Page 17 | Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

Notlong2go · 2021-03-24T22:29:37+00:00

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to. Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest. So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him. He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home! This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

Wishitsnows · 27/03/2021 12:12

Continue with court, don't agree any compromise as he cannot be trusted that he won't withhold your child from you again just to hurt you. Get your child back however you can don't sign anything if he tries to get you to sign a written agreement. Say what you have to and hopefully it will go to court Monday. It's sickening how he is controlling you

AdaColeman · 27/03/2021 12:26

Great news that your little boy will be home again soon.

As expected, your Ex soon discovered that being a full time parent is hard work!

However, you will be very vulnerable and emotional with the excitement of seeing your son again, so it will not be a good time to have any serious discussion or make decisions about your future plans.

Refuse to make any promises to your Ex, keep replying with delaying phrases, tell him to email his demands to you. Do not agree to anything.

In the longer term, get a legally structured contact schedule in place. Apply to CMS for maintenance if you haven't already done so, have it deducted directly from his wages, this is to let him know that he isn't in control.
Take the Freedom Programme!
Wishing you lots of luck @Notlong2go

Remember that when he says "both of us got to compromise" what he really means is DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/03/2021 12:26

You definitely need a court order ready for next time he throws his weight around.

YoniAndGuy · 27/03/2021 12:29

Do not speak to him.

It seems as if a couple of days of full-time parenting has been enough! - so don't forget, tomorrow he will be pretty keen to hand him back.

'I don't think any conversation between us is likely to be positive right now. Your actions have been utterly unacceptable and not at all in the best interests of either of our children. It's in everybody's interests now for an official agreement to be drawn up so I will be concentrating on that.'

Do not let him control this. If he strops at a message like that, it does not matter - as your son will be returned early next week anyway, via court. Do not jump to speak to him and agree to things because he's told you to.

Send the message that threats get nowhere and kidnap will go against him, not get him what he wants.

It's good that he's done this - he's not a good father, and now he's helped show that. I'm sure your son is pretty distressed at being away from you for this long and your ex has moved pretty quickly from triumph to having a pretty shit time of it.

What he's done should have IMMEDIATELY put him beyond the pale. Unacceptable. Conversation does not happen, bargaining does not happen, with people who act like this - they get reported and the machine swings into action to deal with them. The potential for 'speaking about shit first, no arguing!' (fuck you asshole...) DISAPPEARED the second he did this. That is the message you need to get across.

'I am sorry but it won't be possible now for there to be any conversation as you will appreciate that your actions have put the question of contact in the hands of the professionals. However that's definitely better all round to avoid a situation like this happening again and the children being made to suffer.'

RandomMess · 27/03/2021 12:42

Don't see your ex alone. There is no discussion to be had in front of the DC at all.

He refuses to hand DS over then leave it for the courts to intervene.

worried3012 · 27/03/2021 12:48

@YoniAndGuy

Do not speak to him.

It seems as if a couple of days of full-time parenting has been enough! - so don't forget, tomorrow he will be pretty keen to hand him back.

'I don't think any conversation between us is likely to be positive right now. Your actions have been utterly unacceptable and not at all in the best interests of either of our children. It's in everybody's interests now for an official agreement to be drawn up so I will be concentrating on that.'

Do not let him control this. If he strops at a message like that, it does not matter - as your son will be returned early next week anyway, via court. Do not jump to speak to him and agree to things because he's told you to.

Send the message that threats get nowhere and kidnap will go against him, not get him what he wants.

It's good that he's done this - he's not a good father, and now he's helped show that. I'm sure your son is pretty distressed at being away from you for this long and your ex has moved pretty quickly from triumph to having a pretty shit time of it.

What he's done should have IMMEDIATELY put him beyond the pale. Unacceptable. Conversation does not happen, bargaining does not happen, with people who act like this - they get reported and the machine swings into action to deal with them. The potential for 'speaking about shit first, no arguing!' (fuck you asshole...) DISAPPEARED the second he did this. That is the message you need to get across.

'I am sorry but it won't be possible now for there to be any conversation as you will appreciate that your actions have put the question of contact in the hands of the professionals. However that's definitely better all round to avoid a situation like this happening again and the children being made to suffer.'

This is good advice and the suggested text is good. The only thing I would say is send a text like that AFTER your son is back. Not before because then he won't give your son back and that's a bit risky without a hearing date or judgement in place.

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/03/2021 12:48

Have someone there with you op. Tell him, that neither of you are on a fit state to talk rationally with emotions running high. Have a script short and sweet and repeat that don't engage with him. Tell him you will be in contact. I would look into using a mediator to talk about custody arrangements.

Doyoumind · 27/03/2021 12:51

OP I have years of experience now of organising contact arrangements with someone abusive and controlling. We've been through the whole legal process more than once and still he creates chaos.

