Feel like I’m being punished for things his ex’s did

[Haribo21]

Me and my partner have been together 2 & a half years, we live together and in general everything is good. However he is very guarded at times and I feel like we can’t build a future together with his mindset. For instance we live together but he doesn’t want me to contribute to his house. He had some issues in the past moneywise with an ex girlfriend. So I understand this would make him wary but at the same time how can we progress with no trust? He says I have given him faith in relationships but then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t let me fully in & punishes me for things that have happened in past relationships. Another example is being made to go places he really didn’t want to go so he decided in future he would just say no. For me a relationship is about give and take and even if I didn’t want to go somewhere, if he had no-one to go with I would go as I would care more about putting a smile on his face rather than my own. I don’t mean that I expect him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do all the time but It would be nice if he’s open to doing something outside his own interests. Like I do for him. Also a couple of arguments we have had he has acted like “oh here we go, it’s just like when I was with *ex girlfriend”. I know we have to learn from past mistakes but at the same time shouldn’t we base how we act with someone on how they treat us. All I have ever done is love and support him so it’s such a kick in the teeth when I feel like I’m on trial. Am I wrong here and not being understanding enough?

He wants to have security regarding the house, but you also need to have security. You would have to come to an agreement that was fair on both of you. He's making it seem as if he's being kind by putting you up "for free", but as it is now, you could live together for 30 years then leave the relationship with no home and no rights.

You’re very much describing my relationship with my now DH at the beginning. Right down to previous marriage when young, issues with exes, never getting married again, no joint account etc. It took me nearly leaving and him finally listening to my point that maybe he was the common denominator and I wasn’t all these other women to then invest in a ton of counselling. He had it himself first then I joined him later. That was what saved our relationship. Had he not done that I would have left.

@Haribo21
That’s absolutely something you can have, just not with this man who only treats you well when you do as he wants and don’t challenge him on anything.

[quote Haribo21]@I0NA I pay for food and for things the house needs, window cleaner, new microwave things like that. But he doesn’t want me to contribute to any bills whatsoever. We have talked about buying a house together but how can he suddenly go from his mindset now to owning a house together anytime soon. Which makes me think he’s just pacifying me.[/quote]
He’s not pacifying you. He’s making sure that you have no claim on his house and he can kick you out without any notice.

He’s looking after his own financial interests - it’s got fuck all to do with his ex and his issues.

[quote Haribo21]@I0NA I pay for food and for things the house needs, window cleaner, new microwave things like that. But he doesn’t want me to contribute to any bills whatsoever. We have talked about buying a house together but how can he suddenly go from his mindset now to owning a house together anytime soon. Which makes me think he’s just pacifying me.[/quote]
I really don't see the issue with the financial security aspect here as he is enabling you to save shedloads. THAT is your financial security that you should be responsible for. I assume he earns more than you and you have little/no assets? If that is the case, he is being sensible after a still relatively short relationship.

The actual issue is the arguments, the nasty comments and the making you feel unvalued. Of course his past experiences are going to affect his views on marriage but you should be able to have a calm conversation about your future without him kicking off or threatening you with the door.

@Vetyveriohohoh I’m glad you managed to resolve things. The frustrating thing is i know he could learn to deal with things in healthier ways like your husband did. But it might take me to leave him to do that however if it gets to that point It might be too late. I do think he has had to put up with some crap from his ex’s but I also think he’s not looking at the things he did wrong too. Granted there’s no excuse for physical violence from his ex but to shut someone down in any type of conflict is obviously something he did in past relationships too.

You can’t live like this long term. Are you in the position to buy a property for yourself? Or at least make significant ISA investments? You’ll kick yourself years down the line if you waste time now

@StarsonaString I agree from a selfish point of view it’s good for me that I can save loads but I don’t want to be in a selfish relationship. It just feels wrong that with live together with such mistrust. I have my own assets and money so I have no interest in taking him for a ride. All my eggs are in his basket as I’m at his mercy so to speak yet none of his eggs are in mine it would seem.

Why would he suddenly change now after 2.5 years ? The way he behaves now suits him just fine - he always gets his own way and never has to consider you.

You can’t change him. Threatening to leave won’t make him change, it will just confirm that you are bad like his ex. He will just find another good girl ASAP.

You need to either stay and accept that the rest of your life will be like this. Or leave.

Sorry.

