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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I’m being punished for things his ex’s did

134 replies

Haribo21 · 25/03/2021 23:56

Me and my partner have been together 2 & a half years, we live together and in general everything is good. However he is very guarded at times and I feel like we can’t build a future together with his mindset. For instance we live together but he doesn’t want me to contribute to his house. He had some issues in the past moneywise with an ex girlfriend. So I understand this would make him wary but at the same time how can we progress with no trust? He says I have given him faith in relationships but then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t let me fully in & punishes me for things that have happened in past relationships. Another example is being made to go places he really didn’t want to go so he decided in future he would just say no. For me a relationship is about give and take and even if I didn’t want to go somewhere, if he had no-one to go with I would go as I would care more about putting a smile on his face rather than my own. I don’t mean that I expect him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do all the time but It would be nice if he’s open to doing something outside his own interests. Like I do for him. Also a couple of arguments we have had he has acted like “oh here we go, it’s just like when I was with *ex girlfriend”. I know we have to learn from past mistakes but at the same time shouldn’t we base how we act with someone on how they treat us. All I have ever done is love and support him so it’s such a kick in the teeth when I feel like I’m on trial. Am I wrong here and not being understanding enough?

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 26/03/2021 00:22

to me OP it sounds like he controls the narrative, the decisions, the choices, everything, because of his previous relationship. It's not fair on you, and maybe he's not ready to be 'living' with anyone yet.

It doesn't sound like very much fun tbh OP🌺

Wanderlusto · 26/03/2021 01:27

Sounds more like he is just using his exs as an excuse to be a selfish dick.

Be careful op, manipulators pull shit like this a lot.

And if you ever feel you are being 'punished' in a relationship or that your needs are irrelevant, its time to bolt!

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/03/2021 01:30

Sounds more like he is just using his exs as an excuse to be a selfish dick.

Ding ding ding we have a winner,

See also:

Bitches be crazy
You're not like most girls

After 2.5 years, the other women are irrelevant. He's just a dick.

AmberItsACertainty · 26/03/2021 01:32

So I understand this would make him wary but at the same time how can we progress with no trust?

You can't. It's impossible. LTB, he's not in a position to be in a relationship.

He needs to work on himself, but it's unlikely he will when he can get his needs met by making someone else's life a misery instead. If everyone walked away from these wankers they'd be forced to change their ways or remain single forever.

Enough4me · 26/03/2021 01:36

Sounds like scripted rubbish excuses I'm afraid...
"I'd be more relaxed if you didn't act like X"
"I was fine before X messed me about so don't like Y anymore"
"I can't deal with needy chicks anymore"
"Can you prove you're different"
It's all BS, and you know if you said that crap to him he wouldn't accept it.

Maskedrevenger · 26/03/2021 01:48

If he hasn’t relaxed after 2 and a half years he is never going to. You are being punished for things that you haven’t even done, there is no way you can fix this.
It may seem horrible but it sounds to me like he doesn’t see you as you, just another girlfriend who is going to let him down in some way and he’s just waiting for that day to come.
Also how reasonable is his recall of previous relationships?
If you have a disagreement he says it’s just like in a previous relationship, news flash for him all couples have disagreements but manage them in a respectful manner and don’t use an ex as an excuse to shut down discussion with their current partner.
If you want the type of relationship where you only go places and do things he wants to do and never rock the boat by disagreeing with him then crack on, but it wouldn’t suit me.

SarahBellam · 26/03/2021 01:55

“I’m going to use the excuse of a bad relationship to do exactly whatever I want and I couldn’t give a stuff about what you want.”

That’s what he’s told you, straight to your face. Believe him.

Whocares2021 · 26/03/2021 02:26

@Wanderlusto

Sounds more like he is just using his exs as an excuse to be a selfish dick.

Be careful op, manipulators pull shit like this a lot.

And if you ever feel you are being 'punished' in a relationship or that your needs are irrelevant, its time to bolt!

This ^
Sally2791 · 26/03/2021 02:43

Good luck with that one- really just cut your losses and leave him to it. He’ll soon find his next victim.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2021 02:59

You are wasting your time with this one. This is as good as it's ever going to get and it's shit.

Dery · 26/03/2021 06:02

““I’m going to use the excuse of a bad relationship to do exactly whatever I want and I couldn’t give a stuff about what you want.”

That’s what he’s told you, straight to your face. Believe him.”

This with bells on. The not letting you contribute financially I can understand, even if it is misguided. But the rest just sounds like an excuse to be selfish. And as for using his ex against you when you argue: as a PP said - couples argue.

More or less every adult who has had romantic relationships has been hurt and disappointed at some point. (I actually think having your heart broken and experiencing recovery is a really valuable life experience). They don’t all use that experience to try to control later partners. It’s unacceptable. It’s actually abusive. All in all, he sounds selfish and immature.

anunexaminedlife · 26/03/2021 06:41

He's training you

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 26/03/2021 06:57

He is selfish and using exes as an excuse to train you to always do what he wants. Fuck that off.

