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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

617 replies

Notlong2go · 24/03/2021 22:29

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

OP posts:
Itsalwayssunnyin · 25/03/2021 11:53

Clearly some of the people posting on here have NO IDEA of the abuse that is evident in OPs story from her ex.
The only person refusing contact to the child is THE DAD. How an earth can you excuse this disgusting behaviour. This is not in the child’s best interest to be separated from the mother with no idea of when they will be seeing her again. This is abusive to that child and no amount of ‘frustration’ on the fathers part can condone this despicable behaviour.
OP, I hope you get this sorted. This must be an absolute nightmare for you and I really admire your strength.
The only person this will damage is him - no court will look favourably upon his vile behaviour. Keep calm and keep your shit together whilst he clearly looses his. And ignore some of these pathetic responses.

nitsandwormsdodger · 25/03/2021 11:56

This is not informed advise so please take proper legal advise
But
I would bide my time , a few days if childcare will grind him down, then say and do whatever you know will work to get that kid back in your arms
Then move and change your name so you cannot he traced
Use a burner phone to send him messages that the kids are well and can see him in a contact centre only
Stay well away from him

Ganasha · 25/03/2021 11:57

Good luck OP. I think you need to set boundaries now. He’s obviously been upset by you seeing somebody else and is using the kids against you.

Worldwide2 · 25/03/2021 12:02

I'm so sorry op this is awful, have you managed to get you eldest back yet?

BingBongToTheMoon · 25/03/2021 12:08

It’s now after 12. Did you go to the court at 9am? Or a solicitors office at 9am?

MadeForThis · 25/03/2021 12:09

Good luck. I would go to emergency court ASAP. Even if he hands him back this time he will threaten to do it again. You need a residency order to ensure he can continue to control and abuse you and the dc.

canigooutyet · 25/03/2021 12:11

Nothing useful to add.

Am I the only one that's jealous in the past 4.5 months, op has not only had a new baby (congratulations) but managed to find a new man?

Oh something perhaps useful - freedom programme.

Lentillover1900 · 25/03/2021 12:19

Exactly

It is this kind of action that is going to lead to a long term sustainable solution

Not high drama and knee jerk reaction advice from posters who have no experience in single parenting

Blockedoff · 25/03/2021 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jux · 25/03/2021 12:39

Write everything down, every bit of contact or communication you have with him. If possible record conversations. Do not delete texts or messages or emails. Keep everything with a date and time and explanatory note if necessary. Try to backdate any contact you've had before now too, month/year would be indicative if you don't remember exact dates.

MN threads are quite useful for this sort of thing, if you've been posting about him/the children for a while. Worth looking it all up.

With these men, who think they're so big and important, having lots of evidence against them is very very useful.

Good luck. He sounds an absolute arse and the sooner you get contact completely tied up by the Court, the better.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 25/03/2021 12:47

@BingBongToTheMoon yes I have applied for a court order and haven’t stopped at all trying to get my son home.
@Blockedoff sorry could you elaborate how I am point scoring and not thinking of my children? I have been their primary care since birth and have had little help from their father who has only now decided he urgently needs to have them in his care.
Never have I refused him contact as although he is an arse hole with me he is their father.
So please just clear this up for me

OP posts:
BingBongToTheMoon · 25/03/2021 12:53

Why didn’t the court hear your petition today? That’s what normally happens with emergencies like this....or is it a COVID thing?
The longer he’s in dad’s care the more it becomes his status quo and the judge wont want him upset by returning him to you.
This is very urgent.

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 12:55

It's a dispute on child contact which is probably the most common family disputes with co-parents. The kids are still really young so in a way best to have this happen now and get a solid court order in place which is what the OP is doing.

There's no way the OP is anywhere near as bad as the ex. He has withhold contact, poor kid probably wondering why he hasn't seen his mum yet, with no indication of when. That's not how mature adults handle this, it's precisely why there are family courts. Why didn't the father go to the courts to get proper contact sorted if he wanted change, why does he think just not bringing the child back to his residence and his mother as primary career is the way to do it? Instead he's trying to bully OP into agreeing to his terms or paying to go to court.

All this case needs is set days agreed and the dad should have applied for this long ago instead of taking this route.

Jessbow · 25/03/2021 12:56

So, just for clarification....

you have a 19 moth old, and a 4/ month old and a new fella.

How long since you broke up with your childrens dad?

EasterIssland · 25/03/2021 12:57

@Jessbow

So, just for clarification....

you have a 19 moth old, and a 4/ month old and a new fella.

How long since you broke up with your childrens dad?

does it really matter?
Blockedoff · 25/03/2021 12:58

Blockedoff sorry could you elaborate how I am point scoring and not thinking of my children? I have been their primary care since birth and have had little help from their father who has only now decided he urgently needs to have them in his care.

A 17 month old and a 4 month old, arguing with their father and a new relationship is chaotic IMO.

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 13:01

@Blockedoff

Blockedoff sorry could you elaborate how I am point scoring and not thinking of my children? I have been their primary care since birth and have had little help from their father who has only now decided he urgently needs to have them in his care.

A 17 month old and a 4 month old, arguing with their father and a new relationship is chaotic IMO.

Yet fairly common when parents split up.
isadorapolly · 25/03/2021 13:02

Op what’s actually happening then? With regards to getting them back?

Ignore the bitchy comments on here Smile

sweetpotatopie12 · 25/03/2021 13:02

I'm confused, your ex has your 4 month old son and is refusing to bring him back but he is being breastfed and not bottle fed???

I would be banging the door down to get him back.

Get your kids, get proper visitation in order and get your ex to pay maintenance. Stop with all the dilly dallying

Blockedoff · 25/03/2021 13:03

@worried3012 with a four and 17 month old? Is it really common? I don't think so?

Blockedoff · 25/03/2021 13:05

@sweetpotatopie12 the father has the 17 month old.

isadorapolly · 25/03/2021 13:05

@Blockedoff what’s that got to do with the OP? She’s asking how is best to get her son back, not whether you think she’s a slag or not.

Blueberries0112 · 25/03/2021 13:06

No, the father is holding the older child hostage because he wants to take the 4 months old too. he doesn’t care if the 4 months old is breastfeeding. I don’t know what he expect from a breastfed 4 months old , probably colic, on a weekend

Original poster
Notlong2go · 25/03/2021 13:06

@Blockedoff when I have said I have argued with him? I have been extremely calm given the circumstances and have refused to speak to him when he starts shouting and swearing. And he’s 19 months old btw!
I can not control the actions of their father, i can only try to keep the situation as easy and calm for me and my children as possible. Sorry I had kids to an immature idiot but, that is not the issue here. The issue is that he is keeping his son away from his mother and his brothers.
@Jessbow apologies that I am trying to move on with my life. We haven’t been together for a long time and we weren’t together throughout my pregnancy. Not that it is relevant as I am entitled to a life too!

OP posts:
LavenderLollies · 25/03/2021 13:06

I can’t believe how composed you’ve been all throughout the thread, most parents would be absolutely frantic and pacing around. You’ve done so well to keep your head enough to be able to share so much on MN while he’s still not with you. And while caring for a baby too. You could teach a few lessons I reckon about staying calm in a crisis! I’ve never seen anything like it on here.