How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

[Namechange7625]

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

@Namechange7625

Thats another thing - he says I treat him like he's an abuser. Could it be that im making him like this by acting how I would have when in previous abusive relationships?

Are you making him like this?? Can you even hear yourself? Please, please get back on the freedom program. This is another abusive relationship.

So disregard the quick marriage. From what you've said you interrupted him, he said it was rude, you apologised but then justified it because that's why you always do. I think that's the problem.... You apologise and that's it. I hate it when people apologise to me and then try and justify it....you were wrong end of in his eyes. Just because you don't think it's rude to interrupt doesn't mean you are right.

I am not going to criticise the speed at which you married. But for your husband to behave like this after 3 months, when you should still be enjoying the honeymoon period, is a big red flag. I would be seriously considering my future with this man.

I've done the freedom programme, I've had so much counselling in my life I could be a counsellor, I've been in refuges and am very codependent. Was that a Freudian slip?

It's really hard to break old patterns and while you might know the theory, it doesn't seem like you've put it into action in real life, because when the relationship came along, you dropped your own plans and rushed headlong into a marriage. Now you're asking "how can I change to please him".

@Overthinking1

you got married to someone too quickly who isn't suitable for you and who you didn't really know.. you havent known him a year. end it and move on.

This, he’s showing you who he really is.

I haven’t read the full thread but I read this from The Road Less Travelled by M.Scott Beck

‘Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that ‘falling in love’ is love ...the honeymoon always always ends. ... Just as realty intrudes upon the fantastic unity of the couple, who have fallen in love, sooner or later..individual will reasserts itself...Gradually or suddenly, they fall out of love. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of their relationship or to initiate the work of real loving...Real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love..but when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t feel loving.

Op, you are experiencing disillusionment- how you respond as a couple to the reality is your choice. This can expand your capacity to love yourself and your DH and the same for your DH - but don’t ignore what is happening
..Peck finishes the chapter with ‘many of us happily or unhappily married today would have retreated in wholehearted terror from
the realism of the marriage vows (if it were not for the temporary illusion of falling in love).

Marriage is hard and irritating each other is normal, and having character flaws is normal. Draw boundaries for yourself about what you expect about how you should be treated and spoken to and make them clear to DH.

If your DH is willing to look seriously at his anger issues -I think you have as good a shot at marriage as anyone else.

@CombatBarbie I don't feel like I was justifying it. He feels like I was. I was just having a conversation and acknowledging its an annoying impulsive habit for him. Because I said for him and not its annoying for everyone that's why he got more annoyed with me.

OP, it sounds like he is unable to see things from another person’s point of view. So way you say that your family will interrupt phone calls to add in relevant or important info, he hears you disagreeing with his point that interrupting is rude. When actually what you meant was that you understand he finds it rude and will make an effort not to interrupt him, but that you weren’t intending to be rude because interrupting in this way isn’t considered rude by other people you interact with. This is a shit situation. If he can’t look at things from your point of view and won’t accept that he could be in the wrong (at least from another person’s viewpoint !) he’s going to be very difficult to live with long term and likely won’t ever attempt to make any changes himself. I’d probably ditch him if I were in your place.

He has anger issues and you need to get out now before it get physical.

My ex started off like this and I nearly ended up dead because he got worse and and it was always “my fault “ .

[quote Namechange7625]@eatsleepread - dv between mum and dad, mum felt like she couldn't discipline because he'd go off with his dad, dad was an alcoholic who spoilt him materially. His mum is absolutely lovely, really kind and warm. He also gets pissy with her for saying the wrong thing.

I feel like I'm making him out to be awful, he is really kind and thoughtful. He nursed his grandad through cancer, he looks after his nan since she's been widowed. He has good friends, a business and I would have said I adored him until these last few rows.[/quote]
What about your backstory, OP? Anything similar?

OP this get’s more and more concerning, especially the fact that you just won’t see it. the safest thing is that when you do finally accept it you’ll realize you could see it all along, you just didn’t want to.

