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Original poster

Feel like I’m being punished for things his ex’s did

134 replies

Haribo21 · 25/03/2021 23:56

Me and my partner have been together 2 & a half years, we live together and in general everything is good. However he is very guarded at times and I feel like we can’t build a future together with his mindset. For instance we live together but he doesn’t want me to contribute to his house. He had some issues in the past moneywise with an ex girlfriend. So I understand this would make him wary but at the same time how can we progress with no trust? He says I have given him faith in relationships but then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t let me fully in & punishes me for things that have happened in past relationships. Another example is being made to go places he really didn’t want to go so he decided in future he would just say no. For me a relationship is about give and take and even if I didn’t want to go somewhere, if he had no-one to go with I would go as I would care more about putting a smile on his face rather than my own. I don’t mean that I expect him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do all the time but It would be nice if he’s open to doing something outside his own interests. Like I do for him. Also a couple of arguments we have had he has acted like “oh here we go, it’s just like when I was with *ex girlfriend”. I know we have to learn from past mistakes but at the same time shouldn’t we base how we act with someone on how they treat us. All I have ever done is love and support him so it’s such a kick in the teeth when I feel like I’m on trial. Am I wrong here and not being understanding enough?

OP posts:
Inaseagull · 29/03/2021 13:15

He didn't do anything remotely 'right' yesterday, did he? He wasn't even pleasant towards you. He is just blurting out the same old hard done by script that places all the blame back on you. Are you questioning yourself again today?

Pregnantandanxious · 29/03/2021 13:22

I understand why you are questioning whether his 'side' would get a different response, but isn't that part of the problem? He's not willing to articulate exactly what it is that you, as an individual, are doing 'wrong'? It's just a criticism of what relationships involve and, worryingly, is verging on 'all women are the same'.

Sometimes you just have to take people at face value. He's telling you that you need to do everything in a certain way and suppress your needs in order to prove you're worthy of his time and attention. Is that not a bit cruel?

updownroundandround · 30/03/2021 12:08

@Haribo21

So after me telling him how I feel his response is that he feels he can’t do anything right? I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. It’s hard because I completely agree with what you are all saying but then I also think there’s 2 sides to a story isn’t there. So I do wonder if he came on here and said my girlfriend is saying this this and this and I feel like I can’t do anything right would people say it’s me in the wrong?

So you're still doing the same dance for him aren't you ??Hmm

OK, so let me tell you his side of the story.................

I am responding to how you expressed your 'feelings' by saying Oh, so it's ALL about YOU again is it ?? because that's what ''I can't do anything right, can I''? actually means* Hmm

Same as you said ''I'm feeling a bit neglected'', so I respond with my version of ''well who the fuck cares how you're feeling ??
i.e I'll show you how it feels to be 'neglected' by me ! cue being ignored more by me. Hmm

My responses to your daring to actually have needs and having the damn gall to express those needs to ME are ALL designed to

  1. Make you suffer. How dare you question me Angry
  2. Make you cave in/ crawl back. You bloody need me ! I always win ! And I do not need you!!Angry
  3. Make you consider MY needs above your own ! Every damn time !! Wink
  4. Make me feel GOOD. (I mean, who the fuck do you think you are ffs ?? Shock Grin
  5. Make me feel smug, because you live here at my whim.Wink
  6. Make you see that nothing is certain for you in this relationship, not even whether I can be arsed talking to you.Hmm
  7. Make you doubt yourself. I will never have doubts about whether I'm wrong, ever.
  8. Make damn sure that you know I am your superior, in every way.

If you keep trying to be my 'equal', then lady, I've got more tricks up my sleeve to shut you up !!

Enough4me · 31/03/2021 14:46

What @updownroundandround said 100%

He's taking your rational thoughts and screwing them up so you can't see the truth.

pickingdaisies · 03/04/2021 11:07

Doesn't matter what his "side" is.
YOU are feeling neglected, unhappy and afraid to speak your mind. Constantly doubting yourself. What way is that to live?

SandyY2K · 05/04/2021 14:43

So I do wonder if he came on here and said my girlfriend is saying this this and this and I feel like I can’t do anything right would people say it’s me in the wrong?

Thing is that people tell a story from their perspective. It's rare that an account is given, that makes the OP look wrong or at fault.

For example the request to see a picture of Emma. That on it's own could make you appear insecure. It's like you needed to see what she looked like. It would never occur to me to ask to see a photo of a friend my OH was meeting up with.

Most of the other stuff just sounds like he wants to be in control of everything. It's on his terms. He doesn't want to get married...that's fine, but do you?

He has kids... do you want any?

I get the impression overall from your perspective, that you do most of the compromising in this relationship. So it's not really equal.

SelkieBoru · 05/04/2021 15:08

@Haribo21

So after me telling him how I feel his response is that he feels he can’t do anything right? I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. It’s hard because I completely agree with what you are all saying but then I also think there’s 2 sides to a story isn’t there. So I do wonder if he came on here and said my girlfriend is saying this this and this and I feel like I can’t do anything right would people say it’s me in the wrong?
Well, it's not rocket science is it? If you're reasonably self-aware and have a bit of common decency then you don't move in with somebody only to treat them as your emotional punching bag. You treat your partner with respect. Listen, communicate, meet the other person half way.

But he doesn't want to do that so he'll pretend it's all rocket science and that he's walking on eggshells around you.

The only thing you can do is end it @Haribo21
He isn't going to change because he doesn't want to change.
What he wants is to be the taker.

SelkieBoru · 05/04/2021 15:10

ps, I agree with @SandyY2K of course he has his story, but that's his business. You get one life. Live it through your own lens.

Value your own perspective.

Your life is not a convenience to be offered up for the convenience of his distorted narrative.

Buttonfm · 05/04/2021 15:32

You have no way if even knowing if anything he says about his exes is actually true.
He is using these exes to control you.
He sounds awful tbh.

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