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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

617 replies

Notlong2go · 24/03/2021 22:29

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

OP posts:
Jessbow · 25/03/2021 13:09

Easter Island.

yes I think it does. It does all sound very chaotic.

The guts of it ....

Toddler, small baby and new Fella - dad wants baby at weekends with toddler.

why? because Mum has a new fella

its all moving on a bit fast. Dad, by mums admission has sent at least 2 weeks with her since the birth of a 12/13? week old baby, self isolating .

All very quick .....and confusing for the children

CirqueDeMorgue · 25/03/2021 13:10

[quote Notlong2go]@BingBongToTheMoon yes I have applied for a court order and haven’t stopped at all trying to get my son home.
@Blockedoff sorry could you elaborate how I am point scoring and not thinking of my children? I have been their primary care since birth and have had little help from their father who has only now decided he urgently needs to have them in his care.
Never have I refused him contact as although he is an arse hole with me he is their father.
So please just clear this up for me[/quote]
Honestly, you're in an almost identical situation to me once upon a time. I really feel for you because it's mentally exhausting and actually, quite traumatic but the most important thing now is getting your DS back to you asap. Then, in future, hoping you get a decent judge.

WisnaeMe · 25/03/2021 13:10

OP don't engage with the posts accusing you of ridiculous actions, ignore them 🌺

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 13:11

[quote Blockedoff]@worried3012 with a four and 17 month old? Is it really common? I don't think so?[/quote]
Think you'd be surprised.

Blockedoff · 25/03/2021 13:12

@isadorapolly then my advice is get off mumsnet and get some legal advice. Which has been advised countless times. Chase up the emergency court order.

betterfantasia · 25/03/2021 13:12

You're so calm and mature, OP. You sound like a wonderful mother in a nightmare. I do hope you get your son back soon.

CirqueDeMorgue · 25/03/2021 13:13

@LavenderLollies

I can’t believe how composed you’ve been all throughout the thread, most parents would be absolutely frantic and pacing around. You’ve done so well to keep your head enough to be able to share so much on MN while he’s still not with you. And while caring for a baby too. You could teach a few lessons I reckon about staying calm in a crisis! I’ve never seen anything like it on here.
That's such a try-hard dig, it shouldn't be dignified with a response but have you ever actually experienced something like this? There's precious little you can do unless your child is realistically at risk of physical harm, it's a waiting game to have your case heard. I'd like to say using forums like this could be helpful in times of huge stress but I'm not so sure...
worried3012 · 25/03/2021 13:14

@Jessbow

Easter Island.

yes I think it does. It does all sound very chaotic.

The guts of it ....

Toddler, small baby and new Fella - dad wants baby at weekends with toddler.

why? because Mum has a new fella

its all moving on a bit fast. Dad, by mums admission has sent at least 2 weeks with her since the birth of a 12/13? week old baby, self isolating .

All very quick .....and confusing for the children

All the more reason why this needs a court order in place which Op (not the dad) is sorting out.
fistasledge · 25/03/2021 13:14

I cannot believe the judgement and passive aggressive comments on this thread.

Wow, if ever there was a thread that lived up to the awfulness that is MN, this is it.

What does it matter how her relationship fell apart, how long she's been with the new man?

She has been absolutely picked apart in this thread and good on for sticking with it OP.

I really hope you've got some helpful advice here and get your child back soon with a clear order in place.

MN vipers should be ashamed

betterfantasia · 25/03/2021 13:15

blocked off

Not a shred of evidence against the OP for those callous accusations.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 25/03/2021 13:15

I have applied for an urgent court hearing and I have been contacting different services non stop.
I have to provide proof of domestic violence which has been seriously difficult to obtain the information from any local authority due to data protection even though I was the victim. Social services are providing a letter but now I have been told by a legal adviser that it won’t adhere to the standards require so I’ve got to request a new letter which means getting in contact which has been near impossible.
It is ridiculously difficult to obtain anything and find the help needed but, I have submitted for an urgent hearing but, that can take up to 48 hours!

@sweetpotatopie12 no he has my 19 month old son and is refusing to bring him back.
As for child maintenance I have requested that they obtain payments through them but, for now it has been refused whilst they make changes to the case and believe me there’s no rush for any of these services to complete it anytime soon.
I literally feel overwhelmed with how difficult it is to get anything sorted and access the correct services.

OP posts:
CirqueDeMorgue · 25/03/2021 13:17

@Notlong2go have you had any contact from your ex re your DS?

Imnotbent · 25/03/2021 13:17

This happened to a friend of mine last summer she is still trying to get her DC's back through court, it took weeks just to get access. Her ex partner has parental responsibility as he is on the birth certificate. The police could do nothing, she contacted social services and they got people involved who are helping her negotiate the process. There is a record of violence on her exes part but the children are deemed not to be at risk from him. It is very stressful for her I don't know how she is coping. Good luck.