Can I ask, have you done a Clare’s law check on him? If not then I strongly recommend you contact 101, when he’s not around of course, explain you have concerns and ask them to run the check for you.

Honestly OP this thread is quite upsetting to read. Everybody but you can see what’s coming your way. You were happy to take a leap of faith marrying a man you barely knew, please take a leap of faith and believe the women on here that he’s no good and means you no good, and do that police check.

safest = saddest.

But you are doing it now, you are justifying yourself because you don't find it rude. This argument is about how you have made him feel, it's not about you. He finds it annoying and rude. And you've annoyed him further by telling him his thoughts are wrong.

I'm annoyed with you and I don't even know you. You simply apologise and say nothing more. Acknowledging in yourself that he finds it rude and that is OK and be mindful in future.

@Eckhart - I was in fostercare. My parents were awful. But I'm not a sob story I've done really well in life apart from in relationships and worked hard on myself.

@Namechange7625

Thats another thing - he says I treat him like he's an abuser. Could it be that im making him like this by acting how I would have when in previous abusive relationships?

It what way does he think you are treating him like an abuser?

No, you are not "making him" behave like this. The fact that you ask that question should really make you think, OP.

Ignore @CombatBarbie this is absolutely rubbish. The op did something mildly annoying said she was sorry and explained why she hadn't thought it was wrong and said she wouldn't do it again. He then continued to berate her repeatedly returning to the room to shout at her, this is not normal behaviour. She acknowledged her fault, where is his acknowledgment of his unreasonable response! It doesn't exist, you have also completely ignored everything else the op has explained about his behaviour.

OP this isn't a lovely relationship, he is abusing you, talk to your counsellor and find the strength to terminate the relationship and get him to move out. This will only get worse the longer you leave it. The promise to get some counselling for anger management is lip service to stop you getting rid of him now. He knew he had a problem when you met, if he was genuinely interested in addressing his behaviour he would have done it voluntarily but he didn't, he waited until you said you'd had enough.

[quote Namechange7625]@Eckhart - I was in fostercare. My parents were awful. But I'm not a sob story I've done really well in life apart from in relationships and worked hard on myself.[/quote]
You've married somebody who is just like them under the surface. He's just pretended not to be long enough to clip your wings and shove you in a cage.

It never seems quite as bad as a parent abuser at first. After all, parents don't need to entice you in with promises of love and security, they get you from the outset. And now he thinks he doesn't have to pretend anymore. He's stopped your travelling. He's stopped you from potentially meeting somebody who might actually love you. He's stopped you from wanting to have a life you deserve. No need to keep up the nice little charade of being a decent human being now.

He's setting out the rules. The rules that say you make him like this, that it's all your fault. That you are a bad person with an uncanny ability to make him do horrible things and say nasty things to you.

Give it a short time and they will be the 'reason' he gives for smashing up the house (you make me so frustrated, I have to do something but because I'm a good person, you should be grateful I'm doing it to the house and not you), shoving you (you got in my way and I had to escape from you) or grabbing you by the throat (you were in my face and you scare me so I was defending myself).

Nobody is going to come and rescue you like they did when you were a child. You need to see that this is the start of being treated like you were by your parents (if not worse) and get out now before you become another statistic.

Sorry, not RTFT so ignore this if you’ve already said you won’t do this, but please do NOT show him this thread. Mumsnet is a safe space where many abuse victims share. Some abusers find it anyway (it is public after all) but please do NOT draw his attention to it.

That sounds horrible.
Do you think he could have ADHD? Disproportionate reactions are a big symptom and can be improved with meds. Have a look at an online test as it might offer a path to overcoming it as a future issue.

You can't 'make someone an abuser'. Its entirely their issue.

Also, counciling does not tend to do anything other than make abusers better manipulators. They chooses to abuse. Because they lack empathy and respect for you. And those things are not something you can council into someone.