My recommendation would be not to talk to him tomorrow. He doesn't get to dictate everything. Tell him it's not appropriate and you need an opportunity to consider the situation, particularly if the DC are present. He will try to control you, manipulate you and railroad you into something you don't want.

Continue as planned with court. You are in a strong position while your baby is young and breastfed and now your ex has pulled this stunt with your toddler. The baby is too small for overnights. The courts won't award him that kind of contact. He needs to be put in his place.

If you don't take control of the situation now, he will. You will regret it if you don't stick to your guns.

WisnaeMe · 27/03/2021 13:19

OP I am so happy for you and yes I think like everyone else you should continue with Court.

So pleased for you 🌺

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 27/03/2021 13:27

I would just agree to whatever he says, get your son back and then don't let either of them go back. Make him wait for the hearing.

Cherrysoup · 27/03/2021 13:30

I would just agree to whatever he says, get your son back and then don't let either of them go back. Make him wait for the hearing.

Totally this. Make him go to court for contact. He has done something extremely untrustworthy. He does not deserve to see either child and can therefore go the legal route.

PurpleMustang · 27/03/2021 13:30

So glad that he is coming back. I would encourage you to try to keep all communication to messages and emails so that it is not he said she said. But if you do have to speak to him in person, record it. Get a diary and note everything down so you have a rolling log of everything. This looks like it won't settle soon so the more info you have, the better.

FatCatThinCat · 27/03/2021 14:01

Tell him whatever he needs to hear to get your son back safely. Then refuse all further contact until there is a court order in place ensuring you child is returned to you. This man cannot be trusted!

RevolvingPivot · 27/03/2021 14:12

Yes for gods don't tell him you're recording him. I wouldn't bother recording if I had to tell him just get your son then wait.

CombatBarbie · 27/03/2021 14:41

She has to tell him she's recording or else she can't use it as evidence.

I'd still proceed with court hearing though.

WisnaeMe · 27/03/2021 14:43

@CombatBarbie

She has to tell him she's recording or else she can't use it as evidence.

I'd still proceed with court hearing though.

and as a victim of DV ?

Redwinestillfine · 27/03/2021 14:44

Please still go to court and formalise contact. He is trying to use the kids to control you and this won't just end here.

Berthatydfil · 27/03/2021 15:28

Don’t agree in writing (email or text) to anything he says or any conditions he wants to impose.
Just do enough to get your son back.
Go ahead with the court order as you need to get a lives with order for all the children and a contact order. You could also ask for arrest powers to be attached.
I think this means that the police could act if he ever did this again.

He also has no right to put conditions on who you can or cannot spend your time with.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2021 15:37

Don't go alone. Meet in a public place. Don't go to 'his' house or have him in yours. If possible, leave the baby with someone or have someone hold the baby a short distance away whilst you 'talk'.

Nothing you say to him means jack shit legally (and vice versa). He can make you promise to live a life of total celibacy and it's not binding, not even if he records it (and he probably will). Anything you do say will be under duress to get your child back. So, IMO say whatever you need to say to get your DS back. Try to phrase it as "If that's what you want so you'll give me XXX back then yes" No one in their right mind is going to hold you to it.

KarmaNoMore · 27/03/2021 16:11

and as a victim of DV?

That is a different case but not one that can be fought at the same time. Family courts and criminal courts are totally separate. What he does to the mum is almost irrelevant as long as he is “safe” with the children.

An unauthorised recording will be dismissed by the family courts, I would say the only one that would be getting a bollocking over a recording would be the solicitor for not convincing their client to leave the recording at home.

KarmaNoMore · 27/03/2021 16:13

If he comes back, still go to court next week and have the contact pattern formalised. It will save you and the kids a lot of heartache.

Sunflower1970 · 27/03/2021 17:13

It’s sad that these children are being used as weapons

glitterfarts · 27/03/2021 17:22

^ it is sunflower. What an appalling father using his child as a weapon to further abuse the OP.

mathanxiety · 27/03/2021 17:41

“He's good , you can have [name redacted by MNHQ] back Sunday but we are to speak about shit first , no arguing! Just both of us got to compromise”

Do the handover in a public place. Bring a witness with you to the handover. Tell the witness in advance that you are going to agree to everything ex orders just to get your child back. Tape all conversation between you and ex. Agree to everything. Get your child back.

Do not be lulled back into complacency when you get your DC back.
You need to protect yourself and your children. Now you know what he is capable of, so you must not shrink from doing what is necessary.

File those motions for the orders you have been advised to file. Do not mention the orders. You can have them served by the bailiffs or process servers. This may cost you a fee. Do not serve them yourself.

mathanxiety · 27/03/2021 17:43

"Do not mention the orders" - to ex when you meet to get your DC back.