Blockedoff · 25/03/2021 13:17

@betterfantasia callous accusations? I've not accused her of anything, I've said it all sounds chaotic.........which it does.

I'm entitled to an opinion which isn't yours, you do realise that.

picklemewalnuts · 25/03/2021 13:18

Gosh you must be distraught. ThanksThanks and a handhold. Sad

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 13:19

@fistasledge

I cannot believe the judgement and passive aggressive comments on this thread.

Wow, if ever there was a thread that lived up to the awfulness that is MN, this is it.

What does it matter how her relationship fell apart, how long she's been with the new man?

She has been absolutely picked apart in this thread and good on for sticking with it OP.

I really hope you've got some helpful advice here and get your child back soon with a clear order in place.

MN vipers should be ashamed

Agreed.

I rarely wade into threads but this subject is very raw and deep in my heart. Any woman that had experienced this knows the pain and trauma this can hold.

I couldn't care less if the OP or dad have partners, how long since they split up, why they haven't arranged court order upon birth, etc etc as long as the kids welfare are fine. Not relevant IMO.

But then I remember every thread has posters like that so can't be too surprised.

fistasledge · 25/03/2021 13:19

@Blockedoff Awful posts. Reported

AdobeWanKenobi · 25/03/2021 13:20

Fucking hell. Women supporting women eh?

Good luck OP and as has been said, dont give half of this shit head space.

betterfantasia · 25/03/2021 13:20

Lies, blocked I just read your accusations but won't be responding to you again, I suggest you get off the OP's thread unless you're able to offer support and help.

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 13:24

@Notlong2go

I have applied for an urgent court hearing and I have been contacting different services non stop. I have to provide proof of domestic violence which has been seriously difficult to obtain the information from any local authority due to data protection even though I was the victim. Social services are providing a letter but now I have been told by a legal adviser that it won’t adhere to the standards require so I’ve got to request a new letter which means getting in contact which has been near impossible. It is ridiculously difficult to obtain anything and find the help needed but, I have submitted for an urgent hearing but, that can take up to 48 hours!

@sweetpotatopie12 no he has my 19 month old son and is refusing to bring him back.
As for child maintenance I have requested that they obtain payments through them but, for now it has been refused whilst they make changes to the case and believe me there’s no rush for any of these services to complete it anytime soon.
I literally feel overwhelmed with how difficult it is to get anything sorted and access the correct services.

I could be writing your post. My own trauma makes it hard for me to see others going through what I have and do.

Legal aid is really hard to get, I tried but failed and basically used my savings and family money to pay for solicitors but I can't afford it anymore so I'll be representing myself in future. I was abused for nearly 20 years but emotional abuse is really hard to prove so I gave up on that.

48 hours is pretty standard, mine took a few days too.
Just think of the bigger picture, practice what you want the outcome to be (not just Dc living with you but a set arrangements including term holidays - think for the future ), special occasions.
And prepare to write a position statement for court.
There's plenty of free help on how to prepare either by phone or online, a few good links have already been posted on here.

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 13:25

[quote Blockedoff]@betterfantasia callous accusations? I've not accused her of anything, I've said it all sounds chaotic.........which it does.

I'm entitled to an opinion which isn't yours, you do realise that. [/quote]
What's your advice except for OP to crack on which is what she's doing?

Or have you just come here to be judgemental and pointless?

RedcurrantPuff · 25/03/2021 13:26

[quote Wellthatwassilly]@RedcurrantPuff

Bore off. Women are just as bad as men[/quote]
Sure they are.

Redwinestillfine · 25/03/2021 13:26

Good luck op. I hope you hear something soon it must be very disconcerting for your little one not to have the usual routine. Well done for standing up to him. Keep evidence and keep going until you get a resolution.

HeartsAndClubs · 25/03/2021 13:28

There used to be a time when posters whose exes refused to hand the kids back were given support. But it seems now that there is no thread on mn where some twat or other comes on to be a complete cunt to the OP. I have never ever said this before, but my guess is that those posters claiming the DP is in the wrong etc are probably members of fathers for justice or the like.

Incidentally, if a woman was the one withholding the kids then she would equally be told she was in the wrong.

TBH I would be inclined to go round and knock on the door and take the child back. Yes it will be stressful for the child at the time, but kids are resilient, and it will be a one off.

Then I would pursue the legal channels to have him given contact in a contact centre only especially as there is a history of DV.

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 13:29

Maybe this thread should be moved from AIBU to Legal or Lone Parents as in AIBU people just want a bun fight half the time.