Feel like I’m being punished for things his ex’s did

[Haribo21]

Me and my partner have been together 2 & a half years, we live together and in general everything is good. However he is very guarded at times and I feel like we can’t build a future together with his mindset. For instance we live together but he doesn’t want me to contribute to his house. He had some issues in the past moneywise with an ex girlfriend. So I understand this would make him wary but at the same time how can we progress with no trust? He says I have given him faith in relationships but then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t let me fully in & punishes me for things that have happened in past relationships. Another example is being made to go places he really didn’t want to go so he decided in future he would just say no. For me a relationship is about give and take and even if I didn’t want to go somewhere, if he had no-one to go with I would go as I would care more about putting a smile on his face rather than my own. I don’t mean that I expect him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do all the time but It would be nice if he’s open to doing something outside his own interests. Like I do for him. Also a couple of arguments we have had he has acted like “oh here we go, it’s just like when I was with *ex girlfriend”. I know we have to learn from past mistakes but at the same time shouldn’t we base how we act with someone on how they treat us. All I have ever done is love and support him so it’s such a kick in the teeth when I feel like I’m on trial. Am I wrong here and not being understanding enough?

He does not see you as an equal
He sees himself as the alpha male
If he gets annoyed, he can just ask you to leave
I don't see this relationship lasting a long time
He doesn't trust you or any body

He has one child, i am early 30s he’s late 30s.
You are a CATCH! Financially solvent, young, unencumbered by children, articulate and sensible. Seriously, cut this one loose, he's hard work and has a load of baggage which he's apparently unable to resolve.

You can find someone way better, and when you do, you'll see it's easy - that's how it's supposed to be. You get along, you make each other happy, you laugh together, have similar values and want similar things. Find that one.

The more I read the more I think this man is a selfish misogynist.

It sounds like he has you quite well trained since you’ve stopped bringing up anything that will lead to you being accused of ‘being like his ex’. After just 6 months he was already name-calling you a psycho - when he was in fact being underhand and had an ex coming to visit.

He’s a manipulator with a trail of ‘psycho’ ex partners and deep down I think you know this isn’t going to work, which is why you’re on here asking.

FWIW, you sound lovely, but don’t fool yourself into thinking you can fix or change someone like this. The bottom line is, you are kind and caring and you’re over-investing your time and energy into analysing his behaviour and finding reasons to understand it all, whereas he clearly doesn’t give a fuck.

You would be better off out of this, especially if you want kids.

I agree you don't need to understand or fix this. These are his issues and you need to look after yourself here.

Bin him.

@Jobsharenightmare

I agree you don't need to understand or fix this. These are his issues and you need to look after yourself here.

And it can't be fixed unless he wants to do so.

Right now, he's got everything the way he wants it, with no regards to you. Why would he try to fix something that to him is not broken?

@Cockenspiel

The more I read the more I think this man is a selfish misogynist.

It sounds like he has you quite well trained since you’ve stopped bringing up anything that will lead to you being accused of ‘being like his ex’. After just 6 months he was already name-calling you a psycho - when he was in fact being underhand and had an ex coming to visit.

He’s a manipulator with a trail of ‘psycho’ ex partners and deep down I think you know this isn’t going to work, which is why you’re on here asking.

FWIW, you sound lovely, but don’t fool yourself into thinking you can fix or change someone like this. The bottom line is, you are kind and caring and you’re over-investing your time and energy into analysing his behaviour and finding reasons to understand it all, whereas he clearly doesn’t give a fuck.

You would be better off out of this, especially if you want kids.

Cockenspiel sums it up.

He is unlikely to want kids with you @Haribo21, his DC's mum did a fast one on him.

All his exes are psychos. Bit of a coincidence that. Don't worry you'll be called one too.

You do sound lovely, but seriously, tell him to do one.

[quote Haribo21]@Shoxfordian I want to be in a respectful relationship where he sees me for me and treats me accordingly.[/quote]
I want a million quid and a hot toy boy with an ass that could crack walnuts but that won't be happening either.

*I mean you won't get it if you stay with him btw.

If you drop him and look elsewhere then it's perfectly possible. But you gotta learn to respect yourself first and not give assholes multiple chances.