Regardless of the ways and wherefores, why would you want to stay with someone who continues an argument like this? I've had several long term relationships, including with my DH, and, yes we have had arguments but I've never known anyone make such a big deal over something small and continue trying to apportion blame as your DH is doing. With DH it is just 'sorry' and we discuss the issue if we need to. Nothing requires this kind of analysis.

Bottom line, would you marry him now if you weren't already married? If not, then leave. There's unlikely to be a magic moment where he / you both realise your mistakes and change forever.

Six months is absolutely not long enough to know for sure what someone is like. And you must have decided before the 6 months to have made plans to marry, even if it was a low key secret event.

@Buttonfm

Getting married after 6 months - red flag

Getting married secretly so no-one can question it - red flag

Acting like he's not bothered by marriage but marrying you when you say you're off travelling - red flag

Telling you he gets road rage - red flag

Over-reacting and convincing you it's your fault - red flag

Gaslighting you - red flag

Used to adore your habits, now irritated by them (now showing you his true self) - red flag

How well do you know his friends and family?
How well do you really know him?

It will get worse as time goes on, it will be harder to get out.
You are worth so much more, there are men out there who will treat you kindly, who will genuinely appreciate you for who you are and won't blame you for their behaviour.

Be careful and think about what everyone is saying.

You are minimising this.

Listen to the voices of women who recognise his behaviour for what it is.

This list from @Buttonfm is just what I was going to say and there is much wisdom in the responses here @Namechange7625 which you’d do well to heed.

In my work as a psychotherapist, though I am not a relationship or couples counsellor, I still come across so many dangerous and abusive relationships that people are trying to recover from, that people are terribly damaged by, emotionally, socially, practically, financially; it can take years to find your old self, to reconnect with people after the isolation. So many of them start like your relationship almost word for word. You are being manipulated to accept his crumbs of kindness, to accept blame for his behaviour, to question yourself. This is how it starts.

You are at a crossroads, one way lies regret and maybe embarrassment for a short relationship but the other way lies the destruction of your self confidence, hope, mental health, friendships, the lose of a huge chunk of your life that you will never get back. I don’t want to sound dramatic but I find your post about his behaviour chilling, and equally chilling your willingness to justify his behaviour and question yourself. It is not enough for an abusive person to be 90% “lovely”, it’s the 10% that matters. You absolutely deserve better OP; please please listen to what people here are saying.

@SandrasAnnoyingFriend yes he has unmedicated adhd.

I know he doesn't want to be angry and horrible to me. It's not calculated, it's when he loses his temper. I don't feel that he would ever physically hurt me. I know the thread reads like he will but I know he doesn't want to be like this. With his temper like road rage, its when he's late and it stresses him out. He isn't able to regulate normal stressors.

[quote Namechange7625]@SandrasAnnoyingFriend yes he has unmedicated adhd.

I know he doesn't want to be angry and horrible to me. It's not calculated, it's when he loses his temper. I don't feel that he would ever physically hurt me. I know the thread reads like he will but I know he doesn't want to be like this. With his temper like road rage, its when he's late and it stresses him out. He isn't able to regulate normal stressors.[/quote]
In which case he needs to do something about it.

[quote Namechange7625]@Eckhart - I was in fostercare. My parents were awful. But I'm not a sob story I've done really well in life apart from in relationships and worked hard on myself.[/quote]
It sounds like neither of you has had a good example or education regarding how a happy relationship works, and how boundaries work.

I was so happy when I met dh as for the first time in my life I was happy single and in a really good place emotionally. Obviously I wasn't if I could read the signs

He is only showing you the signs now. You are reading them. You can't criticise yourself for not reading signs that weren't there.

You say you are not sure you want to be with someone who blindsides you by getting angry with things you do that you don't feel are wrong. You feel disconnected from him. That's a sign, right there. Your emotions are telling you you don't want to be around these responses to you. What is stopping you from extracting yourself?