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Original poster

Feel like I’m being punished for things his ex’s did

134 replies

Haribo21 · 25/03/2021 23:56

Me and my partner have been together 2 & a half years, we live together and in general everything is good. However he is very guarded at times and I feel like we can’t build a future together with his mindset. For instance we live together but he doesn’t want me to contribute to his house. He had some issues in the past moneywise with an ex girlfriend. So I understand this would make him wary but at the same time how can we progress with no trust? He says I have given him faith in relationships but then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t let me fully in & punishes me for things that have happened in past relationships. Another example is being made to go places he really didn’t want to go so he decided in future he would just say no. For me a relationship is about give and take and even if I didn’t want to go somewhere, if he had no-one to go with I would go as I would care more about putting a smile on his face rather than my own. I don’t mean that I expect him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do all the time but It would be nice if he’s open to doing something outside his own interests. Like I do for him. Also a couple of arguments we have had he has acted like “oh here we go, it’s just like when I was with *ex girlfriend”. I know we have to learn from past mistakes but at the same time shouldn’t we base how we act with someone on how they treat us. All I have ever done is love and support him so it’s such a kick in the teeth when I feel like I’m on trial. Am I wrong here and not being understanding enough?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 28/03/2021 18:19

@MarshmallowAra The point on whether she pays him rent or mortgage payments has been well covered multiple times what part is difficult to understand?

WiseOwlOne · 28/03/2021 18:20

check out this book, it's very good

expectopelargonium · 28/03/2021 18:44

Hmmm. If he thinks that you are behaving in the same way as his ex's used to, then perhaps he needs to look at the common denominator.

Him and his behaviour. Presumably he thinks you are all reacting in the same way, because he has done nothing to change his behaviour. Only a fool believes that you can keep doing the same thing and get a different end result.

Original poster
Haribo21 · 28/03/2021 18:55

This weekend has also made me realise just how wrong it is how he acts in conflict, he had plans this afternoon which was fine but as we hadn’t spent much quality time together this past week I thought he might at least spend an hour or 2 with me this morning but all morning he has been watching sport on his phone in another room, He probably acknowledged me for ten minutes all day, so before he went out I mentioned this to him but he didn’t say anything, he just went to get ready and then went out, he did say goodbye but made a sarcastic comment alongside it, and I’ve not heard from him since, so I've mentioned I was feeling a big neglected ( no accusations or raised voices it was just as passing comment) and rather than him saying sorry love we will spend a bit of time together when I get home he’s got the hump and ignoring me. No doubt he will stay out as long as he can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haribo21 · 28/03/2021 18:57

*bit neglected

OP posts:
PickAChew · 28/03/2021 19:00

Definitely time to walk.

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 19:31

@PickAChew

Definitely time to walk.

yip 🌺

Rainbowqueeen · 28/03/2021 20:30

Op what do you actually want your future to look like?? I can’t tell.
I know how he wants his future to look but does that work for you? Do you want kids? Do you want to be married? Work out what you want. If you and this man are not on the same page then maybe it’s time to move on.

Your needs are important. It feels like you rent even considering that, you’re just try to fit with what he wants

Rainbowqueeen · 28/03/2021 20:43

Also living in a house where you could be turfed out at any time is not a great situation, even if you have other assets.

Original poster
Haribo21 · 28/03/2021 21:30

I know, I would leave right now if I had somewhere to go. He came home and gave limited conversation then went back to ignoring me. What have I done wrong here??

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 28/03/2021 21:40

What have I done wrong here??

You have done nothing wrong, except give him credit for being a decent human being.

Is there really nowhere you can go?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2021 21:43

You've done two things 'wrong'...

  1. Gave your independence up.
  2. Didn't hear the clanging alarm bells when a man says all his exes are 'crazy' except for the one he's still sleeping with!

Next time you'll know. Lessons learned.

For now, how can you plan to leave?