@Vetyveriohohoh I wouldn’t live like this for much longer, I was fine with it as first but as time ticks on I’m more aware of everything and how easily it would be for him to just kick me out. But before I make any big decisions I wanted to come on here to get an outsiders view as you can doubt yourself.

Actually you having your own assets and a good income does make a difference. I would be far more relaxed about a partner financially equal to me. My serious relationships (ex and current) have both been with partners far less stable than me so keen to avoid cocklodging. Perhaps the three year point would be a good time for a make or break conversation? That gives you time to warm up to it as well.

Investing in a property whose value might rise, or which you can get increasing value from the longer you live in it after the mortgage is paid off, is not the same thing as having a limited fund of money sitting in the bank. Don't think of it as selfish that you're getting to live there for free: think of it as a missed opportunity for you to invest in a property.

What kind of situations is it when he says "Here we go again"? and why do you not projectile vomit every time he say that?

@StarsonaString I completely understand it if one person has more, however we are pretty equal in what we have and I actually earn more than him. So I have no need to try and claim anything on his house and I wouldn’t. I just want to feel an element of trust and not to be tarred with the same brush as everyone else.

Think about how you train a dog. When it behaves well, it gets treats. When a dog is not behaving well - being disobedient - the owner may shun or punish the dog. Does he ever absentmindedly scratch behind your ears?

@ravenmum an example was that he has a female friend i will call her Emma. And about 6 months into our relationship he told me Emma was popping round for a catch up the next night. I (half) jokingly said show me a pic of her & he said “here we go getting psycho on me” Turned out this friend was actually someone he dated years back. So I felt that was really underhand calling me a psycho when in fact they had actually slept together before. I have since met her a few times and I know there’s nothing there other than friendship, they see each other just a few times a year and she’s a nice girl. But rather than reassure me his first reaction was to say oh here we go based on previous ex’s.

@Rangoon 😂😂 no but I will be asking for that now!! Haha.

Am I wrong here and not being understanding enough

It sounds to me as if he is fond of having his own way. It would not surprise me if this is exactly how he treated his ex too.

Beware any many who badmouths his ex. It's not about anyone but him.

A good partner takes responsibility for themselves, owned their mistakes and their good points. They don't blame it all on their current and past partner.

Anyone can be pleasant when they are getting exactly their own way. How people react when things are not going their way, when things are tough is when you see who they really are.

He seems to only be nice when you are towing the line. Is that the kind of partner you really want to end up with?

Chances are his exs were perfectly normal and lovely op and they are painted otherwise only to control you. He has you exactly where he wants you: desperately trying to prove you arent crazy/insecure ect like his exs.

This is the manipulation. It's deliberate. He knows.what.he.is.doing.

Get out! Run!

[quote Haribo21]@ravenmum an example was that he has a female friend i will call her Emma. And about 6 months into our relationship he told me Emma was popping round for a catch up the next night. I (half) jokingly said show me a pic of her & he said “here we go getting psycho on me” Turned out this friend was actually someone he dated years back. So I felt that was really underhand calling me a psycho when in fact they had actually slept together before. I have since met her a few times and I know there’s nothing there other than friendship, they see each other just a few times a year and she’s a nice girl. But rather than reassure me his first reaction was to say oh here we go based on previous ex’s.[/quote]
So from this we learn that...

a) in the past, his gfs have suspected he was cheating on them
b) you (half) wouldn't put it past him
c) if a gf is suspicious, he doesn't acknowledge that something he did might appear dodgy, even if it is innocent
d) he stops you from expressing even a jokey doubt by hitting you straight over the head with the label "psycho" to make sure that you will never do it again

Wow, you were called psycho 6 months into the relationship, for asking to see a photo?? That is a massive red flag.. No way would I stay with a man who said that. I am stunned.

From a financial aspect I can understand his reluctance but it depends on your ages. If you are both young enough for children then he needs to be thinking of a joint financial future where you join forces.

He has one child, i am early 30s he’s late 30s.

Op, I suggest you read books on emotional abuse as this man ticking lots of boxes. You are learning to "shut up and put up". At what point would you call a boyfriend of 6 months a psycho? What are the thoughts that would take you down the road to calling him that?

His thinking is faulty, anyone who disagrees with him is a psycho, controlling etc. You can't correct faulty thinking easily as it's deeply ingrained.

I bet he has lost multiple relationships due to his behaviour. Has he ever taken responsibility for his words or behaviour..to you or Ex's?

He sounds like a Prick, and you deserve better tbh 🌺