Haribo21 · 26/03/2021 07:18

@anunexaminedlife that’s how I feel sometimes, like I’m being trained to be a “good girl”. That if I step one foot out of line I will prove him right that I’m just like the others. But then on the over hand we get on so well, he is loving & kind, often buys me flowers, looks after me if I’m ill, supports me & would help me with anything so it’s confusing. It’s just this side of things where I don’t feel “trusted” and I’m being punished for things I haven’t done. He’s been married before so because that didn’t work out marriage is off the cards. His other ex did him over money wise so I can’t be trusted to contribute to the house. As much as he has his good points he does have a selfish mindset, and if I disagree with some things “I’m just like the others”

OP posts:
Whocares2021 · 26/03/2021 07:24

You probably are ‘just like the others’ if they also wanted him not to be a selfish dick. You deserve better.

RealisticSketch · 26/03/2021 07:31

In your op you sound like a very caring reasonable person who is respectful of their partner, understands past hurts need time to mend and had made allowances for that. It is completely reasonable that after him knowing you well enough to set up a home with you he should also be moving on, if he is very very comfortable with staying static emotionally (either because he isn't interested in developing a future that isn't tired to his past, it because actually as a pp said he is using it as an excuse to be selfish) then you are right to question whether there can be a future because there can't be, unless you are willing to bury all of your own self. He is behaving as though he is in s relationship with a version of human female who must at all times work to not be his exes... When does he learn and know you and start recognising when his expectations are rooted in his own issues and not who you are or what the type of relationship he has now is... He isn't winding back on any of his views on light of the fact you are a unique individual with different standards of behaviour.
I don't think this has a future unfortunately. I had a bf like this once, at the 2 year+ stage he should take have developed enough to trust in you to start to be less defensive if it is a genuine trust issue... Mine didn't so I left him to his bitter feelings, having given him ample opportunity to see I was different and finally realising he was never going to get there, he just couldn't see the problem.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2021 07:42

He’s just looking for you to do something he doesn’t like so he can say you’re just like x, poor me, why are women so mean?

He can buy you as many flowers as you want but this attitude should be a huge red flag

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2021 07:44

The resentment will just continue to grow. Just end it. It doesn’t work. You know this.

Livandme · 26/03/2021 07:51

After 2.5 years, I wouldn't expect to hear an ex's name unless kids were involved.
He needs counseling to get over himself.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 26/03/2021 07:58

Do you know the other side of the story with his ex wife and ex GF?

Sally2791 · 26/03/2021 08:00

Are you sure his ex wife did him over re money? You will be hearing his side of the story, many exHs are very resentful of a fair split.
He is creating a self fulfilling prophecy- you will (rightly) get fed up with his treatment of you, and he can be justified in his low opinion- the main thing to him is that he is proved correct, much more important than overcoming his issues and developing a respectful equal adult relationship.

Inthefuture · 26/03/2021 08:00

Yes he’s had plenty of time to process what happened with his exes if it was genuinely bad and affected him. His attitude is horrible and I think you should seriously consider moving on.

Whenthesunshines · 26/03/2021 08:09

He want his house to be his, he wants to only go places he wants to go and do things he wants to do.

The ‘here we go’ comment is just vile.
He is either a selfish bastard or so messed up and bitter there is no hope.

His behaviour is unacceptable and you should tell him it isn’t working for you.

updownroundandround · 26/03/2021 08:12

@Haribo21

Sorry, but you're not only being 'punished', you're being trained to allow him to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

It is being done on purpose and with an intended goal in sight.

Do you say to him ''Oh no ! That's exactly what Bob used to say/do !'' when you argue ? No, you don't. That's because you have learned and grown with each relationship, and decided not to use past relationships against your new partner.

You cannot change this man, you cannot 'teach' this man (because he knows what he's doing) and you have no future with this man, because he will not stop doing this.

Whenthesunshines · 26/03/2021 08:13

[quote Haribo21]@anunexaminedlife that’s how I feel sometimes, like I’m being trained to be a “good girl”. That if I step one foot out of line I will prove him right that I’m just like the others. But then on the over hand we get on so well, he is loving & kind, often buys me flowers, looks after me if I’m ill, supports me & would help me with anything so it’s confusing. It’s just this side of things where I don’t feel “trusted” and I’m being punished for things I haven’t done. He’s been married before so because that didn’t work out marriage is off the cards. His other ex did him over money wise so I can’t be trusted to contribute to the house. As much as he has his good points he does have a selfish mindset, and if I disagree with some things “I’m just like the others”[/quote]
OMG.
He is ‘loving and kind’ as long as you are a ‘good girl’ and do everything he wants you to do OP!
Can you see how awful that is?

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