Feel like I’m being punished for things his ex’s did

[Haribo21]

Me and my partner have been together 2 & a half years, we live together and in general everything is good. However he is very guarded at times and I feel like we can’t build a future together with his mindset. For instance we live together but he doesn’t want me to contribute to his house. He had some issues in the past moneywise with an ex girlfriend. So I understand this would make him wary but at the same time how can we progress with no trust? He says I have given him faith in relationships but then sometimes I feel like he doesn’t let me fully in & punishes me for things that have happened in past relationships. Another example is being made to go places he really didn’t want to go so he decided in future he would just say no. For me a relationship is about give and take and even if I didn’t want to go somewhere, if he had no-one to go with I would go as I would care more about putting a smile on his face rather than my own. I don’t mean that I expect him to do stuff he doesn’t want to do all the time but It would be nice if he’s open to doing something outside his own interests. Like I do for him. Also a couple of arguments we have had he has acted like “oh here we go, it’s just like when I was with *ex girlfriend”. I know we have to learn from past mistakes but at the same time shouldn’t we base how we act with someone on how they treat us. All I have ever done is love and support him so it’s such a kick in the teeth when I feel like I’m on trial. Am I wrong here and not being understanding enough?

@LeaveMyDamnJam

Do you know the other side of the story with his ex wife and ex GF?

^^This!

My now ex had me believe all sorts of rubbish about his ex. Once I got to know her myself I started to realise most/all of it was rubbish and that he in fact was/is a lying, manipulative man child with a victim mentality who was/is incapable of taking responsibility for his own mistakes and would rather blame everyone else for all that has gone wrong in his life.

All you are is this man's punching bag. Don't you want more than this? It's tragic you have wasted as much time as you have on him.

Either he's an abusive man (several red flags in your post) or he's not ready (may never be) to have the kind of relationship you want.
It's not you. You can't fix this.
Honestly, I'd seriously think about leaving.

Don't, whatever you do, bring children into this toxic relationship with this current boyfriend. You are an adult and choose to stay like this but any children won't be. He'll never marry you so that is probably a blessing as you sound like you'd marry your boyfriend. Unless there is a drip feed and you are already pregnant?

He should be celebrating you OP, not negging you in this backhanded way. Having been with a manipulative, selfish, controlling abusive man this would be a red flag for me. You need to talk to him about how it makes you feel. But I suspect after 2.5 years he’s probably set in his ways and had a negative unhealthy view of women.

I would sit him down and say you want to talk as you're not sure this relationship is for you.

"I understand we all have a past but I am troubled by the fact you are still so burdened by yours and have made no attempt to change this - ie get counselling. I feel my patience has run out now."

Elaborate that a person still bringing up exes and experiences with them to shape present decisions is clear evidence they haven't moved on in their own lives.

Tell him you're looking for a partner that you can have a relationship of your own with, a person you can rely on, make plans with, someone who can weather a few inevitable bumps in life.

You are an equal partner in this relationship remember, it's not your job to make up for past hurt or mistakes.

Do you want to get married? I remember being shocked when my now husband told me he was never getting married again (he was going through divorce at the time). We had a child together. Yes I was naive to have not brought up the topic but I'd assumed that was the plan. He had not bothered to let me know he now felt allergic to marriage (he changed his mind obviously). I told him he was entitled to his feelings about marriage but expecting me to stay with him longterm not married was asking me for a commitment to not get married to anyone, ever and I would need to see if that worked for me.

I suggest you broach it all with an attitude of "this is what I'm looking for, I'm not sure you're it. Are you?" See what comes out of that conversation but if things don't change I wouldn't be sticking around.

“oh here we go, it’s just like when I was with ex girlfriend”.*
This doesn't mean his ex was shit. It means he was just as shit with his ex as he is with you. She complained about it, too.

@Wanderlusto, 100% this.

Op, can you see how this approach serves his agenda. He never has to compromise but ultimately the relationship isn't mutually beneficial. The nice parts of him are probably genuine but only if you comply. The power however is always with him. What happens if you say No to him? Try saying No on a regular basis and see how his reactions to you change.

Please don't accept everything he says about his Ex's, context is everything plus he is likely to only put his side as he seems utterly incapable of seeing another point of view.

I have been where you are, seemingly lovely man who didn't trust but he also got what he wanted. When he didn't he was the victim so felt entitled to punish me with silent treatment, passive aggressive behaviour and ultimately aggression. It was learned behaviour from a very toxic childhood that couldn't be undone, despite counselling.

All of his behaviour is an excuse to keep you in your place and get his way.

My dp has been cheated on in the past, if he ever used that as an excuse to not trust ME and control my behaviour re going out etc he would be gone! (He never would)

Everyone has baggage from previous relationships

I wouldn't be investigating the exes either. You will never know 'the truth', just one person's version of it. And anyway it doesn't matter. What does matter is how he is with you.