Original poster
Haribo21 · 28/03/2021 21:48

Not right away, I am also working from home so would need somewhere with room for my work equipment too. 😔 I don’t understand how he can ignore me all day then when I mention he’s not spent any time with me he gets the hump and ignores me more?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Haribo21 · 28/03/2021 21:53

@MrsTerryPratchett i think I need to grin and bear it for a few months until I’m back in work, I will then be able to go to my mum and dads whilst I look for a house to buy.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2021 00:20

Save your money and get out as soon as you can.

WiseOwlOne · 29/03/2021 08:54

So you understand now that even if the core issue wasn't so important (you have no rights to the home you live in and just feathering his nest forever) he has no ability to listen to your point of view. Whatever it is, your point of view doesn't exist for him. His way of living is to shame you or coerce you out of having a point of view. His victim narrative sees any woman who dared to assert her own rights or needs as being the aggressor. Meeting somebody in the middle would only reinforce his victim status. Obviously that's a manipulative technique. He doesn't really see himself as a victim. He just uses that as a strategy to silence women who dare to ask for rights.

WiseOwlOne · 29/03/2021 08:55

Who knows if we'll ever be all back in work. Do your parents know how awful this situation is for you?

Original poster
Haribo21 · 29/03/2021 09:42

@WiseOwlOne no I don’t want to worry them. And it’s not all bad, we actually get along most of the time but when there’s conflict I can’t stand this feeling of being punished. He could have done 5 things wrong to me which I could mention & he would feel he’s done nothing wrong & ignore me for 2 days. Theres no point trying to reason with people like this is there as I just find myself frustrated and feeling like the bad one.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 29/03/2021 10:01

@MrsTerryPratchett

Save your money and get out as soon as you can.

This ^^ absolutely! This is not a mutually trusting, equal partnership at all. He holds all the cards and just shuts you down when it suits him and you have to police your thoughts and actions so you don't set him off or show you the door.

This is not a relationship to build a future on or bring children into, OP. 🌹

PomegranateQueen · 29/03/2021 10:07

You sound so beaten down OP Sad you want to know what YOU have done wrong and how YOU can be more understanding. What about his behaviour towards you? You have done nothing wrong here, if you stay he will end up financially and emotionally screwing you over. Please leave and go back to your parents, the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. If you want children then it is especially important that you don't waste your fertile years with this crappy man. Whatever you do, don't become a SAHM while you are with this man, hold on to your job and your financial security like your life depends on it.

Ohpulltheotherone · 29/03/2021 10:14

This sounds like utter hell.

I would rather live in a dirty bedsit than spend one night under the same roof as a man who treated me like a dog who needs corrective training.

He is an emotionally immature, manipulative, abusive little shit. His behaviour is vile.

Make arrangements to leave, he isn’t a good person. Just because he has some good points and is nice to you now and again that doesn’t make him a good person. It actually shows that his behaviour is selective, that he CHOOSES to act this way towards you.

He doesn’t have trust issues, he has control issues.

Any man who uses the “my ex was a crazy bitch who did XYZ” card needs to be avoided at all costs. Learn this lesson for next time and call it off as soon as you see even a hint of woman hating tendencies.

Good luck on getting out of there ASAP

Original poster
Haribo21 · 29/03/2021 11:36

So after me telling him how I feel his response is that he feels he can’t do anything right? I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. It’s hard because I completely agree with what you are all saying but then I also think there’s 2 sides to a story isn’t there. So I do wonder if he came on here and said my girlfriend is saying this this and this and I feel like I can’t do anything right would people say it’s me in the wrong?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 29/03/2021 12:04

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall
I've discovered it quite late myself, but a good relationship with the right man doesn't feel like this, even when you argue.

WisnaeMe · 29/03/2021 12:21

you're going around in circles and he has trapped you in this handwringing cycle.

I0NA · 29/03/2021 12:36

@Haribo21

So after me telling him how I feel his response is that he feels he can’t do anything right? I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. It’s hard because I completely agree with what you are all saying but then I also think there’s 2 sides to a story isn’t there. So I do wonder if he came on here and said my girlfriend is saying this this and this and I feel like I can’t do anything right would people say it’s me in the wrong?
He’s training you never to ask for anything or complain. And it’s working very well.