to open your eyes here.

Right now this marriage is so short it is nothing.

You ignore this behaviour for a couple of years and you'll suddenly start finding that you don't have the right any more to get this twat out of your home, because it's now his home and his asset too.

@Namechange7625 this man saw you coming. He even told you he was bad tempered and abusive. Now he's controlling and gaslighting you, after all it's your fault he's angry.
He's set himself up very nicely, moved out of his rented flat and into the home you bought. It's going to cost you to get rid of him.

Sorry OP you are in another abusive relationship. Everyone else on here can see all the red flags; ask yourself why you can't see them.

The only acceptable level of abuse is 0%. As PP said being "lovely" 90% of the time is not good enough if you are then treading on eggshells for the other 10% of the time.

Walk away OP and go and see a good divorce solicitor.

You deserve better.

So this time last year you hadn’t even met him? Run like the wind. You have nothing to lose!

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your husband is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing featuring both domestic violence and alcoholism. Your own childhood was not ideal to say the very least. I doubt very much that ADHD is at all present here re him and even if it was it’s still no justification or excuse re his abuse of you.

He targeted you and deliberately so, he saw something in you he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse are being further eroded by your husband.