I used to have a relationship with someone like this, but ultimately it meant we never moved forward. He didn't want to marry and wouldn't have any joint responsibilities, such as houses as he didn't want to get 'fleeced again' as he said it. He would also refuse to do anything he didn't want to. So that also meant I'd end up going places and events on my own. It actually got quite lonely and I never felt we were a proper couple. He'd also get quite funny if I took the same stance, if I said no to anything I didn't want to do, but he did, he'd insinuate I was like his ex so I'd end up going along with things , as I didn't want to be 'like his ex'. I came to the conclusion that it had nothing to do with his ex, and all to do with him being quite controlling and selfish

The finances I get and I'd be the same tbh. In your shoes, if you continue in the relationship I'd look at buying a home yourself so you have a more security for yourself.

The early years of a relationship ideally, it should be fun, laughter & you should both be into each other

You should end this today

I would rather live on my own than under his restrictive terms

I agree with posters saying he is probably just a selfish dick. But there is an outside chance that he may be genuinely struggling to get over bad relationship experiences because he lacks emotional intelligence.

My H was in the second category. He'd been with his ex for 10 years although they were only married a short time before she left him for someone else. I never knew her but it sounds like she was quite a dominant and pushy character (and had other flings during their relationship). For the first two years of our relationship I got sick of being told "I'll never marry again because of what X did". And there was plenty of "I won't go to or do this=that because its the sort of thing X 'dragged ' me along to". I am quite quiet and considerate so the polar opposite of X and I did feel sometimes that the power of having a say had gone to his head because he'd sort of decide what we were doing and expect me to go along with it. I'm not someone who likes to rock the boat but it really started to grate especially when he say things like "women can't be faithful because they're always after male attention" to ME, his faithful partner!

I started to challenge things. Sometimes because I felt strongly. Sometimes because I felt I needed to make the point. I was prepared to risk the relationship at this point. One weekend he announced that "we" were babysitting his sister's child on Saturday night. I said well you can but I'll decide what I'm doing on Saturday night. He was shocked and not very pleased but he had to know that whilst what he wanted was important to him, what I wanted was important to me. I also told him I was sick of hearing about his ex and being punished for all her "offences" while she was off living a nice new life Scot free. If he couldn't get over her then there was no point continuing.

We were sharing a rented place and I decided to buy somewhere on my own. I think he was very shocked by that. That was the biggest risk but I was willing to lose him over it. I didn't. We've now been together 26 years, married, two children. He still lacks emotional intelligence at times but he does see me as an equal because he knows I'd rather be on my own than play second fiddle. His ex hasn't been mentioned (or barely mentioned) for two decades. The children found out recently he'd been married before and were astonished.

What really stood out for me was you saying if you challenge him he'll say "there's the door ". I too was afraid of that initially but I got so sick of our life being seemingly governed by an absent ex that I felt I really had to risk that ultimatum because I'd got so miserable about it, that something had to change or I'd be happier alone.

I've read all your posts. You need to throw this one back in the sea. You're not going to change him but he is going to hurt you more and more.

He's not a keeper.
Go and find someone that doesn't beat you with a stick to keep you in your place.
He won't change and you'll never be equal in love or money in this relationship.
I think you're trying to build a future with someone who has very different priorities, hopes and dreams to you.

@honeylulu your experience sounds very similar. I do challenge him on things but sometimes I can’t be bothered with the fall out so I choose my arguments wisely 😅 I do believe he feels hard done by from past relationships but I also believe he is ignorant to what he has done and the part he has played. He seems to feel like it’s a power game with relationships and that he shouldn’t show anyone all his cards. But there are moments when the barriers come down and I see his vulnerability and that’s the part that makes me not want to hurt him. I do feel like he knows he has the power though as we are in his house and I can’t just leave. I give so much to this relationship and i just want to make him happy. I like to do little things for him that make him smile like leave him little funny notes in the morning, make him teas I know he loves, I like to plan doing things at weekends I know he will like, he also lost his job when covid first started so I spent all my time online looking for jobs for him, I devoted my time helping him apply and doing practice interviews, I am in no way perfect but just trying to give some snippets of what I bring to the relationship. But then I feel like if I walked out the door he would be upset but he would let me go as he would take it that means I don’t want to be here so I feel like I can’t win. I am getting to the point though where if I end up homeless and we split up then I will take that risk but I guess I wanted confirmation on here that my feelings are valid and that I’m not expecting too much.

You're living in his house - do you pay him rent/pay towards costs.

Do you have a other property/ies?

If you don't, you helping pay his mortgage off but you'll get nothing because you're not married.