It sounds like he hasn't done any work to heal and you are paying the price. Time alone isn't enough for most people to work through betrayal and trust issues from a bad relationship. Without doing some real work on this, processing it and learning, you take it with you.

It doesn't sounds great 😕. The 'hear we go again' comment would have me running.

I think not want you to contribute to the house might be ok though. If you were the home owner and asking for advice on Mumsnet I bet all the replies would tell you to not let a partner contribute to the house.
Also I'm not sure that him not wanting to do things with you is automatically bad. It depends what how often it is and what it is. Some couples seem attached at the hip and other the opposite - I'm not sure one is right and one is wrong.

How long have you lived with him? Why did you mover in with him without working out finances? Does he have kids?

'Oh here we go again. Just like with x'

Yep because he hasn't learnt a thing about his behaviour/attitude.

The things you say make him kind/caring/loving are really basic that you should expect from a partner in a relationship! Your bar is way too low.

I know 2.5 years seems like a long time snd you're lives are somewhat entwined living together, but honestly 2.5 years is a blink of an eye in your expected 85 years on earth! Find a place to rent/buy and do yourself the biggest favour and ditch the twat, move out & start a fabulous new life!

He will NOT, ever, make you happy

We don't really know the background here and I feel quite a few posters are jumping to conclusions. If the roles were reversed and we were potentially talking about a woman who had come out of some bad relationships, I doubt so many people would be quite so judgy. Accusing men if being controlling and abusive seems to be the default action on here at the moment.

All we can say is that he has put up some boundaries based on how he perceives he was treated in previous relationships. This is what we advise women on MN to do all the time.

However, it is clear that his past experiences are stopping him from committing to you in the way you want and are impact his behaviour towards you. This is now really about you and what you want. He currently can't give you what you want and are you happy to hang around on the chance that he may be able to one day?

He's a raging misogynist.

In the future you'll be another awful ex OP. Yet another badly behaved woman.

You are believing his narrative that all his ex’s were at fault

Who is the common denominator here ?

@Eleganz this is what I’m trying to figure out, whether this is his way of dealing with things and if I need to be more understanding? I do find some of his behaviour a bit manipulative but I also think he feels he needs to put these boundaries up because he himself has been manipulated in the past. Him and his ex wife are actually on good terms, they just married young and he thought the grass was greener. So I don’t think he can blame this mindset to his ex wife. It’s his other relationships in between his divorce and meeting me. One ex got physically angry with him in arguments a few times. And another ex did him out of some money. He used to get accused of all sorts from both ex’s and they used to check his phone etc. We don’t really argue and I never check his phone, but if I was to ever bring up any insecurities it would be “oh here we go”. Rather than listening to anything I have to say as me he automatically reacts based on the past. He said one ex just completely switched as soon as they had moved in together and it was like she put on a front until they had ties and then she turned crazy. But I can also see if he acted like he does with me how that might infuriate someone who Is more hot headed than I am. There are a lot of good points to our relationship but like others said it’s good and he is loving when there’s no conflict. When any conflict comes our way I’m shut down or made to feel I have proved him right that I’m just the same as the others. I dont want to dismiss his feelings but I also feel dismissed. I haven’t done anything wrong to him and I feel like his tolerance levels are so low now because of his past. I have said to him it’s not just about him and me proving myself and making him happy. He also needs to make me happy.

The house and marriage thing is understandable. I am protective of my financial independence. However this should not come with any judgmental or nasty comments and should benefit you as well since you can save money yourself. This also won't work if you plan on having children.

The rest of it is terrible; no give/take or compromise. Drip drip of comments to make your reasonable requests seem selfish. He does not see you as an equal partner.

@Haribo21 you say that he won’t let your contribute to the house because it’s his.

Do you mean that you don’t any anything towards the mortgage, council tax, utility bill, insurance, home repairs and improvements and food ?

Do you pay more towards anything else instead of paying towards the house?

@StarsonaString I completely understand people being protective over finances but surely there needs to be an element of trust eventually. I also think any decision about marriage should be a reflection of how he feels about marriage in general and about how he feels about me rather than whether it worked out with his ex wife or not. It has got to the point where I daren't bring things up as I feel he would just say “there’s the door”. But then I know deep down he does love me & when the dust settles after an argument he does get upset if he thinks we might be over.

@I0NA I pay for food and for things the house needs, window cleaner, new microwave things like that. But he doesn’t want me to contribute to any bills whatsoever. We have talked about buying a house together but how can he suddenly go from his mindset now to owning a house together anytime soon. Which makes me think he’s just pacifying me.

There’s a lot here about what he wants but what do you want? What makes you happy?

I hope you have somewhere else to go because on a whim he can tell you to leave and you will have zero to show for any of your contributions.

@Shoxfordian I want to be in a respectful relationship where he sees me for me and treats me accordingly.