Your income should ideally be going towards paying off the mortgage on one or more properties.

What about children?

He already has one, did you say?

Would you like to have children?

How exactly is that going to work in current circumstances (you living in his house bit not owning any part of it)?
If you go part-time, you'll have even less income to pay off eg a property of your own.

"oh here we go again" really grates, my I stand reaction was anger & stress to that .. and I'm a stranger reading about it.

Dies "here we go again" mean "I'm getting kickback because I'm being selfish & domineering, and I shouldn't. I should have a placid doll to be be in a relationship with"??

His ex is his ex, you are you.

You don't do time for other people's crimes

On the house/costs front, if you aren't paying off another property that you own, you two should have bought somewhere together as tenants in common so both are (hopefully) gaining equity etc.

It wouldn't have to be a 50-50 of purchase price and later equity if you were to.split, it could be drawn up proportionally.

He sounds like he's got a tenant to help pay his costs with the benefit of sex and company etc (and everything has to be on his terms or you're manipulated with the ex shit).

Ask your self why it hasn't occurred to you that perhaps he is the reason his previous relationships broke down?

Maybe because he is a manipulative arsehole? Maybe because eventually those women decided they didn't to be judged and punished by their partner?

You would be utterly barmy to stay with this man. My dh never buys me flowers and is rubbish at looking after me when I'm I'll, but he is a really respectful and kind person who loves me exactly how I am and thinks I'm some kind of wonderful.

this is what I’m trying to figure out, whether this is his way of dealing with things and if I need to be more understanding?

You're totally missing the point. Which is that yes, this might be his way of dealing with things, but that doesn't make it ok. His behaviour is unacceptable, regardless of the reasons for it.

Him being upset if you leave isn't a reason to stay. He gets something out of this relationship and he'd be sorry to lose that. Him being upset if you left him doesn't mean he loves you. And even if he does love you, love isn't enough, you need respect too and kindness. Not just sometimes, whenever he's feeling ok and you're doing what he wants, but all the time.

Look at what you're giving in the relationship. He's not giving anywhere near the same amount, he's taking. And don't start saying oh but he provides a home, because he'd have to do that anyway for himself. He's not provided you with anything, he's just doing what he wants and letting you tag along, as long as you don't annoy him.

If he can't trust you financially he shouldn't be living with you, because what's the point tying yourself to someone with that level of commitment if you're not a team? For him it's all the benefits of being married without actually being married. You both are well aware he could kick you out without a seconds notice (he makes sure you're aware of that with his horrible comments about psycho, being difficult like his ex etc).

For you this situation is nothing but instability and insecurity, which keeps you slightly nervous about the situation and running around trying to make him happy. You're trying to create stability for yourself by appeasing him. It's a mugs game.

So all of his exes are horrible and he needs to keep a constant eye on you to make sure you aren't horrible too?

I strongly recommend that you break up with him.

Be wary & like other posters have mentioned find out the real reasons why he split with his exes, not just his version.
It doesn't sound a very healthy environment & you should feel 100% comfortable & relaxed with your partner, not waiting for the next ex did this line.
Take care

You've had good advice here. I agree that he's not some vulnerable little victim wary of more bad women. He is TRAINING you to never stand up for yourself.

The only thing you can do is to say ''this doesn't work for me, I'm bailing . You need a girlfriend with less self-worth than I do.''

You deserve better than this. If you stay with him, have a child with him, he'll end up screwing you (financially) and eventually you'll crack up and leave, and even though you pay for 90% of the cost of raising the child and even though you'll have lost 90% of your freedom and he pays for almost nothing and has lost almost none of his freedom, he'll still view you as one more gold digging ho. Basically.

His x with the child, has she just as much freedom as he has to work and earn? Or does parenthood impact upon that?
Does his x the mother of his child pay for more than 50% of the cost of raising their child?

I'm guessing the answers are YES and YES, and yet here you are trying to prove that you're not like that x that made him wary!?!?

Stop trying to push water uphill and prove you have no needs. Must have been so awful for him, to have had partners who had needs. So do not get in to this fools errand that you're embarking on now of proving you have no needs.

If you want to educate him, do that by showing him that you have needs too and he is not able to meet them due to his misogyny and stinginess

You have the right to ''feather your own nest'' too and you cannot do that if you're living with him but denied any opportunity to get your foot on the ladder.